Maxmix Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 So I have been married now for 5 years.I would describe my marriage as mxed bag of some sweet and some real bad times. The core problem with our marriage was my MIL. My FIL is dead and my MIL uses this as an emotional blackmail by saying she is ALONE.Her constant interference in our lives and my husband felt the need to oblige her/keep her happy and do all it takes to see her happy. the first couple years was really hard on me. We just knew each other for a little while before we got married.Needless to say I was not my MIL's choice of what her DIL would be types... Anyways, I feel my husband atleast the first few years blindily believed my MIL.Which gave her so much control over our lives. She is really manupilative, lies endlessly etc.. always creating fights between me and him. I must confess our marriage was not strong in the first place to ve come all that she did. My H would blindly trust her and fight with me over petty stuff like why I didnt call her[even though I called her, but she lied to him saying I didnt etc]. energy drain kinda thing. For couple years I and my husband lived in diffrent cities, I went to school and he was away at work. That was kinda the ideal ground for her to create more rifts among us. Then I thought my marriage was not getting anywhere.. my husband would say he felt torn between me and his moter and it was not possible for him to keep us both happy. Somehow I thought prolly having a child would change the equation. It would make him focus on US rather than give her so much importance. We had a beautiful baby, Through out my pregnancy she would hardily talk to me, it was still difficult for my husband to see my point of view, while as always he would easily trust her. It is not that he didnt care for me. He took good care of me, all my needs etc.. but it's this stuff priorites that had him messed up. After my baby was born and I started working, I did see a little change in him, but There was a lot of anger and bitterness in me over the past yers of weak marriage. I felt like I had failed in my marriage despite my strength. My husband even toward the end of my pregnancy was at times so insensitive everytime he spoke to my MIL he was so different to me. Things got much better after we moved to our new place, closer to my work. But honestly The past negative experiences had taken a toll on me. I would often fight and blame him for all that happened. I told him I would leave him if he did not put me and our family ahead of his mom, that would mean talking to her infront of so that way she doesnt get to interfere in our lives and needs to know only as much neccessary. He agreed. We did it a couple times, his mom would cry on te phone just to gain his sympathy CRYING Somthing she was soo good at and I could NEVER shed a tear inspite of any hardships. So though he started complying to what I said to talk to his mom infront of us, but due to the fights, anger etc.. I told him I didnt want to talk to my MIL. He didnt talk to her to over 2 weeks. But later he felt that I WAS RESTRICTING HIM TOO MUCH WITH MY RULES and what does he do... He goes to get BJ from a hooker on his way to home. Just to piss me off as I had told him that Infidelity is the only thing I would not put up in our marriage. I came to know about tis accidentally while going thru his messages.I confronted him he confessed and said he was sorry. He said he was mad at me for many reasons one of them was MIL issues. But said he would be devestated to leave me and my baby. as he could not live without seeing her.I think this was his first time. He swore on our daughter too...What should I do.. I would summarize my H as immature person who has difficulty recognizng people/their intention or else how could he let my MIL hv so much control over our marriage.He now atleast understands my point of view when I sit and tell him. But I feel deeply hurt by his actions. I so much want to give up on our marriage. Pls guide.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It has been 5 years and he has never put you first or his child first, that tells me he probably never will. Your MIL has played the part of the OW in your marriage, and like an OW when a man has an affair, he has to make a choice of either you or her. Sorry to say, but if he really wants to you back he must go NC with his mother. I know this sounds extreme when it comes to a family member. I have a friend, whose wife had an affair with his older and well loved brother. He had to cut him out of his life, and his family had to understand, that at holidays they had to chose, one or the other, there was no option for both. 4
jf2good Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 What I am reading is that your both at fault and in addition to your dysfunctional marriage he cheated. From my personal experience, my wife and my mother got into a tiff and because of it I had no contact with my mother for years, yet my wife still blamed me for not telling my mom to F@ck off and yes it was my mother's fault, but to me no contact was enough but it was never enough for the wife. What I am trying to say is there will always be different expectations between what you want and what he is willing to do since she is his mother (wrong and all) so give it up, you can't win that battle and shouldn't fight it. I wonder you said you fought with your husband. Did you verbally abuse him? Was it a two way street? I always took the abuse from my wife and never fought back. Living apart was also a mistake, you can't have a happy and successful relationship alone. The adding a child into this mix only added fuel to the fire. I am surprised that neither of you cheated before this time as your marriage is unhappy and unproductive. Have you all had counseling? Don't use counseling as a blame game it won't work, you both need to state your problems and ask for solutions. It may be too late. I think it is beyond counseling as your husband is weak willed and you and his mother both want to wear the pants in the marriage. Being weak willed is perfectly fine if not in a relationship with controlling, manipulative people. 1
Author Maxmix Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 It is beyond the scope of thhis place to mention what all he did under my MIL influence. My MIL instigated him and he ended up fighting with me in FRONT of my parents and he called the police to SCARE me. Ofcourse when one goes through such traumatic instances is bound to be sour. I was 9 months pregnant I have nothing left to leave him then. Later he felt terribly sorry for all he did and apologized to all. Was I verbal in my anger?Yes I told him many things when I was angry as to how he blindily follows his mother's commands?.BUT Let me mention everytime when we were not fighting I would sit down and tell him to do his DUTIES as a son. But to not let her interfere in our matters. Would you consider that manipulative?. I know he is weak willed. But do I just let her do stuff only coz she is THE MOTHER?. I want to save my marriage for sake of my daughter. but i am so confused will counselling help CHANGE his true nature?. Since the cheating. He has begged,cried pleded to stay and be able to see our kid. For now I have asked him to stay away for some time it shuld help him atleast now look at what and how he want to deal with ME and his MOTHER and then STICK to it without regrets.
