tuxedo cat Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 We were only together for a couple of months and he ended our relationship last week. When we first started dating he was completely enamored with me and dove headlong in. He told me he loved me a couple of weeks in, wanted to be exclusive immediately, acted as if I was the missing key to his happiness. My feelings take longer to mature but I was slowly starting to fall in love with him. I remember the day things turned. The night before I had gone over to his place and was feeling closer to him than I had up to that point. I let my guard down a bit and was more affectionate with him. The next day I got a message from him that he was feeling sad and he didn't know why. From there he rapidly spiraled back down to the depressive state he had been in before we started dating. Foolishly I did everything I could to keep the relationship going and lift his spirits. When I questioned him about whether his feelings for me had changed he insisted that they hadn't, but his actions spoke otherwise. Finally he broke up with me. I asked him if he still loves me and he said that he doesn't anymore because right now he is too depressed to love anyone. What's odd is he's always basically been this depressed and in every other relationship he has been the more invested one and the girl has eventually ended things. Those girls treated him poorly -- a couple of them cheated on him and he stayed with them. I asked him if I am more affectionate and loving than his past girlfriends and he said that I am and that my affection overwhelms him because he can't reciprocate it. Why is it that he wouldn't want to be with the one girl who was consistently affectionate and loving to him? Has anyone been on either end of this experience? This knowledge that my affection turned him off hurts more than the actual break up.
jagdude14 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Ok so I have been similar to this guy as far as relationships always dumped. I am not depressed though. But it could be possible he sees you are so into him like his past gf's however all of them eventually end up dumping him. He may see the pattern and think you will do the same. Even though that is not fair to you he maybe protecting himself although that is his own problem not yours. He shouldn't be scared of love. If he loves you he will be there. You don't want to be with a downer. You want to be in a happy relationship. I'd dig into his relationship and assure him you won't treat him the same way as his ex's if and only if you actually know you won't. Other reason is he could have flaked and does not like you Or he is actually just depressed. Either way it is not your move unless you do the assure part. I have been hurt so many times but if I loved a new girl I wouldn't dump her in fear of eventually being dumped. My ex recently dumped me like 2 of my previous ex's I am torn up. It will not affect how I feel when I fall in live with her again or with someone else.
geegirl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Why is it that he wouldn't want to be with the one girl who was consistently affectionate and loving to him? Has anyone been on either end of this experience? This knowledge that my affection turned him off hurts more than the actual break up. My ex was this way. It was a sign to him that you were getting close and that closeness was intimidating to him for a couple of reasons. His fear of committment. His feelings changed. Guilt for leading you on when he began to realize he wasn't that into it/you. Men with commitment issues fear intimacy. They shoot off the blocks really fast because they're caught up with the initial spark of things but when it starts to progress and the realization that it's progressing hits them and it's becoming more to the other person, they run the other way. That's when they get quiet, sullen and depressed and soon detach.
Mack05 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Great lesson to learn here. The one's that fall in love with you quick, fall out of love with you even quicker.
jagdude14 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Great lesson to learn here. The one's that fall in love with you quick, fall out of love with you even quicker. I think that is an opinion that is not always true
Mack05 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I think that is an opinion that is not always true I bet you ANYTHING in the vast majority of cases it's true.. 1
jagdude14 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I bet you ANYTHING in the vast majority of cases it's true.. That is such a broad statement to make when there are so many dynamics to a relationship. It is almost an insult to set stereotypes for reasons relationships end based on a situation when we honestly know nothing about either party. Dude could honestly be depressed. To be honest I think OP needs to recognize if he is or is not telling the truth the best thing is to move forward because she needs to be happy and not have the burden of a wishy wash relationship who is not in touch with how the feel about themselves or their SO.
Author tuxedo cat Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 My ex was this way. It was a sign to him that you were getting close and that closeness was intimidating to him for a couple of reasons. His fear of committment. His feelings changed. Guilt for leading you on when he began to realize he wasn't that into it/you. Men with commitment issues fear intimacy. They shoot off the blocks really fast because they're caught up with the initial spark of things but when it starts to progress and the realization that it's progressing hits them and it's becoming more to the other person, they run the other way. That's when they get quiet, sullen and depressed and soon detach. Yes this makes sense. What I find puzzling, though, is that he was able to fully invest in his ex girlfriends who all treated him indifferently. Is it just that he can't commit to someone who likes him in return? He told me he loves everything about me but he doesn't love me. Yet when he speaks about his exes he points to so many things that he disliked about them and says I have a lot more to offer him than they did. WTF?
geegirl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Yes this makes sense. What I find puzzling, though, is that he was able to fully invest in his ex girlfriends who all treated him indifferently. Is it just that he can't commit to someone who likes him in return? He told me he loves everything about me but he doesn't love me. Yet when he speaks about his exes he points to so many things that he disliked about them and says I have a lot more to offer him than they did. WTF? He was probably most comfortable in those relationships because the fear of attachment wasn't there. When it comes to commitment, he may truly love/like the person, but those fears are far too strong and most times will outweigh what he feels for the person. I was the longest relationship my ex had. Even his father thought we would end up together. But he just couldn't do it. When we broke up, he cried and told me that he wanted it so badly but couldn't shake the fears. The closer I got, the harder he fought to keep me away. And when I stepped back, his fears would relieve itself and he would come back. When I got close, he would clam up again. A big indicator is when they start to withdraw and get depressed. There is a battle brewing within...stay or go. They just can't do it. It's not a reflection of who you are. It's just the way they are wired. Don't take it personally.
