21 y/o girl here hopelessly attracted to a 42 y/o man I work with - is it mutual??

February 28, 2013

this is the first time that I've really been attracted to an older man in my immediate life. Upon arriving to the first employee meeting (since it's a new restaurant) he was standing outside with one of the owners and for some reason I basically walked right up to him looking a bit expectant, to which he reacted professionally and nicely, letting me know that there were some forms to fill out inside -__- lol. I guess I thought he was another of one of the owners or managers, hah. He's been serving and in and out of the restaurant business (a few different ends of it) for a while so carries himself very well. I'm a new server on the other hand so am still learning and catching onto things. I'm pretty damn quiet at work- friendly, but quiet on the whole- and around him can become a bit flustered at times. This is a small town and he happens to know my former neighbor, a few of my parents' good friends (only has met my mom once or twice apparently), and used to coach one of my best friends in basketball. It's pleasant working with him; we joke around sometimes though it seems to be him having to initiate it more though 'cause I'm a bit lacking in the self esteem department (this job has given me much anxiety lol), and he'll give me some advice here and there about work related things. None of what I'm about to list is necessarily so special because I know he plays around with the other girls too, buttt: one day when I came in with poison ivy on my leg he said, "playing around with boys in the woods?" and I got super red- I HATe when i can't think of anything witty to say on the spot, too. then he said, "uh oh, I'm telling 'uncle' B (my mom's friend)". Another time he said he knows when I zone out it's because I'm thinking about chasing boys and how does he know? 'cause i was turning red (i'm a fair redhead, can't help it sometimes), and that this other girl i was standing with thinks about her man (she's engaged). then, i didn't catch onto it all the way, he said something like what started to be 'and i think about...oops that almost came out wrong' (was it 'women'?) Sometimes he'll play sing my name or mess with the syllables, one of the last times I worked with him he called me 'baby S'. There was a time i was sitting at the bar doing check out and he came up and said "hey baby, come here often?" in a fake deep voice. Threw a piece of paper at me in the dining room the other night. But idk I get the vibe that he kind of thinks I'm too much of a girl... he may or may not also be starting to become involved with one of our bartenders who's in her 30s, I know they've done stuff together outside of work but she had a long-distance boyfriend until recently. I unfortunately got kicked out of my house a few weeks ago (it's been a rough year with my dad having passed away) and he got wind of some of my problems and gave me his number one night. He wrote it out and handed it to me not in front of per se but more or less in close sight of other servers and said that he's been where I'm at and if I ever need any advice or just need to talk then to call him. Man was I happy that night lol...sort of felt glowing.. but yeah it's been maybe a couple weeks since then and I haven't contacted him just because I don't know what to think or how to initiate it, as well as still mulling over in my mind what his thoughts are about me/ if I'd want to go through with this/ how to not embarrass myself. I know the sexual aspect is there because we're both very physically attractive.... yeah damn, I just don't know. he's a little bit weird maybe, I don't know his whole story, but is very cool; plays local softball, bikes a lot/stays in shape... I like that he's told me it's okay if I'm more introverted. He made fun of me about having had spilled a drink earlier in the night (lol duhr) and I was just furrowing my brow a little but smiling and he was like "I'm only teasing..." and rubbed his knuckles on my arms a bit but this was in front of, again, other servers, one of them a middle aged woman so. I am pretty innocent looking (but not truly which he's half-speculated about jokingly in diff. ways) and acting so it's just I don;t know what the relation looks like from the outside- if it really does look like mentor mode. Later on he was like "come on, poke me in the arm, I know you want to get me back for teasing you earlier." lol.. yea dunno.but then he's said something to me, and this was a situational work thing about me having left something or other, that he's very observant and sometimes sees things he wishes he didn't...

I don't know but I want him, even for just sex. It wouldn't be just sex to me anyways though 'cause I know there could be a lot of beauty in it and I'd so enjoy just being outside with him. How would I even start initiating an out of work conversation by text since he geared it towards advice? I don't see him until Saturday and was maybe thinking of texting him between now and then- I D K.

and I'm not expecting or wanting a relationship out of this, but I have to say I do wish that I had enough confidence and assurance in myself so that maybe he would think of me like that more (still dk if i would want that).

