candie13 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Girl... It's not about that text message, is there? IMHO, he's lying - he has another girl on the go. I think you need to figure this guy out once and for all. So you have the texts, which are the first red flag. Try to bust him. Get closure. Catch him in the act. I have no idea how, up to you to figure it out. But if you have the instinct the guy is cheating... chances are... he probably is. At this point, after 3 years lost with him, the biggest de-service you can do to yourself is to close your eyes. For sure apologize, because YOU HAVE NO PROOF. Yes, irrespective of what you think or of your suspicions, you should not react like a little girl. Women get proves and close deals. Confront your fears! 1
baRx Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) OP, I think you're right not to trust him. First off.. not many guys text with their moms. and the context of the text seems more like something you'd send to a girl. then when you called him on it and he said "lol yeah" like ..lol oh **** I got caught. why lol? thats just weird. plus the whole story about how to ask a girl for a number and then saying someone else asked him is a total lie. that makes no no sense at all. he's a total liar. don't trust him. you blew up because you sensed it, and you know in your gut that it wasn't for his mom it was for some girl he's "talking to" that was venting about their day. i dont know many moms that vent to their sons through text message. what a liar. way wrong. i don't know if you're a guy or not, but i am. i text my step mother fairly often and i've said things like this to her. she's also told me stories of a bad day in person, and later in the day when she wasn't around i sent her a text telling her i hope her day was better. please don't make stupid assumptions. just because you don't text your mom (if you're a guy) doesn't mean nobody does. please, take off your goggles and lighten up a bit. you, just like the OP, are jumping all over this guy. what people aren't getting here is that they're on and off. (3 years on/off, that is... obviously this relationship isn't going anywhere and if the OP can't see that after 3 years, well that's a-whole- nother issue) there's no mention that they're exclusively seeing each other, so even IF he was texting another girl and 'accidentally' texted the OP instead, what would be the big deal? she needs to get over her issues and apologize for blowing up at absolutely nothing she can prove. We have been dating on and off for 3 years. I really dont know what made me act like that. I said some pretty mean things to. I guess I just assumed the worst. Edited February 28, 2013 by baRx
TheFinalWord Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I guess I overreacted because about 6 months ago he did the same thing except he sent me a txt saying "I need the best way to approach a woman for her number" clearly he wasnt supposed to send that to me, that time he said he was asking his cousin that question because someone asked him. So I guess when it happened this time I assumed he was lying this time and the last time. What I don't understand is why you even bother with this guy anymore if for you trust was lost 6 months ago? You have concluded that this guy was untrustworthy 6 months ago, yet you continue to engage with him? I think they way you reacted was overkill, but I also think you should go with your gut. However, if you're a naturally jealous person, than that is something you need to work on (not enough info for us to tell from this one interaction). More than one time I have chalked a woman as un-datable for me, but I also did not feel a need to blow up at her. I only feel confrontation is worthwhile if you have some sort of relationship with a person. Second-class treatment at the beginning is not worth getting bent out of shape over. Better to find out early on before you get invested is my motto. If I were you and felt uneasy after that PUA text, I would have bailed back then. The fact you keep engaging with a guy you don't trust is interesting to me. BTW, it is pretty common that if you are meeting people with OLD they are probably talking, texting, dating more than one person. It kind of goes with the territory. OLD environment is not for everyone (I don't like it either). Also, lots of guys do text their mom. I just got done having a text with my mom. 1
CarrieT Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 What I don't understand is why you even bother with this guy anymore if for you trust was lost 6 months ago? You have concluded that this guy was untrustworthy 6 months ago, yet you continue to engage with him? This was my thought as well. My gut tells me he was NOT texting his mother, otherwise his responses wouldn't have been "lol yeah" - he knows he's been caught. 3
Author WildWildWest Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Clearly the reason I am still dealing with him is because I have feelings for him.. its not just something I can turn off.. and yes I may have some jealousy issue, but he is the same way when it comes to me and other men. He has not given me any other reason to believe that he may be talking to other women except for the 2 txt messages.. and I sometimes often wonder if he did that on purpose.. He may have been txtn his mom and he may not have been, im sure its something I will never know the answer to. The only thing I need to decide it whether I apologize or not.
Author WildWildWest Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 And this is not OLD.. we work together.. I knew him a year before we even got together.
