how to handle this?

[nonameforme]

I hope this isn't too long, but here goes.

I am friends with a member of the opposite sex.We are both married and I know I would never cheat on my spouse and this friend says the same thing. Friend is funny and flirty and has made comments about my attractiveness in a joking way. I am flirty back but figure that it's just harmless, and I enjoy the attention (who doesn't like to be told they are attractive). I know it's probably not the best thing for married people to do, but figured it's no big deal since neither one of us are wanting or willing to cheat.

Friend has texted me and some mutual flirting ensued. After one very flirty texting session I was uncomfortable about what I had said after the fact and just wanted to reiterate that I was joking around and hoped friend knew that. Friend responded that everything was fine and that they considered me a good friend. I feel relieved. Received several more texts over the next few weeks that were flirty/funny and felt like everything was okay.

Saw friend for first time after all of the texting. Friend seems okay, not unfriendly, but something has changed. Friend makes plans with other mutual friends right in front of me (they the same sex as me and very nice people but friend has made comments that would indicate that they do not find them physically attractive in that way). Friend makes no mention of me joining them even though I have in the past. When friend goes to leave, very friendly/affectionate goodbyes given to everyone except me. Totally awkward.

Heard nothing over the past few weeks. Feel like friend no longer wants me in their life. To test this theory, texted friend to ask how things were and get the most minimal humorless response and that was it.

Here is the question (finally, I know): there is an event coming up in a few weeks where I pretty sure this friend is going to be. I feel hurt and confused by this person blowing me off after claiming I was a good friend. I miss the friendship and feel like it's my fault, even though we both played a role. Not sure if friend thinks I want more than I actually do, or if it's the other way around, or if friend decided that they were insulted because I felt the need to explain that I wasn't being serious when I sent flirty texts many weeks before. Do I pretend like everything is normal? Do I ask this friend if something is wrong? It is just so awkward and I am really sad that so called "harmless" flirting has probably destroyed our friendship. Need advice, please!

[Darren Steez]

Oh please!

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!

 

Grow up! You are married!! This person was obviously leading you on with the flirty messages, why you can't have a conversation without flirting? So as soon as you say no flirting he's acting like a child and ignoring you?

 

So what? Ignore him back. Did your husband know about this friendship and the context of the texting? I bet he didn't.

[GSB81]

Obviously he wasn't joking, and I doubt you were. Did you guys flirt openly, in full view of your spouses or was it done in secret? I'm aware that this doesn't answer your actual question, but you first need to admit to yourself the true nature of your relationship with this "friend."

[TaserTag]

I think that they're either angry because they feel rejected or they got weirded out by how serious you seemed to be getting. But does it matter either way?

 

In my opinion, you've already crossed a line with all of the flirty texts and should probably focus more on your marriage than your 'friend.' I would just ignore them from now on, ignore whatever drama they have in store for you, and tell them that you're busy with your spouse if they come back around.

 

From what you've said, the main basis of your friendship is that they tell you you're attractive and flirt with you. You should try to focus on getting more attention in your marriage. Does your spouse know about all of the flirting and texting and how important the flirting has become to you?

[nonameforme]

First off, thanks for the replies and advice.

Spouse does know about situation (I don't really keep secrets) and also knows that I can be a bit of a flirt. However, spouse made a huge mistake in our marriage many years ago and perhaps due to lingering guilt maybe let's me get away with things that I should be called out on. I think my spouse also knows that I am not likely to physically cross any lines because even after the infidelity when spouse told me I "could" cheat to "even the score" (really bad idea, but was stated when things were really horrific after I found out about it), and I replied that I would never do that. So we stuck it out. It was very hard and took years to recover from and we both paid dearly for it.

I'm not saying what I did was right, I know it is wrong. It started innocently and then somewhere along the way it changed into this situation. I love my spouse deeply and never want to go through everything we had to go through to recover and try to forgive. Maybe I haven't completely forgiven and that's why this thing with my friend happened. I guess I have to evaluate that possibility and talk to my spouse about it and apologize for my behaviour.

