why does loneliness make you feel down? Also shooting too high?

[Necris]

I know the possibility of me getting a girlfriend is exceedingly low so it most likely just won't happen or at least anytime in the foreseeable future. And no I don't expect women to just fall in my lap (works for really attractive guys though) I actually go out and try to approach women and look attractive. Problem for me is women simply aren't attracted to me, regardless of their race, background, their own physical attractiveness, I'll never be that guy women want. I try but I always receive pure failure, it is what it is.

 

But why does this bother me and make me feel down when I'm reminded of this? Shouldn't I just be cool with being alone? I know we have biological urges, but at least for me its not like I'm going to have sex anyway, and I know there is the companionship aspect of it but I already have some friends.

 

 

 

Which brings me to my next slightly unrelated point, for those that struggle with dating I think we are shooting far too high in our goals. Some people just want sex, other people like myself just want a relationship, and a good amount want both. But what if you're actually wanting too much, it will probably be best to lower your goals to something not so high instead of wanting a relationship, maybe just a regular friendship will be better.

 

I was wondering would just trying to be friends (the regular kind not the FWBs people talk about) with women be better sure you don't have the official relationship thing going on, but at least you have something I guess.

Edited February 28, 2013 by Necris

[Els]

Some people just aren't cut out for cold approaching and casual encounters. For those people, being friends with women not only helps, but can sometimes also lead to relationships.

 

But I'm sure a whole busload of guys will come here and try to denounce my point, so in the end it's up to you. You can either persist with something that isn't working, or try something new.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I know the possibility of me getting a girlfriend is exceedingly low so it most likely just won't happen or at least anytime in the foreseeable future. And no I don't expect women to just fall in my lap (works for really attractive guys though) I actually go out and try to approach women and look attractive. Problem for me is women simply aren't attracted to me, regardless of their race, background, their own physical attractiveness, I'll never be that guy women want. I try but I always receive pure failure, it is what it is.

 

But why does this bother me and make me feel down when I'm reminded of this? Shouldn't I just be cool with being alone? I know we have biological urges, but at least for me its not like I'm going to have sex anyway, and I know there is the companionship aspect of it but I already have some friends.

 

 

 

Which brings me to my next slightly unrelated point, for those that struggle with dating I think we are shooting far too high in our goals. Some people just want sex, other people like myself just want a relationship, and a good amount want both. But what if you're actually wanting too much, it will probably be best to lower your goals to something not so high instead of wanting a relationship, maybe just a regular friendship will be better.

 

I was wondering would just trying to be friends (the regular kind not the FWBs people talk about) with women be better sure you don't have the official relationship thing going on, but at least you have something I guess.

 

I'd say you have the right attitude about it.

 

Put it this way. You whine less than a lot of people who have never had problems attracting others, and have had many relationships with sex.

 

Yea, it might take a while. Years. Shake your head, and strap in.

[jma500]

You state all women are attracted to you. Have you actually met all women? I'd bet not. You also mentioned about really good looking guys being successful. when I was in my late twenties/early thirties I weighed 165 pounds and 5 foot 6 tall. chubby to say the least. yet women in college and work loved to be around me. I wasn't Mr outgoing either and still these women came to me. I never approached any of them. I could never understand why. My point is that not only good looking guys get women. maybe you have hobbies that could spark an accidental conversation? For example last December I went to nyc with a few fellow photo artists. I was riding the subway and my tripod slipped over to the woman next to me. she let me know and I made a quip. with that she began asking me about photography. nothing contrived just an accidental conversation.

[Necris]

You state all women are attracted to you. Have you actually met all women? I'd bet not. You also mentioned about really good looking guys being successful. when I was in my late twenties/early thirties I weighed 165 pounds and 5 foot 6 tall. chubby to say the least. yet women in college and work loved to be around me. I wasn't Mr outgoing either and still these women came to me. I never approached any of them. I could never understand why. My point is that not only good looking guys get women. maybe you have hobbies that could spark an accidental conversation? For example last December I went to nyc with a few fellow photo artists. I was riding the subway and my tripod slipped over to the woman next to me. she let me know and I made a quip. with that she began asking me about photography. nothing contrived just an accidental conversation.

 

I neither have the time or energy or even want to approach every woman, but from my experiences I've never had a woman be attracted to me. I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never had a kiss, never had a girl flirt with me at least to my knowledge. I've had very few dates, and never a second date, the girls I have been on a date with always tell me about the good time they had and then they fade away from my life forever. So from all my experiences yeah, I'm quite certain I'm not attractive to women, and its extremely unlikely I'll ever get a girlfriend. And yes I do regularly talk to women it never goes anywhere though but oh well.

 

This is not what confuses me, it is what it is. Some people are meant to get in relationships and such others are meant to be alone, its just life.

