36Degrees Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It's been about a month since my boyfriend dumped me, and I'm still finding it difficult to cope. It has gotten slightly easier, but not much. What I realized the other day is that I am scared to fully let go of him. We are in limited contact - we go to college together and need to occasionally talk about assignments so no contact was not an option. When we broke up he said the dreaded "I still care about you a lot and want to be friends with you". I agreed, as at the time it seemed to make sense. I was still in shock and not thinking properly. The thing is, I do still want to be good friends with him. Not right not obviously, as it's too painful and awkward, but sometime in the future I do want us to have a proper friendship. We have hung out briefly in college a few times since - I know now that this was a mistake to do it so soon as it just delayed my healing process each time. I am worried that me wanting to be friends is holding me back from healing. I feel like I am scared to lose him completely. I want him to still care about me in some capacity and even though we only dated for 7 months I can't imagine never seeing him or speaking to him again. I know that we are not going to get back together, that is not my aim with this friendship. I genuinely like him as a person and we have a lot in common. Our personalities are also quite similar and I feel like we sort of "get" each other (we are both introverts). If we never dated we probably could have been great friends. What do I do? Should I hope that we can be friends someday? Or should I just accept that I may lose him completely?
Derpderpleton Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 You need to stay NC, allow yourself time to heal. Once you no longer have feelings for him, then you can be friends. I'm in the same boat as you. Although my ex is a little immature at times, I still care for her a lot and don't want to lose her from my life. I work with her, so we have to maintain limited contact also. We tried to be friends immediately after our BU (she still thinks we that we are), but I just can't do it. I still have those feelings for her.
coloradogrl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'd like to be friends with my most recent ex. We haven't cut the ties completely (mostly my fault), but I know I cannot be real friends with him because I still have strong feelings and I'm so sad we broke up. Wanting to be friends will hold you back from healing - I am experiencing this firsthand right now! Here's a story about friendship: Another ex of mine broke up with me for another girl and I was devastated. I did some crazy calling him/texting him/yelling at him type stuff, but eventually went NC. Months and months later, he had moved to a city where my internship was and we somehow ended up getting lunch and it was great! We've seen each other about 5-10 times over the past several years for one reason or another (now in different cities). We are supportive of each other's new relationships and supportive of each other when we've had to end those relationships. This friendship only happened after we got over our own relationship. Moral of the story: It can happen, but not if you're looking for it to happen. Hang in there!
Soxfaninfl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) Why be friends? Why torture yourself? He dumped you. You weren't good enough for him. Why would want to be friends with someone that threw you away? Focus on healing and getting through this. Move on with your life. Focus on finding somebody that will love you for who you are. Even if you were friends again it will never be the same as it was before you dated. Plus, if your friends you'll be hoping that maybe he will change his mind someday. Why give yourself false hope? There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think of my ex wife and miss her, but I know I'm better off her not being in my life in any capacity. I'm focusing on trying to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. Edited February 27, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
EggyComics Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm good friends with my ex-ex now, she is one of my oldest, best, and trustworthy friends. She even gave me many helpful advice and comfort when I recently broke up with my ex. But did you know how long it took me to get to where I am now? 4 years of NC, two years of sporadic contact (maybe one or twice per year), a fateful reunion, and a new gf. Right now you are unwilling to let go of your ex because you refuse to believe that what you had with him meant nothing at all. OF COURES IT MEANT SOMETHING! You shared a part of your life with him, that has to be worth something! But right now, he doesn't need that, and neither do you. If you want to be friends with him, you have to first forget about him completely. And then even after that it's up to chance to decide whether you two will cross paths again. Even the best of friends who were never in relationships lose contact sometimes. I had a fall-out with one of my best friends 4 years ago and we never spoke properly again. So it's unreasonable to delay your healing process because you fear NC might make you lose him completely. Right now, I'm trying to maintain a friendship with my ex. But I know that my real agenda is hoping to get back together with her one day, and I know that isn't right. I'll be going into NC with her this month. As for my ex-ex (who is a great friend now), remember, it took around 6 six years and a chance reunion for us to become friends again. If you can, stop torturing yourself and start the healing process.
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