So it sounds like I need to cut and run with this "friend". That's fine. My "friendship" with this other person isn't worth my marriage. But I'm still going to see them and I guess I will just be polite and leave it at that. So thanks for answering that for me.

This leads me to my last question: is it possible for the opposite sex to be friends with one another? My spouse says "no" because one person always develops some sort of attraction for the other person. My spouse says that because I am attractive, I will always have this problem in these situations. It makes me angry because when this all started, all I wanted was a friend. And now I have a big fat mess and feel like a horrible spouse.

[TaserTag]

I think that some people can be just friends with members of the opposite sex and some can't (I'd say most can't). You seem to be falling into the can't-be-friends group, as your spouse has noted.

 

I've never been just-friends with a guy and had it not turn out to be a complete mess in one way or another. It has always turned into them being jealous of whoever I was actually dating and trying to push my boundaries. It's really only over the past year for me that I've totally given up on the idea.. I'm polite to other men and make small talk with my husband's male friends, but I don't pursue friendships with them or give them the chance to start creeping in on me. I've been happier since that realization.

[nonameforme]

AnimalLover, thanks for your responses.

I know what I did was wrong, but when this friendship started it was completely normal and was not flirty. I guess I let my guard down over time because this friend seemed honorable and not the cheating type, which is important to me (ironic, I know since I am now in this situation). I guess I let this person validate me when I should have told my spouse that I needed to know that they think I'm special. The infidelity in my marriage from a few years ago occurred at a very difficult time in my life (in the midst of serious personal crisis) when I needed my spouse to be with me the most and it hurt me so badly. I'm not trying to play the pity card, but I felt completely abandoned and alone when I found out the one person I thought I could count on betrayed me. I guess I still have a wound that hasn't completely healed and acted out on it. Maybe I am still afraid that it could happen again. I love my spouse so much and I am angry at myself for getting in this position.

Time to talk to my spouse and try to work on fixing us.

[nonameforme]

Thanks, TaserTag.

I know you're right. It kind of sucks, because I really thought it was possible, but I am now realizing that I was being a fool. I will take your advice and stick with friends of the same sex. I am beyond sick of the drama and nothing is worth the destruction of my marriage.

[Dusk1983]

Married? You all sound about 12 years old.

[loversquarrel]

Men and women are not built to be friends, but rather acquaintances who exchange pleasantries. I will say your husband lost the right to expect you to remain faithful to him when he chose to cheat. I will also say this "friend" is no friend at all, he was testing the waters for a piece of ass. He is acting like a child now that he's been rejected. He deserves to be taught some respect, perhaps from a good ass kicking?

[nofool4u]

I hope this isn't too long, but here goes.

I am friends with a member of the opposite sex.We are both married and I know I would never cheat on my spouse and this friend says the same thing. Friend is funny and flirty and has made comments about my attractiveness in a joking way. I am flirty back but figure that it's just harmless

 

The indication of one person to the other, and vice versa, that there is a sexual attraction there is never harmless. Don't say there is no sexual attraction, because last I checked, people don't flirt with people that repulse them.

 

 

and I enjoy the attention

 

Another reason its not harmless

 

 

I know it's probably not the best thing for married people to do, but figured it's no big deal since neither one of us are wanting or willing to cheat.

Friend has texted me and some mutual flirting ensued. After one very flirty texting session I was uncomfortable about what I had said after the fact and just wanted to reiterate that I was joking around and hoped friend knew that.

 

If it was truly joking around, there shouldn't be any discomfort in what you said. Therefore I believe you consciously, or subconsciously, said what was really on your mind, and realized you messed up after the fact.

 

 

Friend responded that everything was fine and that they considered me a good friend. I feel relieved. Received several more texts over the next few weeks that were flirty/funny and felt like everything was okay.

