ihatejeans Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Hi guys, I have recently been the dumpee of a 1 year relationship and have navigated myself to this awesome site through numerous searches. I was wondering if i could get some feedback on my situation I had a 1 year relationship with a girl 27 and i 23. We had a bit of an age gap but that didnt worry me at all, i fell in love with her and "apparently" she did aswell. The love felt so strong on both sides at the time (10 months in), i consider her as my soul mate as did she when things were going well. She suffers from depression and i think she isnt listening to her heart and has been surfing through different sites trying to get an explanation on her feelings towards me. So anyway, she broke it up with me and basically said to me that we were too different and at a different life stage, she wants to experience travelling and so forth. I am currently at university and cant make the travelling part at this time. She said she loves me as a friend and still wants to be best friends, she called me her "best friend". I don't know what to do in this situation, i have had no contact with her for a week, she has messaged me once with this: :bunny:hey, it's been a while since we've spoken. i hope that you're ok. I think i told you on the phone...I never intended to cut contact completely. although I can understand if you aren't feeling up to it at the moment. I still love her, I not once treated her badly, was always there for her when she needed someone and i currently want to talk to her but am restraining myself. Does anyone have some advice for me, i'm going through a very bad time, i have lost 6 kilos just this week alone. I either want to know whether its worth me trying to get her back in some way or to let her go completely, because i cant handle this false hope i currently have! Thanks in advance.
BarbecueMan666 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Hey, I was also in a relationship with a woman, Me just turned 23, her 26 soon to be 27 - Kind of alike so far right? ^^. Anyhow, me and my ex broke up January 1st, it wasn't harsh, she just said similar things, she didn't see it working - she moved to LA to study at USC, whereas I live in Phoenix and have a job where I can see her pretty darn frequently, anyhow I guess the love just wasn't there anymore from her side. Without me making it sound like there wasn't love initially, there were marriage talks, engagement rings specifically, I even bought her one - but never told her as things were heading a little south. Either way - we never had a bad end of relationship argument, Things were still pretty good and it ended weirdly. I still love her, but when presented with the situation from afar - I like to pick someone who I have massive respect for, maybe a famous person you really truly respect - (I go with Edward Norton for me personally) - And I imagine myself telling him the story, and I picture what he'd tell me. For both you and I my friend, I really suggest we try move on - and do the best we can. I hurt quite a lot, but it is getting better. My partner was a former Youtube star, and I'm a Gaming professional. We were mini celebrities I guess on the internet her with a big following on youtube, me on twitter/facebook. It's been hard and will continue to be, but I really recommend trying to move on. P.s - within regards to weight loss, I went from an already skinny 155 lbs to a very very skinny 144 within a few weeks. It'll eat you up for a while, but you have to try eat. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You know what 'Hope' does? it schytts on your dreams and keeps you in limbo. This is my standard response to any hope-related posts: "There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'." You know the famous story about Pandora, and what she did, and what the consequences were, yeah? Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE. However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'..... Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer. You can't be a friend of hers, while your heart still screams for a relationship. Can't be done. Read the Guide in my signature..... It will help. 2
RogerWallace111 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'll step up as the first of many to tell you that the only way you'll move on in a reasonable amount of time and feel ok about her not being your lady is to stop communicating with her. If you honestly feel there is some hope, and that you'll be unsettled without trying, give enticing her a final shot sooner than later. But this is rarely going to work, and when it does it's typically not reason to celebrate because the issue is rarely actually absolved. Maybe discussed at length to where both parties think it is, but more or less just "swept under the rug". And you'll just be postponing the heartache. I went through several rounds of this as the dumper, dumpee, the nutty devil begging for forgiveness. Typically, once it starts, all roads point to the end no matter how you may prolong it. Don't agree to be "friends". I've also tried that, and it's much worse than having her completely out of your life as far as I'm concerned. Give it a couple years and reassess the situation. As frightening as it may be, you're probably gonna have to cut off all contact with her if you want to heal somewhat expediently and not keep dealing with weird twisted emotional ****. It will be a rough time, but not half as confusing and mind-pounding as if you should try to hold on. You probably know all this... Thread title makes your understanding of the issue and options pretty clear.
