Author Kate Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 you guys are the best. i am having just a bitch of a time! i'm near NYC actually....kerrie, try sending me a private message and i'll check out your website later on. unfortunately i have "work" to do at the moment. but i will just that last night i was SO close to calling him/stopping by. a nanosecond away...and i'm so glad i didn't. it was a weak moment, AND i had 2 drinks in me.......please continue the feedback, it really helps a lot you know. i'm so sad he probably won't even care i'm not talking to him anymore feels like a big waste of sharing/caring and love so to speak. i hate not knowing the future. i want him to regret this, that is all. even as i move on.... by the way wanton where do you live?
guest Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Hey Kate - I can't send you a private msg without logging in and, although I'm registered, I haven't been able to log in. I think there's a firewall through my office. And I guess that the loveshack site won't allow for me to post my email address or phone number, so I can't leave for you here. You're doing GREAT! Chin up. I know that you're having a tough time but it HAS to get better. You should go back and read your original post as to why you are doing this. You've got to get back to who you once were and you can't just snap your fingers and do so without any type of growing pain involved. It sucks but you are worth it!
Author Kate Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 well, today i got a text from him and it said, "20 year old __first name _last name?" well he is referring to a kid i went out with a few times in the summer when he needed "space". so what? but now, i have no idea what he heard or what he thinks...and my heart is racing. i just sent him back a text that said, "what about?". what do you guys think? the last thing i want him to think is that i am a cheater or something. i don't konw what to do. i think i'm going to call him right now...any advice before i pick up the phone? if i can even wait that long...
WantanS4 Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Ahh.... GIVE HIM SOME OF HIS MEDICINE... LET HIM TASTE IT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS!
kerrie71 Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Okay...I re-registered...but I STILL can't send you a Private Message. You may have disabled private messaging when you registered. But I think you can PM me....I set up my registration that way. I'm leaving soon, though, so hurry if you want to get in touch. Otherwise, there is always tomorrow.
evergreatful Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Kate, Relax. There is nothing wrong with you!!! He has completly messed with your head!!! I have been going though something similar. Guess what? (I've said this before on this thread) It was your reply helped so much. You gave EXCELLENT advice. Listen to yourself and your heart it knows what is best!!! In my opinion, you made the best choice you could have ever made. I know it is hard. I just broke off my relationship and I think I am in more pain than she is. He is no good for you Kate. No good. Just relax. Ignore any phone calls or SMS messages for a while. Give you and him TIME. Again Kate, the relationship is no good. It is going to take a long time, I'm not going to lie. But in the end it will be the best thing you have ever done. Take time for yourself. You seem like a really interesting person with A LOT to offer. You speak 3 langauges!! Go about your life and you will meet someone who deserves everything you have to offer. He sure didn't seem like he did. You have everyone here and I'm sure you have a good support group of friends. Look even Wantan has invited you to dinner, haha!!! I work only 2 hours from NYC....I'll offer to take you out too!!! I'm off to a meeting but keep us updated. I'll post again. I'll leave with a quote that has helped me... "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover." – Mark Twain
Hurt Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 We feel worse than they do because the are angry, its been 3 mos for me and I have done all I can to get her back, she is now dating, the reason we feel this way, is that at least me, I feel guilty for leaving her, and all I seem to focus on is her great parts or times, but taking them back is going back to the same place of being hurt in a relationship, we are also lonely and that a big one.
Author Kate Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 well against the advice of others, but with my good intuition, i had to finally buck up and deal with things. i went to his house and he answered the door. he was not yelling, defensive, but willing to listen. i broke everything down for him. the first thing he wanted to know (he said it was MORE important than the fact that he heard i hooked up with another guy) was why i just suddenly stopped calling him. he said that he was disappointed that his text about the other guy was what it took to get me to talk to him. i told him flat out that i was just going in circles and in such turmoil in my own head, that i didnt want to think, see or hear him at all. i said i had reached a point where being respectful was no longer important. i let it all out, in a calm and effective manner. he wasn't even inquiring about the other guy at this point. i talked for an hour, and he just listened, like he always did, but this time a little more. here is what he said in response to EVERYTHING i have told you all on this post: "kate, the problem i see is that we started out with a friendship and slipped into a relationship. neither of us were looking for a relationship, but that's what happened. i knew i wasn't ready, but we both fell into it (this is exactly what happened, i myself didn't even want anything in the beginning). i am disappointed in myself because if i thought about it as a relationship from the beginning, i wouldn't have approached a courtship like that. i regret the way things unfolded, and before i knew it, you were getting upset for things i didn't understand, but i understand them now. i feel guilty about things because if i had pursed the relationship from the beginning like i would have if that's what i was looking for, neither of us would feel this way. so many times i asked myself why i couldn't be more of a boyfriend, and something i battled with. we had a rough beginning -- you wree living with your mom, which made you very crazy, and then i had a hard time supporting you emotionally on top of everything else. a month prior to dating you i came out of a 4 year relationship. my mind was not ready but i kept telling myself things would be ok. obviously, they weren't because i never did things to make you happy. before i knew it, things were already so difficult with us and you were so unhappy. i was honest with you and told you i needed a break...i just moved out of my house a few weeks ago, i am trying so hard to get financially stable -- i don't feel safe right now. i feel like once i can just get on my feet, everything else in my life will fall into place. i could care less about dating, that is the last thing on my mind. i don't know why it is so hard for me to focus on more than that, but as a guy i don't feel safe. i don't know how to multitask right now, and everytime i'm with you i know i am disappointing you but i just can't seem to get it right. i don't want to be away from you, but i am just trying to get myself together." this is more or less all of what he said, and he was crying inside i know, and had tears in his eyes and kept looking away when he had them. he told me he loves me very much, and that it hurts him too -- because he feels guilty about us being his fault. he said he feels like he was between a rock a nd a hard place, as he