curlygirl40 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Very silly question I know. Usually I don't have a problem with being direct. But in this case I'm trying to be cool. I have a first date tomorrow with an online guy. We e-mailed for a few days, have been texting for a few days, and have had one great phone call. So far, on paper, he's everything I'm looking for in a guy. I am ready for a relationship and I don't care if he's perfect and the chemistry is off the charts in person, if he were to tell me that he's only looking for something casual, then we're not compatible and I would move along. Usually I wait for a guy to ask me what I'm looking for (and they usually do) before I ask him what he's looking for. He hasn't asked. So I don't want to be the first person to bring it up. And this is Match and Match doesn't have that question like some of the other OLD sites. He's been separated for 2.5 years, his divorce has only been final though for 6 months. That scares me so I have my eyes wide open. Is there a way without being direct to ask him what he's looking for? A conversation I could bring up that might give me some insight? I know I should just ask but unless he asks me first, not going to do it on the first date. I'm always very careful on the first date so that it doesn't seem like I'm interrogating the guy. Thoughts? Aside from that I'm being nutty. I'm already aware of that.
Author curlygirl40 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 If we haven't had that conversation by the third date (and definitely before we've been intimate) I will ask him directly. I was hoping to find a way that is not so direct that is more appropriate for a first date without him feeling like he's being grilled.
rocketman122 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I always asked that when I was on the phone before meeting them. I read their profile but I want to hear what they say. its very easy to write up but I want to hear it from them. I can envision the relationship I want, why cant they and if they say, well I dont know then I kept looking. Im not talking about marriage or moving in but you should know in your head how you would like it to be. no need to feel awkward asking that. why beat around the bush and even go on one date if you dont want the same things? just wasting time.
PhoenixRysing Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Since you met online you can casually weave it into conversation about that. Something to the effect of asking him about his experiences so far, any funny stories, what he's looking for verses what he's found. This will also give you insight into how he talks about other women he's dated. 1
Casablanca Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 If they are on match, I'd say it is safe to assume they are looking for a relationship, why pay if you werent?
pbjbear Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 If they are on match, I'd say it is safe to assume they are looking for a relationship, why pay if you werent? Oooooh I met a few fakers on that site...some guys have extra money around
Author curlygirl40 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Good point Casablanca I have decided to just relax about the whole thing. I'm just going to go and have a good time and worry about the future when it happens. I would rather spend the first date just having a good time and getting to know him as a person than firing off questions. There is enough time for that later. Some people could look at it as a 'risk' since we might not be looking for the same things, but I would rather take that risk and have a relaxed first date than to scare away a good guy by coming off intense. Thanks!! I'll update after the date. We're having dinner tomorrow.
Casablanca Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Good point Casablanca I have decided to just relax about the whole thing. I'm just going to go and have a good time and worry about the future when it happens. I would rather spend the first date just having a good time and getting to know him as a person than firing off questions. There is enough time for that later. Some people could look at it as a 'risk' since we might not be looking for the same things, but I would rather take that risk and have a relaxed first date than to scare away a good guy by coming off intense. Thanks!! I'll update after the date. We're having dinner tomorrow. Good luck, if they're on match, I'd say 99% chance they are looking for a relationship, I guess like the person above there are fakers, but you're much more likely to find those on the free sites. Dating is always a risk, but the reward is too great to not take the risk!
Author curlygirl40 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I think it's a good point about the people on Match looking more for a relationship. I have been on and off of Match for 2.5 years. In that time I've met almost 50 guys. MOST of them were good guys who had their stuff together and who were looking for a relationship. I think out of those 50, one had a very strong player vibe (I didn't stick around long enough to find out), and one was newly separated and I took a chance on dating him (and lost! lol). I'm sure there is some riff raff on that site too so maybe I'm good at weeding them out before I meet them or I've just been lucky. But I feel much more comfortable thinking about it that way. So thanks!!
siamex Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 It's a quality over quantity thing with online dating--well, to be fair it is in all kinds of dating--in most cases. I would say give it a couple dates so you can test the behavior of the guy. If he tends to be legit and takes it according to your design of what you're looking for, then you can then ask him. Probably the best way in infuse a question like that is after telling him a short anecdote about a past date or something that can link you with that question you're looking to ask. That way, it can have some brevity and perhaps if he glosses over answer it you can then save it in your repretoire for a later time.
Author curlygirl40 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Thank you siamex Thought I would update the thread after the date. The date went really well. We hit it off pretty well. We just had a great time and talked about all sorts of things. We have similar careers so we both understand what the other does for work so we both had lots of stories to tell. We both touched very briefly on our marriages and divorces. Didn't drag it out but yet also I think through that conversation we both have an idea of how we got to where we are now. We texted once we both got home and in that conversation he said 'that was fun, we should do that again' and I agreed. Without asking, I'm getting the sense that he's just looking for someone to spend some time with when he doesn't have his kids. His kids are younger (9 and 11) and he has them 50% of the time. He's busy with work also so probably doesn't have a lot of free time. I'm just going to take it as it comes and see what happens. I'll wait a couple more dates to see if he brings it up or to see what my spidey senses are telling me. What I realized today by worrying so much about this, the thing with men and women, sometimes they just don't know what they want. So to ask at this early stage is moot. I think we all can tell stories (our own and friend's) about the guy who wasn't looking for a relationship but found one anyway, or the girl who wanted a relationship and then met this guy and she was crazy about him at first but after a few dates decided it just wasn't going to work out. So I've decided to go with the flow for now and see how it plays out. Right now I'm just happy to have found someone I connect with and we'll be seeing each other again.
Casablanca Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Where did you come up with the 99%? Most of the guys I know that OLD (free or pay sites) were rebounding or just looking to have fun (sex). I would logically conclude that most people, especially on a pay site are looking for something real, where as on the free sites you're more likely to find those looking for just sex or rebound, maybe there are a lot of people who like to waste money. But I havent run into any (at least females) that I contacted that weren't looking for a relationship
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