Simon Phoenix Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Please They're not affecting me anymore. Not to the point of me breaking NC or setting me back anyway. I have good and bad days. Mostly good But yesterday was bad-ish, he just text me at the wrong time is all. And as I said, my phone isn't very advanced. And I can't change my number. But if they were affecting my healing I'd have to change it. They are affecting you, just not as much as before. And you don't have to change your number, you can just block his.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) As Simon said. If his texts don't affect you, why would you start a thread about him making you feel guilty again? Why would you state that you are now feeling sad for him because he is lonely. That means you are affected. You said that if the texts get more frequent you will block. Why if then and not now? Why does frequency make a difference when only one text a couple of days ago has again affected you? Come on LS and tell us about what you are doing to make yourself feel better. Tell us about how you are feeling. But the only threads we see are about him. And if he text messages you again in the next few days, you will be back on here asking why is he doing the things he is doing. I don't know. I thought I was doing pretty well, obviously not. As I said, only you know why you need to have that lifeline going. Telling everyone you are not affected is a complete contradiction when this thread is all about how he made you feel guilty again. They didn't affect me to the point of me wanting to reply or crying or missing him ect. I just felt sorry for him. I've just told you how I'm feeling better, and that's why I haven't been posting. I'm actually giving advice on here now, something I couldn't do weeks ago. I have no reason to lie about be affected. They're just silly words on a screen from a silly person. But if they were like constant I'd do something about it, him texting me isn't a big deal anymore. I read them then delete them. Was just the lonely thing. I thought I was doing pretty well, obviously not. Edited February 28, 2013 by LostGirl11
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Please They're not affecting me anymore. Not to the point of me breaking NC or setting me back anyway. I have good and bad days. Mostly good But yesterday was bad-ish, he just text me at the wrong time is all. And as I said, my phone isn't very advanced. And I can't change my number. But if they were affecting my healing I'd have to change it. Lost, you will do what you need to do. You don't need to explain yourself to us or even justify your actions. I will tell you this. Triggers will get in the way of your healing. His text messages to you are triggers. Just as you are healing, here comes a text that scrapes the surface and some days, they gouge at the wound. These are triggers. They make you slip backwards just when you are getting your footing rather than stay feet on the ground focused ahead. NC is not just refraining from responding to them but cutting all contact that you may receive from them as well. 1
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 They didn't affect me to the point of me wanting to reply or crying or missing him ect. I just felt sorry for him. I've just told you how I'm feeling better, and that's why I haven't been posting. I'm actually giving advice on here now, something I couldn't do weeks ago. I have no reason to lie about be affected. They're just silly words on a screen from a silly person. But if they were like constant I'd do something about it, him texting me isn't a big deal anymore. I read them then delete them. Was just the lonely thing. I thought I was doing pretty well, obviously not. If you believe you are doing well, then hold on to that and keep moving forward.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) Lost, you will do what you need to do. You don't need to explain yourself to us or even justify your actions. I will tell you this. Triggers will get in the way of your healing. His text messages to you are triggers. Just as you are healing, here comes a text that scrapes the surface and some days, they gouge at the wound. These are triggers. They make you slip backwards just when you are getting your footing rather than stay feet on the ground focused ahead. NC is not just refraining from responding to them but cutting all contact that you may receive from them as well. Ok. I've made no progress. None at all, all because I didn't block him. And I keep saying, I have a crappy little phone, that doesn't have all these apps ect. But they're not bothering me. But if they do or if they do creeps up on me I'll have to do something about it. Edited February 28, 2013 by LostGirl11
Simon Phoenix Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 They didn't affect me to the point of me wanting to reply or crying or missing him ect. I just felt sorry for him. I've just told you how I'm feeling better, and that's why I haven't been posting. I'm actually giving advice on here now, something I couldn't do weeks ago. I have no reason to lie about be affected. They're just silly words on a screen from a silly person. But if they were like constant I'd do something about it, him texting me isn't a big deal anymore. I read them then delete them. Was just the lonely thing. I thought I was doing pretty well, obviously not. Ugh. That's not what she's saying at all. She's just saying that you can can steps to further your healing even more. She's not saying that you haven't improved. You need to stop taking people's posts out of context and thinking that they are out to get you.
