Made to feel guilty, again!

[LostGirl11]

He text me a few times last night and they've left me feeling bad. I didn't reply. This is what he said 'Are you talking/dating anyone yet? Feel free to tell me to mind my own business' Then another saying 'It's sad to say but I'm really lonely and I know you won't have any trouble attracting a nice man' Then 'You can call me whenever you want, I'd really like that'

 

What is his obsession with me dating someone else? I think it's because he wants to start dating and will feel less guilty if I'm dating or to make himself feel less guilty about ending the relationship. Both selfish reasons. What do you think? I know it means NOTHING!

 

I feel messed up now. I feel bad because he is lonely and is obviously missing my company, but then I tell myself to be angry with him which helps but then I think 'Why should I be angry with with him? He has a right to not want to be with me' Then it's 'No! I am angry because he didn't even try to fix things' but is that a good enough reason to be angry at someone?

Edited February 27, 2013 by LostGirl11

[na49]

We should both feel guilty together. My ex told me she wanted to talk to me. So I blocked her.

 

What kind of animal am I?

[LostGirl11]

We should both feel guilty together. My ex told me she wanted to talk to me. So I blocked her.

 

What kind of animal am I?

 

No, she's the animal, she cheated on you. You have every reason to not want to talk to her.

[geegirl]

Awhile ago, it was suggested that you block his number or you change yours, you stated that it was not affecting you that much.

 

But as soon as you start to move on, the clown pops out of the box and here you are, again and again, lamenting about how it makes you feel bad and sets you back.

 

I believe you do like the attention, Lost. It allows you to have your own ego boost and to feel in some way validated by this man. You feel you are missed and loved and thought of and that makes you feel good. Complete NC would have you face the reality and pain of actually letting go of what you know is bad for you.

 

He broke up with you. He didn't want to see you for two months. You begged and begged and he ignored you. Now you are asking why this man is back?

 

He does this to control you. You once would crawl on all fours for him and now that you aren't doing it, he's needing you to stroke his ass. He can't stand the fact that you may be moving on rather than kissing his feet.

 

Missing your company???? You told him you would come up and see him rather than not see each other for two months and he said he didn't want you to come up and you are feeling sorry that he is missing your company. I want to shake you, I swear to you.

 

We can all play this game with you. But until you decide to completely delete him from your system, you'll keep coming back here with the same posts and keeping yourself stuck where you have always been.

[mammasita]

You are torturing yourself - Block his number. Block his email. Remove him from your Facebook.

 

It's simple.

[LostGirl11]

Awhile ago, it was suggested that you block his number or you change yours, you stated that it was not affecting you that much.

 

But as soon as you start to move on, the clown pops out of the box and here you are, again and again, lamenting about how it makes you feel bad and sets you back.

 

I believe you do like the attention, Lost. It allows you to have your own ego boost and to feel in some way validated by this man. You feel you are missed and loved and thought of and that makes you feel good. Complete NC would have you face the reality and pain of actually letting go of what you know is bad for you.

 

He broke up with you. He didn't want to see you for two months. You begged and begged and he ignored you. Now you are asking why this man is back?

 

He does this to control you. You once would crawl on all fours for him and now that you aren't doing it, he's needing you to stroke his ass. He can't stand the fact that you may be moving on rather than kissing his feet.

 

Missing your company???? You told him you would come up and see him rather than not see each other for two months and he said he didn't want you to come up and you are feeling sorry that he is missing your company. I want to shake you, I swear to you.

 

We can all play this game with you. But until you decide to completely delete him from your system, you'll keep coming back here with the same posts and keeping yourself stuck where you have always been.

 

When he contacted me last week it didn't affect me in the slightest, I did say that, and I haven't posted since. But this time it has affected me because he is lonely and I know he doesn't have anybody. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I do not like the attention, it's unwanted attention and it doesn't boost my ego at all.

 

I just thought I'd post to vent instead of replying to him.

[geegirl]

When he contacted me last week it didn't affect me in the slightest, I did say that, and I haven't posted since. But this time it has affected me because he is lonely and I know he doesn't have anybody. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I do not like the attention, it's unwanted attention and it doesn't boost my ego at all.

 

I just thought I'd post to vent instead of replying to him.

