SimonSerenade Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 So I took a while before posting here because I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I would get but I'm driving myself crazy insanely depressed at the moment so I really need to open this up and get some perspective on this. So I've been with my fiancé now for just over a year, things have been pretty good overall, she's a wonderful person and is the best partner I've ever had, something just feels like it clicks between us, something special I've never really felt before. Anyway my problem is that I can't get her ex boyfriends out of my head, since I first lay my eyes on her months before we got together, I had a perfect image of her in my head of being so pure and beautiful and I retained that imagine through much of our relationship so far but a few months ago I gave her a really nice android phone and she gave me her old blackberry phone, I thought everything had been deleted of it so I started setting it up for myself, a few weeks later I downloaded a pdf file off the web and needed to find it so I start rooting through some folders and I come across saved messages she must of forgotten to delete. These text messages were very flirty and without going into too much detail, looked to me like a plan for a dirty meet up, it broke my heart reading it and I kept it to myself for quite a while before I wound up bringing it up to her and I only did that because of the date's of the messages, they didn't have any time's or dates per text but just when the thread was started to when the thread ended and the thread ended about 6 weeks into our relationship which worried me, she claimed nothing happened and she would never cheat which I felt I had to accept and believe as she deserved the benefit of the doubt at least once. I don't feel worried about her cheating, I don't feel jealous that other people had her in those ways before me, I suppose I feel like seeing those messages shed a light on her that can't be turned off, generally people's sexual past never really bothered me because although I heard about it at some point in a relationship I never had the displeasure of reading it in full detail like that, I saw a website she was on shortly after that with old messages where she was acting pretty similar, it felt like I didn't know who I was with anymore. Since all of this I can't get the picture of her ex boyfriend's having sex with her out of my head and no matter what I tell myself it just won't go away and I don't just imagine the basic stuff, it's pretty vivid, balls slapping asses kind of vivid, it's starting to haunt me now and interfere with general everyday life and I feel at some point it's going to run my relationship down to the toilet I love her to pieces and I don't want to lose her over something like this, past is the past, I know that and I know that I'm lucky to have her now, I just don't understand why I feel this way or why my mind keeps thinking these horrible things, I want so much to talk to her about it in great depth but opening up to her is hard because she doesn't really do too well at the understanding and listening part sometimes, I'm guessing it's because she's never really been in a long term relationship or even a serious one which makes me feel special in a way but somewhat frustrated in another way because it means she doesn't know how to be genuine when it counts. Anyway I would love some help on this because at the moment I feel the only fair thing I could do would be to end this relationship, I don't want to burden her with this or make her feel sad in the long run and without sounding selfish, I don't want these thoughts in my head on a daily basis, there killing me and so far that would probably be the only thing that would end these nightmares all together.
juanes Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 what else is she hiding?, this might be a vital waring that your in danger some people pretend to be a certain way so that they can get your love and money (new phone) but once they got you fooled they turned out to be a nightmare that you can not get out of your life and you might not every be the same because of it. That file told your the truth that she was hiding and you thought she was pure and wholesome were as she is not that innocent. But you seem to be a little innocent. Guard your heart from the wolf..........that pretend to be sheep and leaves you damaged......so what do think am i an over bearing mother hen lol or an wise aunt
todreaminblue Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 i know you feel like you dont know her from the messages that you read......the fact is she was probably different back then to what she is now with you ...i believe in the capacity of people to change to grow to learn, you have to accept people can change......if you dont believe this fundamental truth you will never get over your gfs past.......if you love her, then taking a chance is what you need to do , i know its hard when you are the type to get mental images.......but there are therapists that could probably help you with strategies when you have these thought processes and break the chain that links them in to your current situation and relationship...i wish you the best and hope it all works out for you....good luck....deb