February 28, 2013

From your OP, I think you are right in thinking he thinks of you as a girl. Not saying he wouldn't accept an invitation, but you are fooling yourself some if you think this is just sex. You seem to be forming an emotional attachment to this man and should factor that into any choices you make about how to proceed. In other words, I think you should steer clear. Good luck.

February 28, 2013

there is maybe a little attachment there and I think he's aware of it maybe- do you think he's turned off/annoyed by it?

February 28, 2013

This guy flirts with all the girls. All your other female co-workers, get it? Don't let him fool you.

You are so enraptured that you would accept sex with no strings? It's your decision. Know that the next day he will keep flirting with the others. Use protection.

Is he a figure of authority? Is he your superior at work? My observation is that this power dynamic tends to fool your brain and make you think you're in love with the man. Kind of like a girl student and her older male teacher ... the dynamic distorts your view of him temporarily. When the smoke and mirrors clear and the girl sees the real person outside of the power dynamic bubble, the attraction evaporates too. Keep this in mind, it may or may not be what you're experiencing.

P.S. He's attractive enough to attract a 21 y/o so why isn't he married? (I bet he doesn't want to be or can't maintain a long-term relationship)

February 28, 2013

He's a figure of authority only in that he's been a server for way longer, but no, we are more or less equal on that front.

February 28, 2013

there is maybe a little attachment there and I think he's aware of it maybe- do you think he's turned off/annoyed by it?

Nothing in your OP suggests annoyance. He definitely likes you according to what you post, so wouldn't worry about him being annoyed. You need to consider this rationally because you work together. If something happened, and then there was a misunderstanding, or things didn't turn out well, what would work be like after? Would you have to change jobs?

February 28, 2013

You get to make your own decisions so long as you handle the consequences. (Broken heart) This guy may be a player, but you decide if he's worth it. By the way, you're 21 and he's 42, so you're way out of his league. You should not settle for NSA sex if you don't want to. But if you do want to then of course that's your personal choice. Some people can be happy with it.

February 28, 2013

You'll need to establish what his true intentions are. And you need to be able to deal with an office relationship or face the consequences of something going wrong and seeing him again. I certainly wouldn't make yourself too available to him.

Oh and remember that to some men (and women), flirting is a sport.

February 28, 2013

You're 21 and he is 42. That's a huge age gap. If you want him for more, than don't sleep with him right away. Women naturally have chemicals in their body that once they sleep with someone they already like, they naturally feel even more connected to them than before. Men do not have those same chemicals. You say you are okay with it being just sex. That is until you actually have sex with him and it is "just sex" to him. Then it's not going to feel so good anymore.

I would be careful with men double your own age. Sometimes men treat women like they are prizes for their age. Sometimes men objectify women based on their age. Sometimes men believe they are *better* than women their own age simply because they are men and women are women.

Do you think this guy would be interested in you if you were his own age? That might answer a big question for you.

I understand being young and having a lot of hormones and feelings. BUT considering how much you like him already, it's very unlikely that if you sleep with him, you aren't going to come out of this burnt in some way.

Then you will ahve to see him at work still.

Be very careful with older men as a younger woman. Sometimes men are not kind to women based on their age. Even toward the younger women they may want to sleep with.

February 28, 2013

OMG, paragraphs, punctuation, grammar, yikes.

Bottom line, he thinks of you as "one of the girls", as in like a daughter but with sexually playful overtones. Sick. He's trying to be flirty, and if he's not careful, he'll cross a line that he shouldn't. Maybe not with you, but with someone. Eventually.

February 28, 2013

I have been where you are, when I was 23, though I didn't work wiht the guy. It is true what the others are saying about the smoke and mirrors. Because he is older, has experience, and "carries himself well" he is exerting power over you (and the other girls). You, unfortunately, are NOT special to him at all; he will try to sleep with whoever will let him. After he's done with you, he will try for every single one of your coworkers - right in front of you. That hurts in a way no one can describe to you until you experience it. While you sit there broken-hearted and crying behind closed doors, he is carrying on like nothing happened, only no more attention to you. You become nothing to him.

Basically, this man is a predator, and using your down-and-out luck right now as an "in." This is a sport to him, like others have said, and he is working on getting each of you, one by one. HE does this everywehre, btw, not just at work. THe overly sexual flirting/joking is a big clue. That is all he can think about, and it is all he wants you girls to be thinking about around him. It causes the blushing, the association of him with sexual feelings and embarrassment, it gives him power. Just think of the end, after sex, he will treat you like a dude. Not special, not cute, no flirting, until his bed feels cold. After a few times of that (you will be so thrilled and elated at the return of his attentions), you realize you are being played very easily and fo a fool.