 

There you go again. He is lonely. He doesn't have anyone.

 

He chose to be alone and to not have anyone when he dumped you. If you feel sorry for him, then call him and comfort him but let me remind you that the day you were begging and crying for him to take you back, he didn't have an ounce of sympathy for you, in that you would be struggling on your own and feeling lonely. He ignored you.

 

If you can't handle these sort of text messages, because there will be more, then block him. I cannot think of any other reason why you wouldn't except that you want to hear from him.

[iouaname]

Good for you for not responding, that's some ridiculous bait that he was throwing.

 

I hate when they tell you things meant to make you feel bad for them even when they broke up with you. After the breakup my ex would text me being like "I know it's not fair, but I'm having a hard time, too. I'm scared that I'm losing you."

 

Even when it's explained to me that it's about their ego and confusion, I'll never understand why they do this sort of thing

[LostGirl11]

There you go again. He is lonely. He doesn't have anyone.

 

He chose to be alone and to not have anyone when he dumped you. If you feel sorry for him, then call him and comfort him but let me remind you that the day you were begging and crying for him to take you back, he didn't have an ounce of sympathy for you, in that you would be struggling on your own and feeling lonely. He ignored you.

 

If you can't handle these sort of text messages, because there will be more, then block him. I cannot think of any other reason why you wouldn't except that you want to hear from him.

 

They only affected me in the early stages of the break up, because I still had hope. But now I know they mean sweet **** all. It's just the 'Lonely' text that knocked me off balance. Nooo! I've haven't posted this to ask if I should reply, god no! I'm just far too soft which is a weakness of mine. I hate it when people are sad. Nope he didn't care, had zero empathy during and after the relationship but that doesn't change who I am. I wish I could stop caring for him, I wish I was a cold hearted bitch, but that's not me. This isn't about me replying.

[geegirl]

They only affected me in the early stages of the break up, because I still had hope. But now I know they mean sweet **** all. It's just the 'Lonely' text that knocked me off balance. Nooo! I've haven't posted this to ask if I should reply, god no! I'm just far too soft which is a weakness of mine. I hate it when people are sad. Nope he didn't care, had zero empathy during and after the relationship but that doesn't change who I am. I wish I could stop caring for him, I wish I was a cold hearted bitch, but that's not me. This isn't about me replying.

 

Put yourself first. Stop feeling sad for people that treat you like crap. Trust me he wasn't feeling sad for you when you were pining for him. He's not sad. His ego is bruised.

 

This is not about you being soft. It's about you having low self-esteem. Feeling bad for people that treat you bad. You value their feelings above yours. You value their wellbeing above yours.

[LostGirl11]

Put yourself first. Stop feeling sad for people that treat you like crap. Trust me he wasn't feeling sad for you when you were pining for him. He's not sad. His ego is bruised.

 

This is not about you being soft. It's about you having low self-esteem. Feeling bad for people that treat you bad. You value their feelings above yours. You value their wellbeing above yours.

 

Please don't go thinking I'm one of those posters that get a high from bread crumbs. No, he didn't give to ****s, I know. He just text again, asking me to call him tonight. I'd love to visit his planet.

[iouaname]

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This song always helps me whenever I get a call from him. I know it's cheesy but it makes me feel more empowered ^_^ Maybe it could help you?

[geegirl]

Please don't go thinking I'm one of those posters that get a high from bread crumbs. No, he didn't give to ****s, I know. He just text again, asking me to call him tonight. I'd love to visit his planet.

 

It doesn't matter what I think, Lost. The only way you will step away from this is for you to block him. Whatever your reasons to still keep this lifeline going, is for you and you alone to figure out. It's your battle, not mine.

 

You will choose your own way to heal and detach.

[LostGirl11]

It doesn't matter what I think, Lost. The only way you will step away from this is for you to block him. Whatever your reasons to still keep this lifeline going, is for you and you alone to figure out. It's your battle, not mine.

 

You will choose your own way to heal and detach.

 

I'm not doing too bad, am I? I haven't reached out to him and I haven't replied to any of his texts. If they become constant then I'll block him. I don't think they will, it will fade out.