jf2good Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Will counseling help = YES IF... He realizes he married you because your just like his mother and for you to realize that your like her as well. OMG the shocker. The once you both realize that fact, he then needs to change his behavior and not be manipulated by you and his mother both. Honestly it will be easier for him to change than either you or his mother. She has no interest at all in changing. He needs to do No Contact with his mother as hard as it may be. Even with NC, it is unlikely she will change much. Now comes back to you. Can you take a back seat in the marriage? Can you not verbally abuse him? Can you forgive him for cheating and not bring it up ever again? He knows he did wrong, he just doesn't know how to fix it and he won't need you constantly telling him, he will need to work with a counselor to rationalize his life choices and make better ones on his own without you or his mother telling him right from wrong. I personally don't see a positive outcome and a healthy one for your daughter if both of you don't drastically change.
Author Maxmix Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Thank you for your words of wisdom JF2good. But plssss do not compare me to my MIL. Honestly you cannot fanthom the amount of lies she says just gain attention/sympathy.eg.. My husband tells her that I really did well at school with my grades while being pregnant as in 100/100 and tht she should try can talk to me etc.. My MIL calls me while I am at school [lecture] and it goes to VM. I call her back the VERY SAME DAy after school at night. She talks pretty pleasantly to me. BUT she goes and tells my Husband that she left a VM and I NEVER BOTHERED TO CALL HER BACK.What does my Husband do, blindly trust his mom and fight with me for not calling. Honestly I am incapable of such manipulation.Many more... anyways...BTW what makes u say I am manipulative?. Please be precise.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 jf2good Why are you jumping to conclusions? Twice you have accused her of verbal abusing her H. And with your last message acuse her of manipulating her husband Please explain
Gunny376 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 There are people that have mental defect. And there are those that have 'emotional defects' And there are those that are what I call "Emotinal Vampires" that if given their way? Will suck the ever-loving life, embodiment, spirit and soul out of you. Per my experience? It seems to be more women that do this than men simply because women are more emotionally in-tuned with their emotions than men, (And thus more vulnerable to (To coin a phrase ~ " Their emotions!") Your MIL sounds like and seems to fit the MO ~ modus operandi," Latin for method of operation. The pattern of behavior which is typical of how a particular offender commits a specific type of crime. Example: An offender who always wears dark glasses in the commission of a bank robbery. I firmly believe in K.I.S.S. ~ "Keeping It Simple Stupid" I don't allow my children's, my grandchildren (They're still too young for such) not my step-children dirty glass of water to spill over into my and Mrs. Gunny's life. They know this ~ Mrs. Gunny know this! I simply won't allow it. Your business is your business! Handle your business! I don't get into my childrens business ~ and I won't allow them to get into mine! Just that plain! Just that simple! I believe each and every individual should have a code and a compass to live by. We've each have to find our own moral compass and develope our own personal code. I can and will 'man-up' to pretty much any and everything in so long as it doesn't violate my moral, ethical, principles and the law? In pretty much comes down to a mentor of mine in the Corps? Master Gunny "C" came home and found his DS15 giving his wife a ration of BS, hate, discontent, misery and just plain old greif about this that and the other. Master Gun's was a hugh man ~ much of a man ~ a mountain of a man. 6'8 and every pound of it! He walked in his DS and the wife going at it! He grabbed him by the belt, and shirt collar and begin playing 'wall-ball' with him eventually jacking him off about two feet or so off the floor and told him: "The THING you need understand here is that she may be just your Mother? But she's also MY WIFE! I will seriously hurt you and put your happy azz in a SERIOUS hurt locker! For your own sake? I hope I've painted a clear pretty picture in your head as to the 'pecking order' around here! GOT IT! DON'T ON YOUR LIFE EVER FORGET IT!" :mad: :mad: 1
