waitwhat Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I guess this has always been true of my relationship, but now more than ever it really gets on my nerves. My husband likes to offer instructions on how I should do things that frankly I just don't need. Like last night, when he decided to show me a better way to grate cheese while I was in the middle of preparing an elaborate dinner. Re-positioned me, the grater, actually pushing on my back to encourage me to "really lean in." Seriously, WTF? End result is grated cheese, however it got that way. I snapped at him to back off, I can grate cheese on my own. I finally just hit a wall with it, since in the last week I've also been instructed on how I'm not playing WOW "correctly," how to slice bread, how to properly sweep a floor, etc. All completely unsolicited. I am just a my limit for it.
Keenly Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This is a really big red flag. This man doesn't believe in you or trust you to get the job done on your Own.
BetheButterfly Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I guess this has always been true of my relationship, but now more than ever it really gets on my nerves. My husband likes to offer instructions on how I should do things that frankly I just don't need. Like last night, when he decided to show me a better way to grate cheese while I was in the middle of preparing an elaborate dinner. Re-positioned me, the grater, actually pushing on my back to encourage me to "really lean in." Seriously, WTF? End result is grated cheese, however it got that way. I snapped at him to back off, I can grate cheese on my own. I finally just hit a wall with it, since in the last week I've also been instructed on how I'm not playing WOW "correctly," how to slice bread, how to properly sweep a floor, etc. All completely unsolicited. I am just a my limit for it. Understood. Some people are perfectionists. My husband is a perfectionist but he doesn't tell me how to do things. (He's tried and I nicely told him that he can do things his way and I will do things my way. He is very sweet too and laughed and said ok but if I want his advice, he's there for me. ) Respect and agreeing to disagree are very important in marriage and in pretty much all relationships really. Humor really helps things too! I think it's important to kindly establish the boundary to respect how one does things even if it's not how others would do things. I had to learn this too in decorating. I insisted for awhile to put some of my favorite pictures in the dining room where my husband didn't want them. I had my way for awhile until he asked if it was now his turn for his way. It was so they are now in different places lol! I've discovered that taking turns as to our ways and putting humor/fun into the differences can help when married to a perfectionist. 2
CarboniteCammy Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Whoa, are we married to the same man? lol Yeah, you know, my husband tries to do this. He sees it as being helpful. I see it as, "Get out of my face and let me do this my way," so we clash like that sometimes. At this point, we're both much happier if he just takes his control freak self and does something constructive with it, like maybe fixing a shelf, rather then monitoring me. And we have had to have a conversation that went like this: Him: Actually babe, you do it like this and then you don't have to worry about this or this or this. Me: Thanks, but I do it like this because of this and this and this and I don't really care about that. Him: Pushing issue pushing issue... Me: Babe. Stop. Him: ? Me: How old am I, babe? Him: 31. Why? Me: I've done it this way my whole life. I don't need your help. If you want to help, go (take the trash out, do laundry, change the baby, vacuum the rug, fix that light outlet, get the mower back together, play with the dogs) etc. Basically, I just redirect him because that's just how he is and it's not worth fighting over. He's a micromanager at home and there are plenty of things that need managing that aren't me and what I'm doing. 7
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 That's a good one. "Darling I'm XX years old, and I've been doing this a long time. Even before I met you, so really, I'm good with this. If you really want to show me how something should be done, why don't you show me how you vacuum the carpet/do the washing/change the bedclothes/take the trash out/feed the kids? That would be a real lesson for me!" Love it....... 3
CarboniteCammy Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 haha! Yeah, there's no point in fighting about it. Sometimes he even jokes with me now about it, so humor is the key. 2
todreaminblue Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I guess this has always been true of my relationship, but now more than ever it really gets on my nerves. My husband likes to offer instructions on how I should do things that frankly I just don't need. Like last night, when he decided to show me a better way to grate cheese while I was in the middle of preparing an elaborate dinner. Re-positioned me, the grater, actually pushing on my back to encourage me to "really lean in." Seriously, WTF? End result is grated cheese, however it got that way. I snapped at him to back off, I can grate cheese on my own. I finally just hit a wall with it, since in the last week I've also been instructed on how I'm not playing WOW "correctly," how to slice bread, how to properly sweep a floor, etc. All completely unsolicited. I am just a my limit for it. i would have it were me say hmmmmm maybe you show me then....and while he was grating distract him on the perfectionism, make him forget about the cheese....was gonna write how...lol....ill leave ti up to the imagination.....but it involves putting the dinner on a lower heat and taking a little break......im kidding or maybe not.....when it comes to food i like to have it perfect...i tend fto hover if someone is doing something and i can see its not working.....i agree with the poster its a matter of agreeing to disagree, the beauty of a marriage is respect for the others differences and cherishing them , that you are not clones of one another..........and if that doesnt work distraction will......smilin atcha....deb 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This is a really big red flag. This man doesn't believe in you or trust you to get the job done on your Own. or it just means he likes to give unsolicited advice a lot. I know tons of people like that. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Are you talkin' to me?? Say that again!!