[destroyed4sho]

He text me a few times last night and they've left me feeling bad. I didn't reply. This is what he said 'Are you talking/dating anyone yet? Feel free to tell me to mind my own business' Then another saying 'It's sad to say but I'm really lonely and I know you won't have any trouble attracting a nice man' Then 'You can call me whenever you want, I'd really like that'

 

What is his obsession with me dating someone else? I think it's because he wants to start dating and will feel less guilty if I'm dating or to make himself feel less guilty about ending the relationship. Both selfish reasons. What do you think? I know it means NOTHING!

 

I feel messed up now. I feel bad because he is lonely and is obviously missing my company, but then I tell myself to be angry with him which helps but then I think 'Why should I be angry with with him? He has a right to not want to be with me' Then it's 'No! I am angry because he didn't even try to fix things' but is that a good enough reason to be angry at someone?

 

I think your doing well. It is ok that you may feel guilty and angry sometimes, it just what naturally happens when we go no contact.

I don't know why he is so curious about your valentine and now if your seeing someone. Maybe, like you said he wants to feel less guilty.

In regard to you being angry about not trying, I feel you. I have so much anger towards my ex especially recently....the strange part about it is that I have reached the acceptance stage but still hold ALOT of anger. I guess it is normal? I just feel like my anger is holding me back from meeting other people because I have no patience with others right now.

 

Another thing you can do is block the text messages with an application on your phone.

[geegirl]

I'm not doing too bad, am I? I haven't reached out to him and I haven't replied to any of his texts. If they become constant then I'll block him. I don't think they will, it will fade out.

 

It's not about reaching out or replying. That speaks nothing of progress. That's just you hiding behind a phone and pretending you're doing well, when you're not because you're still in need of keeping the lifeline going and you are still affected by contact. His contact keeps you hanging on. And even when you say it doesn't somewhat relieve you and make the pain go away when he contacts and shows you attention, I call you out on that because we have all been there and done that. It's a bandaid. Cutting him off completely is something you cannot do because it speaks finality and you can't deal with that.

 

Your healing requires full detachment and complete focus on what is going to help you get there sooner. It's about you putting all this behind you, with ZERO distractions so that you allow yourself to start enjoying your life rather than getting reeled back when he texts or emails you every two weeks. It's about you making a choice that you do not want him derailing you anymore because you want to rid of this toxic attachment.

 

What you're doing now is one step forward, two steps back. I bet if he came back today begging to take him back, you would. This is why you keep the lifeline going. There is still hope, or at least you hope for hope. You won't respond until you hear the right words, but until then you will accept his contact, hoping that he will one day say what you need to hear.

 

I may be wrong.

[LostGirl11]

It's not about reaching out or replying. That speaks nothing of progress. That's just you hiding behind a phone and pretending you're doing well, when you're not because you're still in need of keeping the lifeline going and you are still affected by contact. His contact keeps you hanging on. And even when you say it doesn't somewhat relieve you and make the pain go away when he contacts and shows you attention, I call you out on that because we have all been there and done that. It's a bandaid. Cutting him off completely is something you cannot do because it speaks finality and you can't deal with that.

 

Your healing requires full detachment and complete focus on what is going to help you get there sooner. It's about you putting all this behind you, with ZERO distractions so that you allow yourself to start enjoying your life rather than getting reeled back when he texts or emails you every two weeks. It's about you making a choice that you do not want him derailing you anymore because you want to rid of this toxic attachment.

 

What you're doing now is one step forward, two steps back. I bet if he came back today begging to take him back, you would. This is why you keep the lifeline going. There is still hope, or at least you hope for hope. You won't respond until you hear the right words, but until then you will accept his contact, hoping that he will one day say what you need to hear.

 

I may be wrong.

 

It did affect me, but it doesn't now. In the past I would have replied within seconds then feel like crap once the texting/calling stopped and would get myself in a state. I don't do that anymore. I no longer check my phone every hour and have accepted that we're over and that he wasn't invested. I'm not purposely keeping the lifeline going. Yes I still love him and no I'm not over it, maybe I should be, I don't know. But he no longer affects my day. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I don't dwell anymore, I let myself feel the pain then I give myself a telling off and stop.

