Things you've learned from past relationships

[harnold]

Figured this would be a neat little thread where we could post any lessons we may have learned from past relationships, either things we've learned about ourselves or about relationships in general. We've all made mistakes, but the important thing is we learn from them and don't repeat them.

 

I have quite a few, but I'll start with this one, and let others continue.

 

I've learned that there's always light at the end of the tunnel after a breakup. I'm only 25, but I've nonetheless been in a fair amount of relationships, ranging from a few months to 3+ years. I take breakups pretty badly; I would say worse than the average male. That being said, you always manage to bounce back. I think many of us tend to idealize our partner after a breakup, which makes it even harder for us, because you feel like you've lost the perfect person with nobody to fill their void (wow I sound gay). But there's always someone else out there. Nowadays, I think relationship partners are more or less interchangeable; the emotions and experiences you have with one partner are no different than the ones you have with any other partner, but your perception makes it so. As long as personalities are compatible (which I guess is easier said than done), it's really not that difficult to plug someone else into that special role and have just as good a time as the last.

 

Now lets hope I remember this next time **** hits the fan and I feel like the sky is falling lol

 

Let's hear some!

[dasein]

I have learned to concentrate on seduction and expressing sexual interest, spare feelings talk or relationship talk whenever possible, avoid heavy talks or divert them unless absolutely necessary. Just have light fun, they seem to respond much better to continued overt sexual interest, humor and flirtation, than high minded relationship ideals, and this continues well into dating someone, months and years.

 

Also, always have one foot out the door without being a dick about it or manipulative. When a relationship becomes necessary to your life is when you will lose it. See the old song "Love is a Rose" for more detail.

[thecrucible]

I have learnt a lot about communication and getting better at having difficult conversations when absolutely necessary (as dasein said above).

 

I didn't think I'd learnt much until I turned my energies to learning where I'd gone wrong, and focusing on on my worst flaws. I'm glad I did. I think everyone should turn their thinking to self-analysis as you don't reach full enough self-awareness of your dating patterns without it. If I didn't know what I'd done wrong, I'd never have hope of becoming a better person.

 

My biggest lesson is self-sufficiency and knowing what is right for me to seek from a partner, and what isn't; how to keep my life together on my own. Sometimes I see a whisper of an old problem and I feel glad that I'm still taking time out working on myself.

[RogerWallace111]

That one's really gotta get comfortable with being alone. The thought/idea of it & the reality. Not only does it help for when you actually are alone, but it makes relationships, etc way more more easy to handle in a practical, fun way. Those who fear being by themselves for any extended period of time are the ones who unhealthily dig into relationships and have codependent tendencies that ultimately keep the whole thing about them and not their love/admiration for their partner. Even though this is typically subconscious & they'll claim to adore the other (and in a certain way may).

 

It's like the whole eastern teaching that only when you stop clinging to something can you really enjoy/appreciate it in a way devoid of all fear and negativity. No matter how great a relationship may seem, if one or both parties are fundamentally scared of being alone, it's a dark foundation as far as I'm concerned. And I say that having been able to identify at times.

[bodhesatva]

Probably the most important thing I've learned is not from a single relationship, but by comparing several great relationships to each other.

 

My first head-over-heels love was a very loud, outspoken girl. She had very short, light hair and was Irish by descent. Her favorite pastime was cooking, which she was quite good at. She became a writer.

 

My second head-over-heels love was a fairly quiet, soft spoken girl with long, dark hair. She was Persian by descent. She didn't enjoy cooking, but loved to go out to movies. She became a lawyer.

 

I paint these pictures because I loved both of these women deeply. A lot. A whole lot. And as you'll note, they were fairly different people both physically and emotionally. What I learned was this: I am capable of falling in love with a much broader range of people than I expected. I suggest people not get locked in to a very narrow "type" because the odds are that you can fall in love with a lot of men (or women) you totally wouldn't expect you could fall in love with.

 

This isn't to say that every match is perfect, mind you. Of course that's not true. It's possible to be too willing to accept the first guy or girl who knocks on your door. But I find many people narrow their field far too much, and could find profound happiness in unexpected places if they'd simply be open to the idea that they could deeply fall in love with someone who currently falls outside their expected "type."

Edited February 28, 2013 by bodhesatva

[SadSouls]

Don't enquire about they're past unless you're 100% sure you can handle it.