is trying to hard to get HIS life together, and to make me happy when all i want is a full-time boyfriend. i realize, guys, that he has been telling me all this for a while....and i kept expecting things from him. the one thing i thikn i held onto with him is the fact that he is very very straight forward. i realize that this is hard for him to tell me. he said he would rather risk losing me that keeping me with the way things are right now. so, what am i to do? curse him for being honest? for the first time i really believe him. i made my jmind crazy before because i just could not ACCEPT the truth. he simply can't give me what i need right now, and our track record has indicated that clearly. i now realize that i simply need to accept what he has given me. i have never suspected him to tell me sometihng just for the sake of it...and i am the one who has kept myself hanging on. i haven't wanted to accept the truth, as it was so hard for me to imagine not seeing him each day. the only tihng that makes me feel better is that i truly know that this is not a matter of me being good enough for him, or him looking for another girl. i know based on our friendship previous to this that that is not the case. as far as the other guy i hooked up with is concerned, he said his roommate's gf used to date the guy!! and that the guy was going all over towns bragging about his minor conquest with me. he said "all i want to know is that it was when i had asked for a break in the summer" -- and, it was. i said it was -- and he said ok, that's all i wanted to know. he dealt well with it, and i asked him about anything with other girls. he said he had a drunken makeout session with a random girl, that was it. and, honestly, i don't care. i did it several times and i don't think given our history that that was some objective of his. so how did we leave it? well, i told him that i know we can't be together right now, that i can't expect anything from him. but that i don't want to erase him from my life. which means, if one of us has to call the other (he is not a booty call type and never has tried to sleep with me during one of these conversations.) then we just do. but i am finally able to move on with myself. i do'nt want to acccept this truth, but it can't get any worse. i have to make a decision to just accept it. i can't explain here the goodness and honesty of our conversation. some of you will say it is bs, but i choose to believe him rather than be bitter -- i wouldn't have dated him in the first place if i thought he was a total liar. if anything, i thikn it took a lot for him to say all of that to my face when i know he would want to be with me if only i didn't need things he couldn't give or if only he had the capability to devote the time and attention i need. he said all he wants to do is get on his feet again, and he is just starting. all i can do folks is move forward and date others. i can't bank on him anymore, and i can't put myself in a position where i am constantly disappointed. i can't cal him expecting him to act like a bf when he has clearly laid it on the line for me. i feel that he was so clear and communicative and honest in what he told me. he has never ever wavered and said, "well, i want you...no i don't...." he has always been honest, but i have been the one to make plans and keep him around. obviously he wanted to be with me, but all the other stuff is in the way. so, accepted. the good tihng is that i can let go of any guilt i had. he said my actions and needs never pushed him away -- they just made him realize how much he has to grow and if that means risking losing me, it is better than having a rough, unfulfilling and distracting relationship. and he is right. i have just wanted him to be what i have needed and i have had a really hard time accepting that. i told him that i am ready for a serious committed relationship. i have been single for a couple years, have a steady job, and live on my own. he, on the other hand, had just gotten out of a long serious relationsihp, just moved back in with mom, trying to run his own company, and trying avoid bankrupcy, etc. if you match these things up, they are factual, black and white. it's up to me what i want to do with those facts, and before my heart just couldn't believe those things and i accused him of messing with me. i feel so calm and good now. i realize i have no choice but to let him go, and i feel great because i saw it all in his eyes the emotion he has for me. it's not even a question of another woman, feelings changed, etc. that makes me feel good, and i felt so empowered during our conversation. i didn't cry and didn't feel weak. leaving him alone for a week was the right move indeed. i don't kjnow what else to say other than i thikn it's important to just accept what the other person tells you. even after he told me all this (he didn't just come out of the blue, i was consistently unhappy with him and started needing normal things that he wasn't giving) i continued to act like he was my bf, and then become disappointed when he didn't give me those things. it has taken me a while to really believe what he has said, but i must say, his story has not changed one single bit. he has said the same things over and over since the beginning. he said that i shouldn't feel bad about my feelings or anything else. so yes, here i go, i didn't lose anything that i didn't already have. part of me is excited about dating others, and i will no longer idealize a situation that i MYSELF am trying to create. avoiding the truth will drive you nuts, and i now realize all of my pain came from my inability and refusal to accept the truth. i just didn't want it to be true that we couldn't have things right. i no longer feel taken for granted, given his disposition tonight. i'm also very very glad i told him everything. he didn't break eye contact with me once except to look away when he had tears in his eyes. he said that he is the one who feels worse here, wanting something and failing because he isnot sure how to do it. that is when he was tearing. he said that if anyone feels bad, it's him as he feels tremendous guilt for something he wanted with me a long time ago. bad timing. i used to not believe it, but it's the damn truth and now i can accept it. and i accept his honesty, as well. i realize i contrived a llooooot of things in my head that weren't even true, just to hate him more. i worded tihngs in my mind in such a way. i acted in a way that made me feel like he was taking me for granted. and i learned a hard lesson -- listen to what your s/o is saying. you may not like it, but it is the truth and sometimes it's just hard to accept. i believe that if the timing was differnet, we would be most most perfect together. i feel that each time i see him. we have never ever argued, yelled or disrespected one another. the most disrespectful thing either of us has done is just not return calls. if that's the worst, i don't feel so bad. i must now simply accept things for what they are -- and appreciate the fact that he has given me a black and white honest feeling ( i think he is more of a man for that, most guys DO string you along, i am the one who did that here as he tried to tell me numerous occasions, understanding it was just so hard to stay away because of the friendship). i thikn the best tihng about us is the friendship. that has kept the communication open and that's wher eit is. it's time for me to move on. i can't try to control the future anymore and i must accept that either he is not the one, or perhaps in a year when he is more together he will feel like he can support himself AND a serious relationship. hurts like hell, but i'm just gonna get myself out there and forget my expectations. they are simply not realistic. does this sound like closure? i thikn so....comments..?