TheFinalWord Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Clearly the reason I am still dealing with him is because I have feelings for him.. its not just something I can turn off.. and yes I may have some jealousy issue, but he is the same way when it comes to me and other men. He has not given me any other reason to believe that he may be talking to other women except for the 2 txt messages.. and I sometimes often wonder if he did that on purpose.. He may have been txtn his mom and he may not have been, im sure its something I will never know the answer to. The only thing I need to decide it whether I apologize or not. Okay, I thought you said it was OLD. My bad. Yikes, dating at work is actually worse than OLD 99% of the time. People can meet that way, but unless both are extremely emotionally mature, it often ends up disastrous. For example, if it doesn't work out (most relationships don't) you have to see each other every day. If the break up is mature, okay, you can handle it. But most relationships there is a falling out and most people don't like seeing their ex all day, especially if they have to interact with them. There are a lot of unknowns on our end...are you in a relationship with him? Are you dating other people? If you're not in a relationship and you're just sort of in this limbo where you never seem to end up in a relationship it may be time to re-assess the situation. I don't think I would need 6 months (3 years on and off?) to figure out what I wanted to be exclusive with a woman, but maybe I'm different. If he can't make his mind up, it may be time for you too, despite your feelings for him. At some point you have to put your health first. I don't think I would want to put myself through such an emotional roller coaster for someone that I did not trust. It seems you have lost trust for this guy. The only way to re-build trust is through renewed commitment and communication. If this guy won't give you commitment, how do you expect to re-build trust? That's just a question to ask yourself. Just advice, do as you wish, but most of us have been in those situations where we had to make a decision, despite our feelings. Lots of people can give you help here, if that is what you decide to do. BTW, I'm not trying to attack you, just help. Sorry if it comes across that way.
Author WildWildWest Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I totally agree.. dating in the workplace is the worst idea ever! It just kinda happened and wasnt really supposed to lead into anything.. I was just out of a horrible marriage and he had been thru some rough relationships so we decided FWB.. well we all know that doesnt work.. I started getting feelings for him and I eventually told him that if he didnt want more then it was time for me to move on.. thats when he told me he had feelings for me also. We have never been official but we both made it known we were not seeing other ppl. It was one of those situations where it wasnt labeled but we pretty much acted like a couple. He has some trust issues, I knew this going in and I should have just left it alone before it even got started but now im sitting here feeling the way I do because I really do care alot about him. I know I should probably just call it quits and cut my losses, but it is very hard to do when u have such feelings and have to see that person everyday. I have tried it before a couple times and each time hes the one who comes running back. I will admit I do have my own issues.. I have trust issues, jealousy issues and anger issues.. so perhaps we arent a good match anyway.. I guess I should at least apologize to clear the air since we do work together, I dont want things to end on such a horrbile note.
TheFinalWord Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) I totally agree.. dating in the workplace is the worst idea ever! It just kinda happened and wasnt really supposed to lead into anything.. Yeah, I understand. I find that if I am single I have to actively resist dating co-workers. It is easy to get into relationships at work! I was just out of a horrible marriage and he had been thru some rough relationships so we decided FWB.. well we all know that doesnt work.. I started getting feelings for him and I eventually told him that if he didnt want more then it was time for me to move on.. thats when he told me he had feelings for me also. We have never been official but we both made it known we were not seeing other ppl. It was one of those situations where it wasnt labeled but we pretty much acted like a couple. He has some trust issues, I knew this going in and I should have just left it alone before it even got started but now im sitting here feeling the way I do because I really do care alot about him. I know I should probably just call it quits and cut my losses, but it is very hard to do when u have such feelings and have to see that person everyday. I have tried it before a couple times and each time hes the one who comes running back. Yes, that is a tricky situation. I'm not going to sit here and blast you for what you've done. All you can do is learn from it and press forward As a guy, I would know by now what I wanted with a woman. He comes running back b/c of secure sex. You deserve more than that IMHO. You convince yourself it's a relationship, but in his mind he can easily convince himself that no commitment was made so he can talk to other women, if that is indeed what is going on. One thing I have found in life: People can convince themselves anything they do is right. It's innate within all of us. Just like this Jodi Arias court case going on right now; she has convinced herself she didn't murder her boyfriend. I'm not saying this is that extreme lol but that ability is within all of us. If he is seeing other women, he can easily justify it in his mind. That's why you have to have a standard and why stuff that doesn't align with that standard has to be confronted. I'm not saying he is or isn't, but I am saying to be careful that you aren't creating a fantasy in your mind. Guys do this all the time when they think a girl likes them. They will see all these insignificant actions as "signs" the girl is all about them. When we have feelings for someone, we try to justify our desire and interpret their actions in our favor. It might be good to step back and take a different line of thought. We can see what others say I will admit I do have my own issues.. I have trust issues, jealousy issues and anger issues.. so perhaps we arent a good match anyway.. I guess I should at least apologize to clear the air since we do work together, I dont want things to end on such a horrbile note. Sure, we all have issues. Don't feel bad. The thing is, I think a lot of your negative feelings are rooted in frustration. Is this guy going to commit or what is going on? You're frustrated and I think that is the "gut feeling" you should not ignore. And TBH it doesn't sound like this guy is going to do the right thing. If you both have feelings, and both want a commitment, tell him that. Tell him you have trust issues and things he has done make those issues come out. If he loves and is committed to you, he will want to work them out. If you have to do all the pursuing, he will do the minimal amount. He may be texting his mom, but you're not his mom. lol He can take responsibility. On your end, have a standard and try to resolve that if he doesn't meet it (I don't think commitment is too much to expect at this point), you have to do what is best for you Edited February 28, 2013 by TheFinalWord
