Midnight Magic Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 The police came to my house this morning at 6 am, with my brother. I guess we were both listed as the next of kin on his identification. Apparently, he had been dead for over one week and his body was already in the stages of decomposing. We had to go and identify him this morning. MY god this is the worst thing that I have ever had to do in my life. The police asked us what we think happened. I told them that I think that he got drunk and fell down the stairs. I had seen this so many times. I can remember the one time, I had gone outside in the winter, it was freezing cold, and there he was lying in the snowbank - passed out again as had been the norm. Had I not dragged him into the house, he would have froze to death. I can not count the many times he would pass out on the front lawn in the summer. And what hurts me the most, is that he died from the disease of alcoholism. Actually he fell down 20 stairs and hit his head on the concrete floor. Alcoholism and its effects has wiped out his whole family, his father, grandmother, 2 cousins (one died one week ago in a car accident, yes he was drunk at the time) his brother - one year ago, and now him. I have had no experience with the disease, but it is obvious that it is overpowering. I feel sad that he still had me listed as his next of kin, seeing as tho we split up in 1998, due to his alcoholism which gave him the excuse to physically and mentally abuse me. But I tried to help him, I had him admitted to several rehab centers and each time he walked away. Finally, after 8 years of abuse, and when he put an axe thru my car with me in it.....I left. I feared for my life. He had controlled me and abused me for long enough, and I wanted out. I no longer felt sorry for him, as I had for so many years. Two years after that, I saw him living on the street, as a bum. I felt so sad, and sorry that I had left, because I was paying for everything. Due to alcoholism, he could not keep a job. I found him an apartment and paid for one month rent. I then called social services and told them about him. They even came to the apartment and took his application for benefits. Doing this, and knowing that he was taken care of, was somewhat comforting to me. After this I had no contact with him, sure I would see him on the street but that was it. My brother remained friends with him, because he had no one else. So why am I feeling so awful and so guilty right now. The hurt is so unbearable. I took care of him for 8 years.I guess I should feel happy that I did help him as much as I had, or he may have died even sooner. I just can't help thinking what if I could have done something different, but really I think that I did the best that I could. What happens to people when they have no family and they die. Who takes care of the arrangements, what happens to the body, do they cremate it, and then what happens. We really can't afford to give him a proper funeral. I know that he has no family, and as far as I know of, he had no friends, just my brother. Why the hell is my heart hurting so badly over this. The man was so abusive. He would hit me whenever I wanted to go visit my family. What the hell is wrong with me? I know that I am a caring person, but this man abused me daily, and I am crying my eyes out today, because he died. I can remember living with him, and wishing he would die. Any advice is much appreciated
overseas2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You say how is it a loss "this man abused me". Well yeah but he is still a human being. And this human being was your husband, whom you must have shared some good times with before he gave himself to the devil (alchohol). Anyway, your feelings of greif are ok. However, dont feel guilty that is not good. You should be proud of how you treated him after your break up. You are a good person. The state will bury him if you dont, but I dont know about the details of whether he will be creamated or not and how all of that is done.
YellowLioness Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 I think you're a very kind hearted person to help someone who abused you so. Just take heart in knowing that you did more then most people would have for him.
Matilda Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Oh, honey! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. What a horrible thing to have to go and identify his body. I think you're feeling so sad, because it is a sad situation. Alcohol destroyed his life, and he let it destroy it. That's sad. It sounds like you did everything you could do, and much more, please try not to feel guilty. I think logically you can see that you have no reason to be guilty. He was the one who killed himself. Go ahead and grieve for him. Grieve for the waste of the life he was given, grieve for what might have been if alcohol hadn't taken control of him. It's okay. Hugs to you, and take care.
Fayebelle Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 I lost my father to addiction when I was 5- feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I am very sorry for your loss
Moose Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 MM, I know what you're going through. This Halloween will be 3 years since they found my Dad passed away sitting naked on his living room couch with the air turned on full blast. His boss told me that when he came off shore, ( He was a supply ship captian for oil rigs ), that he looked real bad. He was real pale and his eyes were blood shot. He too was a chronic alcoholic. He also suffered from high blood pressure. He left my Mom when I was 3 years old. None of my younger siblings even remembered him until he re surfaced about 12 years ago. His mother and father had already passed and I was named next of kin. My wife and I gave him a place to live and even up to his death I've helped him out financially. None of my family wanted to help with the burial or to finish up financial debts and affairs still pending. So I cleaned all of that up. My mother was the only one who greived over him. I had him creamated and brought him home. My mom bought him an urn and now I can't get her to let me have at least some of his remains to bury him in the veteran's cemetary. I was kinda confused why my mom greived. But, all the time she'd been with him I'm sure they had some good times. Plus, all four of us are his blood. Maybe there's a connection there too. I don't know. I am very sorry and sad that you had to go through that. Alcoholism is a killer. It's a shame that your ex left that way, but the bright side to that is he's no longer suffering. Hugs to you
lexnmike4enomore Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 First off Im sorry to hear of your loss. Originally posted by Midnight Magic So why am I feeling so awful and so guilty right now. The hurt is so unbearable. I took care of him for 8 years.I guess I should feel happy that I did help him as much as I had, or he may have died even sooner. I just can't help thinking what if I could have done something different, but really I think that I did the best that I could. BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!!!! I went through the SAME EXACT THING with my Dad. Except his disease was heroin. I remember when i was 8 i say him walking along a highway with a suitcase. That was rough. But we always took him back, Until the day he died last year. I knew what he was doing to my brother me and my mom. Leaving my mother to work and take care of us. I never lost love for my father....just respect. At least now you dont have to worry about if he sleeping on a park bench. I knew that was going to kill my father. And deep down you knew that was going to be the death of him too. Its their choice. Just know now that you were right.