Cade Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Kate, I have been reading and following this forum for about a year now, trying to regain my composure and trying so hard to analyse the other as you are. I have been following your plight for a couple of months now and I totally understand your situation. I have tried to pm you with no luck like others have. I wanted to send you some feel-good, got-your-back messages as I feel you have stood your ground and were doing sooooo well. Like you said, maybe it is time for us to only listen and not just hear what our exes are trying to convey to us. She always stated that I was only hearing what I wanted to hear, she was right. It is over, I need to accept it as you have and move on as sad and hard as that is to accept. I hate the fact that I may not hear from you any more on here as it appears as if you have acceptance now but I would still like to know how you are coping with things to help me along the way as well. PM me Kate or email me at Talk to you soon Kate, we can help each other help ourselves and that is what this forum has ingrained in my mind. We ALL need each other and are no longer strangers as we are all sharing the same humanistic issues here. Good luck to all in their plight as well!!! Cade
Author Kate Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 i don't know why my stupid pm thing is messed up!! listen, all i realized last night was that it's time to stop thinking about how i feel and face reality. i was so hung up on the situation and in limbo because it is truly confusing -- he looks at me like he is in love, and we both have the most amazing butterflies, friendship, EVERYTHING. so it just didn't make sense to me why he needs time to get his act together. maybe i need to stop being such a control freak, take it for what it is, and start dating other people. when he finally reaches his solid ground, i am sure he will want to share that with me -- and so what if i have moved on by then? i have no control over that and have been letting my fear of the unknown take over. if we are friends at that point, so what? i feel that in some ways he has been much more realistic about this whole thing than i have. it must be hard for him to love me but not be able to multi-task, as i explained in my last post about him. the only reason i can move forward with some confidence is because i no longer feel that this break is about ME, about what i DID or DIDN'T do. i can move with no regrets. he said HE is the one who feels guilty, and why would i want to prolong something under the current circumstances? i need to stop picking it apart, find a guy who CAN give me what i want, or just be alone. i have always been FINE alone anyway. i have no control over this, and i realize i was fighting with my EGO -- not him or us. my ego couldn't accept that another person might not be ready for exactly what i was. you know, i could see his pain yesterday. right through to his heart. sometimes you really DO have to let someone go if you love them and just accept what they are telling you. at THIS point, he certainly has no reason to make things up anyway! if it was another circumstance or he wanted other girls or lost all his feelings for me, i know he would tell me -- what the hell would he have to lose? i realize he was forcing himself to be ready when he is broke, trying to start a business, and living alone for the first time EVER. i don't care what anyone else says, these are stressful things and he needs time to iron them out. the more i leave him alone, the more he will respect me as a friend/or gf in the future if we really want to be together. in the end, this could be the best thing to happen to me -- all of the concerns i listed here about him and the doubts i have about his personality in general can all be tested while i test the waters and go my own way. in the end, if my feelings never change for him, i will KNOW he is the one. in essence, he's doing me a favor as well as himself. i'll keep everyone posted here. my plan of action now is to just MOOOOVEEE...forward, sideways, whatever. i know he will call me every couple or few weeks, it's just the way our friendship was and i am the closest person to him. but now that i have a different perspective, and know what i must do, it will not affect me as it did before. there is no more use in fighting the simple reality of the matter -- he needs to find himself and i don't like it because it hurts. at least he told me how much he loves me, etc. i think he explained himself very well (as he HAS for the last 4 months) only this time my pain has gotten so bad that i am chosing to LISTEN.