 

What I'm wondering about now is why do I have to care, why does it bother me that I'm alone and will probably be alone through the foreseeable future, and what can I do to stop letting this bother me?

 

As for other guys not having to approach women and women going after them, I know what you are talking about I've known guys like this, unfortunately I'm not one of those guys. If I don't try I get ignored might as well be asexual or invisible.

 

You claim you were unattractive, maybe to yourself you were unattractive, but not to the women around you. If women are approaching you without you trying you are or were definitely attractive at least to the women who approached you.

Edited February 28, 2013 by Necris

[Necris]

Some people just aren't cut out for cold approaching and casual encounters. For those people, being friends with women not only helps, but can sometimes also lead to relationships.

 

But I'm sure a whole busload of guys will come here and try to denounce my point, so in the end it's up to you. You can either persist with something that isn't working, or try something new.

 

Being friends with women isn't new to me I have and have had female friends. I've never really had many female friends or friends in general but I have had female friends. Unfortunately friendships never turn into relationships, nor do female friends ever help introduce me to other women either directly or indirectly. That doesn't stop me from being friendly with women but I know its not going anywhere.

[Necris]

I already know my dating situation is extremely bleak, but what I was wondering is if anyone has any advice on just feeling good about loneliness instead of feeling bad.

[thecrucible]

Why live in denial of what you want, Necris? If you don't want to be lonely, you don't have to be. I'm not trying to make light of your experiences but maybe women have liked you and you haven't noticed. I have liked guys in the past but have gone off them if I realised they are insecure. Another thing is that you shouldn't judge your level of attractiveness on the number of women who approach you since women don't generally do the approaching. There are other reasons women don't approach which are unrelated to attractiveness. You might be coming across as standoff-ish or not open and friendly without realising it. Project openness and more people will want to know you.

 

As for feeling good about being lonely...why do you want to feel good about a state of affairs you aren't happy with? Why not say "I'm not happy with what's happening so I'm going to do something about it"? It's better to think that than to force yourself into a situation you don't want to be in. Get what I'm saying?

[jma500]

I used to have the same bleak uber negative outlook as you do now. which meant that all those women whom came to me I lost because I couldn't imagine I could be loved by them or that a woman could ever. merely friendship only was all that was possible. So like you I have never enjoyed a real kiss, had a girlfriend, or had sex. I may never. don't make the same mistakes I have.

[Necris]

Why live in denial of what you want, Necris? If you don't want to be lonely, you don't have to be. I'm not trying to make light of your experiences but maybe women have liked you and you haven't noticed. I have liked guys in the past but have gone off them if I realised they are insecure. Another thing is that you shouldn't judge your level of attractiveness on the number of women who approach you since women don't generally do the approaching. There are other reasons women don't approach which are unrelated to attractiveness. You might be coming across as standoff-ish or not open and friendly without realising it. Project openness and more people will want to know you.

 

As for feeling good about being lonely...why do you want to feel good about a state of affairs you aren't happy with? Why not say "I'm not happy with what's happening so I'm going to do something about it"? It's better to think that than to force yourself into a situation you don't want to be in. Get what I'm saying?

 

I don't care about how many women approach me, most guys don't get approached, I was just pointing out I have known guys who never approach as they don't have to, women just come to them, this is however very rare.

 

As for me not noticing women who maybe secretly interested in me perhaps this is the case, but if they displayed any real signs of interest I probably would have noticed by now, since I do seem to have the unfortunate habit of magnifying what I perceive as interest far more than what it is, if a woman is just simply being friendly I think she's interested. Unfortunately that's never the case. So if there are women who are interested in me they are pretty good at showing absolutely 0 interest.

 

For my situation it just seems no matter what I do I don't get anywhere with women, the best I can do is just be friends (not that FWB nonsense) with women it seems, so instead of feeling sad about wanting what I can't have I should feel glad I just need to find a way to stop thinking about it.

 

EDIT: Anyway any advice on the feeling good about being alone thing?

Edited February 28, 2013 by Necris

[Shardish]

Where has this myth come from that only universally attractive men have women falling at their feet? There are two women presently who are interested in me and who actively go out of their way to invite me to pursue them and I am average looking. I'm short, as hairy as an Ewok, don't have a symmeterical face, have thick eyebrows, have a odd-shaped nose and I walk like a Penguin. Now if someone like me can have a relationship, can kiss a woman and can go on dates, then there is no reason why you cannot do so. Your problems are all in your head, I should know because all my problems in life have been in my head also.

