Best strategy for upcoming talk??

[april38]

So I need some good advice on how to respond in my situation:

 

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half, and lately he's seemed distant. So when I asked him about it, he shared his concerns. He told me that he cares deeply for me, however he has two major problems. First, he's the manager at my work, not my direct manager, but still in a position of authority toward me, and he's avoided dating co workers in the past because of it, but started dating me anyway because he really wanted to. However it still weighs heavy on him. Also, he's in a transitional phase of his life, lots of changes, not really settled into a home and trying to change careers, and feels that he may not have what it takes to be a good boyfriend at this time.

 

So, when he shared this with me, he took me out and we had a wonderful evening, and we spent the night together. The next day he texted me saying that he had a wonderful time and that he truly cares for me. So I replied saying the same, and asked him in so many words where this leaves us - is it goodbye, or does he want to continue dating me even with all of his concerns. Well, several hours later he accidentally texted me that he's conflicted and doesnt want to say goodbye, but needs to figure things out. He started to say that he needs to stop dating me, but then went to delete the text and call me instead, but hit send on accident. Well, I was asleep when I missed his text and call, and will have to get back to him tomorrow. So obviously I know what's coming, and would like advice on how to handle myself during the talk. I want to respond with kindness and love, but want him to be wishing/wanting to be with me. Do I agree to friendship? Do I agree to just take time apart and move on while he figures things out? I obviously don't want to come across as desperate and waiting around for him, but I don't want to completely shut him out with no chance for another try in the future. So, how should I handle it, what should I say?

 

Thank you all for your insight!!

[april38]

well, I didn't get any responses on this, but that's ok. I thought I would share what happened. I called him back this morning, and he dropped the bomb (knew it was coming) and told me that he feels we have something special that's beyond physical, but he feels he's not in the right place to be a good boyfriend, and knows I deserve more than he can offer. So I told him that people have to take care of themselves first, and that I completely understand and support his decision. He told me that when I say stuff like that it makes him not want to let me go. So, I told him he doesn't have to completely let me go, that we can still do some of the stuff that we said we were going to do together, and he said he would like that too. After the call ended, I texted him and told him that I agreed with him that we do have something special, and that it would be a shame to just let our connection/friendship go because it's rare, and that I hope that he does invite me into his world sometime and do the things we said we would.

 

It was hard to do, but I knew I had to stay strong and be a reasonable woman about this. I really like him, but agree that I deserve to have a man completely available to me, and not someone who's not fully into it.

 

So what do you guys think? Did I handle myself well? I'm curious what the male perspective is on this interaction, and future friendship??

[TaraMaiden]

Do NOT become a fWB.

 

THis is really what he would like.

 

he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship, but would still like to have you in his life.

 

Great.

Good.

Just don't let it be for sex.

 

Okay?

 

And please don't come back with "Oh, he wouldn't do that, he' s not that kind of guy, honestly, he has too much respect....."

 

It's been protested before.

By people who came back and subsequently confessed their confusion because they'd had sex with the guy, but he was still distant and non-committal....

[april38]

I wont, honestly I dont even expect to hang out again, we all know how that goes. I guess i just want to know if I came across as a lady to be admired or a silly chump? I just want him to remember me as something special....

[SJC2008]

Did he tell you early on, say within the first 3 dates, that his life was in "transition" and that he wasn't in position to commit to a relationship? Him saying he cares for you deeply this early in the game tells me he's either a sap who falls to easy or that he's saying it in hopes that you'll stick around in a casual situation because he knows you'll be hoping for more. This is assuming yall have had sex; You didn't mention this and we haven't asked so fill us in. If he really cared about you he'd tell you that he wants to work around this transition and would be honest about how much time he'd have for you and how long he thinks this transition will last.

[SJC2008]

Ok I read it again and seen the 'beyond physical' part so yall were intimate. He just wanted sex IMO, erase him.

[TaraMaiden]

I wont, honestly I dont even expect to hang out again, we all know how that goes. I guess i just want to know if I came across as a lady to be admired or a silly chump? I just want him to remember me as something special....

 

No, he won't.

And I'll tell you why.

 

because the things he says don't match the things he's doing.

He professes that you and he have something special.

 

If it's THAT special, why not really work to maintain it?

You sound as if you're in with that - but he doesn't.

 

Let me pick out the bits and explain what I mean:

 

lately he's seemed distant.

He told me that he cares deeply for me.

'Cares deeply' is not the same as "I think I'm in love with you'.

