Has this happened to you?

[spiritofjosh]

Obviously break ups happened to everybody but that isn't the point. A little back story, I'll try to be brief.

 

Me and my ex girlfriend dated for over a year, maybe 14 months and she broke up with me about a month ago. She said she was tired of being in a disappointing relationship where she didn't feel like she was anything important, didn't feel special and that I didn't care for her much. She still says there is no other guy and she doesn't plan on dating for quite some time unless by chance she meets somebody she feels that way about. Fair enough.

 

Now to justify her; before I dated her I wasn't in a relationship for close to 3 years and before that I dated a girl for 5. That relationship was always sketchy, untrustworthy etc. When I started dating the current ex I felt like I forgot how to be a boyfriend. That I was afraid of being too overwhelming, or too "in your face" and that I'd push her away. So I was cold and distant, thinking I wasn't doing wrong but I was severely understating myself. I feel like she was not wrong for breaking up with me, especially when there is nobody else she's after.

 

Now, I obviously want her back. She never told me to move on she just said she needed time and felt better not being in a relationship with me being so neglecting. I tried NC but she would text me every couple days for various reasons but I would not make her pity me or sound desperate etc.

 

Tonight we talked and at first it was arguing basically her saying I was childish and she's never going to date for a long time and stuff but it calmed down and became more civil. I tried to be playful and nice but broke when she said something and told her how I always felt about her and how I'm thankful I got to be with somebody who I trusted and respected. I told her why I never treated her how I really felt and that I think of her higher than any girl I've ever met with high respect, blah blah. She said that was the first time she's felt that important to me.

 

One of her issues is how my group of friends are all so judgmental and negative and that it rubs off on me and that it finally rubbed off on her, making her an unhappy person. I explained I feel the same and I'm trying to focus on the opposite and get away from that energy and influence because I am. Finally she said "maybe when you become more positive and happier and feel you can be what you need to be in a relationship, I'll be there with you."

 

Reason why I post is because the girlfriend I dated for 5 years had said this to me before, twice. We broke up 3 times for about 2 months each then finally ending it for good but almost each time she said when I work myself out she'll be back, like she was waiting. Both times she got involved with another guy shortly after. I understand my current and then ex are both very different people but is this typical or common? Should I take it as a soft let down or really trust her? She is a "tell it like it is" type of girl but I guess other opinions would help.

[destroyed4sho]

You should be very proud of opening up and being honest with your ex. Shows you are mature and in touch with your emotions.

 

Finally she said "maybe when you become more positive and happier and feel you can be what you need to be in a relationship, I'll be there with you.

 

Sounds like she would give you another chance if you show some change...even though I hesitate to give you a total green light on this because of the way she said it..."I'll be there with you" is a bit different than "I will be WITH you"....

 

Dumpers say things they don't mean when they get put on the spotlight because they feel guilt over the breakup or they are just not comfortable with hurting someone else's feelings.

 

You can give it another chance....I would say look up Alexfromboston's method on getting your ex back...sounds like you may have a chance in this situation.

[spiritofjosh]

You should be very proud of opening up and being honest with your ex. Shows you are mature and in touch with your emotions.

 

Finally she said "maybe when you become more positive and happier and feel you can be what you need to be in a relationship, I'll be there with you.

 

Sounds like she would give you another chance if you show some change...even though I hesitate to give you a total green light on this because of the way she said it..."I'll be there with you" is a bit different than "I will be WITH you"....

 

Dumpers say things they don't mean when they get put on the spotlight because they feel guilt over the breakup or they are just not comfortable with hurting someone else's feelings.

 

You can give it another chance....I would say look up Alexfromboston's method on getting your ex back...sounds like you may have a chance in this situation.

 

The direct quote from her I couldn't quite remember actually. I really can't remember if she said be there with me, or be together with me, I dunno. But when normally I would just hound her and keep saying please, I just spoke my mind very casually, not in the form to try and "talk her back to me."

 

When I mentioned my ex before her saying similar, the difference is my prior ex (the 5 year one) had hardly any valid reasons why she broke up with me. This current ex gave me her side and all I could feel was guilt, there were no questions I needed answered. To me she did the right thing, but I want to improve myself and finally make her happy like I should have done sooner. Thanks again.

[Thunderchild]

"She said she was tired of being in a disappointing relationship where she didn't feel like she was anything important, didn't feel special and that I didn't care for her much. She still says there is no other guy and she doesn't plan on dating for quite some time unless by chance she meets somebody she feels that way about. Fair enough."

 

".....unless by chance she meets somebody she feels that way about....." Trust me, she's already out there with someone else. I suspect that she may even have been cheating on you with someone else,

 

"Disppointing relationship?", "didn't feel special?", "Didn't feel like she was important?" - you might want to avoid this one until her expectations become a bit more realistic. If she wasn't happy with you she would have had the dececy to sit down with you and say something about it.