 

How to handle being alone? Well the way I see life is that no matter who we are, we're never really alone are we? Being alone is being on a remote Island with no human contact, think of Tom Hanks in the film Castaway. I used to be upset about being single, I saw all my friends with girls and I was always the spare part and it upset me and the few interactions I had with women never materialised, except for one instance and that ended rather abruptly, it was over before it even began. I was bitter, resentful of the happiness of others and I became very miserable, but then I realised that if I cannot be happy on my own, if I cannot enjoy life on my own, then how will I learn to appreciate being in a relationship? I also asked the question 'isn't it unfair to place all of your happiness on someone else's shoulders?' I also developed interests and hobbies which helped greatly and I have learnt to take each day as it comes.

 

What prehaps gave me the most solace was reading about Isaac Newton. He is believed to have confessed to being a Virgin before he died and yet despite this look at what he achieved. He's one of the most influential men in Science and he ended up with a Knighthood. I am sure Newton would have loved to have had sex and a relationship/marriage with a woman, but I doubt Newton laid on deathbed full of regret to have never experienced these things. I am certain that he would have looked back on his life knowing that he contributed a legacy greater than children and a family tree.

 

Life is short, you can choose to cry over what you do not possess or you can be thankful for what you have and make the most of life. I may well never have another relationship, I may well never experience the love of a good woman or experience sexual intercourse and heatbreak, but I'll be damned if I let that spoil my enjoyment of life and all of the other experiences the world offers those who seek them.

[Shardish]

I used to have the same bleak uber negative outlook as you do now. which meant that all those women whom came to me I lost because I couldn't imagine I could be loved by them or that a woman could ever. merely friendship only was all that was possible. So like you I have never enjoyed a real kiss, had a girlfriend, or had sex. I may never. don't make the same mistakes I have.

 

I had that attitude, but fortunately I have gotten over it. I spent the ages of 16-22 feeling that way, it's only in the last year or so I have overcome that and I feel a hundred times better for not feeling that way anymore. I used to scorn the saying "how can you expect anyone to love you if you don't even love yourself", but there seems to be some truth in that statement.

[runningfar]

What are your hobbies? Do you get out with people and endorphins and such often?

 

I am sorry things have been this way for you.

[Shardish]

 

I am sorry things have been this way for you.

 

Pity isn't going to help the fella is it?

[jma500]

I had that attitude, but fortunately I have gotten over it. I yspent the ages of 16-22 feeling that way, it's only in the last year or so I have overcome that and I feel a hundred times better for not feeling that way anymore. I used to scorn the saying "how can you expect anyone to love you if you don't even love yourself", but there seems to be some truth in that statement.

 

I was 26 when I started thinking this way and kept it for too long. it caused me to lose those good women I mentiod. it took ten years but my thinking is totally different now. I am happy, have hobbies, etc. maybe I will find a girlfriend or maybe not. but it is my own fault and either way I have no one to blame but myself.

[Necris]

Where has this myth come from that only universally attractive men have women falling at their feet? There are two women presently who are interested in me and who actively go out of their way to invite me to pursue them and I am average looking. I'm short, as hairy as an Ewok, don't have a symmeterical face, have thick eyebrows, have a odd-shaped nose and I walk like a Penguin. Now if someone like me can have a relationship, can kiss a woman and can go on dates, then there is no reason why you cannot do so. Your problems are all in your head, I should know because all my problems in life have been in my head also.

Myth? You may have thought of yourself as unattractive but if women are approaching you, you are certainly attractive to them. I've known guys who never approach women and just let women come to them, but this is rare. Women never approach me.

 

This also doesn't bother me at all, as I realize women rarely approach men anyway, its up to the man to approach, only a few rare guys somehow have women falling into their lap. Regular guys actually have to approach but at least they can form relationships with women. The part I care about is the fact I do actually approach women on a regular basis but no matter what I do women seem to be completely unattracted to me.

 

 

I also asked the question 'isn't it unfair to place all of your happiness on someone else's shoulders?' I also developed interests and hobbies which helped greatly and I have learnt to take each day as it comes.

 

Its not that I'm unhappy and depressed with my life, I'm fairly satisfied, I have a few friends, things seem to be going relatively well, but I have this feeling like there is a void in my life at times. I have a few hobbies that keep me satisfied though they aren't exactly good for meeting people as my hobbies include playing videogames, modding videogames, working on the book I want to write, stuff like that. I just need to learn to stop caring about women, sex, relationships, etc. and just be free from that.

 

What prehaps gave me the most solace was reading about Isaac Newton. He is believed to have confessed to being a Virgin before he died and yet despite this look at what he achieved. He's one of the most influential men in Science and he ended up with a Knighthood. I am sure Newton would have loved to have had sex and a relationship/marriage with a woman, but I doubt Newton laid on deathbed full of regret to have never experienced these things. I am certain that he would have looked back on his life knowing that he contributed a legacy greater than children and a family tree.

 

Newton actually took an oath of celibacy as Fellows at Trinity took an oath of celibacy, and it was frowned upon even for a Master to marry. Newton took this oath seriously and even after leaving Trinity, there is nothing written about him, or by him, linking him with any women.