WantanS4 Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Hmmm..... How does one deal with the idea of being just friends with the ex... and go home at night wondering who your ex is sleeping with? I can't get over that.... for some reason..... and that's why I wouldn't want to be her friend... cause we could be having a great time... and then... when it's time to go home..... I know I'll be going home alone. how do you deal with that? How do you get over that? That's why I don't want to be her friend.... I dread the idea she's with someone else.... not because she's happy... but because it's not me......... Is that bad?
Author Kate Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 i think it depends on how she left things with you, what her reasons were. in my case, we were arguing consistently over what he WASN'T doing for me. deep down, i KNEW he wasn't ready for a fully committed relationship given where he is at in life. i know it has NOTHING to do with dating others, but that was my concern for a while because we weren't getting along and i feared that he was questioning our compatability. but after talking to him yesterday, and him saying that it has nothing to do with "us", i can finally listen to what he is saying. you can't control who they will be with, what happens. in my case, i know now it is impossible to have a relationship with him because he has tried to be with me and it just isn't working right now. i know from our past that it clearly isn't a matter of him dating around or finding himself. so even if he does date someone else, i don't think it would be because he is unsatisfied with me -- he is not happy with ME not being happy. never once has he mentioned wanting to date another girl. in his mind, he doesn't want anything to do with dating when he can't even get himself together. all that matters is what they tell you and it is up to you to draw the conclusions. i realize right now that all i can be is a friend to him, and i have to be strong enough to draw my own boundaries. i trust him as a person, and that's all i can do. the situation is not as i would like it to be, but he has been honest about his capabilites, and why would i want someone right now who can't reciprocate? he can't, so i will go on with my life or find someone who will. he has never played a game with me, i just haven't wanted to hear what it is he is saying. make sure you get your s.hit stragiht with your ex. if she wants a "break" and it has nothing to do with outliers like in my case, then you have no choice but to move forward no matter how much it hurts. even in my case, i have no CHOICE but to move forward. i have pined over him and waited for him, making the mistake of thinking that it was something i could change in myself to be better for him or make him more ready. he is not, end of story. you can't rush anyone. after seeing him yesterday, i understand the full scope of things. letting a week pass was helpful. letting time pass with nc is wonderful, it really puts things into perspective. seeing him yesterday felt like we fell in love again, as we seem to do each time we see eachother -- that is the pain and confusioni of it all!! but i got such confirmaton of his feelings forme, even without him saying anything at all. this is when i realized what the hell am i doing. he is not going to be ready no matter what i do...i have tried it all!! life is not fair, this is not fair, it hurts all day every day. but this is God's way of preparing me for something better -- be it with another person, or him in the future. i think this way -- if i can feel soooo much for him NOW, through this crap, and he can feel the same for me, then maybe something amazing later on in life can happen for us. only time will tell. i don't know how i will cope with this, but i must say yetserday gave me peace of mind. my only advice is to LEAVE THEM ALONE. the more time you give them alone, the more platonic you are and straightforward you are, the better. you must do for yourself, and yesterday gave me the green light to go ahead and date others. i realize it may be a long while before things come togther for him and we can have a more solid union. maybe i'm not supposed to be with him, no matter how much i love him. but the point is for me, if i AM supposed to be with him, imagine how much stronger i will become?? and him, too. he is not good for me right now. i can't stay and expect things to change when neither one of us has control over the situation. let it be. somehow yesterday just gave me the strength i need when i saw his eyes and the tears welling up in them. he is hurting too. he has been open and honest the whole way and i have no suspicions or questions -- only when i was hurting, as i kept TRYING so HARD to hate him to just forget about him. it's easier to move on when you are angry, you konw. i feel good right now because i really respect the way he has dealt with this, and realize a lot of my pain came from my own emotional confusion. i am trying to LISTEN, not just hear him. he has always listened to me, i have always talked. sometimes you have to look insdie of yourself to really listen to someone else, even if you HATE what they have to say. that's life and the truth hurts. this hurts so much but i have already reached my bottom. once you get there, there is truly no where to go but up. this is why i suggest a true heart to heart with your exes, and if they won't give you that then they are total worthless pieces of s.hi.t. why bother?? even though i hate that he can't be there for me, i respect him as a man for the way he communicated with me yesterday. this sucks.
