A1A Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Excuse any grammar errors... English is my second language... I just have to share what I feel.. For the first time in my life I experience constant emotional pain (that also effect me psychically) for more then 3 months after my heart was crashed. I start being worried that time doesn't heal me and I really want to be happy again, but first I need to get rid of this thought... I have to train my mind into the right direction. I read so much lately on how to improve my life; how to forgive; how to change my habits; how to overcome a breakup; how to let go of anger; how to be positive and so many more articles that will, in one way or another, make this horrible state of mind that I am in right now get better. Many things made me smile, gave me hope, and even a little strength to change... But unfortunately, every day I will go back to my down moments that are killing me from inside. I feel as if I have a little monster inside of me that eating my organs and will lead me to life destruction. My problem is not this little monster. My problem is my mind, which I let it think that there is a possibility for a monster to destroy my future. I know that mentally I am in a very LOW and dark place. If it is from the break up or from where I am in my life; financially, family, friends, job etc... My mind keep pulling me down to negative thoughts to believe that it have all happened in the past and it is happening in the present because of my WEAKNESS, instead of believing of what will be happening to me in my future because of my STRENGTH! If I could picture how I feel in general, I would say that after the breakup, I was left alone in a dark room and I just can't find the light switch to turn my 'life' back on. It doesn't really matter how I convince myself that things will be good, the reality is that I don't feel good; I feel bad... Not all day though, which that is where my strength kick in and give me hope. There are moments during the day where I feel that no matter what- I will make it! I have a goal. And this is why I keep reading, writing, watching, talking... This is why I keep looking! My goal is to believe in my strength all day, and when the little 'mind created monster' wakes up and try to control my fears; I will put her back to sleep until one day she will die forever. I still don't know how to do that. There is no one formula that can help me through that, but I am willing to put all my focus and effort to start this process. I don't want to find the 'light switch' any more... I want to find the door out to exit this room to the outside... where the darkness comes only at night! Most of the articles I read suggested to take small steps to recovery... And yes, I think it is healthy and more safe, but I have a problem (and here is my monster talking now) the small steps I'm taking forward are overtaken by the much much larger steps I'm taking backward. I will keep trying to take these small positive steps; it is definitely better than only having the backward negative large ones. However, soon I want to make a big change. I just have to!! It will be overwhelming - I know! But I am willing to take the risk. I am already overwhelmed every day by the amount of pain that my body can handle. I don't need to have a disease, major accident, or a loss to have a life changing experience... I already have a bad mind monster who lives inside of me that need to die... And that is a good enough reason to change my life (for the better). I wish I knew how... but at least I try and maybe this is why I am here writing... The bottom line is that it is not because he broke my heart... it is because I let 'it' broke my mind! Thanks for reading 1
131313 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 You are all wound up... I am the same way, your own thoughts can drive you crazy. You will get through this. It's a dark time right now but it will end. Work through the pain, don't avoid it. You are strong and that monster is going to die. 2
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