fixing Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I feel you. Cut all forms of contact, and move forward in your life. Hope is a bad thing in relationship break ups imo. Let her go. You cant control the future anyways, but you can control the present. Start to enjoy yourself, and work on being happy again without her. Good luck sir you will pull through this NO CONTACT:cool: 1
Author ihatejeans Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 thanks guys for the reply's this is by far the hardest thing i have ever been through, everyday i am sapped of all energy to the point where im struggling to keep my head up Im just not convinced that she really wants this breakup for some reason, maybe its my brain playing tricks on me or something but i just cant seem to stop going around in circles thinking about the same things. BLAHHHHH FRUSTRATIONSSSSSSSSSSSSS
lovelifexx Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I also told myself that my ex didn't want to end it and so I kept hoping. I had good reason too since that is what he told me. He broke up with me because of circumstnace (long tory, Im much older than him and his parents wouldn't accept it). Because he still loved me and broke up with me because he felt he had to, I believed he would eventually come back, that he would miss me too much and want to be together again. The thing is though, he made a decision knowing it would be hard. He broke up with me because he couldn't see it working. He got through it by completely going NC and avoiding me at all costs. Three months later I think he is fine now and started dating (girls his age who his parents will accept). Maybe she didn't really "want" to break up. But the fact of the matter is that she did. You have to let go and move on. It's easier said than done I know. I totally hit rock bottom and didn't sleep or eat for two months. I had constant panic attacks and the pain was unbearable. I am ok now. I still think of him everyday and miss him, but now that the hope is gone, it is bearable. He is not coming back. The only thing I can do is let go and move forward. You need to too. Try not to be alone too much. Go out with friends. Plan a trip, or something else to look forward too. It gets better slowly unfortunately... 1
Author ihatejeans Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) fair enough, good advice thanks. I am now planning a trip around europe with friends and wanting to know whether i should tell my ex about it or not She might not want me to go and be with her or something along those lines i dont know, do you think its worth a try or just not saying anything at all? also getting with other girls now has been easier than ever but i dont want to do it because i still have feelings for my ex, if i have NSA sex with someone else will that help the healing process? As you can tell im really confused also even though i am trying to get myself out and plan these things, i still cant get her out of my head lol its so ****ed up also her birthday is in a weeks time, should i be sending her a birthday message? Edited March 4, 2013 by ihatejeans
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I am now planning a trip around europe with friends and wanting to know whether i should tell my ex about it or not No. She might not want me to go and be with her or something along those lines i dont know, do you think its worth a try or just not saying anything at all? Who cares what TF she wants?? it's your life, live it! Enjoy, go, experience, get out of your head and go see the world! Leave her be, say nothing and owe what you nowe, to you - NOT HER!! also getting with other girls now has been easier than ever but i dont want to do it because i still have feelings for my ex, if i have NSA sex with someone else will that help the healing process? No. As you can tell im really confused also No you're not. You're understandably still in the 'desperate/clingy/needy' stage. It's fine, don't worry. NC will help it pass quicker..... even though i am trying to get myself out and plan these things, i still cant get her out of my head lol its so ****ed up It does take time. You just have to make sure you don't snowball thoughts. (see next post). also her birthday is in a weeks time, should i be sending her a birthday message? No. No, NO, no, NO NO. And most definitely, emphatically - No. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I read something on the internet, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' I've said this before. Heck, I think I said as much yesterday, to someone.... Yeah... Here it is:This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. 1
Author ihatejeans Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Yes all your points are valid and yes i tend to go through the "snowballing" as u called it. The thing i cant really get out of my mind though is that it felt sooooo right! and i literally cant believe how someone can just turn in an instant and say its over also i find it hard dealing with trying to mind read her thoughts, i hope that she is feeling really emotional and bad for what she did and eventually comes to the conclusion that she wants to be together. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh also thanks for the replies, i really appreciate them
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 The thing i cant really get out of my mind though is that it felt sooooo right! and i literally cant believe how someone can just turn in an instant and say its over I hate to break this to you, but you need to read this carefully, and understand it's true: The only one who believed 'it felt sooooo right' - was you. Something was definitely NOT right, on her side of things. And it may have looked as if it was a turn in an instant, but she had in all probability been quietly thinking about it for a long time. She was checking out long before. Either she hadn't communicated this effectively - or you simply weren't listening or paying attention. If you sit, and logically look back, you may now see the signs. You may see how she 'upped the ante' and actually became MORE affectionate (this is 'compensation') and maybe tried to say things to evince affection from you, to get you to be more demonstrative.... also i find it hard dealing with trying to mind read her thoughts, i hope that she is feeling really emotional and bad for what she did and eventually comes to the conclusion that she wants to be together. Why should she? She believes . much as it might have hurt, that she did the right thing, because she had nothing left to give.... For her to want to come back, and conclude that she wants to be with you, she believes the changes should have been implemented a long time ago. So basically, she's cut loose to look for what she years for, elsewhere. And forget - just F.O.R.G.E.T trying to 'mind read her thoughts'. You can't do that. Nobody can. This is what holds people back from healing. Trying to 'second-guess'. Its utterly impossible, can't be done, a waste of time, and just about as productive - but less so - than hitting your head against a rock-face. So drop it. Focus on you. Yours is the only mind you can read, understand and control. You have a job doing that, without trying to tackle hers as well..... 1
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