[geegirl]

It did affect me, but it doesn't now. In the past I would have replied within seconds then feel like crap once the texting/calling stopped and would get myself in a state. I don't do that anymore. I no longer check my phone every hour and have accepted that we're over and that he wasn't invested. I'm not purposely keeping the lifeline going. Yes I still love him and no I'm not over it, maybe I should be, I don't know. But he no longer affects my day. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I don't dwell anymore, I let myself feel the pain then I give myself a telling off and stop.

 

You'll do what's right for you.

[LostGirl11]

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This song always helps me whenever I get a call from him. I know it's cheesy but it makes me feel more empowered ^_^ Maybe it could help you?

 

Thanks iouaname, it's a good song, used to listen to it a lot actually. It's empowering but emotional at the same time, ha! Or maybe it's just me...

[LostGirl11]

It's not about reaching out or replying. That speaks nothing of progress. That's just you hiding behind a phone and pretending you're doing well, when you're not because you're still in need of keeping the lifeline going and you are still affected by contact. His contact keeps you hanging on. And even when you say it doesn't somewhat relieve you and make the pain go away when he contacts and shows you attention, I call you out on that because we have all been there and done that. It's a bandaid. Cutting him off completely is something you cannot do because it speaks finality and you can't deal with that.

 

Your healing requires full detachment and complete focus on what is going to help you get there sooner. It's about you putting all this behind you, with ZERO distractions so that you allow yourself to start enjoying your life rather than getting reeled back when he texts or emails you every two weeks. It's about you making a choice that you do not want him derailing you anymore because you want to rid of this toxic attachment.

 

What you're doing now is one step forward, two steps back. I bet if he came back today begging to take him back, you would. This is why you keep the lifeline going. There is still hope, or at least you hope for hope. You won't respond until you hear the right words, but until then you will accept his contact, hoping that he will one day say what you need to hear.

 

I may be wrong.

 

So you don't think I've made any progress? Just because I haven't bloacked his number? I said no to being friends, I haven't reached out, I haven't replied to his texts and I know how to stop myself from dwelling, which I'm really happy about. I don't wait for him to contact me anymore and I hardly ever feel the urge to contact him.

 

There isn't really a reason why I haven't blocked him, not really thought about it that much, which must say something about my healing. His texts don't affect me, they're just empty words on a screen to me now. You even said that I'm able to gauge the reality and motive behind it and that I give myself too little credit. And that these things should tell me that I am moving forward. But if they do start affecting me again then yeah, I'll block him. If I can, my phone isn't very advanced, it's just a simple phone and I can't change my number for so many reasons. Just too much hassle.

 

The 'Lonely' thing just got to me, but I wasn't going to reply, I just posted about it because it helps and I knew someone would remind me that I'm doing ok.

Edited February 28, 2013 by LostGirl11

[Simon Phoenix]

So you don't think I've made any progress? Just because I haven't bloacked his number? I said no to being friends, I haven't reached out, I haven't replied to his texts and I know how to stop myself from dwelling, which I'm really happy about. I don't wait for him to contact me anymore and I hardly ever feel the urge to contact him.

 

There isn't really a reason why I haven't blocked him, not really thought about it that much, which must say something about my healing. His texts don't affect me, they're just empty words on a screen to me now. You even said that I'm able to gauge the reality and motive behind it and that I give myself too little credit. And that these things should tell me that I am moving forward. But if they do start affecting me again then yeah, I'll block him. If I can, my phone isn't very advanced, it's just a simple phone and I can't change my number for so many reasons. Just too much hassle.

 

The 'Lonely' thing just got to me, but I wasn't going to reply, I just posted about it because it helps and I knew someone would remind me that I'm doing ok.

 

She isn't saying you haven't made progress, but she's saying that for whatever reason you aren't ready to completely leave him in the dust and move on. And his texts are affecting you if you are starting a thread about them.

 

You are making progress. But for whatever reason you haven't completely ditched the training wheels.

[LostGirl11]

She isn't saying you haven't made progress, but she's saying that for whatever reason you aren't ready to completely leave him in the dust and move on. And his texts are affecting you if you are starting a thread about them.

 

You are making progress. But for whatever reason you haven't completely ditched the training wheels.

 

Please They're not affecting me anymore. Not to the point of me breaking NC or setting me back anyway. I have good and bad days. Mostly good But yesterday was bad-ish, he just text me at the wrong time is all.

