sugar-rae Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Or it could simply be that that the 'right' circumstances have not presented themselves to test the person who beleives he/she will never cheat. The fact is nobody knows how they will react until he/she is actually in the situation where the temptation is too great to simply say 'I will not cheat'. Cheating does not simply involve sex with another person who is not your spouse. Cheating can also be sharing your deepests thoughts and feelings with a member of the opposite sex instead of with your spouse while keeping it a secret as well. I know this thread is about a yr old, but I have to say, Oh contrare, Mon ami! I have been tempted GOOD. Before and after my H cheated. After he cheated about 2 days after I found out, a gorgeous hunk of a guy tried to get me to talk with him by saying a line that would get most women. He looked at me and said, "would you do me a favor?" and I said, "what?" and he said, "smile". Let me tell you, I could have struck up a conversation with that man and ended it in his bed. I didn't. He was a cutey, too! Kinda looked like Adam Sandler, in a sexy way! The point is, I resisted and thought, I can't make the wrong my H did me right by cheating on him. So, I just gave the guy a big smile and went on my way. I did tell my H about the episode, to which, the next time we were out TOGETHER he spent his whole time looking for "Adam Sandler". Bully for him!
guest Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 I dont belive that theory on CHEATING totally. Sometimes You overlook your negative marks in your character and when someone points out those faults, you dont like it. You start thinking how BAD SHE/HE is and look for different thing like eating in "Restaurant" one day.
Toni_no12002 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 sometimes i get the feeling maybe humans arent actually capable of being with just one person.maybe its the way were made up or something.
sugar-rae Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 sometimes i get the feeling maybe humans arent actually capable of being with just one person.maybe its the way were made up or something. Blarney! I know many a couple who never had to deal with adultery in their relationship.
Toni_no12002 Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Still people are still curious and sometimes want to.
Author jmargel Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 I was just asking because he seemed to know what he was talking about.Thats all. I just happened to clance over my post I made a long time ago and you had a question on whether porn is cheating? Everybody has their own take on that. However the most important thing here is that if it makes your partner that uncomfortable that you watch it, then by all means stop! It's not about a control issue it's more about sensitivity. You then have to determine which is more important, watching the porn or your partner's feelings. Personally I watch it, alot of the times I watch it with my wife. Do I think of these women while I have sex with my wife? Hell no. Would I leave my wife if one of these porn chicks came upto me? Never. It's a form of entertainment, just like anything else. The rule I go by is, you can look but don't touch. The porn issue I believe alot of it comes up to how we were raised. Therefore again if my wife was really sensitive to looking at that stuff then out of respect for her I wouldn't. Porn can also be an issue when it takes over a relationship. When the couple doesn't have as much sex because the guy is off in wankerville every night then that will have a determental effect. The woman will feel like she's not good enough, not beautiful enough, etc.. which will create distance in the relationship. Just like anything else out there, too much of something is often a bad thing. IMO porn isn't cheating however when it is abused you can cheat yourselves. If both people don't have a problem with watching porn, done in the right manner it can entice a relationship. However like I said before it all comes down to sensitivity & respect for each other, just like everything else that you deal with in your relationship, everyday.
No Stress Lady Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Honestly, I think that trying to understand why people cheat is just too difficult. There are just too many scenarios and monogamy is not a natural instinct for us humans. I think a man could be perfectly happy in his marriage and go out and have mindless sex with someone else. I think that's less true for a woman. I think when a woman has an affair it's a real sign there is trouble in the marriage. Usually, that's the situation where her partner is not meeting his end of the bargain in fulfilling her needs. But I'll probably get blasted for saying this, and keep this in mind, I have been the BS in my relationship, but I really think it's not as complicated for men. Some (not all!) can just go and have sex with someone, no feelings attached, and then go back home to their wife and children - who they honestly feel they love more than anyone in the world - and be perfectly content in their lives (until the wife finds out!). I am really against cheating. To me it's all about self control. Would I like to go out and meet someone that makes me feel 21 again and have mindless sex for hours at a time...sure - there are days I really would! But I never could do that. I love my home, I love my kids and I love my husband, foibles and all. I not only don't want to break my vows with my husband I don't want to break my vows with my family and mostly with myself. My husband has said over and over again, one of the hardest things that he has to deal with in his cheating is how he let himself down. I'm glad I don't have to feel that way. I agree - we are not naturally monogamous and men even less so. Good post
Presario Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 However the most important thing here is that if it makes your partner that uncomfortable that you watch it [porn], then by all means stop! It's not about a control issue it's more about sensitivity. You then have to determine which is more important, watching the porn or your partner's feelings. I sometimes watch porn too. I download some flick from the Internet, usually the one-on-one "homemade" kind, because it's real, no actresses faking orgasms. My wife is uncomfortable about this, but she understands and accepts it. I do it for two reasons. First, instead of nagging her for sex (she wants it much less than I do) and cause arguments, I just prefer to watch a porn and masturbate. Second, she chats with her guy-friends online - I feel uncomfortable about this, but I understand and accept it. We had countless talks and fights over my porn and her chatting, so finally we decided to accept the situation as it is.