WantanS4 Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 I tried the heart to heart thing (at least 6 times)... and each time ended with me losing it on her (yeah.... i cried)... with no concert conclusion. Then I called her one day and I got this: (which is posted elsewhere).... ------------------------------------------------------ "So I decide to throw it all in... and call her. She answers.. she's.. 'busy'... working?.....'no... shopping'. Not good. 'Will call you back.....'... okay are you sure.... 'yeah'..... she's lying!.... 10 mintues later...the hell with it called again.....'What is it? Can it wait!?'.... no.... 'what is it?'.... just wanted to know how you are... 'im okay.....'...... i miss you (yeah... i don't play games!)...'what is it that you miss about me'...... everything...... Just wanted to ask why you met me for lunch...... here's where it gets good... She claims... because she whole-heartedly wanted to give me a chance to see if i've 'changed'.....well when someone kicks you in the balls like that you kinda hafta change so it doesn't happen again..... so i claim i have... she says no it's too soon.... she says i haven't 'gone through enough'....... hmm....... she says it's too soon for her... and at this point she's 3/4 hysterical screaming that she can't take it...... i stop her and say...... 'why are you yelling at me? you say i haven't changed..... but i'm not the one yelling here... and how are you going to know if i have if you won't don't spend time with me?"...... to which i get....'no.. no.. you haven't healed enough... you need more time.... so i say 'uhh.. i'm okay...'... she goes off on 'I wanted you in my life... and i wanted to be a part of your life.....I wanted to start out as friends... and see where it goes from there...... ' she adds.... 'no you haven't... you need more time to heal..... i need more time....... why does everything have to be your way??... i don't want that.... i want things to be on my time......'...... that would explain why i failed those wo years of college when we went to the same school....... somewhere in the conversation she says...'i don't want to hurt you again'... is that guilt i detect? of what? what does that mean? of what?...... in the end she screaming...'I CAN"T TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW!!! i have to go....' .... she hinges on hanging up when i throw in..... "will i hear from you again?"...... "YES BUT NOT NOW.. GOODBYE!!"... Weirdo... absolutely she's done lost all her marbles and claims i'm the reason. what the f*** is going through her mind?" __________________________ So... I sit here and wonder, does she still love me? Is she just supremely pissed because I was honest enough to tell her I went out for drinks with another girl before I graduated (which was THE ONLY TIME... and NOTHING HAPPENED!)? Her main points have been: - I don't know what I want - How do you I know your the one?? You need to give that to me.. - I don't think love should hurt soo much.... - I'm the type of person who can get along with anyone so long as I'm happy - Don't you think we're just suppose to be friends..... we fight too much..... it wouldn't work if we got married - I'm going back to school, and I don't want to put that financial burden on you.... - I don't want to have to choose between you and school - I can't face your parents/family - When asked if she's happier with her friends than with me: No... of course not... it's not the same... but it's a decision I've made and I' have to live with it - When asked if she's affraid of losing me: Yes, but it's a decision I've got to live with - When I tell her I don't want to 'be' with anyone else: Find someone else to talk to... not to sleep with... just talk to - When I asked her if she wanted me to dissappear(this was during the lunch we had prior to the above conversation): '...... (long pause)..... I think it is the best thing you could do right now....." So... where do I stand? I don't know...... like I feel one thing one day... and the other the next. I'm not emotionally all there... so I CAN"T GO OUT AND DATE... because that's not fair to the other person. Am I a safety net? Does she love me but believe I've hurt her too much? She obviously thinks she could do better, but really... can she? She claims she met me for lunch because she wanted to be my friend... she wants me in her life and wants to be in my life..... but then.. why on EARTH did she say that the best thing for me to do would be to vanish when I asked her?????!?!?! She wants to start out as friends... and take it from there.... with all that has happened between us... I CAN"T DO THAT...... you can't erase the past..... all i have is the GOODTIMES STORED IN MY MEMORY.... i don't WANT to remember the bad.... and it seems that's ALLL SHE STORES...... I'm not happy... I'm not.... I try to be... but I'm not.......you realize how much of a confidence killer this is to someone...... and I want to move on... but god.dmanit..... 6 years is hard to wash away.....
Author Kate Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 listen wantan. you do have an answer. she is not ready to decide you are the one. YOU are the one that needs to make a decision now. i KNOW how hard this is!! i am going through the SAME THING, just different circumstances. yes, 6 years is hard. so is 6 months or 20 years. forget about how much time and effort you have put in and think about the present. i have been back and forth with my ex for months now. and he gives me the same answer, each time. it has been up to me to leave him and let him be -- answer if he calls, but go on with my life. i have NO other option. i wish is did. i have NO options except to live my life now. i am sick of clinging to him. he loves me, of course he is going to say "ok" when i want to hang out here and there. but it is my problem when i get upset. you don't have to see her, you know what she wants and needs right now. she needs to figure things out. it is very hard from our point of view. but like i said, i reached my bottom. go back and read all of my posts. i'm exactly where you are. but this has affected my job, my life, i was addicted to this website and my inbox. forget it. you have to realize that she may not be the one for you now or ever. this is REALLY REALLY hard to accept. my heart bleeds every second for him and every second i am away from him. but that is why i said have one final heart to heart, even if you know the answer. it will just be accepting the truth that is so hard. i was in denial for so long because when YOU feel one way, that is the only way you are capable of percieving the situation. well guess what? i LOST. and so did you. so what. nothing we can do. you are confused, but don't be confused with what she needs. once you can't get out of denial, things will look up. so many people told me that he was not ready. even him. but since i was so in love, i focused on what went "wrong", why, etc. the answer was and is right in front of my face. he is not ready. but all i could do is think, "no, how can that be?? all the time together...all the good...impossible! i am the best catch for him!!!" i wasn't ready to move on so i didn't. i am not ready to move on now, but where am i going to go?? i can't do this anymore. you will reach your bottom, too. you are really NOT confused, you are upset and angry and miss her. but try to talk to her like a FRIEND -- consult with her like i did to my ex yesterday. the truth