[Wesker]

I already know my dating situation is extremely bleak, but what I was wondering is if anyone has any advice on just feeling good about loneliness instead of feeling bad.

 

 

Simple. Xbox, Grand Theft Auto, and Crown & Coke. At least some of the loneliness will go away.

[AD1980]

I love my freedom and the ability to do what i want when i want.. plus hanging out with a few friends who are always there for me i never feel all that lonely

 

My ego is bruised more then anything from not beign able to attract women..i dont get lonely that often or jealous of other couples its more disappointment in not being able to attract women at all..

 

Lastly i feel smothered and claustrophobic when im around somebody for too long a time.. im the type of person who needs his space so im not sure how great id handle a relationship and constantly being with somebody 24 hours a day

 

Id be lying if i told you i dont want to try but no sucess as of yet..

Edited March 1, 2013 by AD1980

[Sun Devil]

Necris, you will not be able to stop caring about women unless you castrate yourself. You are driven to find someone, it is a need. I keep telling people that there is no substitute for love

[Shardish]

Myth? You may have thought of yourself as unattractive but if women are approaching you, you are certainly attractive to them. I've known guys who never approach women and just let women come to them, but this is rare. Women never approach me.

 

I see myself as being attractive, I tend to focus on my few positives rather than my many negatives. Yes I am attractive to them, and I am sure there are women out there who find your attractive. You just have to find out who they are and then ask them out. Women never approach me, women give me hints that they like me and then wait for me to take the initiative. This is what most women will do unless you meet a woman who has no hang ups about asking a man out.

 

This also doesn't bother me at all, as I realize women rarely approach men anyway, its up to the man to approach, only a few rare guys somehow have women falling into their lap. Regular guys actually have to approach but at least they can form relationships with women. The part I care about is the fact I do actually approach women on a regular basis but no matter what I do women seem to be completely unattracted to me.

 

So you do approach? I have been turned down more times than I care to remember, it's just one of those things. Some men have it easy, some men like us two have it a lot more difficult. Do you not go on dates, Necris?

 

 

 

Its not that I'm unhappy and depressed with my life, I'm fairly satisfied, I have a few friends, things seem to be going relatively well, but I have this feeling like there is a void in my life at times. I have a few hobbies that keep me satisfied though they aren't exactly good for meeting people as my hobbies include playing videogames, modding videogames, working on the book I want to write, stuff like that. I just need to learn to stop caring about women, sex, relationships, etc. and just be free from that.

 

A void in your life? Is that a relationship by any chance this void? Voids are not good and I guess over time you can be free from the pressures of finding a good woman, entering a relationship etc. This pressure weighed heavy on my shoulders for a long-time, but eventually I stopped caring about it as much as I used to and I am a lot happier for it. Though like you I would like to experience such things, preferably before I turn 30.

[bruinbasher]

What's that phrase commonly thrown out here? If you can't be happy by yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship? That's step one mother f*****!!!

 

Let's see... I'm 25, never had a GF or kissed a girl for that matter, I have plenty of female friends who do not introduce me to their other female acquaintances. Sorta sounds like the OP huh? Damn! I must have a bleak future! Not only that, I'm 5'4 and asian! OMG!! That must be a death knell if I ever heard one, I might as well castrate myself and commit my life to being a monk!

 

Of course not, I know what I have to offer women regardless of my inexperience in the dating world. Since I'm not particularly good at meeting new people or doing cold approaches, I've signed up for OLD. I'm guessing all the guys that have signed up for it with no success have made claims like, "If you're short it'll never work for you" and "if you're not good looking it'll never work for you". Did that stop me from sending tailored messages to all the attractive women that were "out of my league"? Nope. Oh what, a good amount of my messages got at least a reply - 20%? This has led to several dates with about 3 different women (I've only sent about 50 messages over a span of several months when I thought they were up to MY standards), I'm now seeing a girl I met through OLD for almost a month and a half now and we've been going out weekly - we would probably go out more but she's an auditor in middle of her busy season (works 70+ hours a week). How is this possible!?! I must be an anomaly! (well, I probably am).

 

Anyways, I have pretty high standards, another reason why I've been single all my life, but you know what? I'm perfectly happy being by myself. Now I'm dating an attractive lady who doesn't expect me to pay for all the dates. You would think for a guy who never has had a G/F to blow it by being needy and what not, I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check and being socially aware/having good social skills.

 

All you "guys" that bitch and moan about dating need to improve yourselves . Otherwise nothing is ever going to change, ranting on a forum and ignoring people's advice is not going to help you. My suggestion, read a self-improvement book/PUA book because that stuff is solid gold for the inexperienced and discouraged.

Edited March 1, 2013 by bruinbasher