Men playing dumb in dating, not asking to be exclusive first.

[SJC2008]

I often wonder why many men and women don't ask questions or state thier dating goals early on in a courtship. Men are told to keep their mouths shut, ufck first and ask questions last for lack of a better term. Don't reveal any feelings or ask to be exclusive first becuase if you do all you'll see is a smoke trail.

 

I don't understand this? I don't want to have to "back door" my way into a relationship by playing dumb and waiting for her to bring up the exlcusive talk. IMO an emotionally healty woman who had the same goals wouldn't ghost if a man told her he was looking for a relationship. TBS why are us men told NOT to do this? Am I missing something here? Yes I understand coming on too strong but I don't buy into the be a challenge/mysterious BS dating games. Thoughts on this??

[dasein]

Well IMO the point is that men sometimes fantasize false attraction in a woman before she is really attracted or interested in more. You can see many threads on this board where guys wonder if she likes him because she flips her hair, is friendly, had one good date etc. I think men tend to build more castles in the air in this respect than women due to the necessity that average men must work harder for sexual/dating success, and so respond to slighter false indicators.

 

It should be natural, not really playing dumb, that people don't seek exclusivity until they have real indicators that the other person is on the same page, and with women, enthusiastic physical response is the best true indicator as opposed to all the noise many men confuse with female attraction. Also, how is it that people are developing real feelings for what amounts to strangers? I submit they aren't, and are just bootstrapping basic attraction into something it really isn't.

 

Also, the hinting around at exclusivity is often the first chance for a woman to show she will put into and contribute as opposed to sitting back and getting attention, calls, invitations, dates.

[PhoenixRysing]

It's all part of the games mentality. Meanwhile women are given the same advice and told to wait for the man to ask for exclusivity. Someone has to ask the other out first, ask for exclusivity first, and say I love you first - we are all given the advice that both are the other genders role with the argument that the other will run if we don't wait.

 

I think we have all been burned and blamed it on being one gender or another, or doing something too soon. Much more likely, in my opinion, is that we simply met someone who had less interest in us than we in them or had incompatible goals for relationships in general. I think it is better to find that out than wait around and hope so I am very much a believer in doing what feels right to you at your speed and going after what you want and need from your relationships - regardless of gender.

[Lonely Ronin]

At this point in my life, I strait up refuse to bring up the "what are we" question, or the "L" word. Literally every time I brought it up first, she would freak. Even my ex fiance freaked when I brought up "what are we", 3 months in and the "L" word around 6 or 7 months in.

[MrCastle]

Social construct. It is widely believed that women are in charge of the "what are we" talk.

 

I mean, ****, not to start a gender war but men are socially expected to do a lot of shlt.

 

Approach, ask for a date, plan the date, make the first move physically. Come on.

 

Women handle the relationship business. I've never seen a man bring up the "what are we" talk before a woman and have it turn out well for him.

[SJC2008]

I just don't get it. If I like a woman I'm going to ask her to be exclusive between 2-3 months. If she freaks then oh well, she didn't like me enough anyway and I'd want to know if she didn't like me enough to be exclusive then why the hell was she dating me for 2-3 months??

[dasein]

Most of my advice here is tailored to men who are champing at the bit to ask for exclusivity after three dates so we may be talking about different things here.

[Lonely Ronin]

I just don't get it. If I like a woman I'm going to ask her to be exclusive between 2-3 months. If she freaks then oh well, she didn't like me enough anyway and I'd want to know if she didn't like me enough to be exclusive then why the hell was she dating me for 2-3 months??

 

I don't think its a woman thing. I think it's the pressure the person being asked feels is being placed on them.

[SJC2008]

Most of my advice here is tailored to men who are champing at the bit to ask for exclusivity after three dates so we may be talking about different things here.

 

Yeah I'd never ask to be exlculsive that fast lol but your advice is still appreciated as always.

[SJC2008]

I don't think its a woman thing. I think it's the pressure the person being asked feels is being placed on them.

 

While I understand pressure it's not like being exclusive is marriage or a huge commitment so I don't really buy it. 2-3 months in is nothing and the 6 month mark is usually the make or break milestone for most relationships. If a man or woman won't give a person exclusive after 2-3 months they either don't want an R or want one with that person.