hurts, but at least you know where you satnd. if she says you are not the one right now, you are not. your feelings are clouding your decision making process. i'm not telling you to move on -- i'm telling you to move out of the state you are in. trust me, i am still struggling iwth it. but you have no contol. stop fighting with your ego, you will lose. you can't make a person change their feelings and needs. if you were with her for 6 years, she knows you. she knows both of you. you have nothing to do or to prove to her. you just want what you want right now. ACCEPTANCE has been my roadblock. accept it and things will change for the better for you in ways you didn't dream were possible. my ex is not playing a game with me, though i allowed myself to feel that way because i didn't UNDERSTAND him and where he was coming from. yesterday when i finally ACCEPTED the truth, i feel i can move FORWARD -- not on -- but i wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life. but i finally reached reality ... if he is not capable of giving me what i want or need right now, i don't want him. if i am unhappy, HE is unhappy. he WAS willing to be with me but warned me of his current state. i tried that with him. i wasn't happy. the only way i will be happy is when he is 100% with his own life, the way that I am right now. and, guess what ? -- he is NOT 100%!!! God bless him, when he gets there, maybe we can start again. listen take it day by day. a lot can change. it was only 1 week since i didn't talk to him, and when i saw him yesterday, it was like our worlds were on fire again. that is how it is every time we are together. but there is something always missing -- his life. he is not together, and he TRIED to be with me that way! and it hurt me! let her do waht she needs. you do'nt want her right NOW, and you certainly dont NEED her right now. she needs herself and is probably stuggling more than you are. you know what you want, she doesn't!! hows that for uncertainty? i'm not saying feel bad for them, but be realistic and think intellectually not emotionally. FIND AN EMOTIONAL SUBSTITUTE and you will begin to see things for WHAT THEY ARE, NOT HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE.
WantanS4 Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 I should have never walked into her job that night six years ago...... I would be better off in life...... That's why it hurts, because I HIT rock bottom in my life for this/us... I gave it my all, everything..... and just when I think I'm out of the woods, I get sucked back in. This by far is the greatest loss I have suffered thus far. As I walk away from this.... it's hard for me to believe in love.... I can't.... "love has made me a fool.....it set me on fire and watched as I floundered".... boy does ms. mclachlan have a way with words......... Oh..... I'm going to be single for a loooooooooooooooonnnnnnggggggggggggg time. Not a game.... I don't know about that...... maybe she is....... then again... maybe she has confused herself. Who do I blame.... myself (10%)... her (40%).... and her new friends/mother (50%). They will regret this....... not that i wish it upon them....... but they will........ i'm not a bad person... demanding... a bit.......but only because I have soo much to give....... May god be good to us all in the end.
Author Kate Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 wantan i so feel your pain. but please read my last post AGAIN. don't skim it. i think you are hurting more over the what ifs than you are the actual facts. every day things change. love isn't written in stone, and you may not lose her forever. you can't live life with expectations, THAT is what i am trying to learn. right now, even with all that i say here, i EXPECT that we will be together, and that is wrong -- for ME. life is most fun when you don't expect. i know this sounds absurd with all of the pain you are experiencing...but trust me, you will find a way. i have also been going through that -- one day i feel "ok" -- the next i am not out of the woods any more. wantan, you must request no contact with her. this sounds slimy, but the ONLY way i got myself out of the woods was by regaining SOME control -- i did that by one day vowing to never return his calls. and it worked, though the situation got a little fumbled by him finding out about a guy i went out with a few times. but, that week that he was wondering.....trust me, i saw the pain in his face. it made me gain some self-respect back. i will not call him anymore. he will find his way. i think the best thing you can do is find some control for yourself. you sound like a control freak like me. find some wierd way to get your control back and you will have a different perspective on this. break the f-ing cycle any way you can. JUST DON'T CALL HER. listen, i had my friends RIPPING my phone out of my hands. i hid it on myself before i went out for drinks, and i turned it off after work. do whatever it takes to 1) not call her. then, 2) start gonig out with other friends. even if you are miserable around them, the slow process will make you feel empowered. you must go through these motions though, or you WILL NOTMAKE IT. you must commit yourself to feeling better any way you can. forget about long term or dating. just do not pick up the phone. you can't lose more than you already feel you have. take my advice. last week was the hardest of my whole life. i didn't call him, and didn't pick up when he called me twice. i did this out of the blue. the element of suprise confused him a bit. and when he saw me again, i knew he still felt so strongly for me. but, i didn't do the stupid thing and ask to work things out. i kissed him, smiled, and left. he konws i am in love with him. but he also now knows (thanks to the BIG fat mouth of that guy) that i will not wait and pine over him! if he wants to call me, i will pick up to maintain a PHONE FRIENDSHIP, but ONLY because i am READY for that now. last week i wasn't, and look how far i have come! i will not initiate nor accept plans. i am putting myself on a schedule - -they say it takes a person who is on the fence a FULL 60 days to really know how they feel about you. i will not see him for 60 days. at that point, I MYSELF can decide if he is even something i want to feel out again. i may enjoy ME again. some people go through a period where they HAVE to seperate themselves from a union. it is NATURAL. i myself have done it to others. it's ok. it means that she is giving you SERIOUS thought versus just up and leaving. take it as a compliment in a sense. if my ex was half serious about me, he would do more than the bare minimum to keep me as a piece of as$ and that would be it. it's not you -- she needs to find HER again. and when she finds her, who are you to say that you are what is best? she will know that and you will feel so much better knowing she did it in an honest and natural way. trust me when i say that time heals so much. even a full week. leave it alone. give it the 60 days, then revisit your thoughts. in the meantime, the BEST thing you can do is fall in love with yourself somehow, and find an attractive object of affection -- i know, you don't even WANT to look at the opposite sex -- but you are chemically constructed so that you won't have a choice in the matter! your mind and body will choose for you!! so you must go out with friends and notice others. even just a casual conversation. she has to know you have a life, and so do you.
