Albert555 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 So I am looking for some advice on how to treat my current situation. I was dating my girlfriend for about 3.5 months when she broke up with me. We’re both in law school and I left for this spring semester to work in DC (we go to school in California), so she ended it about 2 weeks in. She said she couldn’t do long distance because she wanted to focus on school and was stressed out about school, and couldn’t deal with the additional worry of a long distance relationship. She also said she is not ruling out the possibility of dating again when I got back and we could talk about it when the time came, but that she couldn’t think, now, about what may happen when I get back. She said she wanted to be friends, and keep communicating when I am out here, but no relationship. We talked a lot before I left about our relationship. She seemed to want more of a commitment, in that she did not feel she was being treated “special.” She wasn’t happy that we didn’t go out on that many dates or that I had asked her to split some of the checks when we did. Both are true, we didn’t go out all that much; with the lack of time in law school we studied a lot together and then went out to bars with friends. I also am on loans so I really can’t pay for every dinner and date we did go on. She also got jealous of some of my friends who are girls; girls that are, absolutely, just friends, but I am pretty friendly with some of the other girls at the school. Most of these problems she did not mention to me until about a week before I was set to go. Anyway, we talked a lot about it and I told her I could scrap the bar trips and just hang out with only her in those situations and would try to find time to go on more dates. And it seemed as if we had gotten to the same page that we were both committed to one another, for long distance to work. But then she ended it pretty quick after I left. So I’m not sure how to handle things. We have texted off and on; maybe every few days, sometimes a week has gone by before either one texts. I have probably instigated the texting like 60 percent of the time, but the texting is nothing about our relationship; just how things are going pretty much. Should I keep talking to her? Or ignore her all together? Or try to talk to her more? I do miss her a lot and had a really good time being with her. A lot of me feels that we just weren’t dating long enough to establish anything that could last long distance. We had just had a great talk i thought and were totally on the same page about what we wanted in the relationship, just did not have any time to see how it would be since i had to leave. Then again, she did break up with me and I know most people say it’s best to have complete no contact after a relationship. I know she wasn’t completely happy with the way things were going, but I thought our talks before I left made it clear to her how I felt and that she was on board, too. So the other part of me feels that she did really want to totally break up, but couldn’t do it when I was still in school with her. I want to try to date her again when I get back, but really don’t want to give myself false hope that she will be open to that. So I’m kind of stuck. I’m here until mid-May and left early January… Thanks for any advice!
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 You manage a Long-Distance break-up in precisely the same way you handle a non-Long-Distance break-up. You go No Contact. She cannot hope for you, or expect you to remain in the 'friend-zone' while she continues to live the way she wants to live. If you have strong feelings for someone, you can't be 'just a friend'. Can't be done. Sorry. You need to stop contacting her, because really, every time you do, what you really want to hear is "I made a mistake, I do really love you, forget what I said, we're back on track." And the more it doesn't come, the more your heart sinks. See the No Contact link in my signature. It's all there.
Author Albert555 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Thanks for the response. I get the whole no contact thing for breakups; it is the only way to get over them. And you just have to have the confidence that - if they do want to be with you again, they will come find you. But I do think my situation was a bit different; it was sort-of open-ended. So I wanted to see if I should handle it any different. Like I do want her to know I am still interested; I guess the question is, will she know I feel that way if I ignore her? My fear is no.
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You don't need to communicate that you're 'still interested'. She broke up with YOU. Had she not done, you would still be together, so of course she knows you're more interested in this than she is. Read other threads: You're at the 'grasping at straws' stage. You want this: She doesn't. Go No Contact. Remember what NC is for. It's not a question of 'ignoring'. It's a question of acceptance, healing and moving on.
ja123 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You're right: you don't have enough of a foundation to do long-distance. I think that you could tell her that you don't want to be just friends, and that in the meantime you're just going to concentrate on your studies and career so you're going to cease contact until you return.
MidwestUSA Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 She feels you don't treat her " special", doesn't want to chip in on dates, and is jealous of your other friends? Good riddance, tough as that may be. She did you a favor.
Author Albert555 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 She feels you don't treat her " special", doesn't want to chip in on dates, and is jealous of your other friends? Good riddance, tough as that may be. She did you a favor. I mean.. I hear you. She did seem that she was pretty materialistic in the final conversations we had; but her personality was great and I loved being with her. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but I just kind of want the chance to see; which I didn't feel I had as we really did not have enough of strong relationship to last long distance and we couldn't work on any issues. I get the whole no-contact deal, in that I see how it can help and how it should be the main option. It is just hard to let go. I know that's got to be the hard thing for everyone, but I just have to think confidently that if she does want to try again, she will let me know right? meaning she will let me know regardless of whether I do something to show her I'm still interested, or keep talking to her? I think that is the hardest part; letting go and giving it to chance.
TaraMaiden Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) You MUST read the No Contact Guide in my signature. It carefully distinguishes between wanting to try again - and 'breadcrumbs'. Unfortunately, 98.9999% of contacting made by dumpers, can be categorised as breadcrumbs. I suggest you go No Contact, and wait. Sure as eggs is eggs, she WILL contact you again. The instant she does - before replying - bring it in here, and check with us. Seriously. We'll be able to tell you what's going on. And I guarantee we'll tell you - "It's breadcrumbs, mate". Edited March 1, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author Albert555 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Just read your NC guide; thanks it was pretty helpful. I will be sure to post with any contact I receive from her for some help on what to do, since I know I have not done well so far. Just a few days ago after a week of no communication; she texted me "hey! How's it going over there?" .... Breadcrumbs right? I responded, but waited until the next night. Anyway I have just blocked her from gchat and Facebook, so I'm really going to try this process. Just have to be confident that IF she does want to get back, she will let me know, right?
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