TheWeeknd Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 It has been 3 months since the ex girlfriend broke up with me due to a combination of losing feelings, wanting to experience life alone without me, her meeting new older rich friends that showed her the party life (we are both in our early 20s in college), and having feelings for someone else. If you guys want more info you can look up my older threads. After a month of LC (trying to talk sense into her, convincing myself she just needs some time alone, blah blah blah), I finally gave up and went NC in order to heal for myself. Just a note for all the other people out there, NC works wonders if you let it. It allowed me to fully move on and experience life without her (we were together for 4 years and lived together for a year). During NC I was fully able to make new goals for myself and steer myself to a future without her. I was also even able to think clearly that I am so much better without her. Sure I might miss the good old times of hanging out before she became depressed and made new friends which she hid from me, but I know that I am able to fully have fun without her too. Now during the time of LC, she asked numerous times to be friends which I rejected saying I'm not gonna be her emotional support while she dates others. She took this rather bad and blamed the breakup on me which was pretty ironic seeing how I was great to her and never treated her bad... a thread I posted a while ago talks about this. After this talk, I basically wished her well and told her we should go NC to move on. Anyways after 2 months of NC, she sent me a text a couple of days ago asking to be friends with benefits. She says she has been dreaming about me and thinking of having sex with me. During this whole conversation she kept pushing the idea of friends but I kept telling her no since we both still have feelings and emotions attached. I told her that I doubt her current suitor(s) will like her still messing around with the ex, and that I respect her too much to want this. Her response was that she did not leave me for anyone and isn't in a relationship and that she does not mind if there are still emotions attached, who knows where it might lead to, but she just wants her "friend" back and whatever happens will happen. At this stage I am beginning to see that she is starting to have second thoughts after seeing me move on. During the NC, I have finally thought it over and see that I can and will not take her back anytime soon. The only way our initial breakup problems can be solved will be 5 years from now when we are both more mature. Maybe then we might be able to reconcile if both of us are willing to start over. Although I still have a physical attraction to her and I do miss the great sex, I do not feel like I can lead her on knowing that I am not fully over her and will be not be a good friend and that I will have feelings of jealousy or that she might want something more again. I guess the thing I am most agitated about is the possibility that she is just using me to transition to her new guy. Is FWB with an ex worth it just for the pleasure, or will it become something more complicated? Remember I know that we cant be together anytime soon and I know that she has changed into a new person I might not enjoy spending time with thus I will not be a good friend. If all she wants was sex I would be OK with it, but if she is looking for sex and emotional support I will not be so happy about this. Some inputs, suggestions, or experiences of FWB situations with ex's will be greatly appreciated, thanks! 2
Love4Pain Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I would say if you were completely over her, then you're both adults and can make those kinds of decisions....but If you aren't over her and you have feelings for her, FWB probably won't turn out good for you. As you said you don't want to lead her on or you might get jealous. You might project your feelings for her into the sex thinking she is trying to get back with you and what will happen one day when she stops and says she found another guy? Or what if she becomes FWB with another friend at the same time? To me it sounds like you may end up getting taken advantage of until she finds another guy. I think I read "if it wasn't sex that broke you up it won't be sex that gets you back together" or something like that. 1
purplereigncb Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You sound like a person who has their head on straight. Dont agree to this like you said 5 years from now. If you go into this you will probably lose all respect for her. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 FWB will be a guaranteed total and complete disaster. Avoid like the plague. In fact ignore her like the plague. This girl is going to mess up your recovery. Keep moving forward. You have you self esteem back don't let her suck you dry (umm that came out wrong) lol You know what i mean. Cav 3
Author TheWeeknd Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 @Cav: Ahahaha thanks for the tip and the laughter. In all honesty, I feel like I do not need her in my life anymore and I will be perfectly fine. There might be times where I think and miss the old times we have had but I know that the person she is now isn't someone I would want to be with. She is starting to turn into a fake superficial party girl which I hate. @love4pain: To be honest, I feel as if she needs me more right now then I need her. I might miss the sex and the past, but I do not miss her for who she is now. She basically needs me for the emotional support since she knows her new friends don't really give a crap about her and most likely the new guy she is seeing is most likely going to just use her and run. (Guy is in his mid 30s, rich and has a career which gives him the chance to meet numerous beautiful girls). Ever since the breakup, she has been the one initiating contact each and every single time.
coltsfan1 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 If you have feelings for her still then DO NOT take the bait. If you hate her then bang her and go straight to NC forever. Its a terrible way to handle it, and I would only do it if she cheated.