[Lonely Ronin]

While I understand pressure it's not like being exclusive is marriage or a huge commitment so I don't really buy it. 2-3 months in is nothing and the 6 month mark is usually the make or break milestone for most relationships. If a man or woman won't give a person exclusive after 2-3 months they either don't want an R or want one with that person.

 

I think in general, people are a lot more indecisive today than they were in the past. Everyone seems to think they have ages to figure everything out.

[Dark Phoenix]

So the title of this thread.... I wonder where you got it from?

 

Lets see here... I dont understand why this is a big issue... it's common sense

 

Ask any woman on this forum, they will admit if they like/love a guy that will either be direct about wanting to be "exclusive" or say it in some funny fashion and you just laugh and agree with it and go along.

 

Why can't people date just to have fun... when you bring up this topic to a girl... you will scare her away

 

Those guys that want to be exclusive are "pussies". This is why when the talk is brought up by guys, women run. On a subconscious level, it shows that you can't be alone and you want security and in essence you are settling. The only exclusivity talk a guy should do is popping the question with a ring, other then that just roll with it.

[SJC2008]

So the title of this thread.... I wonder where you got it from?

 

Lets see here... I dont understand why this is a big issue... it's common sense

 

Ask any woman on this forum, they will admit if they like/love a guy that will either be direct about wanting to be "exclusive" or say it in some funny fashion and you just laugh and agree with it and go along.

 

Why can't people date just to have fun... when you bring up this topic to a girl... you will scare her away

 

Those guys that want to be exclusive are "pussies". This is why when the talk is brought up by guys, women run. On a subconscious level, it shows that you can't be alone and you want security and in essence you are settling. The only exclusivity talk a guy should do is popping the question with a ring, other then that just roll with it.

 

I got the title of play dumb from another poster here, but the notion is a long standing dating "rule" as most of us know.

 

 

Yes dating should be fun and I'm a fun guy to date. But how do you know if the person you're dating wants the same thing? By asking them and telling them what you're looking for. Like I said you bring it up once and that's it, there's nothing desperate about that or knowing what you're looking for and asking someone what they're looking for.

 

Saying a man asking to be exclusive (given it's not super early, say less than 2 months) makes him look like a pussy is obsurd! If I'm dating a woman and want to be exclusive with her I'm going to ask her, I'm not going to trick her.

[ltjg45]

Those guys that want to be exclusive are "pussies". This is why when the talk is brought up by guys, women run. On a subconscious level, it shows that you can't be alone and you want security and in essence you are settling. The only exclusivity talk a guy should do is popping the question with a ring, other then that just roll with it.

 

And yet women complain that men doesn't show commitment to them after a few months?

 

How do you expect us to show commitment and being exclusive to them without being viewed as "pussies"? Isn't that what women want?

[Dark Phoenix]

I got the title of play dumb from another poster here, but the notion is a long standing dating "rule" as most of us know.

 

 

Yes dating should be fun and I'm a fun guy to date. But how do you know if the person you're dating wants the same thing? By asking them and telling them what you're looking for. Like I said you bring it up once and that's it, there's nothing desperate about that or knowing what you're looking for and asking someone what they're looking for.

 

Saying a man asking to be exclusive (given it's not super early, say less than 2 months) makes him look like a pussy is obsurd! If I'm dating a woman and want to be exclusive with her I'm going to ask her, I'm not going to trick her.

 

It's not a trick, its about being a man and leading with "ACTIONS" if she wants to be with you, she will follow you, if she doesnt she wont. It's that simple

 

And yet women complain that men doesn't show commitment to them after a few months?

 

How do you expect us to show commitment and being exclusive to them without being viewed as "pussies"? Isn't that what women want?

 

Stop listening to what women say... 95% of it is pure BS... especially on this forum... they have no idea what they want

[SJC2008]

It's not a trick, its about being a man and leading with "ACTIONS" if she wants to be with you, she will follow you, if she doesnt she wont. It's that simple

 

Leading is progressing the "courtship". Taking it from dating to being exclusive, from exclusive to marriage. If a woman likes a man she's not going to get scared if he asks her to be exclusive first.

[Dark Phoenix]

Leading is progressing the "courtship". Taking it from dating to being exclusive, from exclusive to marriage. If a woman likes a man she's not going to get scared if he asks her to be exclusive first.