Saw friend for first time after all of the texting. Friend seems okay, not unfriendly, but something has changed. Friend makes plans with other mutual friends right in front of me (they the same sex as me and very nice people but friend has made comments that would indicate that they do not find them physically attractive in that way). Friend makes no mention of me joining them even though I have in the past. When friend goes to leave, very friendly/affectionate goodbyes given to everyone except me. Totally awkward.

Heard nothing over the past few weeks. Feel like friend no longer wants me in their life. To test this theory, texted friend to ask how things were and get the most minimal humorless response and that was it.

Here is the question (finally, I know): there is an event coming up in a few weeks where I pretty sure this friend is going to be. I feel hurt and confused by this person blowing me off after claiming I was a good friend. I miss the friendship and feel like it's my fault, even though we both played a role. Not sure if friend thinks I want more than I actually do, or if it's the other way around, or if friend decided that they were insulted because I felt the need to explain that I wasn't being serious when I sent flirty texts many weeks before. Do I pretend like everything is normal? Do I ask this friend if something is wrong? It is just so awkward and I am really sad that so called "harmless" flirting has probably destroyed our friendship. Need advice, please!

 

My gut says that friend's wife got ahold of the texts and thinks your relationship is inappropriate, and will rip his nuts off if the two of you carry on with this dangerous game.

 

Again, flirting is never harmless unless both parties are single. You even said yourself, not the best thing for married people to do. Well if thats the case, then what good comes out of getting your attention fix from another man?

[nofool4u]

First off, thanks for the replies and advice.

Spouse does know about situation (I don't really keep secrets) and also knows that I can be a bit of a flirt. However, spouse made a huge mistake in our marriage many years ago and perhaps due to lingering guilt maybe let's me get away with things that I should be called out on.

 

Well, then there you go I suppose.

 

But if this is something that he lets you get away with that you "should" be called out on, then it reiterates the point that flirting isn't harmless.

[Chi townD]

Friend was getting too close to you and realizes it. He's now distancing himself from you and I would suggest you do the same.

[nonameforme]

Married? You all sound about 12 years old.

 

I didn't come here to get beat up on and kicked around, I came for advice.

I honestlly appreciate the posts that actually gave me some advice even though they had some harsh words, so thanks to those people who did.

 

What are you adding to this discussion besides making a new person posting here feel even worse? I thought this forum was to help people not make them feel like idiots.

 

Thank you so very much. . .. . for nothing.

[dasein]

You have gotten good advice in the thread. You know deep down this friend is not just a friend and that emotional attachment has already formed. They have seen this and are doing the wise, adult thing in distancing themselves from you. You should do the exact same thing. Good luck.

[nonameforme]

You have gotten good advice in the thread. You know deep down this friend is not just a friend and that emotional attachment has already formed. They have seen this and are doing the wise, adult thing in distancing themselves from you. You should do the exact same thing. Good luck.

 

I have mainly agreed and accepted everyone's posts on this thread (and some were a little harsh but also had good advice), with the exception of the one person who merely insulted me and had no other helpful feedback. I'll take some abuse for my actions, but there has to be a point to it (some advice), otherwise it is just abuse. I didn't sign up to be the newest punching bag at this website, so I'm not going to just lay down and take it. I apologize if I am coming across as not appreciating the feedback because I am appreciative. It has been a wake up call.

 

Anyways onto your post. I agree with what you said. I'm just mad at myself for allowing it to happen. But the part that has been confusing me is that I would miss any friend (same or opposite sex) if they suddenly shut me out of their lives. It was hard for me to separate my inappropriate feelings (being too attached) with my legitimate feelings (sad that the friendship is over). I guess the answer is that I'm aware that there are inappropriate feelings and that's enough--it's obvious to me now. Thanks again.

[GSB81]

Honestly, learning that your husband cheated in the past put it in a different light for me. My sympathy for him is gone. Consider it a mild case of karma and a lesson on opposite sex friendships learned. Will every opposite sex friendship go this far? Of course not, but a lot do. I'm friends with a lot of women. Some there is absolutely zero attraction to, and some I would bang in a second if given the opportunity. Few people will admit that.