Author TheWeeknd Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 If you have feelings for her still then DO NOT take the bait. If you hate her then bang her and go straight to NC forever. Its a terrible way to handle it, and I would only do it if she cheated. I have never been the type of person to seek revenge and to be honest I have really no hate for her since she didn't really cheat on me. Emotionally maybe, physically no. Like I said, the only way I know I will want a FWB situation with her would be if it was only about the sex and nothing else. No talking about feelings, or even hanging out/dating again. I am just afraid that she might want something more then just sex and I really am not ready to be best friends with her yet.
calgary Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 this story is so positive! so glad you're feeling better since we're in the same boat, i'm 12 days no contact after she asked me to text her and I never did. I'm really struggling at times, like when I wake up.. I dream about her lots still unfortunately. I get sad moments when i'm alone! but i'm a lot better now than I was. I just would love the ' i'm sorry and I miss you ' text that never comes. I don't know where shes been or what shes been doing but I hate the thought and it puts me off her completely. glad she got in touch though! just boosted my mood reading this! It does make me wonder if my ex still thinks of me daily or if she's completely over me. 1
Author TheWeeknd Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 this story is so positive! so glad you're feeling better since we're in the same boat, i'm 12 days no contact after she asked me to text her and I never did. I'm really struggling at times, like when I wake up.. I dream about her lots still unfortunately. I get sad moments when i'm alone! but i'm a lot better now than I was. I just would love the ' i'm sorry and I miss you ' text that never comes. I don't know where shes been or what shes been doing but I hate the thought and it puts me off her completely. glad she got in touch though! just boosted my mood reading this! It does make me wonder if my ex still thinks of me daily or if she's completely over me. Glad my post was able to boost your mood. We all need a little mood boosting during these tough times Just know that things can only get better from here on out. In order for you to fully move on, you have to accept what has happened and lose hope of reconciliation. Even thought it may seem like they are not thinking about you, but you will just have to take my words on it that they are and will be. Even a few years from now they will have small memory lapses about you just like how you will too. Don't look at this like its a bad thing, its good to cherish the past sometimes. My problem in my relationship, and even my ex knew this too, was that I loved her more than I loved myself. I had put her ahead of myself and even planned my future with her in it. Once I started loving myself more and re-planning my goals without her in it, I figured out that I actually never really needed her. The only reason I put her ahead of myself was because I felt good when she felt good. I hope you will get to a point where you feel better and eventually move on. We can do it! 2
calgary Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I feel a lot better too, I just have moments before I go to bed and when I first wake up when I feel a panic and a sadness. I feel fine now and a lot more positive about things. I agree I put her feelings first instead of my own, I was happy when she was happy I can fully relate to that ! we both got hurt and messed about really and we shouldn't take them back! I just find it funny how she came back, i'm so glad that happened and you had the opportunity to hold your head up and reject her!