 

He's in a transitional phase of his life, lots of changes, not really settled into a home and trying to change careers, and feels that he may not have what it takes to be a good boyfriend at this time.

 

The perennial 'get out' clause. If things develop, he will pull out at some future date with this excuse. "I told you I wasn't good dating material!"

 

we had a wonderful evening, and we spent the night together.

The next day he texted me saying that he had a wonderful time and that he truly cares for me. So I .... asked him where this leaves us - is it goodbye, or does he want to continue dating .....several hours later he accidentally texted me that he's conflicted and doesnt want to say goodbye, but needs to figure things out.

So this is AFTER the sex.... he must have felt like this before the sex, but he still had sex with you anyway, even though he knew he may not be 'boyfriend material'.

 

He started to say that he needs to stop dating me,

I want him to be wishing/wanting to be with me.

So already, you both want different things....

 

Do I agree to friendship? Do I agree to just take time apart and move on while he figures things out?

 

Why should you?

Why should you suspend your life and hang in Limbo, while he takes... what? A year? 18 months? to figure things out? Really?

 

I called him back this morning, and he dropped the bomb (knew it was coming) and told me that he feels we have something special that's beyond physical, but he feels he's not in the right place to be a good boyfriend, and knows I deserve more than he can offer.

 

Bullschytt.

 

This is the slightly jazzy, dressed-up "It's not you, it's me" crap. If he really felt there was the opportunity to build a future with you, he would go for it.

 

I completely understand and support his decision. I told him he doesn't have to completely let me go, that we can still do some of the stuff that we said we were going to do together, and he said he would like that too.

I guarantee it - I feckking guarantee - he's imagining that the sex will be included.

 

You do not 'completely support ' his decision.

Not one bit. That's not true....

 

I want him to be wishing/wanting to be with me.

 

You want him to feel a lot more for you than he does. You're just agreeing because you want to look compliant and increase your chances.

 

told him that I agreed that we do have something special, and that it would be a shame to just let our connection/friendship go because it's rare, and that I hope that he does invite me into his world sometime and do the things we said we would.

I would be very careful about making assurances of this kind.

Your 'something special' isn't remotely the same as his 'something special'.

His is based on being placatory.

Yours is based on (sorry, but it sounds like) desperation.

 

How about you inviting him into YOUR world?

 

Why are you playing this entirely by his rules?

 

I deserve to have a man completely available to me, and not someone who's not fully into it.

 

You got it sister.

And he's not it.

But he still thinks he's in with the opportunity of a bit of bedroom fun. I can almost sense it....

 

So what do you guys think? Did I handle myself well? I'm curious what the male perspective is on this interaction, and future friendship??

 

Friendship with someone whom you are emotionally invested in, is neither a practical nor good idea.

 

If you work with him, keep all contact at work on a completely professional, 'detached' level. This is business, and only business matters are up for discussion in business.

 

If he feels

he's the manager at my work, not my direct manager, but still in a position of authority toward me, and he's avoided dating co workers in the past because of it,

then your relationship at work must be utterly above board.

 

(interesting that he's avoided dating co-workers in the past.... does that mean he's seen opportunities and been tempted? Doesn't sound too 'special' does it?)

 

As for anything else, I would have a talk with him, explain that 'all bets are off' because he has given you no schedule, no time paremeters, no positive signs. So perhaps it would be best, having had time to think it through, that you guys agree to go your separate ways, and simply keep your relationship confined to work.

You have a life to lead.

Don't suspend it for a "it's not you, it's me" guy.

[SJC2008]

There's nothing wrong with seeing the potential of something special blossoming after 6 weeks in but it shouldn't BE something special 6 weeks in, there's a huge difference. It takes time to get to know someone and for their true colors to show, approx 3-6 months by most peoples estimates. Like TM said, his actions didn't match his words. While there's no bullet proof way to judge someones intentions, actions matching words seems the closest to it. I dated a woman who said she didn't want a r and she initiated a lot of contact and was plenty available for a woman who wanted to date around and didn't want an r. Her actions didn't match her words but I liked her and thought she was "coming around", she wasn't. I don't want an R + plenty of dates and contact = I was a fill in to ease her pain. I won't be so blind next time.

[curlygirl40]

Tara's post is right on the money.

 

Don't put your heart in harms way. It's way too hard (btdt) to try to be 'friends' with someone who you are emotionally invested in.

 

There's no way it will end well for you. Whereas he gets the benefits of having someone there when he wants it, and you're getting more and more emotionally invested by the minute. It will crush you.