 

You may well have dodged a very large Entitlement Princess shaped bullet there!!

 

I suspect that really your heart is with your 5 year ex. You haven't gotten over her. Advice: get out there and date, but stay in touch with 5 year ex. Be friendly, but show her how you have changed for the better. If she's interested, she'll let you know. If she isn't, you might find someone even better suited to you.

[spiritofjosh]

"She said she was tired of being in a disappointing relationship where she didn't feel like she was anything important, didn't feel special and that I didn't care for her much. She still says there is no other guy and she doesn't plan on dating for quite some time unless by chance she meets somebody she feels that way about. Fair enough."

 

".....unless by chance she meets somebody she feels that way about....." Trust me, she's already out there with someone else. I suspect that she may even have been cheating on you with someone else,

 

"Disppointing relationship?", "didn't feel special?", "Didn't feel like she was important?" - you might want to avoid this one until her expectations become a bit more realistic. If she wasn't happy with you she would have had the dececy to sit down with you and say something about it.

 

You may well have dodged a very large Entitlement Princess shaped bullet there!!

 

I suspect that really your heart is with your 5 year ex. You haven't gotten over her. Advice: get out there and date, but stay in touch with 5 year ex. Be friendly, but show her how you have changed for the better. If she's interested, she'll let you know. If she isn't, you might find someone even better suited to you.

 

 

Trust me, if she were with somebody else, I would have found out. Her friend's are my friends and she works two jobs, 7 days a week. When she isn't at work she's with our mutual friends but only hangs out with the female ones. This is one reason why I trust her. If anything she should assume I'm with somebody because I have much more free time and much more room to "experiment." And although nothing is impossible, I have not one single reason to think she ever cheated on me.

 

Also, I didn't want to run my post into an auto biography. There are much much more details to her side than I had listed, I barely scratched the surface. Her disappoints etc go way further than what I briefly described. So much that it made me feel like I turned into another person. She has spoken to me about this in person and I would change for a little but do something else to set her right back to where she was before, finally enough was enough. Just because women don't have a guy waiting for her to end the prior relationship, doesn't mean they're going to stay with that prior relationship.

 

And her comment about meeting somebody she wants to be with, she was speaking in long term, way further down the road. Which she said before I told her everything, my side and why I acted the way I did with every problem she had brought up.

 

And finally, my ex of 5 years. For the first couple months I dated my current ex (perhaps one cause in my behavior) I constantly wondered how she was, what she was doing, if she was taking care of herself. I even wondered if she was still alive because I haven't so much heard her name. But I also remembered how the way she broke up with me was she texted me, not called or said in person, texted me that she was getting her stuff and it was over. She got her stuff from my house while I was out. She's done so much that the only emotionally attachment I had was how long we spent together. I never got closure so that's why I always wondered what happened to her. Finally I found out that a mutual friend of mine (and my ex) got a job in a hair salon with her and that's where she's been. Once I found out she was alive and somewhat well, it was over. I haven't thought anything of her since and it surprises even myself. But I've moved on.

 

I apologize if this is long winded and apologize further if I sound like I'm saying my ex is right and you are wrong. It's just hard to get a full understanding when the situation hasn't been fully explained with every detail but instead by very few generic hints. My current ex has never lied to me unless she is the worlds greatest liar, if it were good or bad she told me. She has never done anything to make me think twice or think she isn't as trustworthy as I believe. She's openly friendly but not in a flirty way at all. And her past proves this, she's been with very few men and the ones she had been with she dated at the time, including me. So unless she completely changed, she isn't somebody I'd suspect to cheat or break up with me for another guy. I just wish I knew if I should give her no contact or low contact now .

Edited February 28, 2013 by spiritofjosh

[AlexfromBoston]