[road]

Anyways onto your post. I agree with what you said. I'm just mad at myself for allowing it to happen. But the part that has been confusing me is that I would miss any friend (same or opposite sex) if they suddenly shut me out of their lives. It was hard for me to separate my inappropriate feelings (being too attached) with my legitimate feelings (sad that the friendship is over). I guess the answer is that I'm aware that there are inappropriate feelings and that's enough--it's obvious to me now. Thanks again.

 

 

Your OM pulled away. Classic flirt, 180'd you to make you miss him and want more. Classic predator working his prey's pants off.

 

You were having an EA/ emotional affair with this OM. OM was filling your needs that most likely your BH was doing poorly at meeting.

 

Get these books, they are cheap. Survining An Affair by Dr Harley. You need to learn how to affair proof your marriage. If you knew about proper boundaries you would of not of flirted.

 

Then get his other book His Needs Her Needs. You and your husband can use a tune up on meeting each other needs. Then you would not use any more OM to do so.

 

As to complaining about people here.

 

Well don't have no more affairs and you will not get keyboard slapped.

You had an EA.

[nonameforme]

Your OM pulled away. Classic flirt, 180'd you to make you miss him and want more. Classic predator working his prey's pants off.

 

You were having an EA/ emotional affair with this OM. OM was filling your needs that most likely your BH was doing poorly at meeting.

 

Get these books, they are cheap. Survining An Affair by Dr Harley. You need to learn how to affair proof your marriage. If you knew about proper boundaries you would of not of flirted.

 

Then get his other book His Needs Her Needs. You and your husband can use a tune up on meeting each other needs. Then you would not use any more OM to do so.

 

As to complaining about people here.

 

Well don't have no more affairs and you will not get keyboard slapped.

You had an EA.

 

Well, if this person things they are making themselves more desirable by their actions, it just backfired on them. I don't even want to be their friend now and I feel used, dirty and ashamed. Thank you for your input and for the book recommendations. I really appreciate the help you've provided--it's been an eye opener. Uncomfortable? Yes. Upsetting? Yes. Humiliating? Definitely. But I needed it, so I am weirdly grateful for it.

However, I have to say that I don't think it is anyone's "job" here to keyboard slap anybody. I hurt my spouse and I hurt my "friend's" spouse (whether they know it or not). Those are the people who were hurt by my idiotic actions. I don't mind some criticism along with the help (I know I made a mistake) but I'm not going to be subjected to a drive-by b*tch slapping from some person who is angry at me because they were hurt by someone "like" me. I'm sorry they were hurt, but they need to find other ways to resolve their anger and frustration and stop taking it out on others. I am not responsible for what happened to them.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

[salparadise]

This leads me to my last question: is it possible for the opposite sex to be friends with one another? My spouse says "no" because one person always develops some sort of attraction for the other person. My spouse says that because I am attractive, I will always have this problem in these situations. It makes me angry because when this all started, all I wanted was a friend. And now I have a big fat mess and feel like a horrible spouse.

 

I think your husband is correct––men and women are inherently attracted to each other for very different reasons than is the case for same sex friendships. We are biologically wired as such and it's virtually impossible to switch it off just because you know it's circumstantially inappropriate. Yet there are many circumstances where we must interact with members of the opposite sex, including some that we may find quite attractive, and are expected to behave ourselves. The ability to do that is one of the cornerstones of our social system and we [most of us] learn from an early age to enforce rigid boundaries in this regard. However, this learning is always at odds with our biological programming and they're somewhat evenly matched much of the time, which is why affairs are commonplace in our society, throughout time and and across cultures.

 

Opposite sex friendships only work when there is no physical attraction on either side (rare) or in cases where both people are able to maintain strict boundaries. Even for those who are determined to enforce boundaries it doesn't always work because we are all wired to do the deed when the other person's genes are lookin' like they'd produce some high quality progeny.