RogerWallace111 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) I text my mom regularly, he could've very well been texting his, but even before you revealed the "how do I get a girl's number" slip-up, I found myself agreeing that it seemed shady. Not sure why... They're just words on a screen but they strike me the way they struck you. And "lol yeah" is a dumbass response that adds to my feeling that it's some other chick. Why not "sorry meant to send that to my mom" ? Anyway, I would apologize, because without any real evidence, it was an overreaction. And again it may have been a text to his mom. But then- and I hate to advise this- I would sleuth a bit, as someone suggested. If it weren't for his obvious lying in the incident 6 months prior, breaching his privacy wouldn't be an option, but given that sh*t I say look at his phone next time he's in the shower, etc. I'm sure I'll get criticism for that suggestion, but really, people who harp on the whole "how could you look through my **** ?" thing and try to make the snooper feel guilty almost always have something to hide. Sh*t I snooped on my ex's phone a few different times over 3.5 years and, lo and behold, she had something to hide every time. It was never quite "scandalous" or flirtatious, but it was communication with a couple ex's/guys she insisted she didn't talk to at all because she knew I wouldn't be ok with it. And similarly, in this case, maybe it's some girl who he's not f*cking or anything, but doesn't want to admit he's been talking to cause he knows it wouldn't be cool with you. Regardless, I get the feeling it's not his mom. Edited March 1, 2013 by RogerWallace111 1
candie13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 the thing is... this relationship comforts you. It's your safety zone - and his too, apparently. Thing is, Mr Right will not appear, if you settle for Mr. Good Enough. We all have issue, trust issue, abandonment fears, jealousy, all sort of things. But... you HAVE reasons to act all crazy. Not that this excuses your acting all crazy. And you need to be 100% determined to get closure and end this, otherwise he'll feel you're not that sure and will easily make you change your mind. Only if you believe he is not the one, will you manage to let him go. Now tell me... if you were to really dump this guy, would you go to his place ? I don't think so. You're going over to make up and have steaming make up sex. Nothing wrong with that. But tell it like it is and stop lying to yourself. If you want some comfort and confirmation, take it. But then... don't be all shocked when you get weird texts and when his stories don't add up. Get whatever it is that you want and need from this. Like an ADULT. Unless you keep it real, no one will keep it real for you, most people want to have things easy - men and women alike. And that is settling. While I understand its short term appeal, that is NOT good enough for me, on the long term. Get your head straight around this thing, otherwise you're gonna waste a lot more time... and you're not getting any younger, dear LS poster! 1
Author WildWildWest Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I really think I am just going to apologize for being so nasty and tell him why I acted the way I did, that way I can have some kind of closure. Plus since we work together I want to try to at least get along as co workers because these past couple days have been horrible.. so speaking, no eye contact and when I do have to ask him a question its like talking to me is the last thing in the world he would rather do. I'm not looking to be friends or anything but to at least be able to treat each other decent. It hurts to see him everyday and I'm not really sure if letting him go is what I want but I'm sure its what I need to do. I noticed yesterday all the drawings I made for him and he kept with his work were gone.. which means he threw them away.. I took that as I sign he doesnt want anything to remind him of me all day and perhaps he is ready to move on. Either way, I still should apologize and try my best to pick up the pieces and move on.
candie13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 do it in a coffee shop, not at the guy's place. you'll be doing yourself a favor!
Author WildWildWest Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Now I dont know if I should apologize or not.. He may not deserve on after all :/
RedRobin Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I believe you have some reason to have your radar go off. In situations like this, you will need to be a bit more circumspect in your reaction and then seek resolution in a way that is respectful for both of you. If you still have a hard time trusting him after attempting to have a reasonable discussion, then perhaps you just aren't compatible. Guys I know who have made an innocent flub like this would do something silly like call their mom on the spot and put me on the phone with her. But then, I don't act like a raving banshee when something goes amiss. They have many opportunities to clear things up amicably. Or not. Some guys are just big fat cowards and don't want to actually have a conversation about being exclusive or seeing other people, so they do lame stuff like this. Alas... MY gut feel for this situation is he is not being honest... and your on-again-off-again entanglement needs to be off-again... this time for good. Have some self respect... back away gracefully and end things with your self-respect in tact. Don't let him reel you back in when he is down on his dating luck and needs some 'lovin'.
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