The kick to your self-esteem after a few months, when he is finally and truly done, and you approach him to beg for him back (*cringe* can't believe this happened), you will truly feel like crap. You won't be able to be around him because you will be licking deep wounds that will never heal while in his presence. He won't be kind to you, but will revel in and enjoy your reactions - it strokes his ego. And, there are many other girls in the same predicament.

Hold onto your dignity; enjoy the flirting, flirt back, but NEVER give in. You will be better off for it, and will be able to enjoy the attention for much longer. Trust me on this one.

But, you are 21, and this may be one of those very painful life lessons you have to learn for yourself. if so, you have my sympathy, and good luck.

February 28, 2013

IMO it is probably mutual. Is he married with kids?

February 28, 2013

Since it's a small town, what's this guy's rep? I live near a small town and you can't fart without someone talking about it. His rep will tell you everything you need to know about his 'attraction' and historical actions. Ask around. Good luck.

February 28, 2013

Disagree with all the "predator" talk in some posts and veiled implications about the guy in question in other posts. Nothing, less than nothing, in the OP justifies that kind of assumption. As far as what is posted, this man has been completely kind and decent to OP. She is the one here posting about sexual attraction to him, not the other way around. We have no idea whatsoever what's in this guy's head other than he has treated OP well.

Abuse culture and the misandry inherent in it needs to GO... yesterday, from this forum and everywhere else.

February 28, 2013

Disagree with all the "predator" talk in some posts and veiled implications about the guy in question in other posts. Nothing, less than nothing, in the OP justifies that kind of assumption. As far as what is posted, this man has been completely kind and decent to OP. She is the one here posting about sexual attraction to him, not the other way around. We have no idea whatsoever what's in this guy's head other than he has treated OP well.

Abuse culture and the misandry inherent in it needs to GO... yesterday, from this forum and everywhere else.

Yeah there seems to be a lot of assumptions piled on that guy due to his age. Someone her age could be a "predator" or "out of her league". If he was 20 or 30 or 40 that could be the case. Sure he might be a total skeeze bag but without knowing him there's no way to know.

February 28, 2013

What is it with older guys in the restaurant business hitting on all the young employees? I've seen this same story countless times.

OP, you are eating up the attention and he knows it. He's been in this business for many years and knows how to play the game. He knows how to make a girl feel special and curious. You won't be the first or the last young girl he plays with.

He may not have done anything inappropriate yet, but he's setting the stage. He's grooming her. And it's working because now he has her thinking about him, she's curious and entertaining the thought of something more.

OP, just wait until you two are alone and he moves in for the kiss. Beware of the words "I've never done anything like this before. You seem so mature for your age. I just feel a connection that I can't ignore".

Sure, he may be a good guy, but the odds are against it, IMO. Just keep your eyes wide open.

February 28, 2013

What is it with older guys in the restaurant business hitting on all the young employees? I've seen this same story countless times...

Puhleeze... more stranger danger? Nothing in the OP warrants the above.

And besides, what exactly is "inappropriate" about any legal thing -any- two consenting adults of any age do? Necessarily "inappropriate" because of the age gap and she's a woman? Thought so. We've established there is no power imbalance between the two at work, so I'm really really curious as to any rational justtification for the choice of the word "inappropriate." Why, then are OP's attitudes and feelings not also "inappropriate?"

I remember when Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher hooked up. Interesting how there was nothing but crickets from the stranger danger predator abuse culture crowd then, nothing but attagirls for Demi being "empowered" to attract and date a younger man. Same with lots of the actual statutory rape legal cases where female teachers abused younger male students. Some mild rebuff, mostly crickets. Cheers when they hooked up after she got out of jail. Interesting how that works, isn't it?

Time for "predator abuse culture" and misandric assumptions acccompanying to -go away-.

February 28, 2013

Puhleeze... more stranger danger? Nothing in the OP warrants the above.

And besides, what exactly is "inappropriate" about any legal thing -any- two consenting adults of any age do? Necessarily "inappropriate" because of the age gap and she's a woman? Thought so. We've established there is no power imbalance between the two at work, so I'm really really curious as to any rational justtification for the choice of the word "inappropriate." Why, then are OP's attitudes and feelings not also "inappropriate?"

