iouaname Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Hi all! So I've decided to start a sort of journal in the coping section. This is mostly for myself, really, but I'd love for people to read and/or offer suggestions. I decided to move out of the "needy and codependent?" break up thread because I feel like I'm just in such a different place now. I'm no longer going through a breakup, instead I'm moving on with my life and it's such an exciting feeling that I wanted to keep a thread for myself, maybe just to kind of organize my thoughts and to kind of see my progress. After my boyfriend ended the relationship, I seriously never thought that I'd be happy again. For a while I was in such a slump that every day felt like it had 72 hours. All of it was spent dwelling on the situation. Something snapped in me on Valentine's Day (which was, ironically, exactly two months since the breakup) and my entire mindset has changed. While I feel like the situation with my ex is still present, I feel like the breakup left me with a lot of self-esteem issues and a lot of uncertainties about myself and my life, and I want to kind of diary here as I sort through those things and try to use this experience to better myself. Cheesy, I know, but that's how I am 3
Author iouaname Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) 60 Days No Contact Commitment For a while after my breakup, I had kept in contact with my ex. He said that he wanted to be "really good friends" and was sending me all sorts of mixed messages, claiming that he thought I was "the one" but that he "needed time" and all sorts of things that really confused me and made me unsure if we were actually breaking up. The result: I came off like a desperate, pathetic clinger But - any time that I would pull away, he would reel me back in. About two months into the breakup, I decided to go no contact and something really clicked in me. I heard from him until about the fourth day, and then he stopped trying until a week later when he called and then left a voicemail. Since then - nothing. And I've been feeling much better. I miss him at times, but overall I feel like my life is starting to get back on track. So I'm now at Day 15 of complete no contact. It might not seem like much, but it's surprised me that I've managed it. So the commitment that I've made to myself is that - no matter what - I am not going to speak to him for sixty days. That's not to say that I will immediately jump on the phone on Day 61 or anything, I'm just making a commitment to myself that for the next sixty days (two months), I will not, under any circumstances, speak to my ex. I'll reassess how I feel about him after those sixty days - but who knows? Hopefully I'll not even feel the need to speak to him! I'm making those sixty days a sort of gift to myself, though. I was consumed by the relationship while I was in it, and I sort of stopped paying attention to the other things that I loved. I lost myself in the relationship, and I'm giving myself these sixty days to do the things that I love and to find myself as an individual. Edited February 28, 2013 by iouaname
Author iouaname Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Day 16 I'm actually still feeling pretty good! Even when I have low moments where I feel like I miss him, I am finding it much easier to shut off those thoughts and find something else to do. I am starting to become more social and enjoying myself more. After the breakup, I just wanted to isolate myself and not be around people. Being around people made me miserable, for some reason, because I felt like I was trying to fill the void of someone I loved so much with people and things that just didn't mean that much to me. Now, I actually enjoy myself. My roommates have been great, and we've been doing different things every night. I've been meeting new people, using Facebook to reach out to old friends... I'm happy about it. There is a new guy in my life, but I'm taking it so slowly. We've been mostly texting, but I hung out with him once a few weeks ago. We text almost every day, sometimes for a while and sometimes just briefly. He works and goes to school so he's very busy, but I like having someone to text AND I like that things are moving slowly. And if nothing comes of it, that's fine too, because at least I'll have cultivated a friendship! So that's what I'm working on right now - being more social and surrounding myself with people that I enjoy. There are people who would like to be a part of my life and who I would like to have as part of my life, so I'm not going to waste my time on feelings for someone who was willing to lose me 1
Author iouaname Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 So I was drinking last night, which I haven't done much since the breakup because it makes me emotional - and I guess that's still the case. I'm feeling okay, but something about tonight has just made me miss my ex a lot Also - the guy I was texting messaged me tonight to ask me if we could "just be friends" because he's seeing someone else now (I think that he might have gotten back together with his ex, funny enough). I was a little disappointed - it was nice having someone to just text. I did say that I was willing to be friends with him before but now I'm not sure if I want to I'm still feeling decent in comparison to how I had been feeling for a while, but I'm going to have to draw on some strength to keep it together this weekend, I think.
na49 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I decided to move out of the "needy and codependent?" break up thread because I feel like I'm just in such a different place now. I'm no longer going through a breakup, instead I'm moving on with my life This part made me smile I'm happy to see you're doing well. Getting out there and interacting with new people definitely helps a lot. I seriously need to do it more myself... 1
Author iouaname Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Day 17 I don't know if it's the alcohol or what, but I'm feeling a little bit down today. I'm trying to keep myself distracted, but I've been thinking about my ex a lot today. I'm not really having any urge to contact him, I'm just thinking about things too much and finding myself angry with him. Since I am not going to say this to him, I figured I would post it here just to get it off my chest: "I'm really pissed at what you did. I'm pissed that you spent the entire summer trying to get me more invested in the relationship, and then spent the entire fall working on an exit strategy. I'm pissed that you don't think you've done anything wrong, and I'm pissed that you were so unhappy in the relationship that it was worth losing me from your life rather than be together. I'm so angry by the things that happened after the breakup, too. I did it to myself by remaining in contact with you, but the way you just flipped a switch and were able to act so callous towards me while simultaneously asking me to stay in your life as a friend still makes me seethe to this day. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want a friend who makes me feel like this - **** you." Okay - so there. It's off my chest, and I'm going to try to forget about it for today. In other news, I've been continuing the whole attempt to be more social and it's been working out so far! I haven't necessarily made boatloads of new friends or anything but I'm feeling much more "connected" to the world than I was after the breakup. Oh! So before I met my ex - I was involved in this group that used to organize events. I participated in the events all the time and was actually a pretty respected member of the community. When I met my ex, I stopped participating because he thought it was dumb Anyway - I went back after the breakup and actually took the initiative to ORGANIZE the event for this month, which was something that I never did before. It's been so much work, but it started on Friday and will go for a few weeks and it has been working out better than I could have imagined. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to manage it, but it's been going great! This will probably last for a few weeks, and it's a nice distraction from things. It's also just neat to get my sense of independence back by doing something myself that has absolutely no relation to my ex 1
Yasuandio Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 iouaname, You are an inspriration! You're doing great! Yas
Author iouaname Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 iouaname, You are an inspriration! You're doing great! Yas lol thanks, but hardly! Today has been tough. I had to force myself out of bed. I'm trying to distract myself, but I have no motivation to do anything. Ugh... 1
Author iouaname Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Day 20 I am a third of the way through the commitment that I made to myself, and even though I'm really proud about it, I can definitely see now why people said that the third and fourth week after NC are the hardest. He messaged me on Sunday night, which I was honestly kind of surprised about. I read the message and it made me sad because I do miss him and it's nice to see that he cares and is trying to contact me, but the message was such obvious breadcrumbs (I mean, it didn't even contain an I miss you or a suggestion that he was regretting his decision) that I just sort of immediately closed it and tried not to focus on it. On the plus side, the project that I've been organizing has been going REALLY well. Better than I even expected. It's kind of nice to just have something that I'm working on and that I'm accomplishing. I feel like I've recently gotten so busy with school and friends and this project and family, but it's a welcomed business because it helps keep my mind off of things during a time where I really need distraction.
Author iouaname Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Day 24 Had a rough night last night where I really wanted to contact him. I'm very thankful this morning that I didn't. I'm going to a wedding today. I went to a wedding the day after he broke up with me in December and I was miserable. Today I'm determined to make up for not enjoying that one by enjoying this one. I just hope the sadness doesn't hit me once I get there...
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