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Ok. I've made no progress. None at all, all because didn't block him. You are not getting it. Progress is about you putting yourself first, and foremost. When you deal with a dumpee that has zero respect for your wellbeing and efforts to heal, you have to cut that contact. Progress is not about you not responding. Progress is about you saying to yourself that you are tired of receiving these text messages, you are tired of dealing with the bad days, you are tired of dealing with his antics. That's when you remove him from your life and move on. I would rather you just say, "Look, I can't cut contact because I am not ready because I still love him and it's a bandaid I still need and hopefully in time I will be able to rip it off and throw it away for good. I am just not ready." I'd accept that. What makes no sense is when you state his texts don't affect you but then start a thread about how it's affected you. 1
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 If you believe you are doing well, then hold on to that and keep moving forward. I'm not gonna lie, this has actually really upset me.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) You are not getting it. Progress is about you putting yourself first, and foremost. When you deal with a dumpee that has zero respect for your wellbeing and efforts to heal, you have to cut that contact. Progress is not about you not responding. Progress is about you saying to yourself that you are tired of receiving these text messages, you are tired of dealing with the bad days, you are tired of dealing with his antics. That's when you remove him from your life and move on. I would rather you just say, "Look, I can't cut contact because I am not ready because I still love him and it's a bandaid I still need and hopefully in time I will be able to rip it off and throw it away for good. I am just not ready." I'd accept that. What makes no sense is when you state his texts don't affect you but then start a thread about how it's affected you. Progress isn't all about texts. I'm not waiting for them anymore. I've made progress in other areas of the break up, like not dwelling and accepting and not punishing myself. So I'm not progressing because I have bad days? Edited February 28, 2013 by LostGirl11
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm not gonna lie, this has actually really upset me. I'm not here to coddle you. You want me to say you are doing great. Yes, you're doing the best you can by not replying to him. But healing doesn't just happen because you are hiding behind a phone and refraining from replying and while you are doing that, posting on here asking why is he saying the things he is saying. You have to be proactive in your healing. Not just waiting for the dumpee to get tired and go away. That means you don't just sit and wait for it to happen while he sends you text messages, you become proactive in deciding that the triggers must stop and that YOU have to do what is in your best interest to have sole focus on you.
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Progress isn't all about texts. I'm not waiting for them anymore. I've made progress in other areas of the break up, like not dwelling and accepting and not punishing myself. So I'm not progressing because I have bad days? Lost, do what you need to do to get through this, the best way you know how. We can only advise you but if what you are doing is sufficient in your efforts in healing and getting to the other side, then do it.
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm not gonna lie, this has actually really upset me. I think Geegirl is giving you good advice here. There is no need to take offence or be defensive Lostgirl. As long as you believe you are making good progress that is all that should matter to you. Remember this is just an online forum where people share thoughts and opinions. It really shouldn't be upsetting you like this. There is no malice there. I would say 99% of people on LS are caring and here to try help. Anyone who posted on this thread, just want what is best for you. Really it's not worth getting upset over.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I'm not here to coddle you. You want me to say you are doing great. Yes, you're doing the best you can by not replying to him. But healing doesn't just happen because you are hiding behind a phone and refraining from replying and while you are doing that, posting on here asking why is he saying the things he is saying. You have to be proactive in your healing. Not just waiting for the dumpee to get tired and go away. That means you don't just sit and wait for it to happen while he sends you text messages, you become proactive in deciding that the triggers must stop and that YOU have to do what is in your best interest to have sole focus on you. I'm not hiding behind a phone or pretending. I've progressed in other ways.
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm not hiding behind a phone or pretending. I've progressed in other ways. Then good for you. Keep doing what you are doing.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I think Geegirl is giving you good advice here. There is no need to take offence or be defensive Lostgirl. As long as you believe you are making good progress that is all that should matter to you. Remember this is just an online forum where people share thoughts and opinions. It really shouldn't be upsetting you like this. There is no malice there. I would say 99% of people on LS are caring and here to try help. Anyone who posted on this thread, just want what is best for you. Really it's not worth getting upset over. Well it kind of does. I thought I was doing well then I'm told that I'm lieing to myself and am doing a crap job. Just a little deflating.
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Well it kind of does. I thought I was doing well then I'm told that I'm lieing to myself and am doing a crap job. Just a little deflating. That wasn't the message at all Lostgirl. For what it's worth, I think real progress is when you don't care what people think. You know you are making progress and nothing anyone says 'deflates' you.. You'll get there..