Josh, I can honestly say I was in the same boat as you...100%. I basically neglected my ex, blew her off to hang with friends, etc, etc. In fact, she actually said, "You never really valued me or this relationship at all" before she told me that she was done with our relationship. I was a nice guy and treated her well, I just couldn't effectively convey my emotions and treat her how she deserved to be treated. I basically got hung up on my "negative" friends and lived my life as if I was single. Despite breaking up, I knew deep down that she loved me and I knew that I could win her back with a careful approach. You basically are going to want to lay it on thick, promise change, and just generally beg for her back without sounding too pathetic. Just show her how much you care and push her to the point where she is starting to get annoyed or fed up by you. At this point you are going to have to apologize and let her know that although you don't agree with the break, you will respect her wishes and give her time. Ask her to seriously consider another chance with you and let her go...NC on your end for three weeks. If she contacts you, feel free to respond and take it from there but otherwise, DO NOT contact her. Now, after the three week mark you are going to send her an acceptance email...thanking her for all the good moments and memories. Make sure you highlight all of the positive moments you shared together..ie vacations, special moments, etc. You could also attached a few photos to your email as well. Let her know you agree with the breakup and that you are now a better man for it. Also, let her know that if she ever needed anything to reach out and contact you...you are always there for her. Bid her farewell and include your phone number in case she deleted you from her contacts. Give it some time man and she will contact you...either through email or phone. Basically you need to take it slow and don't jump to the phone when she calls or texts. After some light contact, ask her if she would like to get together for a drink to catch up. If she declines, play it cool. I personally asked my ex during the summer if she would like to go to a Red Sox game with me. I explained that I won some free tickets through a raffle at my work. Naturally, she accepted and I immediately jumped on ticket master and ordered up a pair of Red Sox tickets. You could always find another venue that would attract your ex and make it tough for her to decline. Maybe say you won a few tickets to a broadway show or something..idk, whatever you know she would like. Just be confident...thats it. And when you do meet her, show her affection and remain very positive. I bet you two will be back together in no time. Providing you never verbally or physically abused her....your faults can be fixed and she needs to know that.

[AlexfromBoston]

Oh and another thing Josh, despite what others have said, prolonged NC is not going to win your ex back. Like myself, you were essentially NC during your entire relationship...cold and distant. Now is the time where you have to go LC and get friendzoned in a sense. The three weeks of NC is just to allow her to calm down and miss you...it's not designed for you to move on or make her envious. I have done it multiple times and I know you can too. Again, providing you weren't that bad to her. Being cold and distant can be fixed through love and affection. Personally, a cold and distant guy stands a much better chance of getting his ex back than a needy, clingy guy. Good luck, but you won't need it.

[spiritofjosh]

Josh, I can honestly say I was in the same boat as you...100%. I basically neglected my ex, blew her off to hang with friends, etc, etc. In fact, she actually said, "You never really valued me or this relationship at all" before she told me that she was done with our relationship. I was a nice guy and treated her well, I just couldn't effectively convey my emotions and treat her how she deserved to be treated. I basically got hung up on my "negative" friends and lived my life as if I was single. Despite breaking up, I knew deep down that she loved me and I knew that I could win her back with a careful approach. You basically are going to want to lay it on thick, promise change, and just generally beg for her back without sounding too pathetic. Just show her how much you care and push her to the point where she is starting to get annoyed or fed up by you. At this point you are going to have to apologize and let her know that although you don't agree with the break, you will respect her wishes and give her time. Ask her to seriously consider another chance with you and let her go...NC on your end for three weeks. If she contacts you, feel free to respond and take it from there but otherwise, DO NOT contact her. Now, after the three week mark you are going to send her an acceptance email...thanking her for all the good moments and memories. Make sure you highlight all of the positive moments you shared together..ie vacations, special moments, etc. You could also attached a few photos to your email as well. Let her know you agree with the breakup and that you are now a better man for it. Also, let her know that if she ever needed anything to reach out and contact you...you are always there for her. Bid her farewell and include your phone number in case she deleted you from her contacts. Give it some time man and she will contact you...either through email or phone. Basically you need to take it slow and don't jump to the phone when she calls or texts. After some light contact, ask her if she would like to get together for a drink to catch up. If she declines, play it cool. I personally asked my ex during the summer if she would like to go to a Red Sox game with me. I explained that I won some free tickets through a raffle at my work. Naturally, she accepted and I immediately jumped on ticket master and ordered up a pair of Red Sox tickets. You could always find another venue that would attract your ex and make it tough for her to decline. Maybe say you won a few tickets to a broadway show or something..idk, whatever you know she would like. Just be confident...thats it. And when you do meet her, show her affection and remain very positive. I bet you two will be back together in no time. Providing you never verbally or physically abused her....your faults can be fixed and she needs to know that.

 

 

You are exactly like me. Although I had strong feelings for her I still acted like I was single! Thats what I meant where I couldn't believe thats who I became. And I've been doing what you said just not so spread out. Told her I agree with her needing space, I'll be there for her etc. She dropped the "why can't we be friend's bomb" a couple weeks ago and I said I couldn't. Said I couldn't deal with her being with somebody else and me being in the front row to watch it unfold. She claimed then, and still claims she's not looking to date but still it doesn't give me hope she'll wanna date me again. She has her reasons that I cannot blame her for. I'm deathly afraid that while I give her time, pop up to say hello once here and there that she'll be friendly back, but will be getting involved with another man at the same time. When I told her everything last night, why I acted the way I did, why I forgot how to be a good boyfriend she said "she finally feels important to me." I take it as a good thing but we haven't spoken today and I just don't know when I should. I take it that if she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't want to talk at all, and is over me.