Toni_no12002 Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Theres abit of a difference to talking to people than watching other couples have sex.I thought the whole idea of porn was that it was fantasy and that it wasnt real also that youd never meet these people.If your watching real people do it doesnt that change things?
Author jmargel Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 Toni, First off it doesn't matter if it's home-made or made by a production company (IMO). In either case they are all people. I always go by the rule you can look but not touch. I mean honestly if you seen one, ya seen them all. Your spouse isn't a child and should be trusted enough that porn in itself wouldn't be an outlet for cheating. Presario, I think you may have issues in your marriage that are just beyond the porn. You are both doing things to each other that are making each other uncomfortable because one refuses to 'give in first'. That is a dangerous road you two are on (again IMO). How about finding out why your wife's sex drive has decreased so much? That's the issue there. Once you fix that then you won't have a need for pornography and she wouldn't feel so distant towards you that she has to go online to chat with other men. Otherwise in the end you'll be left to your porno tapes while she has emotionally attached and perhaps physically attached herself to another guy. Right now you might think that's impossible but unless something changes that's the only outcome I see in your situation. Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling?
Presario Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Jmargel, Thank you for your post. While your advice may apply to some couples, I don't think it does to us. I understand the motivation behind your post: the guy is a porn maniac, she loves other guys. It's not so. I think you may have issues in your marriage that are just beyond the porn. We ain't perfect. We argue, sometimes over unimportant things. But overall we are very happy together. We have been together five years and we still kiss happily, talk and do stuff together. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood, sometimes she is. You are both doing things to each other that are making each other uncomfortable because one refuses to 'give in first'. That is a dangerous road you two are on (again IMO). I don't know of a couple who is perfect, always happy, and who do no quirky stuff. I love my wife as she is, and she loves me back. I do doubt a couple of things in our marriage. Occasionaly I wonder why she wants to chat with other guys, whether she will cheat on me one day with her e-friend, or why I cannot just get over my occasional porn. It makes me melancholic. But overall, even on a bad day, I know that my wife is the best thing that happened to me. Should I worry about some unhappy detail? No, screw it. How about finding out why your wife's sex drive has decreased so much? She used to want to get intimate once a week. Now it's once a month. We spoke why it's so, and there is no specific reason. She just wants it less. Libido changes. From what I know, young men want it more than young woman. In ten or twenty years she will ride me. Boy, I'm waiting for it! I will not ask my wife to have a "medical examination" or go to therapy just because she wants it less. Her lower libido drives me crazy, but I'm happy that this is the only problem we have. People have serious problems, and in comparison, ours is just a tiny nuisance. That's the issue there. Once you fix that then you won't have a need for pornography I guess so. If I had more sex, then think I wouldn't care about porn or masturbation. But I'm not sure about this. Even if her libido jumped up, would I be happy, would I not watch porn? Now I think I would be heaven-taken! But look at the posts of other guys here complaining that they have sex "ONLY three times a week!" Or that their wife doesn't want to give them blow jobs. My wife would crush my balls if I tried to push her into blow jobs or anal sex. (...)she wouldn't feel so distant towards you that she has to go online to chat with other men. Here you are mistaken. She doesn't feel distant. She doesn't want to talk with her guy-friends because she hates me. She is a friendly person, and enjoys conversations with others. I used to think that I didn't satisfy her socially, but now I know that she needs such contacts. Her friendships are not intimate. Otherwise in the end you'll be left to your porno tapes while she has emotionally attached and perhaps physically attached herself to another guy. Right now you might think that's impossible but unless something changes that's the only outcome I see in your situation. I'm not that fatalistic. Porn is boring, and I may give it up as my libido subsides with years or after we match sexually. Porn doesn't have to lead to cheating or divorce. Her e-friendships don't have to lead to cheating. Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling? I believe that marriage counseling for our problems is like treating a running nose with a nose transplant. We want to steer clear of that. At this moment we believe we can resolve our issues on our own. Thank you again for your post, Jmargel.