Mack05 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 That is such a broad statement to make when there are so many dynamics to a relationship. I could argue back and forth with you, but I am not going to. You have your opinion and I have mine. For me people with more emotional depth and maturity take them time before they fall in love, because they understand that love is far more than just a good honeymoon period. That real love and feelings take time to develop.. You can refer to 'dynamics' all you want, I am never going to agree with you.
Sari Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah I know how you feel. My ex stayed with his ex gf for 6 years, and she dumped him. I thought this meant that he was a good long-term prospect. WRONG!! Turns out his '6 year relationship' was more on and off than a light switch, she was 10 years older than him, they never lived together, argued constantly because he would be out with his friends all the time, mostly on hard drugs. He also described her as fairly lame and that they didn't really have that much in common. It was obviously never really going to go anywhere, so he could relax safe in the knowledge he wasn't about to get 'trapped'. And treat her like sh*t by the sounds of it! Whereas me he described as a 'genius goddess'. I've honestly never been pursued so ardently as our first few months together, or clicked with anyone so well in a lot of ways. We spent all weekend every weekend together, everything was perfect. Then of course his commitmentphobe self took over, dumped completely out of the blue twice, came crawling back twice, ran for the hills again when I took his grovelling seriously over Christmas. He was literally shaking my hand off with panic the second time. All this from the man who said I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, the funniest, the sweetest. He loved everything about me from my eyebrows to my handwriting. He told me he loved me so much he got scared. And look! It scared him right out of my life! Ha. Try reading 'men who can't love' - you might spot your ex in there. Big hugs x 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah I know how you feel. My ex stayed with his ex gf for 6 years, and she dumped him. I thought this meant that he was a good long-term prospect. WRONG!! Haha, same. One of the first things my ex told me (this was before we started dating) was that he had a very domestic five year relationship with this other girl. I was so impressed that he had been able to sustain a long term relationship at a fairly young age. In fact my first impression of him had been fairly negative but this pretty much reversed whatever reservations I had. Little did I know that his ex had never been that invested and cheated on him with multiple guys over the course of their relationship. He also described her as lazy and flighty. By contrast he told me he loved everything about me. In conclusion: men are weird.
NoLeafClover Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 where as I ask myself why am I the guy I didn't breakup with my ex first. Dont dwell too much on it. What matter is not who broke up with who or who got the last word, but who gave up on who. I look at it this way. You don't want quitters in your life? I sure don't.
amaysngrace Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 When I didn't have a great opinion of myself I questioned the character of my BF because he cared about me when I didn't believe I was worth being cared about. I saw him as weak for that.
amaysngrace Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 A "healthy" person wouldn't be attracted / date you when you were in that condition / place. You knew it and he knew it and why you thought of him as weak... which he was. Her BF isn't healthy. He kept the women who slept around him and threw the good one away. She said he was depressed. Can you not read?
Mack05 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 A "healthy" person wouldn't be attracted / date you when you were in that condition / place. You knew it and he knew it and why you thought of him as weak... which he was. Cannon/AM a question I'd love an answer to is... 'Why can't many emotionally unhealthy people recognise just how unhealthy they are, despite all the undeniable evidence around them? Even if you point it out to them?
amaysngrace Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Cannon/AM a question I'd love an answer to is... 'Why can't many emotionally unhealthy people recognise just how unhealthy they are, despite all the undeniable evidence around them? Even if you point it out to them? Maybe they're in denial or if they know it maybe they don't think they have the strength to correct it. Maybe they think that reaching out to counseling is weaker than being sick. Maybe they are comfortable with being uncomfortable. Maybe they don't believe they are worth being well and lack the incentive to try. Maybe they fear change.
Mack05 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Who knows and who cares. Bottom line, I don't see my role nor am I looking to date someone's who wants / desires / needs a Life Coach, Shrink, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Universal Truth... Hurt People, hurt people. I know my value and my worth and there are plenty of "healthy" people out there like me so I just stick to those. The way I see it, I am looking out for all the "Nice" guys and Captain Save a Hos out there. All the garbage I pass on ("fixer uppers", "projects", "broken", "damaged goods", etc.) seem to be the only "kind" of women they want and feel comfortable pursing. Cannon your my kind of guy
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