Simon Phoenix Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Well it kind of does. I thought I was doing well then I'm told that I'm lieing to myself and am doing a crap job. Just a little deflating. Stop. She's not saying that at all. She's saying that there's more you can do to further your process. No need to get defensive, just take her advice in the way that it is meant to be taken -- as an assist. You are taking this way too personally right now. 2
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Well it kind of does. I thought I was doing well then I'm told that I'm lieing to myself and am doing a crap job. Just a little deflating. You're getting too defensive when people are trying to stir you in the right direction. We've all been through hell and back and we're saying these things to help you get on your feet, the best and fastest way possible. I hope you find your way through this and get to the other side soon. You deserve so much better. Keep positive and stay strong. Good luck to you. 1
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 That wasn't the message at all Lostgirl. For what it's worth, I think real progress is when you don't care what people think. You know you are making progress and nothing anyone says 'deflates' you.. You'll get there.. I don't dwell anymore (This is a massive thing for me) I've accepted that the relationship was toxic and that he treated me poorly, I'm not holding on to hope, I'm eating well, sleeping well, I've joined a yoga and zumba class, I'm finding joy in little things again, I don't read into his bread crumbs anymore, yesterday was just a blip. But all this doesn't make any difference because I haven't blocked a number. 1
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I don't dwell anymore (This is a massive thing for me) I've accepted that the relationship was toxic and that he treated me poorly, I'm not holding on to hope, I'm eating well, sleeping well, I've joined a yoga and zumba class, I'm finding joy in little things again, I don't read into his bread crumbs anymore, yesterday was just a blip. But all this doesn't make any difference because I haven't blocked a number. Zumba!! I would love to have the rhythm for that! Looks so damn cool on TV. Well it looks like 'Lost' girl is transforming into 'Found' girl...
Simon Phoenix Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I don't dwell anymore (This is a massive thing for me) I've accepted that the relationship was toxic and that he treated me poorly, I'm not holding on to hope, I'm eating well, sleeping well, I've joined a yoga and zumba class, I'm finding joy in little things again, I don't read into his bread crumbs anymore, yesterday was just a blip. But all this doesn't make any difference because I haven't blocked a number. Oh dear lord.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Oh dear lord. I get what is being suggested. Blocking him will help me heal even quicker. But It just upset me that she thinks I'm pretending and hiding behind a phone. I'm not saying I'm doing well but just not replying (even though some people think that this is a good a thing) I'm saying aswell as ignoring him I'm trying to better myself.
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 but perhaps the tone seemed a little abrasive to you. The reality is, you are doing well in that you are making progress. But on some level you probably quite like getting those texts - it's a sick masoch1stic thing, and it comes from our refusal to let go of that last tiny shred. If you are brutal and you tell him he is blocked, that is shutting the door forever. Some tiny part of you doesn't want that, or not yet. That doesn't mean you are not making progress; you are clearly making good progress. But it does mean don't kid yourself entirely about having let go, because you're not quite there yet. This isn't a criticism, it's just a tiny red flag for you, because one glass of wine or one weak moment, and you might reply. Like I did. And it has set me back the full 7 weeks. Whereas if you accept that you are still vulnerable to him - you loved him, of course you are! - you might be better prepared xxx 1
geegirl Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I get what is being suggested. Blocking him will help me heal even quicker. But It just upset me that she thinks I'm pretending and hiding behind a phone. I'm not saying I'm doing well but just not replying (even though some people think that this is a good a thing) I'm saying aswell as ignoring him I'm trying to better myself. You are pretending to be unphased. You say you are not affected, yet you write up a thread titled, "Made to feel guilty again." Then you go on to say that you now feel sad that he is lonely and misses you. And now you feel guilty. Then we tell you to block, but you say you don't need to because you are not affected. But you are affected because you just wrote a thread about how you are being affected.
Author LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 but perhaps the tone seemed a little abrasive to you. The reality is, you are doing well in that you are making progress. But on some level you probably quite like getting those texts - it's a sick masoch1stic thing, and it comes from our refusal to let go of that last tiny shred. If you are brutal and you tell him he is blocked, that is shutting the door forever. Some tiny part of you doesn't want that, or not yet. That doesn't mean you are not making progress; you are clearly making good progress. But it does mean don't kid yourself entirely about having let go, because you're not quite there yet. This isn't a criticism, it's just a tiny red flag for you, because one glass of wine or one weak moment, and you might reply. Like I did. And it has set me back the full 7 weeks. Whereas if you accept that you are still vulnerable to him - you loved him, of course you are! - you might be better prepared xxx I'm not kidding myself. I know I'm not over it yet but I am doing something about it. And I really don't enjoy the texts. I don't really feel anything when he sends them. So to me blocking him isn't a massive deal, but if I feel myself slipping and reading into them then I'll do something about it. Me making progress isn't all down to not replying, I know that, but I am progressing in other ways.
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