 

No... I never have an exclusivity talk

 

I don't "NEED" a woman. If you want a woman to eventually leave you, become unattracted to you in the future, etc. Have an "exclusivity" talk with her. It shows a deep seeded insecurity that you "NEED" a woman not want one

 

If I am dating a woman and its 6 months, I assume if shes still dating me at 6 months that shes into me, by her actions alone. The only talk I will ever have is one to myself, "is this the right one for me, are there any red flags, what are they, can I accept them, if not its time to leave" I will keep doing this through out the relationship.

[SJC2008]

No... I never have an exclusivity talk

 

I don't "NEED" a woman. If you want a woman to eventually leave you, become unattracted to you in the future, etc. Have an "exclusivity" talk with her. It shows a deep seeded insecurity that you "NEED" a woman not want one

 

If I am dating a woman and its 6 months, I assume if shes still dating me at 6 months that shes into me, by her actions alone. The only talk I will ever have is one to myself, "is this the right one for me, are there any red flags, what are they, can I accept them, if not its time to leave" I will keep doing this through out the relationship.

 

Asking a woman to be exclusive does not show insecurity. It tells her you like her to date only her and see where things progress from there. Going by your analogy no women would ever say yes to marriage. If you're dating 6 months in and either of you haven't had an exclusive talk are you ok with her seeing/sleeping with other men? She'd be well within her rights to since yall aren't exclusive.

[dasein]

I don't "NEED" a woman. If you want a woman to eventually leave you, become unattracted to you in the future, etc. Have an "exclusivity" talk with her. It shows a deep seeded insecurity that you "NEED" a woman not want one

 

If I am dating a woman and its 6 months, I assume if shes still dating me at 6 months that shes into me, by her actions alone. The only talk I will ever have is one to myself, "is this the right one for me, are there any red flags, what are they, can I accept them, if not its time to leave" I will keep doing this through out the relationship.

 

All well and good, until you have them turn into a lawyer about rationalizing sleeping with some other dude, "Well we never agreed to be exclusive."

 

Agree though, that if exclusivity gets brought up, I want her to be the one at least hinting at it first.

[ltjg45]

No... I never have an exclusivity talk

 

I don't "NEED" a woman. If you want a woman to eventually leave you, become unattracted to you in the future, etc. Have an "exclusivity" talk with her. It shows a deep seeded insecurity that you "NEED" a woman not want one.

 

Men are programmed to want and need women.

 

If I didn't "need" a women, I would have no issues being obese, unemployed, and playing video games 10-15 hours a days like my mother is right now.

 

So yes, I do "need" a woman and I'll be lying to myself saying otherwise. Just because I can live alone will not change the truth of that statement.

[Dark Phoenix]

Asking a woman to be exclusive does not show insecurity. It tells her you like her to date only her and see where things progress from there. Going by your analogy no women would ever say yes to marriage. If you're dating 6 months in and either of you haven't had an exclusive talk are you ok with her seeing/sleeping with other men? She'd be well within her rights to since yall aren't exclusive.

 

Women WANT/NEED/DESIRE security... Men don't, they can live alone and be perfectly happy...

 

Every girl that has ever dated me has brought up the exclusivity talk... I never had to say anything. If she wants to date sleep with other people, that's fine, I will be doing it too and deep down she knows it which is why shes going to do her best to pull ME off the market.

 

 

All well and good, until you have them turn into a lawyer about rationalizing sleeping with some other dude, "Well we never agreed to be exclusive."

 

Agree though, that if exclusivity gets brought up, I want her to be the one at least hinting at it first.

 

I don't date losers and I know when to walk away from a bad relationship that would lead to her sleeping with another dude.

 

Men are programmed to want and need women.

 

If I didn't "need" a women, I would have no issues being obese, unemployed, and playing video games 10-15 hours a days like my mother is right now.

 

So yes, I do "need" a woman and I'll be lying to myself saying otherwise. Just because I can live alone will not change the truth of that statement.

 

Nope men aren't programmed to NEED women. Your programming is screwed up. We're programmed to "Want"

 

This would go into an alpha vs beta debate thread

 

If a girl is going to cheat on you, an exclusivity talk is not going to stop it. Shes going to do it anyways

 

Don't date losers or idiots with no ambition in life and be worth a crap and you dont have to worry about it

 

Men dont NEED women... we want

 

Women NEED security... they are miserable with out it

Edited February 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CptSaveAho]

This thread has huge potential to become an alpha vs beta debate

 

You guys really need to ask yourself deep down, why do you need exclusivity.

