ScreamingTrees Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 If you're dating someone, is there really a way for you to prevent them talking to their "girl friends" about physical imperfections or similar things? "Jeff is just so ruggedly handsome, and he's a fireman! But.. he is kind of short, at least shorter and smaller than I pictured a fireman.. blah blah blah" Even a hypothetically good looking guy like Jeff isn't immune, I guess, but what about those of us who are much less fortunate? The men/women who are bland, lame, unattractive, forgettable, invisible.. Should we just accept that this will happen, unless we end up with someone as equally as miserably depressing and doofy looking as ourselves, in which case they probably won't have friends to complain to anyway? Is the safest bet to just not get involved with someone, with anyone, knowing that this person or any person could and more likely than not will be scrutinizing any stand-out flaws and thinking "Hmm, is this immediately/recently perceived flaw bad enough that it invalidates all of their other good qualities?" I'm sure that there are enough people in this world for them to find someone who meets all of their criteria, so why *wouldn't* I be disposable, regardless of how "awesome" I might initially be? Personally, I'm going to wait until I'm around 25.. If I'm not any taller, or any different looking and I'm still in the same boat, I'm going to cash in my chips and "assume room temperature".. I won't have to worry about any of this inane bull**** anymore, no more rat races. I can't train myself not to care, doesn't matter how much time passes all alone left to my own devices, nothing negative really fades away into mental obscurity, it just disappears for awhile until it's triggered.. It's not even my lack of a social/love life, even the things that I enjoy doing on my own have become stale, I don't enjoy being alive, my life is just one short and long-term effort to become someone else, to free myself from a state of perpetual inadequacy and hopelessness and lack of interest. My parents, the only family I really have, will probably be dead of old age by then, and so there'll be no one left behind for me to hurt. I've thought about this for awhile, and there'd be no way to go about it without the mental image of them sobbing in my head, so I'll just rot away for a few more years, I'm already dead anyway.
CarrieT Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 If you're dating someone, is there really a way for you to prevent them talking to their "girl friends" about physical imperfections or similar things? Nope - I'm afraid not... It is part of the genetic makeup of most women to talk frankly with their "girlfriends" about whatever is in their head that is important to them at the time - be it a guy, their menstrual cycle, or how they fix their hair. You just have to get over that fact. And age won't make any difference.... I've heard 40- and 50-something women dish just as bad as the 20-somethings.
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 That's what I like. A man with a plan. 1
kimberlydoll Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Even a hypothetically good looking guy like Jeff isn't immune, I guess, but what about those of us who are much less fortunate? The men/women who are bland, lame, unattractive, forgettable, invisible.. Should we just accept that this will happen, unless we end up with someone as equally as miserably depressing and doofy looking as ourselves, in which case they probably won't have friends to complain to anyway? QUOTE] Whether or not a girl does this depends upon her maturity, personality and level of interest in you. Other than making sure shes happy with you and doing what you can in that department, you have no control over it Guys do this with girls too so it works both ways. Ive overheard my brothers and close male friends all talk about their girlfriends/wives/fiancees physical flaws as well. Some of them are dating women much hotter than them too! I dated one guy whom we had a short bout of sexual problems and he broadcasted my part of it to his entire family at a dinner party (he was super immature and disrespectful though and this behavior caused me to break up with him)
ThaWholigan Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 People are going to talk about you whether you want to or not - you should probably worry more if they never do . I learned to accept that negative things will be said about me, they've been doing it since I was an infant - albeit alongside the positive stuff. Either way, you seem to be disconnected from your purpose in life, which I understand a little. I would take time trying to find out what makes you happy or try new things to see if you find something you're passionate about. 1
tman666 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Please do your best not to think like this, especially when it comes to ending your own life. Someone who respects you isn't going to focus on your physical imperfections, let alone gossip about them to their friends. While there's no way to prevent someone you're dating or in a relationship with to say whatever they're going to say, you don't have to let yourself be walked on by sh*tty people. Besides, we all have imperfections, physical and otherwise. There is no such thing as a perfect person. At 25, your life has barely begun to unfold. If everyone had all the answers at 25, then life would be easy. You're only stuck in a box if you accept your current reality. My advice is to look into getting some therapy or finding a group that helps you see value in your life. While I think it's healthy to strive to improve yourself, focusing on "perfection" is a pointless endeavor because it doesn't exist in anyone. 2
dasein Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 You must remember it's a two sided coin. Women compare and analyze their BFs constantly and the things they say are often amazingly inaccurate, offbase, ill-informed, unfair. Thing is though, some of this is compensation mechanism for their level of feelings and should not be taken too personally when you are privy to it. If they are yacking about -you- as opposed to the hot barista serving them and their GFs, then their mind is on -you-. Lots of the actual banter is noise/gloss over this fact. Just a given reality you should accept. Be wary when they -stop- jawing and gossiping about you with their GFs. Most of it is noise, and the equivalent of guys going on and on "analyzing" sports or music. Good luck. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I dont dwell on peoples imperfections, nor do i discuss imperfections of a partner with girlfriends its a pretty negative conversation to have....i accept flaws....comes with being mentally ill and recognizing how many i have...i remember when i went out with a really short guy......girlfriends had at the time all said you can do better why would you go out with him he is so short......why dont you go out with such and such he is chasing you.....i said to them his height didnt bother me and that they shouldn't be so shallow they werent dating him i was, so it had nothing to do with how they felt about him only hat i felt for him..........we eventually didnt work out but it wasnt because of his height it was his need to make up for his height by sleeping with as many women as he could.....i lost trust therefore i lost my attraction to him which wasn't based on his physical imperfections or the way he looked...it came down to attitude and personality....and of course fidelity i dont believe all women sit around talking about the guy they are with in a negative way.....or why woudl they be with them the guy must be doing something right....everyone has a whien now and again but to pick at someone who you are supposed to be in love with.....a bit shallow and to me that isnt love.....deb
normal person Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) I'm not a fan of being talked about either but I've learned to accept it. Most people talk about their partners to their friends whether or not they'd like to admit it. They do it and they have it done to them. It's a very common when venting, seeking advice, etc. They talk about the good stuff too, but I've found that "boyfriends" is amongst the biggest topics of conversation for young women and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I think your solution sounds a little extreme. Is that you in your avatar? You're honestly a handsome, good-looking guy from what I can tell. I'm sure there are girls here that will agree. You come off pretty intelligent too. I don't know what your circumstances are but I'm sure there's a relatively straightforward way for you to find some success and be happy. Edited February 27, 2013 by normal person
wahine Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) It's not even my lack of a social/love life, even the things that I enjoy doing on my own have become stale, I don't enjoy being alive, my life is just one short and long-term effort to become someone else, to free myself from a state of perpetual inadequacy and hopelessness and lack of interest. My parents, the only family I really have, will probably be dead of old age by then, and so there'll be no one left behind for me to hurt. I've thought about this for awhile, and there'd be no way to go about it without the mental image of them sobbing in my head, so I'll just rot away for a few more years, I'm already dead anyway. If you're being serious, I think you've got some more important things to worry about than if it's possible to find a girl who won't talk about/criticize you behind your back. That being said, to answer your question... No, it's not. Every woman on earth does it. Which is fine, because every man in a relationship with those women is being talked about. It all winds up equal in the end. Of course, there are some women who do it with less shame than others (that one woman who broadcasted how tiny their so's junk is from another recent thread comes to mind), but those women should be pretty easy to spot. Never know until you get out there though. Edited February 28, 2013 by wahine
Recommended Posts