melizza1971 Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 [color=violet][/color] I am proud of you. You made a great decision for your future. Life is too short to not be happy to the maximum extent that happiness can take you to. Unlike what you have gone through my light bulb has been on for a long time. The only thing is that my person in my life is trying to break it for me. I try and try to get away from him because he is a real dr. jekyl and mr. hyde, real nice and affectionate one day and the next a real abusive mean and ugly person. I try to leave him but he hunts me down like an animal and threatens to kill himself and at times he has mentioned to harm me. I posted something about my situation and I guess I am just looking for someone to give me the answer but I think there really isn't any. On a lighter note It really makes my day when other women stand their ground and become the real women they should be looked upon as. Everyone deserves to be treated right. No one deserves anything less than happiness everyday. Its a terrible feeling to have sadness in your thought everyday. The way to stop it is to get rid of the problem. And if that means getting rid of the man in your life. . So be it. We may have a temporary time of feeling blue but you get past it. Just look at all thats ahead of you. There are so many people to meet out there and sometimes its just a change of environment that we need to find that true love or maybe he is all ready there and you just aren't paying attention.
Author Kate Posted September 13, 2004 Author Posted September 13, 2004 yes life is too short, and i'm disappointed in myself for wasting so much time and energy on a ****.ty person. the more i think about the last talk i had with him, the more ANGRY i get. but do i have a right to be angry? because he FEELS a certain way? i suppose i don't have any right to be angry at all. i just can not accept that he wouldn't want to be with me. i dont understand it. sometimes i understand it intellectually, but never emotionally. my heart doesn't understand why EVERY SINGLE time we see eachother after a week or so it is as if we are madly in love. but then if i try to see him the next day or even a couple days later, he is totaly foreign to me. obviously he is a little boy who can't handle real love or a real relationship. the saddest part to my whole saga is that i know he loves me. i know part of him would like to be iwth me, but as he has sai dover and over, he doesn't know how. tha tis a bunch of crap. every time i waas upset or insecure in the relationship, he turned his back. every time i got mad, he got madder and more distant. everytime i confronted him on my feelings, he backed away a bit and said he wasn't ready. but then a few days would pass, i would see him, and it was like new again. this has toyed and toyed with me. i finally asked him last night what he wants. i said, "tell me what you WANT -- not what you think". i said, "do you want this to be over?" he said, no i don't want this to be over for good...! what the hell does that mean? THEN, he said, "i see this (us) going on forever. i don't think it will ever end" he said it in a way that we have unfinished business. he said if he was ready than things would be different. so what happened to my whole acceptance speech before?? i guess i just can't understand -- if you love someone, you never want to be without them no matter what. the whole reason he and i were not gettng along is because he didn't support me emotionally. and he didn't know how. i am n ot a high maintenance woman. i am highly communicative and mature. he didn't even come close. i don't know what i am complaining about, this is something i knew all along but ignored becaue things were so amazing when we were together. it was the reminence of what he would leave me with when he was GONE, though, (feelings of absence, lack of communication of his feelings) that killed me and ate me up over time. i hung in there cause i had faith in him. last night i felt shoved aside when i went to see him for what i guess is the last time. i shouldn't have been roped into his STUPId text last thursday which made me feel guilty and that i had to go talk to him. cause it started a whole other nasty cycle which i was in this am. i stayed over his house and he barely acknowledged me. when we woke up this morning he said nothihng, rolled over and ignored me like he has done for the last x weeks at hand, except when he misses me a lot. as soon as he has my validation and emotion -- knowing i am not over him -- he reiterates that he needs to be "alone". it's funny, a few weeks ago when i WAS hanging out with another guy, my ex seemed to be quite interested in knowing what i was doing and with whom. funny how as soon as they know they have you that all changes. guys, i really think this is a big freaking game. i can't blame my ex 100%, as it is human nature to want what you don't have, but God DAMN him for not appreciating me and my womanly offerings. damn him to hell. what i look forward to is my own personal vindication, tell all of you on here in 2 months how i have moved on and how he has not, and is still stuck in the same place. he has never had structure in his life and never will. no wonder he couldn't "multi-task" with me and with his poor finances. not my fault. i tried to help him in every way possible, and whenever the going got rough in our relationsihp, he took the high road because he didn't know what to do. drama is a part of human life, and he coujldn't deal with it on the smallest level. i wish i had a looking glass into the future and i wish i could forget about his sorry ass.!! overall though, i must say, i am slowly getting him out of my system. he said to me, "this relationship has been hell on earth. all we do is argue. why do you want it?" how frustrating. the only reason we were arguing is because you never opened your eyes. but then he tells me that is waas all his fault, that he wasn't ready in the first palce. that he would have takne such a different approach had we not been friends first. this guy is probably not capable of much in life, much that is not "easy". i told him he is f-ed up in love and lazy. i have never said anything like that to him before, and it felt good. i also told him that he would be sorry. i made him look me in the eye, tell me he wants it to be over. that he wants to be alone. i cried a little and told him i didn't know why he was doing this, that all i wanted to do was be with him. this guy doesn't know what he had, never did, but i can guarentee you that he WILL. but deep down i know he will always be too chicken shi.t to go after anything really worth having. nothing WORTH having in life is easy. relationships (GREAT ONES, i believe) DO take work, despite what my remarried father tells me -- that things just come easily. i think they just come easily when both partners are WILLING to see eye to eye, to make it work, and are READY. my guy is not and that has been indicative of our failed attempt to have a relationship. why why why..