sinkerswim Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Im soo sorry for your loss...I think it would be normal for you to grieve, no matter how he treated you at times. He was a big part of your life for awhile. Take care of yourself.
Author Midnight Magic Posted September 3, 2004 Author Posted September 3, 2004 The really sad thing, is that I truly and honestly can not think of one happy time that we had together. This is even more sad!!!! Have I blocked it all away? Were there any good times??? What the hell, I can't think of anything? All I can remember is him being drunk, and not able to function. I really think that I stayed so long, was because I felt sorry for him. Obviously, I was not thinking of me. But that is just who I am. Someone who wants to save everyone! Or at least that is what my father would say! I can remember being 10 and bringing home every stray cat and dog in the neighborhood, and trying to find the owners and homes for the animals. All the rest I kept. I would mow lawns, and do whatever to buy food for all the pets. I never get any of my allowance, all I cared about was the animals. We had 5 dogs and 4 cats, and it drove my dad nuts, but he allowed me to keep them all. This brings a smile to my face, and today I really need one.
Moose Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 You are a classic case of a co-dependant. There are places you can go to to work on this. Again I'm sad for your loss. But if your co-dependacy is still a hinder to you, you might want to seek help. I'm not saying that you're sick or anything, but what you just said is classic.
Fayebelle Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 http://www.theagapecenter.com/Al-Anon/Canada.htm http://www.al-anon.org/ http://groups.msn.com/Alanon
Author Midnight Magic Posted September 3, 2004 Author Posted September 3, 2004 Thanks for the links. They are most helpful and appreciated. I am going to talk to someone today, to help me better understand why this is having such a huge impact on me. There must be something deeper. Thanks all for the input. I will keep you posted. I am especially thankful to you all, I never feel alone when I have you all. Thank you again.
Fayebelle Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Good luck MM- My thoughts are w/you and his family.
Scott S Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Sorry to hear of this. Try to remember that each of us is responsible for our own well-being. It's not your fault he ended up that way.
UCFKevin Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 Oh man...I'm so sorry to hear about this. You know you'll be in all our thoughts. Just cry your eyes out.
emra Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 I feel very bad for you!!! My heart goes out to you. The feelings you are feeling are normal and don't deny yourself to feel them. The father to my children killed himself it will 4 years ago on the 15th. He was a drug addict. One of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I denied myself the grieving process and covered it all up in drugs and alcohol. I went to treatment a year ago and 6 months ago, I just began to grieve. It is a hard thing to deal with. The guilt is normal. People might not understand it But it is normal. I have people coming up to me still today telling me to get over it and I can't. Up until I was in recover I help everything in and it is a bit** now trying to figure out why I still feel guilty. For me, I think it is because I think I failed him in some way. I think most people would. Just remember, You are a good person.. Let yourself feel. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. As long as it takes to deal with this, take the time. No matter what anyone tells you. Everyone grieves at a different level. Give yourself the time and be sure to get some sleep..
moimeme Posted September 4, 2004 Posted September 4, 2004 Of course you're heartbroken. It's a heartbreaking story. A perfectly good human could not manage to live a better life. 'It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important.' 'It is the time I have wasted on my rose...' repeated the little prince, so as to remember. 'People have forgotten this truth,' said the fox. 'But you must not forget. You become responsible, for ever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose.' Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Author Midnight Magic Posted September 7, 2004 Author Posted September 7, 2004 Well now that I done my crying, he is in a better place, and I am accepting it. My husband now understands why I was so upset, he knows that I am kind and caring personand that is just me. We had a nice memorial service for him on Saturday. The funeral parlour did the cremation, and let us have the church, and we had their minister give a blessing. And my friends and family got together and made a lovely lunch and we socialized for the afternoon. Because he had basically no family left, I invited my husband and his family and some other close friends and very kind people that I know attend. I just wanted some people to be there for him. I did meet up with one cousin and his wife, who immediately hugged me. I told them that I was sorry that I did not live with him and look after them, and they told me that given what alcoholism did to him, by destroying his life, they said that my life should not be also destroyed. I feel better knowing that I did the best that I could. They even told me that they would have never in a million years thought that I would have looked after the arrangements given what he did to me. And I told them that I forgave him, due to his illness. And I have accepted that. Life is what you make of it, simple as that.
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