[Granin]

I have learned to concentrate on seduction and expressing sexual interest, spare feelings talk or relationship talk whenever possible, avoid heavy talks or divert them unless absolutely necessary. Just have light fun, they seem to respond much better to continued overt sexual interest, humor and flirtation, than high minded relationship ideals, and this continues well into dating someone, months and years.

 

Also, always have one foot out the door without being a dick about it or manipulative. When a relationship becomes necessary to your life is when you will lose it. See the old song "Love is a Rose" for more detail.

 

 

This is the best lesson to be learned in this thread. It's just difficult to practice a lot of the time.

[todreaminblue]

I have learnt if you dont have the same values.....its a hard road....and one that can end at any time.....

 

that if two people dont work on the relationship it wont work

 

 

that alcohol and drugs are a recipe for infidelity and relationship problems and or abuse

 

 

that staying in a relationship where trust is gone is a prolonged ending......deb

[dj572]

Man where do I start? I have learned so much. I am 38 and I've only had 2 serious relationships but I have learned a lot. Do not depend on anybody else to do the right thing no matter how good you are to them. Do not ask for help doing anything or you will never hear the end of it. Do not depend on anybody for anything if you expect nothing you won't be disappointed. Make sure you NEVER let her control the finances(I'm still paying off bills and she has been gone for 4 years). If your wife leaves change the locks because even though you never dreamed she would take your personal belongings she will. Do not leave yourself without anywhere to go. Do not stop doing something you love for someone else you will resent them for it. Do not compromise your values it will not work out in your favor. NEVER fully trust anybody they will let you down. The most important lesson I have learned is I do not need anybody else in my life to be happy I can make it fine on my own with my friends and family.

[Soxfaninfl]

The women is always right, and she always comes first. Always let her have her way.

[clia]

If you ever have to question whether a man is interested in you...he isn't.

 

If you ever have to justify, make excuses for, or rationalize a man's behavior...he isn't interested.

 

You can't assume you are in an exclusive relationship until you've had a discussion about it.

 

Men are who they are and generally don't hide things....take it or leave it.

 

Life is too short to spend sitting around waiting for a phone call from a man.

[hudson701]

Don't work too much and rob yourself of quality time with your loved one. That's what I did and it cost me my relationship. I'll never get another chance which is something I will regret until the end of my days

[Keenly]

I have learned a few varying things.. I've learned not to fall for trap questions or put IP with double standards. I have Learned that without good sex I can not keep interest for more than a year. I know now that the party girl can not be trusted, and a girl that never puts her phone down is a red flag

 

I have learned that I need a lot of me time in a relationship, aka space. Ive learned not to fall on love unless she looks at me a certain way with loving eyes and a smirk that says "he's gorgeous and he's mine"

 

I have learned that in the beginning of a relationship in the honey moon phase, you can not drop what you are doing to go to or help a girl because it establishes a precedent that you will always come when called like an obedient dog

 

I have learned not to succumb to emotional manipulation and guilt trips... and to ignore a woman pouting.

 

Most importantly I've learned to not become the least bit emotionally invested into any woman that does not show overt signs of interest.

[Sunfire73]

1. A good relationship makes each other a better person not worse.

2. Learn to know your values, dealbreakers and non-dealbreakers early on so you can easily assess the person you're dating and not waste time on someone you're not compatible with.

3. Don't settle, loneliness is not a good reason to have a relationship. And get into one only if you have something to offer.

4. There are relationships that don't last, but it's not the end of the world. There are others that can give you the same experiences, it's not tied to only one person.That is why if you feel that after working on your relationship and it doesn't get better, you have to move on. Don't get stuck with a bad relationship just because you love the person.

5. Have fun, be optimistic. Whatever vibe you're giving radiates, so good vibes attracts good vibes, bad vibes attract the same. Sure, you will find a lot of frogs, but just keep looking until you find your prince.

[Woggle]

Always have respect for yourself and most other things fall into place.

 

Treat them the way they treat you and if they not worthy of good treatment you should not be with them

 

If they are crazy before marriage they will be completely insane after

[salparadise]

Coming off of a recent breakup that was not of my choosing, but which I now realize was for the best, a few lessons learned...