WantanS4 Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 This is great... I can identify..... Doesn't it jsut piss you off how someone can sit there.... and send you mixed signals.... and hold up the ENTIRE line of LIFE.......... and at least your dealing with a guy... if you were dealing wiht a woman... she would be hating on you for edging/forcing her to MOVE HER A$$ and make a decision. Now.. Kate... you know how I feel.... you advised me to move on... it's not that easy is it??? No...No... i'm not criticizing you or saying 'AHH... you were wrong'.... but now you realize how difficult it is just to throw in the towel. From what you've written bottomline is that this guy..... or should i say boy... doesn't know which direction to run in life..... and BELIEVE ME... one day... he'll realize "DMANIT!!!!!!!!! I missed up....."..... but we're taking too much risk by hoping it will be soon. I tell you... from what i've been told... the day you actually move on..... THEY COME RUNNING BACK TO SUCK YOU INOT THE STATE WE"RE IN NOW! .... but..... that's life........ SOOOOOO............... I think you should literally back up... look at yourself.... look at him.. think about having kids with him... think about what would happen if he did this too you when your married and with kids................ NO WAY................ NO WAY................. this dude is likely to sleep around on you..........because 'he doesn't know what he wants'..... or because 'i'm sorry... it was a mistake'............. if he gives up now... he'll give up later! what we need... being the supposed 'control-freaks' taht we are..... are CONCRETE people... people that don't bul.l.shi.t..... people that don't play games and absolutely HATE playing games... people like us.....
Author Kate Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 i am going to post this on the cheating/infidelity area as well. lieterally copy and paste. how do i begin. i have met and been with one of life's most ugly, scary monsters. from the depths of hell. after some researching and a NAGGING NAGGING gut instinct that has been haunting me for months, i found out yesterday of at least 2 other women he has carried out a relationship since day 1 with me. this male -- so INNOCENT looking, so reserved...so HONEST seeming. he is disgusting. i contact the 1 st poor girl and she showed up at my house vomiting. vomiting. she had fallen in love with him. he has been sleeping with both of us now, sometimes the same exact day. no condom. sick, predator. i am at a severe loss for words. i never would have imagined this, even if someone told me. he is the best liar i have ever ever come across. we showed up at his house, poured paint all over his car and practically broke down the door trying to get in. the coward was cowering in his room. we even hid in the basement, hoping he would come out. he didn't. he filed a police report against me. the nerve -- after all of the PAIN. i mean, you guys have been following my posts. my sincerety. my whole-hearted approach. his "time and space" WAS clearly to get out of the woods for a while and sample the goods. you could never understand the straight-faced lies he has told me. how can i put this on paper? words can't describe. they can't describe the depths of my pain and suffering. he is not human. he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. he does not care and never has. he put my freaking health at risk. before him, i was fine...now, who knows. HOW could he do this? HOW does an actual human being look you in the eye...tell you they LOVE you...smile...and say that things will never end? how do they get that kind of trust from you? how could i know? i thought the eyes always told the truth. they lied to me the whole time. i am so broken right now. help.
Lettie Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Originally posted by Kate and by the way, he never ever showered me with a gift once. i never ever got a flower or a card or a note. or a nice gesture that he brought to my house. he took me to dinner ONCE. and that was it. mostly i paid cause he was broke. we never had a real date, a proper date. he took me to the movies once. and never even offered to put gas in my car when he used it. nice!! Kate, I have been reading your posts and I have to say that you deserve a million roses. You sound so generous and loving... I see myself in some of the things you describe. I, too, was in a long relationship where I was the giver and he was basically the taker..Oh, I was given the occasional gift, but possessions are not where its at for me. I gave more of my heart and soul than he did... sounds like this was the case for you as well. It all hurts, lord knows it does. And badly at that. We deserve so much more, but settled for less in the name of love. I'm still in love with my ex.. and he is now coming back around and he KNOWs how much I love him... I feel (and see) that maybe he is just giving me false hope.. but your wise and heartfelt posts are helping me put things into their proper perspective... so you did a good thing by sharing your experiences... not only is it good for you to vent, but your words are benefitting others.
ntovrhm Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 That really sucks Kate. But now you know exactly who he is. Many people don't find out about that stuff.
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