dichotomy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) Could you answer/clarify the details 1) She was carrying on a sexual conversation with old boyfriend several weeks into your relationship? You sure she was not cheating? What do you consider cheating in a relationship? 2) How many guys or ex's are you talking about? or what I am asking is this a numbers issue for you? 3) I assume you have had at least a few past loves or good sexual relationships were you felt passionately about woman at the time? 4) Has she directly mislead you into thinking she was something else ? or believed in things differently than she says ? 5) Is she still in contact with any old boyfriends? 6) Along number 5 Have you let her know what your boundaries are for your relationship, what you consider cheating/off limits and the things that you need? What you believe about love, sex and honesty, 7) Do you think this relationship might be headed towards something very serious - long term love, or the possibility of marriage? 8) Do you trust her? I mean really trust her - in your gut - and not in your head. Edited February 28, 2013 by dichotomy
Author SimonSerenade Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys, I brought up how I felt last night and it seemed to just make her really angry and stirred up a bit of a massive argument, she is very hard to get through to so I'm on my own on this one. She started sending messages to that guy roughly about a month before we got together so I suppose that's what concerns me the most about who she is, I mean... she can be the nicest person in the world then the most horrible inconsiderate person in the world so it's hard to put this personality beyond her... as much as I really want to. She's only had 2 ex's as far as I know which isn't many really, she had a bit of a girlfriend at one point too so I suppose that bothers me a little, I've had a few girlfriends, 2 of them I was with for many years and were very serious relationships, what bothers me about it is she changes her stories a lot and changes her feelings on the stories a lot so I don't really know what happened, I know the people she was with and there the kind of guys who mislead women and treat them like garbage and that hurts, what hurts more is if I have a bad word to say about them she'll always stick up for them and bare no hard feelings. She's a very down to earth and relaxed person but she's never been anything else when it really matters, it's hard to get anything meaningful and genuine out of her when it counts, an apology often doesn't count for anything because it feels like she only says it to shut me up and move on and it's insulting how that's expected, after I found those messages she was very horrible and dismissive about it and took her months after to ever really talk about it or try to understand how I felt about it, I suppose I feel this way and see these things because I don't feel any more special than the people she was with, she paints the picture that she wouldn't be bothered if I was here or not. I'm not sure if she's still in contact with any old boyfriends, I'm not in touch with any of my ex girlfriends so I hope she isn't, there was a guy she talked to a lot when we first got together aside from the guy from the messages, one minute she told me they nearly met up and got together then the next minute she told me it was never going to happen, they were meeting up as friends, she doesn't talk to him now thankfully but from what I could tell he was really into her, I would consider it cheating if those messages were still going on when she was with me but I don't think I'll ever know the truth, I've just got to believe her. I asked her to marry me before Christmas and got her a nice ring but she decided it didn't suit her and took it back to get her own ring lol man I'm not painting a nice picture of her am I, writing all this and getting it off my chest is actually making me feel a lot better, when it comes down to it I trust her in a lot of the right ways but there's always something niggling at me telling me not to, telling me she doesn't deserve that trust because she hasn't done a single thing to earn it or even cared whenever she'd broke it, after that argument last night, I'm trying to summon up the strength to leave her because it can't work if she isn't even willing to understand how I feel and get down to the bottom of it with me, the question is, how do I stay strong and stick with my decision, how do I live with myself if this hurts her?, I've never finished anybody so I don't know the process, I had the worst breakup I could possibly experience with the person I was with before her and I don't even know how I got through it but after it I told myself I would never let myself get treated badly again and I've got to be true to myself and follow through on that now, thanks guys.
dichotomy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Please take this as only my advice, especially after reading your last post. DON"T MARRY THIS WOMAN... It is not going to get better, and likely worse and more painful for you...you should not be having these kind of issues right off the bat before you marry - and its going to be 10X more painful to end it after marriage, 20X if you have kids. I won't judge this woman on her past -and you should not either - but things like "I am sorry" and "I understand your feelings" should come easy from someone who truly loves you. 2
Author SimonSerenade Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Thank you, I needed desperately to hear that, I've thought that for a long time now, things like that should be there in a relationship without any effort or thought going into it and it's just not there, I'm probably experiencing all of this because of that, I have absolutely no problem with her past and I don't judge her on that, I only judge her on how she handled everything else that happened and it wasn't good enough, I won't marry her, I'm not even going to be with her after this, no sense letting another year of my life go to waste like that, I value advice like this very highly and when it's good, I take it with a pinch of salt, thank you so much for reading all of that and telling me what I really needed to hear, staying with her would of been a huge mistake, things wouldn't of got better and things would of only worsened, better I know that now than later down the line
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