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Do NOT agree to this. I don't need to tell you why - you already know. Just - don't. Go NC, stay NC. Talk about being a cake-eater!! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Don't do it. You sound so strong, solid, and self-respecting. I don't imagine you're going to have any problem finding a girl you can have sex and much more with. Getting tangled up with your ex is only going to hold you back, and be a safety blanket for her. It sounds like you're headed down a good road, and she's making some poor decisions. Don't let her pull you into all that. I think the strength you're showing here is admirable and inspiring! 3
fixing Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Tell her to eff off! Your better off without her. Going back to an ex is like, taking a nice hot shower, than getting back into your dirty old clothes, you just don't do it! 1
Chi townD Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 She wanted to "be friends" in the worst way. She has brought it up to you SEVERAL times, and you were strong and said "no". She wanted to use you as an emotional tampon until someone else came along and she would probably kick you to the curb. But, you held on strong and said "no" Bravo dude!!! But, now she's desperate. She still wants to "be friends" and now she sweetened the pot and got you interested in her proposal. She want's the friendship in exchange for sex. Women know the power that sex has on us guys. I mean, we spent 9 months of our lives trying to get out of the womb and the rest of our lives trying to get back into one. But, if you do the FWB, sooner or later she's going to meet someone and she's going to tell you that this has to stop because she found someone else and wants to be exclusive with him. But, you can't get mad! Because you two were JUST FRIENDS....see how that works? 2
robaday Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 This happened to me actually recently. Struggle to turn down no-strings attached sex, but I did. She said she was still hurting and seemed really angry Id moved on. Mate, youve done the right thing. Im in the same boat. Its funny, was yours the kind of girl who would always insist she didnt do one night stands? or casual sex? Cause, its when stuff like this happens you start to wonder who you actually dates all those years. 1
Love4Pain Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I still say you might get hurt in the long run since you still have feelings, even if you say she needs it more than you. Just be careful, you're going to do what you want to do and if you do eventually accept her offer just be aware that you might get wrapped up in all the sex and it could lead you to a bad place if/when she decides she doesn't need it anymore. If it were me, I would probably end up feeling used at some point =\
calgary Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 anyone ever accepted fwb by any chance? i'd be curious as to how it panned out from somebody's perspective who took up this offer. still don't think you should do it !
iouaname Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 anyone ever accepted fwb by any chance? i'd be curious as to how it panned out from somebody's perspective who took up this offer. still don't think you should do it ! I have not and would not, but my best friend went through that. She dated a guy for about 8 months, and then he broke up with her because "he didn't want to be in a relationship." They stopped talking for a little while until he hit her up for sex. She accepted because she thought it meant they'd get back together, and it went on for 4 years (yes... FOUR YEARS). He would text her to have sex, she'd oblige, and then he would disappear for a little while. One day, he told her that he thought they should stop sleeping together. Then she never heard from him again. A few weeks later, he was in a relationship with a new girl. Needless to say, my friend was devastated... because of a man who dumped her four years ago. It's just reopening an old wound and continuing to jab into it. Terrible, terrible idea. Do not agree to it. 1
robaday Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Thats the thing, im a guy and i doubt i could have sex with someone more than about 10 times without getting feelings for them. You would have to be completely emotionally unavailable for it to work, sounds like neither of you are fully over it, in which case it would end even worse. Problem ive found with two ex's now, is the more times you hook up, or get back together the less and less respect you have for each other....and then the love has completely gone and you cant even bring yourself to think of them positively in any way...probably gonna piss off a lot of people on here now, but there is something to be said for ending when theres still some love/respect left. Once that loves gone, your just killing each other in meaningless attachment and anger 1
oracle Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Trust me. You will never be free if you go there. Cause the sex with ur ex will feel like something more than with anyone else new. It will be a constant reminder of what's no longer yours. I have been living with my ex 2.5yrs post break and I do still have sex with him now and then. So believe me when I tell you. Cause I have the experience 1
its a lifestyle Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Bang it.. but NEVER make her your GF again, she's obviously a slut. Girls like her are good for those boring weekday nights incase you have nothing better on the menu..
Author TheWeeknd Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Thanks for all the input everyone. At this point in time I have not replied to any of the ex's suggestions to be friends with benefits. She is basically begging me to be her "friend" since she is afraid of losing me if I continued the NC which I told her was for us to move on. It is really hard to not cave in to the suggestion of having that physical high again with her but I know I can do so much better than be just another option. Ever since the break up I have felt as if a huge weight has been lifted off my back. Little did I know, she was really dragging me down with her through her depression while I was in the relationship. I did everything I could to make her happy yet she was constantly putting me down and eventually broke it off when she made new friends that temporary made her depression better by taking her to elite exclusive parties for rich folks. Ever since the breakup I have became more fit (hit the gym 4 days a week now), started a new hobby which I thoroughly enjoy, I feel more focused on my career/education and I know where I want to be in the future. Right now, I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that me and the ex really have no chance of getting together again since the girl I fell in love with is dead, and the person she is now is just trying to use me for her own benefits. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 You also have to ask that, if she could seek a FWB liaison with you, this would give her no qualms about beginning to date someone else and be their FWB as well. I mean - this time, you may end up sharing... Eeewgh..... Wise move, keeping clear.... Stay NC, hun - you KNOW it makes sense - !! 1
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