 

Our relationship hasn't been filled with vacations or special moments, it was held up because we simply liked being with each other. We had little time to spend with each other and I wish I had another chance to DO those things. Take her away for a weekend, really MAKE her feel special. I explained this too her weeks ago and she just kept saying it's too late for that, that she gave me chances. But last night she was more understanding and more civil. I can only hope we can fix this, and that she isn't secretly searching for another person and keeping me on the back burner. Fortunately she doesn't seem that way but I once heard: "women are the worlds greatest actors." Thank you for the kind words and it's almost eerie how similar we are in this situation.

[AlexfromBoston]

Josh, we are very similar. And like yourself, I didn't share too many vacations with my ex...mainly because I'd rather vacation with my single buddies. You know what, I would personally remain friends with her and try to arrange a date with her. Let her know you would rather remain friends and are not ready for a relationship with anyone else. Just try and set up a fun day with her and act like the guy she first fell in love with.

[spiritofjosh]

I keep trying to remain positive through all of this but it's hard. Since I had that conversation last wednesday, where she somewhat seemed to care about what I was saying, she hasn't said anything since. I'm not going to contact her but last week she would text me once a day to tell me something, like one day she texted me a strange fact and that was it. The next she asked if she could meet to give me my birthday present she never got to give me (my bday was last week) but got jealous when I told her I had previous plans. The following day she texted me asking about a picture I posted on instagram. After that she hasn't said anything besides when we talked on wednesday and said she finally felt important to me. But going on three days since, nothing from her. I'm suspecting she may be "talking to somebody else" but aren't dating yet even though she said she isnt looking to date anytime soon because of us breaking up.

 

I just think it's weird she stopped with the random texts and said what she did, to not text me again after. Does she want me to chase her or does she really just not want anything to do with me? I'm so confused.

[spiritofjosh]

Need to bump this thread up

 

But since my last post she texted me last Saturday, asking why I unfollowed her on Instagram. It was actually an accident but I didn't follow her back because I didn't want her to think I was looking to get her intention that way.

 

Anyway after that she asked how I was, said I seemed to be in a good mood and she was saying she started going to the gym more, and that she wants to meet up so she can finally give me my birthday presents I still never got from her. It was a normal conversation really.

 

An hour later she texted me again and started asking me if I was talking to another girl, I'm not so I said no. She went off saying somebody told her I was and she believes them and to just tell her I am. Since I'm not I kept denying knowing anything of what she was saying. Finally she admitted she made it up to see if I would tell her, but regardless she said she didn't believe I'm not at least interested in another girl. I lost my cool and told her my facebook password and told her to go check my messages, to knock herself out to see how many numbers I got. She got upset and wouldn't do it but after insisting she did and saw nothing incriminating she stopped fighting with me. We had a long talk that I don't have anybody in mind because I still care for her but I told her with confidence, not pity. She ended up staying on my facebook writing ridiculous posts as if I were making them, just to be funny. (I don't make my facebook sacred, so I didn't care if she went on it or not, it does sound crazy but I wanted her to be convinced I'm telling her the truth.)

 

The next day, Sunday, she texted me again joking about me probably hanging out with other girls I've been talking to since me and her broke up, I joked back. Monday, nothing and Tuesday she was asking me about my band's upcoming "reunion show" and the date because she wanted to go, if it were alright by me she asked. That was about it conversation-wise.

 

But that night (last night) I texted her asking what exactly she wants from me because I just didn't get why she cared that much if I was moving on or not. She kept denying caring that much and was getting somewhat defensive, but she was also drinking with a few of her friends. I called her out and just asked if it was because she misses me and she just said "we'll talk about this later." I kept going, saying I think she misses me and is putting this front up to try and hide it because she doesn't want to swallow her pride and admit it. Again she kept saying she didn't want to talk about it, but finally said that she texts me because she does still care and still misses me but us dating again is a lot to think about. She calmed down and got nicer and even sent me a picture of both of us. I also said I'm tired of telling her how I feel via text and she said to stop texting her then and tell her.

 

I texted her a little after and said I hope she made it home ok and wasn't trying to drive but she never answered. I texted her this morning asked why she couldn't answer and she just said she was drunk but got home ok. I somewhat gave her an attitude and she wasn't mean back but instead just told me things to reassure me. A few hours later I texted her a iphone smiley and she said nothing, 5 hours later I sent her a mean smiley and she texted back a "nice smiley" but when I said I texted her 4 or 5 hours earlier and she didn't respond she said nothing again. I just have no idea what she wants or what she's doing. Because in one hand it seems like she still is interested in making us work out if I can show I really changed but in the other she doesn't. According to two separate friends that know her, she went to a party with her girlfriend last week and my two friend's were both there. They both told me, separately, that she wasn't being social and just kept to herself. And she keeps telling me she isn't trying to move on, so I really am just so confused.