Spectre Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 What leads to cheating is simple. Selfishness, lack of love in the relationship. People would rather whine about something and screw someone over, than talk about it. They would rather go onto a message board, and post how their husband/wife ignoring them caused them to cheat, instead of going to their husband/wife and voicing concerns when they first began.
Author jmargel Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Presario, Every couple is different what may work for you might not work for others. However you did state in your last post that her talking to other men bother you. This is something you need to communicate with her. Perhaps just you laying off the porn for a month to see what her reaction is might get you a positive reaction from her. Don't even mention it to her. Let her discover it on her own. If she needs contact with other people why does it have to be males? Do most of her online friends happen to be male? All I am saying in my previous post is that cheating starts somewhere. No you can't protect your spouse from all the tempatations or threats out there however if you feel what your wife is doing, no matter what the reason behind it is, makes you uncomfortable then out of respect for you, she should stop. Same goes for her with you & the porn. I believe you two might be closer if you two at least negoiate on these two things. At least set ground rules regarding her and chatting with these men. Honestly when I use to chat alot of women would flirt and try to come-onto me. Most were married. Alot admitted not being happy in their marriage, etc.. however to me that's not excuse to chat the way they were. With some of them I could easily become attached if I let myself since they only show their good, sweet side. Alot of the times it seemed to be the 'husbands' fault on why they were online, which I knew wasn't true. You wife may have great intentions however she could easily be sucked into another man by letting him try to pull on her heartstrings. You know how guys are like. They are online for a reason as well. Personally I believe you both need to draw the line somewhere. However it's not my marriage and it is your choice.
Presario Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 You wife may have great intentions however she could easily be sucked into another man by letting him try to pull on her heartstrings. You will not be sucked unless you allow it. If she does let it happen and she has an affair, then... well, I don't want to be with her anymore. We spoke about our issues many times and we seem to understand each other. I believe I can trust her. As to what leads to an affair, I can only guess: no character, dissatisfaction, no love, stupidity.
Author jmargel Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Ahh.. famous words. You won't be sucked in unless you allow it. Thing is you know as well as I do, you don't even realize how far you are into it until it's too late. How did you meet your wife? You first became her friend (stage 1), then you confided in her things you wouldn't tell others (stage 2). Initmacy then grew (stage 3)which then turned into love (Stage 4). What stage do you think your wife & some of these OM are at? I would guess Stage 2. It's usually very easy to hit stage 3 next since you are often so comfortable with that person it'll feel like it's happening naturally. Check out some of th OM/OW threads and see how they start. For your list of reasons why one might cheat, add communication which is a big one along with disrespecting. Personally IMO you two are disrespecting each other by continuing to do what bothers the other. In reality over the long haul what good is going to come out of what you two are doing? I only see alot of negatives. Again this is IMO. You came and posted on here and now seem to be defending what you & she are doing. I'm not here to attack your marriage but trying to show you the big picture.
Poconobob Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Long time, no post for me... Have I got a story to end all... I'm now divorced, my girlfriend died in June '05, and I about killed myself, hmmm what else, Cathy and I are best friends now...NOOOOOOO just kidding; actually though I live in Florida now, finally got out from under that house in Sugarloaf. My(our) son is with me, 18 years old now and going to college, and working for Fed X... I'm recovering from a bout of drug use which I'm not proud of. I wouldn't dare expound on it online but needless to say I cracked up so to speak. I used for months, March to November '05. For now, WOW I live each day, I work on my ordeal, the loss of two loves, SEVERE depression. I'm off Effexor, Xanax, and with each day I grow stronger mentally. I need to email you so if you would, email me or send me a PM... okay? OH, isn't it about the time you got married last year?? Or am I wrong? Hope the marriage is still wonderful! Bob
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Bob, you're on tough guy. I've kept an eye on your other thread. Anyway, I'm sorry for your losses and for all that you've been through. Seems like quite a long awful journey you've been on. I wish you the best, stay strong Bob and good luck in life!
