Strange Problem

[Bastille13]

Hi All

 

I have quite a unique situation that I need a bit of avice/help with. 2 weeks ago my fiance and I had a bit of a fight over our differences. I was living with her and her parents so we could save up for a place together and also a wedding.

 

I left for work on the Monday morning and said Id stay at my house that evening as we like to give each other some space every few nights. That night she spent 2.5 hours talking to her parents about our relationship, without being me there, which I found pretty strange? However then she just did a complete u turn with all our plans and said over the phone that she wants to stay with her parents for another 2-3 years and wants me to move out and take things a bit slower. This came as quite a shock to me so I said I needed some time and space to digest all this.

 

The next day she text me saying I could get my stuff after work but nobody would be in. So I was a bit upset over this but agree'd anyway. I thought rather than talk/argue about it, Id leave her a note on her pillow asking why my feelings didnt matter and why I wasnt considered, so I did, and it was an honest note, I did not slag her off at all, I just questioned why everything had changed, I felt I hadnt done anything wrong.

 

Later that night she text me and said she'd got the note but wanted space to think about things. So a week went by, valentines day was included in this week and I had no card, no contact. Anyway eventually she text me and said lets meet in a pub to talk. A pub?? so I met her and for an hour she basically laid in to me, said the letter was the worst thing Id ever read and there is more to a relationship than what I want and what I need. I was a bit taken back by this but she gave me the ring back and said, Im not ready to wear this right now. Ill text you when we can speak again...

 

Anyway the next night , I got a text "ive decided not to continue our relationship any further" . I was blown away, a week ago we where engaged and now I was being dumped over a text. I was ringing and texting and asking what the hell happened. Eventually a few days later she text me saying her mum and dad have split up, her mum left on a plane and she doesnt know when shes coming back. Shes very close to her mum so this will be very hard for her to deal with. To me it seems like the two things together took their toll and she just could not deal with both.

 

I then got another text saying her mum is coming back for a week to look at houses and places to live. I asked what I could do to help and she replied with "right now I just need some space, please just let deal with this". Ive left it another week now and regardless of whats happened between me and her, Im very worried about her.

 

Should I contact her, Would it be ok to go see her at work on her lunch and just see how she is doing? Ive had no closure at all from our relationship but shes dealing with other things right now and I just want to be there for her.

 

Just to add, we arent kids, Im 26 and she is 24 but she has never moved away from home before and has always live with her parents so the loss of her family home is hitting her hard right now.

 

Thanks for reading, any advice is welcome

Edited February 27, 2013 by Bastille13

[Mack05]

I'm afraid as soon as she asked you to move out, the writing was on the wall. Engaged couples don't take steps back. They take steps forward together.

 

I think the living arrangements really didn't help. You have four adults under the one roof and clearly there were issues with her parents marriage. This just all added to the tension and clearly you ex couldn't cope. In hindsight, moving in with her parents was probably not a good idea. It's very hard to keep your identity in situations like this. It's all very hard to 'breathe'.

 

This line right here -> "right now I just need some space, please just let deal with this" is the ONLY thing that you should be focusing on..You need to leave her be. If you hassle her right now, you will push her further and further away. Please trust me on this.

 

She might come back, but the harsh reality is that she won't be back. Here is how you have to look at this. Logically. If you continue to contact her, when she has asked you for space there is a 99% chance she will never come back. If you leave her be and give her all the space she needs, then odds probably go back down towards a 90% chance she won't be back.

 

I know this is VERY hard we have all been there, but slowly but surely you will have to learn to accept her decision. You will slowly but surely have to heal and eventually move on.

 

You don't need closure. This is just an excuse to maintain the connection to your ex. Your closure is when she says she doesn't want a relationship anymore. if you wanted your 'help' she would still be with you. The below is something I quote a lot on this site. It is from the book getting past your breakup.

 

"I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

"I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours"

[Thunderchild]

She asked for you to give her space - so, respect that. You've done the right thing offering help and support. Now, just leave her. If she needs you she'll call. Until then - I know it'll be tough - but, let her work it out for herself.

[Mcnulty]

She's just witnessed the mainstay relationship of her life, (mum and dad) split before her eyes. Sounds like it's really affecting her and she may have thought to herself, "you know what, if this rel.couldn't work, what chance do I have of making mine work?"

 

She's probably lost a lot of faith/confidence in relationships right now and is stepping back, albeit wothout much regard for your feelings undfortunately..to do it in a text is a bit low, but she's obviously in turmoil right now.

[markus36]

It's ironic in a Alanis Morisette kind of way - i.e. not ironic (sorry)