I remember when Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher hooked up. Interesting how there was nothing but crickets from the stranger danger predator abuse culture crowd then, nothing but attagirls for Demi being "empowered" to attract and date a younger man. Same with lots of the actual statutory rape legal cases where female teachers abused younger male students. Some mild rebuff, mostly crickets. Cheers when they hooked up after she got out of jail. Interesting how that works, isn't it?

Time for "predator abuse culture" and misandric assumptions acccompanying to -go away-.

Nothing inappropriate at all, if he is not her superior. I never said it was inappropriate or questioned the legality of it. I also didn't call him a predator.

I just gave my opinion on it, offered some insight into what his intentions may be, and told her to keep her eyes open.

It's easy for young women to get hurt in situations like this, because they don't intend to be involved emotionally, but have a hard time stopping it. Making decisions based on our emotions and attraction, often results in heartache. That would not be the guys fault, though. She is responsible for her own well being, as all adults are.

I'm not blaming the guy here or accusing him of wrongdoing. I am just offering a warning to the OP. The 42 year old is not charged with protecting OPs emotional health, and has no obligation to consider it. That's her job.

As an adult, we should "babysit" ourselves in a sense, and keep ourselves out of circumstances that could hurt us (not just physically, but emotionally). Regardless of dude's intentions, IMO, this "relationship" puts the OP in a vulnerable position. Since they are both "of age", the guy has every right to exploit that vulnerablity. But knowledge is power. As an adult woman, we can be smart and recognize red flags & patterns (in ourselves and others) in order to avoid possible shady people and situations. Or we can follow our feelings and emotions and allow life to "happen" to us. I just think this is one of those situations where it is smart to be wary, and ask herself if the benefits outweigh the risks.

February 28, 2013

If your relationship caused problems at work (too much drama) who do you think they would fire? Unless you can afford to be unemployed (you wouldn't be able to collect unemployment if you were fired), I'd steer clear and look for boys your own age.

March 1, 2013

He may not have done anything inappropriate yet, but he's setting the stage. He's grooming her.

Nothing inappropriate at all, if he is not her superior. I never said it was inappropriate or questioned the legality of it. I also didn't call him a predator.

I was referring to other posts re "predator" not yours. But you did in fact state that he is setting the stage for some kind of "inappropriate" behavior, when nothing in OP suggests that he has done or is planning to do something inappropriate. Your post, full of assumptions and innuendo, would never read the way it does if this were a female to male age gap and not male-female.

March 1, 2013

I have been where you are, when I was 23, though I didn't work wiht the guy. It is true what the others are saying about the smoke and mirrors. Because he is older, has experience, and "carries himself well" he is exerting power over you (and the other girls). You, unfortunately, are NOT special to him at all; he will try to sleep with whoever will let him. After he's done with you, he will try for every single one of your coworkers - right in front of you. That hurts in a way no one can describe to you until you experience it. While you sit there broken-hearted and crying behind closed doors, he is carrying on like nothing happened, only no more attention to you. You become nothing to him.

Basically, this man is a predator, and using your down-and-out luck right now as an "in." This is a sport to him, like others have said, and he is working on getting each of you, one by one. HE does this everywehre, btw, not just at work. THe overly sexual flirting/joking is a big clue. That is all he can think about, and it is all he wants you girls to be thinking about around him. It causes the blushing, the association of him with sexual feelings and embarrassment, it gives him power. Just think of the end, after sex, he will treat you like a dude. Not special, not cute, no flirting, until his bed feels cold. After a few times of that (you will be so thrilled and elated at the return of his attentions), you realize you are being played very easily and fo a fool.

The kick to your self-esteem after a few months, when he is finally and truly done, and you approach him to beg for him back (*cringe* can't believe this happened), you will truly feel like crap. You won't be able to be around him because you will be licking deep wounds that will never heal while in his presence. He won't be kind to you, but will revel in and enjoy your reactions - it strokes his ego. And, there are many other girls in the same predicament.

Hold onto your dignity; enjoy the flirting, flirt back, but NEVER give in. You will be better off for it, and will be able to enjoy the attention for much longer. Trust me on this one.

But, you are 21, and this may be one of those very painful life lessons you have to learn for yourself. if so, you have my sympathy, and good luck.