 

As a Man, I don't need a woman I want one. I can be perfectly happy without one in my life. I don't need security. Women need security

 

If a woman is going to cheat/sleep with someone else, having a "talk" is not going to stop it. Even marriage isnt going to stop it (Read these forums to prove it). Dont date, enter relationship, marriages with idiots or losers.

 

So think about it, whats the point of the "exclusivity talk" When women have these talks with us, its pretty much her telling herself that she is going to be exclusive to us

[dasein]

By that logic, if you don't ask him for exclusivity, then you are really not into him? How is it different?

 

Exclusivity should be a step in making a commitment to one another. If it's just done "because" it's not worth doing. I can't remember the last time I brought it up while dating. I don't expect her to come out with a document or be explicit about it, just to get the ball rolling by bringing the topic up. I then ask her feelings about what exclusivity is and means to her, and if we are on the same page, it can be a healthy step to agree on. It is especially useful when dating very attractive, social women who are constantly hit on.

 

As a tangent, when the topic comes up, it's the time to get some things ironed out. 1. No fake friends who are actually attention supply hanging around waiting for their chance or a drunken opportunity. If they aren't longterm real friends, just drinking or party buddies, they need to -go-. I don't want to hear her phone going off with texts from some dude in the middle of the night, and hear "he's just a friend out drinking." 2. No exes unless they are from a long time ago. Exes have to -go-. 3. No rowdy party girl single or divorced friends always wanting to get dressed to the nines for "girls night out." That BS has to -go-. There are some others, but when she starts making exclusive noises, take that opportunity to get those things ironed out.

 

An exclusive relationship isn't an "accessory" to a fabulous, flirty SATC type social life. It's a commitment that changes one's life, and if you see things differently, then just say, "hey let's just keep things as they are for the time being."

[SJC2008]

 

As a Man, I don't need a woman I want one. I can be perfectly happy without one in my life. I don't need security. Women need security

 

If a woman is going to cheat/sleep with someone else, having a "talk" is not going to stop it. Even marriage isnt going to stop it (Read these forums to prove it). Dont date, enter relationship, marriages with idiots or losers.

 

So think about it, whats the point of the "exclusivity talk" When women have these talks with us, its pretty much her telling herself that she is going to be exclusive to us

 

Credit to you Cpt for the title lol.

 

You and the other guy are spining this into a don't need a woman but want one when that's not what this thread is about; Nor is it what asking to be exclusive is about. It's human nature to want a companion of the opposite sex.

 

Yes, just becasue you are exclusive doesn't mean he/she won't cheat so thank you for stating the obvious.

 

I'm not opposed to a woman asking to being exclusive before I do, I don't think I mentioned that earlier. But why is that not the mans job? It's part of progressing the relationship IMO. To go buy the rule of not asking first on purpose becuase if you do she'll launch like she was shot out of a cannon is down right silly to me. I think it takes more balls to ask first then to wait for the woman to bring it up!

 

Keep in mind I'm talking about a time frame of 2-3 months here not like some sprung sap asking for it after 3 dates lol

Edited February 28, 2013 by SJC2008
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[dasein]

Well when they are digging what we have going, they always bring it up, and it may not be the actual "exclusive" term. Sometimes it's "where is this going?" or "I don't date more than one guy at once." I don't sweat them to come up with exact words. If I've been doing all the contacting, date planning, and whatnot, I feel like it's her chance to show me she is proactively interested in us, maybe the first chance. If she doesn't, I'm happy having things move along without an agreement. They usually start at least hinting around about it after a month or so of dating. If it ever went three months, I'd probably bring it up, it just hasn't in a long time.

 

EDIT: One other thing, be wary of women who start into the ILY talk really soon and never ever assume that is the same as exclusivity. Some women just use love more freely than guys do, and her ILY may not mean what we think it does. I remember learning this the hard way back in college with the "Well I -do- love you, I'm just not in love with you." Of course she had some other guy she wanted to date while keeping me in tow too. I wised up fast on that. People, even decent people, will try to get away with stuff if it isn't ironed out fairly plainly.

Edited February 28, 2013 by dasein