And as I said, my phone isn't very advanced. And I can't change my number. But if they were affecting my healing I'd have to change it.

Edited February 28, 2013 by LostGirl11

[Own Worst Enemy]

But I completely understand. My ex got me to reply to him after 6 weeks of no contact because he emailed and said that he was very sad and lonely and had no friends, and I had left a massive hole in his life. Which was OK, but would take some getting used to... It pulled so hard at my heartstrings that they nearly broke so I caved.

 

Which is why I then had to get a string of emails about how I am the most amazing person on the planet, he just doesn't want to sleep with me, and he can't wait for me to meet someone else so we can be friends.

 

I was told not to stick my hand in the fire; I can't be surprised that it still burns.

 

Anyway, the point wasn't to hijack your thread, sorry, it was to say that I completely understand the feeling of feeling sorry for him and it getting to you. You love the guy. You care if he is sad. Your brain isn't capable of processing that HE DESERVES TO BE A SAD LONELY W*NKER. I'm sure you'd have told me to ignore my ex's pathetic emails. And you'd have meant it. But of course you can't be expected to do that for yourself.

 

I confessed to my best friend that I had replied, and she texted back: "why?" so I said "because he was sad and lonely and it upset me." She replied: "GOOD! He deserves it. You should have been happy!" Obviously what I should have been was ambivalent, but that will take a while. You'll take her point. The same applies to you.

 

You're doing the right thing by ignoring him. Eventually he will get his d1ck wet somewhere else, and he will stop. But by then you'll be long since over it. For a start, you've got drinks with ME and S and anyone else who's local and up for it!

[LostGirl11]

But I completely understand. My ex got me to reply to him after 6 weeks of no contact because he emailed and said that he was very sad and lonely and had no friends, and I had left a massive hole in his life. Which was OK, but would take some getting used to... It pulled so hard at my heartstrings that they nearly broke so I caved.

 

Which is why I then had to get a string of emails about how I am the most amazing person on the planet, he just doesn't want to sleep with me, and he can't wait for me to meet someone else so we can be friends.

 

I was told not to stick my hand in the fire; I can't be surprised that it still burns.

 

Anyway, the point wasn't to hijack your thread, sorry, it was to say that I completely understand the feeling of feeling sorry for him and it getting to you. You love the guy. You care if he is sad. Your brain isn't capable of processing that HE DESERVES TO BE A SAD LONELY W*NKER. I'm sure you'd have told me to ignore my ex's pathetic emails. And you'd have meant it. But of course you can't be expected to do that for yourself.

 

I confessed to my best friend that I had replied, and she texted back: "why?" so I said "because he was sad and lonely and it upset me." She replied: "GOOD! He deserves it. You should have been happy!" Obviously what I should have been was ambivalent, but that will take a while. You'll take her point. The same applies to you.

 

You're doing the right thing by ignoring him. Eventually he will get his d1ck wet somewhere else, and he will stop. But by then you'll be long since over it. For a start, you've got drinks with ME and S and anyone else who's local and up for it!

 

I've done what you did, I've caved and replied in the past. But now, NO! they're just empty words to me. Him being lonely just made me a little sad, but that was all, I didn't want to reply and still haven't. geegirl reminded me that he had no sympathy for me when he left me broken hearted, so he deserves none from me.

 

When you dick of an ex emails you again just remind yourself how it made you feel the last time you replied. Nothing changed, if anything it made things worse. He just keeps confirming that you're not good enough to sleep with. He sounds vile!

[geegirl]

As Simon said.

 

If his texts don't affect you, why would you start a thread about him making you feel guilty again? Why would you state that you are now feeling sad for him because he is lonely. That means you are affected.

 

You said that if the texts get more frequent you will block. Why if then and not now? Why does frequency make a difference when only one text a couple of days ago has again affected you?

 

Come on LS and tell us about what you are doing to make yourself feel better. Tell us about how you are feeling. But the only threads we see are about him. And if he text messages you again in the next few days, you will be back on here asking why is he doing the things he is doing.

 

As I said, only you know why you need to have that lifeline going. Telling everyone you are not affected is a complete contradiction when this thread is all about how he made you feel guilty again.