jf2good Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) Manipulative? You said you had a baby so that he would choose you over his mother, you stated that he said your rules were too restrictive and so on. Should have been the the rules we agreed to needed to be changed..... Maybe that is just my view of manipulation. The real problem I have expressed is that his is weak willed and needs to do NC with his mother, but that alone won't fix the problem. You are obliviously hurt and angry at him. People say I am blaming the victim I am not. I am stating the facts as hard as it is, you will need to let go of this anger caused by his mother and him being weak willed. It is Physiologist that say men marry their mothers. With a weak willed person that is absolutely true in almost in most cases. I am not saying your exactly the same as his mother, no two people are the same but he married someone to replace his mothers role in his life, but she didn't let go. This proves she is a crazy old bat, I just don't want this situation to turn you into the vindictive EX wife. When I asked about verbal abuse I asked if it was a two way street. I don't see any indication from your post of any physical violence going on, but with anger we either internalize it and act out in other ways or we verbally or physically express it. Like I stated from my own personal experience I had to do NC with my mother. That hurt my children as they had no grandparents in their life as my father was dead and my wife's family is in another country. Even going NC, my choice, never fixed my mother totally and my wife never forgave and forgot about my mother which is one of the things that helped ruin our marriage. One of the other things is my wife always bitching I was not a leader in the marriage, it just that she never accept my form of leadership she couldn't take the backseat or even a co-equal role, she couldn't control her verbal abuse and her maniacal control over the children. I am not saying you are like my wife or you husband is like me, just from my experiences I see some of the same issues in your relationship. So when I asked the questions above about can you do certain things if he fixes himself (I doubt he can) it is because these are the only things you can control if you keep the marriage. You can't make him strong willed, you can't make him do NC with his mother, you can't do much of anything, he needs to fix all of that. But I truly believe you need to answer those questions to yourself, if you can positively say yes I applaud you as being well in control of your life. As far as his mother she is a lost caused, he needs to learn that ASAP or he will never have a life. Edited March 2, 2013 by jf2good 1
Author Maxmix Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Well as far as the baby goes Yes one of the reasons was for US to become a family and get the focus on US over anything else/including MIL.Some other reasons were my growing age, My MIL's constant [sarcastic] comments[in regards to my previous unseccessful pregnancy that my husband couldnt keep it between us and had to tell his mom about it and all she knew after that is compare me to every even ovulating lady!!].I will totally take that as manipulation if it be. Yes my husband was physcially abusive few time needless to say everytime inregard to "protact my mom against the world".Yes my husband lost his dad at a much early age, even more reasons for her to still hold on to my H without respecting her boundaries/interference. Why did I still stick around inspite of it?.I loved him, still do. He cares for me otherwise,every single thing.It;s this MIL that makes him a diffrent man altogether. He once told me my MIL has issues ALMOST with all her own family and my FIL's family. once my MIL's brothers/mother etc came to my H home and they wer having somthing like a verbal spat, everyone supposedly accusing my MIL in respect to somthing WRONG she did.. Bt all my H tells me is then he felt this intense urge to "protect his mom against all". As far as verbal conflict/or even discussions go, my H has NEVER felt comfortable Talking about his mother any of her shortcomings AT ALL. He right away changes the subject. But he will talk/listen to what his mom has to say abouut me mostly Bitching/ill things about me. How can he let her do tht?.I dont understand. As far as NC with MIL goes...I told him he could talk to his mom but it has to be infront of me; past 4 years I let her talk to him almost everytime, secretly they talk, for hours, and after he talks to her he acts so diffently.Reason why I told him to talk in front of me is tht I want to make sure she doesnt get away with lying,crying, and getting her way done every single time. She didnt even call my H when our Daughter was born, the first thing my H did whn my baby was born is even before hugging me took pics and texted her!!! BTW she lives in a different country, but she is always present in our house. she knows everything tht happens in my house, EVERYTHING.What bugs me the most is she is soo callous, she NEVER has done her duty ANY. She didnt bother to EVEN see my daughter [inspite of my H's persuasion to see her atleast on Skype]. Yet he loves her like crazy ... Anyways after the recent incident; I had told him to move out atleast for sometime;so tht he can thhink properly and undrstand what he wants to do.He agreed initially but then he came back and cried alot and was liek He didnt wanted to stay away frm me or our daughter. I may even forgive him but wht I fear the most is after a whiel when he ll start missing his mom he will think it's coz of ME tht he has to stay away from her. Then tht passive aggression... For now he accepts tht his mother has done many wrong things and most our fights revolve around those... I am even ready to forgive him for all but would be utterly unhappy if he thinks it was a mistake of any kind in the future..
Recommended Posts