[nonameforme]

Honestly, learning that your husband cheated in the past put it in a different light for me. My sympathy for him is gone. Consider it a mild case of karma and a lesson on opposite sex friendships learned. Will every opposite sex friendship go this far? Of course not, but a lot do. I'm friends with a lot of women. Some there is absolutely zero attraction to, and some I would bang in a second if given the opportunity. Few people will admit that.

 

Yes, but I really believe that two wrongs don't make a right. I decided to stay and work things out, and my spouse deserves to be treated in a respectful way with a clean slate. We have really struggled to put what happened behind us, and I am immensely disappointed in myself. It is definitely a set back for us. Hopefully we can work through it and recover.

 

About the friends of the opposite sex thing, I guess that is an area of vulnerability for me, so it won't be happening ever again. Some people can pull it off, apparently I can't.

[loversquarrel]

Yes, but I really believe that two wrongs don't make a right. I decided to stay and work things out, and my spouse deserves to be treated in a respectful way with a clean slate. We have really struggled to put what happened behind us, and I am immensely disappointed in myself. It is definitely a set back for us. Hopefully we can work through it and recover.

 

About the friends of the opposite sex thing, I guess that is an area of vulnerability for me, so it won't be happening ever again. Some people can pull it off, apparently I can't.

 

Alot of people can't pull it off. It just took you some reality to understand why first hand. Now you know why, and it will make you a better, stronger spouse because of it.

 

As far as your marriage, if you were able to work through things and forgive your husbands past "indiscretions", then he at the very least owes you the same.

[TaserTag]

Yes, but I really believe that two wrongs don't make a right. I decided to stay and work things out, and my spouse deserves to be treated in a respectful way with a clean slate. We have really struggled to put what happened behind us, and I am immensely disappointed in myself. It is definitely a set back for us. Hopefully we can work through it and recover.

 

About the friends of the opposite sex thing, I guess that is an area of vulnerability for me, so it won't be happening ever again. Some people can pull it off, apparently I can't.

 

I agree with what animalover said.. You came here for advice and are trying to understand your situation and correct some issues in your marriage. That is a good thing and I respect that (I respect a lot of what you've said here). I hope that my posts to you weren't harsh at all; I didn't mean them to be.

 

You tried to be friends with someone and it turned a bit inappropriate and flirtatious through texting. Now your 'friend' is giving you some immature silent treatment and you know something weird was going on there and it's best to just drop them.

 

I feel bad that you've said you feel dirty, disappointed in yourself, and ashamed... try not to be too hard on yourself. It's easy to get sucked into the flirtation when you start off as friends and tell yourself "but we're just friends." It does often seem harmless when it starts off, and then it often turns awkward. At least you tried to put on the brakes and didn't move into physical cheating. And now you can use this as a situation to look at your marriage again and try to reconnect & talk with your partner and talk about your needs in the relationship. It's better to not beat yourself up over it and just try to turn it into something positive and (as GSB81 said) a lesson learned about friendships with the opposite sex.

 

I hope that you're able to talk to your spouse and that you feel better about this situation. Like I said before, I'm doing a lot better after I realized that male friends + me do not work out and I don't get myself into any awkward situations with them to begin with. No more drama. It was something that I had to learn.

[nonameforme]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond and give me some very valuable feedback. If I do happen to see this person at the upcoming social event, I plan on being polite and courteous, but leave it at that. It's going to feel a little weird, but that's what I get for putting myself in this position in the first place. If this person asks me if something is wrong, I will probably say that I realized that what we did was not really okay and that the only wise thing to do is keep our distance from one another. I will try to post back and let you know how it goes.

I showed my spouse the texts because I felt they should not have any misconceptions and that they should know exactly what words were exchanged. Spouse was understandably upset that I allowed some person to say some of those things to me without calling them out on it and reminded me that I would kick their a** if the situation was reversed. I absolutely agreed and apologized about it over and over again. After 24 hours of this, spouse said that we need to move forward and just work on improving our relationship. Hopefully this was just a bit of a jolt to both of us that we need to pay more attention to one another (we had gotten in a bit of a rut in the past year). So this may end up being a bad situation that will turn out with us making our relationship even stronger.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me.