 

• when someone says, don't worry about xyz - that will not happen, watch for it
  
• when someone professes to embrace certain values, yet finds it necessary to make occasional exceptions, something ain't quite right
  
• if someone can easily rationalize and justify, it's likely to be a crooked road ahead
  
• if there is a hint of internal instability, it will not go away because you show them they're worthy and lovable, and it will manifest in the relationship
  
• if someone sees themselves as a victim in a specific situation, it's an integrated coping mechanism that you will see again
  
• if someone identifies strongly with being a really goooood person, it may be a delusion masking internal deficits or conflict
  
• if someone is a bit too eager and quick to consummate a relationship, question the motivation and understand that they can probably switch it off just as suddenly
  

 

That's enough for now, but I should expand it because are a few truths to be had.

[ScienceGal]

Don't ever be with someone who is incapable of being alone.

[meeji]

Long distance relationships aren't so manageable.

 

Choose your battles wisely and don't ignore the odds that are against you. That honeymoon phase can be so blinding.

 

If you have a bad feeling, it is probably more than your insecurities. Follow your gut.

 

Take all experiences as a lesson in life and always look to your future. The end of your relationship isn't the end of the world.

 

You are a beautiful person with plenty to offer. It's just too bad that the person you want to offer it to doesn't see it. Don't best yourself up of it. Eventually someone with cherish you. What we want isn't always what we need.

[Bengal Tiger]

I've learned a hell of a lot about what I like and don't like. Same with what individual women like and don't.

 

Generalizations are mostly bull****. Women really are very unique and like very different things from one individual to another. This is awesome. Getting to know one is an exciting journey of discovery.

 

I've been shocked and saddened by some things I've discovered and amazed and delighted by others. They have opened up lots of other possibilities that I was previously unaware of.

 

No matter what I'm into, there is a strong possibility that some woman somewhere is into it too. Sometimes more than I would think.

 

I've come to appreciate a lot more all around and have gratitude for good things after having lived through the depths of soul sucking hell that was my ex.

 

One can never be too old to make rookie mistakes. **** happens. I make bad decisions when the blood from my brain has headed south.

 

Everyone has fears and insecurities about something. It's what you do about it.

 

There is a boatload of stuff that no one will ever tell you and many will even deny it. One simply has to observe it for oneself to believe it. It is unbelievable.

[sillyanswer]

LDRs suck donkey balls.

 

Women who hate their bodies aren't fun to date.

 

There is such a thing as sexual compatibility. If you like sex, it's worth making this one of your selection criteria.

[NYWoman]

The great ones come along maybe once in a life time. And when they do don't muck it up.

 

Because they are great they will forgive most things.

 

And because they are great there are flocks of women just waiting for you to make a major mistake, prepared to swoop in like vultures and take him away. And there is nothing worse than watching your great one now walking on the arm of someone new, and you will never get that second chance.

[siamex]

Learned that it is better for the woman to be happy than for me to be right. Well, even then in my experience that doesn't always culminate in something going well. I have learned that I was horrible at relationships when I was younger and learned through trial-and-error that it is an ebb and flow type deal. You cannot be too proud to admit things and there has to be complete honesty. I know that in the last relationship, I was too available for her and it became a co-dependency thing and I was taken advantage of on occasion. I have also learned that I have dated mainly women who have high emotional maintenance and that is definitely not a good thing. I used to think it was more to do with what type or ethnicities I dated but have come to learn that its more type situational than background.

[eleanorhurting]

The great ones come along maybe once in a life time. And when they do don't muck it up.

 

Because they are great they will forgive most things.

 

And because they are great there are flocks of women just waiting for you to make a major mistake, prepared to swoop in like vultures and take him away. And there is nothing worse than watching your great one now walking on the arm of someone new, and you will never get that second chance.

 

this is the saddest thing i have read here!

[Luckydad]

Compromise is essential. It has to go both ways.

You both should share the same values.

Be prepared to put a tremendous amount of work into a relationship.

You should never expect to change the person you are with, and conversely shouldn't be expected to change for someone else.

Logic and rationality should never be understated.

It takes 2 people to either make a relationship bad or a relationship good and fulfilling.

 

and the most important lesson I've learned:

 

Divorced dads over 40 with school aged kids are complete utter fools for even entertaining the thought of dating and/or entering into a relationship.

[NYWoman]

It was my screw up! I own it!

 

What P.O.ed me was a couple of the women in the flock of vultures were my friends.