OP, there is a lot of truth in the post above.

I've worked around men my whole life. Thank god I had a dad who helped me look out for the kind of man this guy sounds like. I've witnessed it happening to other women and so steered clear myself.

The post above has him pegged.

You miss your dad? This guy is old enough to be your dad and should be a mentor... not someone waiting to suck you in when you are down on your luck.

Next time he tries his schtick... tell him to take his bag o' tricks somewhere else or f*ck someone his own age. Someone who probably can see right through him.

March 1, 2013

Your post, full of assumptions and innuendo, would never read the way it does if this were a female to male age gap and not male-female.

Yes, that's because the dynamic would be different.

March 1, 2013

Yes, that's because the dynamic would be different.

BS. One of these days women are going to have to sit down and understand that equality is not a cafeteria plan where they get to choose favorable, protective treatment of the past when it's convenient ("awwww she's still a babeeeeeee!"), and then shift (blameshift more accurately) into "equality mode" when it suits them and brings advantage. Women in the workplace or anywhere else will never gain true respect from men as equals until they do this and drop the expectations of applying whichever double standard brings a more favorable outcome whenever the wind shifts. Lots of women are already there, more need to be.

OP seems to have her head on perfectly well in this situation, and did a very good job of describing the situation without any "poo poo widda girlie me" tone or innuendo. It's ashamed that other posters have chosen to inject the "different dynamic," "predator in the bushes" nonsense in a situation where it simply isn't present.

March 1, 2013

BS. One of these days women are going to have to sit down and understand that equality is not a cafeteria plan where they get to choose favorable, protective treatment of the past when it's convenient ("awwww she's still a babeeeeeee!"), and then shift (blameshift more accurately) into "equality mode" when it suits them and brings advantage. Women in the workplace or anywhere else will never gain true respect from men as equals until they do this and drop the expectations of applying whichever double standard brings a more favorable outcome whenever the wind shifts. Lots of women are already there, more need to be.

I'm confused. What protective treatment are you talking about? No second or third party is protecting the OP. She is simply trying to protect herself, as any independent adult should.

Here is why women are special in the dating world and equal in the workplace. In the realm of mating, the woman bears the man's children up front and raises them. The man's end of the bargain provide/protect, by contrast, is not completed up front. Neither gender is special; both are of equal value. The reason that a woman is wooed and doted on is because her part of the deal is up front, whereas his end of the bargain has to be taken on faith. Imagine that somebody is trying to sell you their labor for the next 20 years, and you have to pay them a nonrefundable sum of money up front that you can never get back, and you won't ever earn more money, the value of the currency is decreasing exponentially with time, and you can't sue, there's no legal system if the seller turns out to be a crooked liar. That seller will woo you to get you to trust him. Do you think it's unfair that the potential buyer is treated special? Awwwwww maybe the buyer is a babeeeeeeeeeee. The workplace has nothing to do with mating. The aforementioned dynamic does not apply. So no, no special treatment of anybody there. And that's not a double standard because mating and working are apples and oranges.

OP seems to have her head on perfectly well in this situation, and did a very good job of describing the situation without any "poo poo widda girlie me" tone or innuendo. It's ashamed that other posters have chosen to inject the "different dynamic," "predator in the bushes" nonsense in a situation where it simply isn't present.

As I stated, that doesn't necessarily mean the OP shouldn't sleep with the guy; it's her personal choice. She's an adult. I said that.

So you think the "predator in the bushes" doesn't exist? He wants to have sex and he isn't going to baby the girl, as you say he shouldn't. It is therefore the OP's responsibility to decide what her best interest is. The opposite of "awwww she's still a babeeeeeee!" Nobody here is condemning the man in question because none of this discussion has to do with him but rather her. He's free to lurk in bushes all day and that's fine.

March 1, 2013

Nobody here is condemning the man in question because none of this discussion has to do with him but rather her.

Are we reading the same thread?

Next time he tries his schtick... tell him to take his bag o' tricks somewhere else or f*ck someone his own age. Someone who probably can see right through him.

He may not have done anything inappropriate yet, but he's setting the stage. He's grooming her.

Basically, this man is a predator, and using your down-and-out luck right now as an "in." This is a sport to him...

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21 y/o girl here hopelessly attracted to a 42 y/o man I work with - is it mutual??

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