Nyla Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Your husband probably thinks that he's helping you; his heart is in the right place even though the unsolicited advice is annoying. Let your husband know how you feel in a loving way. 2
CarboniteCammy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Animallover, I'm guessing that there are people who like to be micromanaged, and people who don't. I'm guessing you must be one of those. As for the learning comment, there's a big difference between learning something new (which actually, I'm self taught in many of the hobbies that I'm serious about. Taught myself how to knit and I DARE you to try that one on your own. Taught myself rudimentary genetics 'cause I had a thirst for it. I've got a bachelors and a post bachelors degree, in fact, so there you go for learning) and having someone breathing down your neck waiting for you to make a mistake so that they can "teach you" about what you did wrong. I bet on a daily basis, someone could tell you many things you do wrong. Maybe you don't tie your tie in a full windsor. My husband would tell you you were a slob and to do it right. Maybe you don't fold your towels in thirds. Again, my husband would have no problem telling you that's now how towels go. And vacuuming? Maybe you don't hit the same area twice up and back when you do it. My husband, again, would probably let you know that's not the best way to clean a carpet. See where I'm going with that? I don't know. Maybe you don't. Quite frankly, it does get old to be "instructed" on how to do silly little things, like fold towels, sweep the floor, vacuum... In my opinion, if you're going to spend that much time "teaching" someone, then maybe you should just buck up and do it yourself. It does feel quite undermining to have a partner who for some reason doesn't think you know how to vacuum a rug.
CarboniteCammy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Oh and before I forget to add... I work in a *very* specialized field and I bill my own hours. Not blue collar. BTW- there is nothing WRONG with blue collar jobs. I thank God every day there are people who take my trash to the landfill, clean out the sewers, sweep the streets, etc. Because honestly, those jobs are way more important then mine when it comes to how our society functions on the whole. They just don't get paid as much, which is the real burn for them, and in my opinion that's a failing of how we place values on the jobs people do.
CarboniteCammy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) My husband is annoying sometimes. Eh. So am I. Neither of us are perfect (for sure) but we do have a deep and abiding love. Relationships take patience and work, but at the end of the night I get to wake up to the man I love most in the world. And quite frankly, though I do get testy, I'd honestly have him no other way. Edited February 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Comments about another member redacted
Sunlight72 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Hi WaitWhat (OP), I had a long-term girlfriend who was pushy and bossy like that. Oddly, what she was really looking for was for me to stand up to her and demand she respect me, that I could do things fine on my own - so that she could stop 'worrying' if I was or wasn't doing things 'correctly' !!! $%#???? It took me a long time to get the right understanding of what was going on (she couldn't put it into words either). My suggestion would be to stand up for yourself, and when possible include laughter. The funny thing is - he must respect and trust you to have jumped into marriage with you, but he has apparently forgotten that you know how to function as a self-reliant woman! So remind him For the long-term health of your marriage try to include humor in your replies to his bossy-butt behavior, but at first you'll likely have to be quite firm with him. You're just going to have to treat him like a child for a little while until he gets the message. Best Wishes Sunlight 1
effie Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I guess this has always been true of my relationship, but now more than ever it really gets on my nerves. My husband likes to offer instructions on how I should do things that frankly I just don't need. Like last night, when he decided to show me a better way to grate cheese while I was in the middle of preparing an elaborate dinner. Re-positioned me, the grater, actually pushing on my back to encourage me to "really lean in." Seriously, WTF? End result is grated cheese, however it got that way. I snapped at him to back off, I can grate cheese on my own. I finally just hit a wall with it, since in the last week I've also been instructed on how I'm not playing WOW "correctly," how to slice bread, how to properly sweep a floor, etc. All completely unsolicited. I am just a my limit for it. Since there are 2 pages of responses I'm sure someone has already said this, but first: that is freaking annoying. My husband does that to me sometimes too, and my response is always either 1. OK great, you can do it your way next time you are making ME an elaborate dinner, or 2. Awesome, since you're so good at slicing bread/grating cheese/fill-in-the-blank, why don't you do it with a great big smile and just hand it over to him. It took awhile but my husband almost never says things like that to me anymore.
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