 

And when it does, he will ALWAYS have the 'out' of being able to say to you 'I told you I couldn't do this'. Men (people) have a way of putting out a warning and then when the other person doesn't heed that warning they figure they did their job by putting out the warning and if you get hurt, then it's on you. Keep that in mind.

 

Maintain your dignity and move on. He will have more respect for you that way, then in the future if he is ready and seeks you out, he will remember how you handled yourself. You have upped your worth that way and he will respect you for that.

 

And I am kinda calling BS on his excuse. When a guy is crazy about a girl, he will move mountains to be with her. If he was crazy about you in that way, these things that he says are standing in his way wouldn't be standing in his way.

 

If you hang on and just take the breadcrumbs he's giving you, then he could lose respect for you since you're so willing to take so little.

 

A relationship cannot be based on that.

 

Good luck. Move along.

[april38]

Wow, well I guess I read this guy all wrong. A couple of things - we have known eachother for 2 years at work, and have had many conversations prior to him asking me out, (and boy was he nervous when he finally did). I know he has admired and respected me in the past, and was drawn to me based on who I am. The first several dates had no physical contact until he finally admitted his attraction to me, and we fell into each others arms. Also, based on his demeanor at work, and the way he caries himself, he really seems like a straight shooter, someone who has been kind and honest. He has shared with me many intimate details about himself (even though he's a very private person), and the general consensus of this guy (from people at work) is that he is a really sweet, honest and stand up guy. Maybe I'm wrong, and he's just a jerk, but it doesn't seem that way.

 

As far as the sex that night, it was after he explained his concerns, and it was my initiation. I'm not exactly a babe in the woods, and he's got a big something special down there if you know what I mean, and I wanted to give it another whirl even knowing it may be our last time - am I so wrong to enjoy sex?

 

It's been asked if he was upfront about his transitional phase in the beginning. Well, I knew before we started dating what was going on in his life, so yes he was honest about that. When we started dating it was casual, and there was no expectation of us becoming a couple, but things were moving in that direction, and he realized he couldn't handle it, at least he couldn't handle it with me. He's an over thinker, and gets lost in his head (so he says) and has been struggling with his desire to spend time with me, and his need to focus on himself (so he says).

 

I know that if he was falling in love with me he wouldn't haven't chosen to cut me loose. And honestly I wasn't falling in love with him either, but he is a fascinating person, a good person (I thought till your posts), and I was really enjoying his extreme talent (his huge you know what) :-)

 

I think at this point I will cut the communication off and let him go. I just wanted to make a graceful exit so he will keep me in his mind. But it sounds as though it doesn't matter how I exit - he's not going to care anyway???

 

BTW, I really appreciate the time you are all taking to read and respond to my situation. I know it takes effort, so thank you!!

Edited February 27, 2013 by april38

[TaraMaiden]

Well.... As always, updates tend to lend a new slant on things....

Basically though, my response remains the same.

 

Unless you would be prepared to have a FWB relationship - and that WOULD complicate the work situation - my personal opinion has changed little insofar as 'waiting for him to figure things out' stands.

 

Cut your losses, and don't remain hopeful.

 

Do not sell yourself short, or settle for something in bits, rather than the whole deal.

 

Be cordial, be professional - but 'free' yourself from the obligation of waiting in the wings.

[curlygirl40]

I didn't re-read all of the advice you got on this thread before I replied again, but I don't think any of us are saying that he's a jerk or not a good guy.

 

He's being honest with you about where he's at in his life, it doesn't make him a bad guy. And we're just trying to keep you from making a mistake because you're not listening to what he's telling you.

 

You're reading between the lines of what he's saying and sometimes making excuses because you feel something for him.

 

Not a bad guy. Just not ready for a relationship with you.

 

Someone said something to me a while ago and I really took it to heart.

 

People are generally selfish. They will do what's good for them and hope they don't hurt anyone in the process.

 

So the only person who can protect your heart is you. He will not do it for you. And not because he's a jerk, but just because even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he is still attracted to you and will still take what you're willing to give.

 

After a miserable marriage and a difficult divorce almost 3 years ago, I am now ready for a relationship. I have been through the phases that you go through and now I'm ready for something real. In the past 3 years I have met several men who have said to me 'I can't be in a relationship right now' and I went along for the ride because I didn't feel ready to be in a relationship either. I fell in love with 2 of them and was heartbroken both times.

 

Believe me. When they say they can't do a relationship, they mean it. I would run faster than Forest Gump at this moment if a man says that to me again. Because I know what I want.

 

Best of luck.