Poconobob Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 We all know about life lessons, but what is one lesson without sharing it with others so they OR at least if I am able to help ONE PERSON, then it will be all worth it in the long run. What I learned is a good bit of my own bad luck was only further "enhanced" by my own self worthlessness and not looking to my own sole to fix my problem. I wanted someone to fix it for me...fore if it is to be, it is up to me should have been my motto...LIFE LESSON #1 to come away with is when you have a problem, especially with a relationship, look on your own 1 foot X 1 foot square, then stand on your own two feet and make yourself happier, inspect what you "expect" and don't remain a stagnant part of the relationship. Be part of the solution which I can say I was NOT... In retrospect, I should have listened more to my sole and not to my mind... ) bob
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Have you thought about writing a book or something? Or even making your own website? Think about it...SO many people suffer from various ailments in life, go through things that affect them in so many ways! Having a place where you can go open up and share, learn from others and get help is great. Like LS! No should have's!! Things happened the way they were supposed to happen, and if they hadn't who knows what your life would've been like now?
Author jmargel Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Hi Bob, Glad to hear things are starting to fall into place for you! You've been through alot and by not quitting you have grown much stronger for it. I've been married about 1 1/2 years now. First year was rough but things seem to be smoothing out now. Better than they were before. You deserve to have a great life and just focus on making yourself & your son happy. Even though Cathy hasn't been a friend to you in quite awhile, be a friend to her. (Moderator removed personal email adress. Please use the PM option)
Poconobob Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Hi Bob, Glad to hear things are starting to fall into place for you! You've been through alot and by not quitting you have grown much stronger for it. I've been married about 1 1/2 years now. First year was rough but things seem to be smoothing out now. Better than they were before. You deserve to have a great life and just focus on making yourself & your son happy. Even though Cathy hasn't been a friend to you in quite awhile, be a friend to her. (Moderator removed personal email adress. Please use the PM option) Note, Moderator removed personal email address... Hmm, you don't have one listed, PM it to me Jeff. I am trying to be a friend...I swear on my life I am trying very hard to allow myself a bit more situational ethics than I once did. Long road ahead, but at least there don't seem to be as many pot holes here in florida... OH, you'll find the first year of marriage, that you are getting more used to her and she you. What seemed odd is that you guys were together before marriage, what changed? I remember lots from even you guys going to counseling yet it sounds familiar to me to see myself in the same position years ago yet here i am today, happier than a LOOOOOOONG TIME before. take care, hope that made sense, I'm in a hurry... bob
silktricks Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Evolutionarily speaking there is a large difference between the male and female of our species. The male has an evolutionary drive to impregnate as many females as possible - and thereby spread his genetic make-up. The female has an evolutionary drive to (1) protect her young (preserving her genetic make-up) and (2) to attract and keep the strongest most powerful male of the tribe – which will also help protect her genetic make-up as he will better be able to provide food and protection. Civilization has laid a veneer over those drives, but that's all it is - a veneer. Men and women both constantly are in a struggle with our brains and our evolutionary drives. So, what leads to cheating? A disconnect between our civilized selves and our primitive selves. Everything else is just veneer. Of course, that's just my opinion.
Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I don't think there can be "one" theory on why people cheat. As our therapist says, there is not one "key," there are a whole bunch of little keys.
Poconobob Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 There are species ... well what comes to mind birds, certain birds mate for life in which case their evolutionary channels aren't so much evolutionary as much as the product of their environment and nature has always had a weeding out of the less strong; evidently "some" species fostered better gene pools by mating for life. LOLOL, here I'll laugh at myself for this one but obviously with today's society, it seems like we need some better gene pools in our society. JUST my humble opinion. Now what causes infidelity? I find it seems more psychological "need" for something which is our "will" or will power or the lack thereof. In other words, if I may edify our infidelity can be far from genetic because we have a uniqueness in so far as we can deduce right from wrong.. So which is correct? NEITHER.. there is no answer. It will battle on just like whether it was evolution aka darwin or god...which I'm not even touching that subject, lol. Anyway, so can we call it a lack of situational ethics, immoral values from society as a whole?? All makes ya think...or at least it does me. And until such time as we can go back and do it all over again we all have to live with our mistakes! bob
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