Breaking the cycle of HOPE

[ntovrhm]

It sounds like you are right on about your assessment of the situation, and although it's hard, you are doing the right thing by avoiding contact for right now. Just keep reminding yourself of that . . .

[Kate]

thank you both. i DO know deep down it won't work, because he has never had to work for me. people can do whatever they want, it's how hard they want to reach to get the prize.

 

i really need the affirmation that i am doing the right thing. by staying in contact with him, i was in a lose-lose situation. right now, i am in a win-win. i already lost him, even when he was right by my side. i once put someone through that pain, and i feel horrible about it now. i was confused and he was my first love. but things are different with my ex and i now. he has already had his first love, me mine, and it was never a question of feelings dying. it was getting along and meeting simple needs. either way, i need to give my ideas a fair shot. it is never a good time to make a break for it -- holidays, graduations, parties and promotions are all good "reasons" to stick it out. funny enough, his ex gave him nothing in the sense of excitement or anything to look forward to. he was bored. with me, he is overwhelmed. go figure. sounds to me like he just doesn't know what he wants even though he conveys that sense of self.

 

thanks, doubledown, for telling me you hope he doesn't lose me to appreciate me. unfortunately, he has forced me to make the only decision i can. leave. he wanted to keep things lose, not give me what i need, because he would miss me toooo much being gone -- but couldn't bring himself to do the things that our relationship required. i wonder which one he will choose -- the path of least with no companion, or the path with a struggle and a great love? i don't think the choice should be his anymore, and that's why i am removing myself. i know deep down this isn't right, and you are right -- he was ONLY unhappy when i was unhappy!!! shouldn't that tell him something, though? i think being on my end is much harder. he knows what annoyed and hurt me and just repeated those things. at least we had a conversation about almost each thing. maybe things will resonate as i am gone.

 

i'll keep you guys posted. i really need the support to make it to my 60 day goal. today i almost cracked. i also feel like if he calls i will pick up this time. i don't want to do that. if i can just make it to the weekend...!!

 

thanks, your help is greatly appreciated...

[Hurt]

I broke with my gf for the same reasons, its almost as if I was expected to do things for her, never really would say thank you, she lied to me 2 months into the relationship od where she would be on a sunday and I found out she was going to har ex bf house, was I hurt???!!! this went on for 10 mos, finally 2 mos ago, she is asking me to never leave her after she broke with me week prior and came back crying, I took her back and 3 days later she tells me she would be busy on Thurs, it turns out she was going to her exs! I had enough of low self esteem and the insecurity this caused in the lack of trust! I left her, then for the past 2 months I felt guilty about leaving her and I wanted her back! What am I thinking?? Well today after spending 2 months dying to hear from her, I ran into her at the gym, there she was...her two daughters and yes a man! I am done!!! life is what happens when you are doing other things! Like you Kate toaday was brutal, but I also saw was able to see that she had moved on and hear I am crying for 2 months! what a waste of my heart!!! Yes I am a man and yes I cooked for her, sent her rosesetc...never once did she give back to me, I am dying right now, but I am going to never lose a day with her in my heart again!!! How could she have a new bf?????jesus!!! she told me she loved me everyday, but her actions were self, self centered all the time. She knew that the crazy contact with her ex was hurting me and yet she did not care enough! I hate HER!!!

[Kate]

thanks hurt, and i am so sorry for what happened to you. don't worry, things were happening to your personal growth during the 2 month period == and imagine if you HAD gone back!?? at least if my ex doesn't want me back for GOOD i know he won't try to get me back. he is very straightforward at least, and in the time that we were breaking, etc., he made it clear that's what it was. yet he has messed with me in other ways whether he knows it or not. it was like when he wasn't working, and none of his friends were around, we stayed together. when he decided it was "over" and he needed a "break" the first time around, it was conveniently during his busy work season, AND when his cousin who is is best friend moved back into town. it was much easier for him to forget about me for the meantime. i then noticed after a couple weeks of not seeing him that he missed me. he only seemed to miss me after about a week at a time, and that was not enough for me to hold down a relationship. it was good enough for him, though. probably because it was summer and he was going out and meeting other girls.

 

he is 26, and lives with all recent college graduates. enough said right there! his friends are all losers, most of which are engaged. he is the better one of the bunch. i feel for him because he never went to college and didn't experience that whole independent thing...and was in a relationship for 4 yrs before me....but i am digressing totally......

 

my point is, it seems that exes take their breaks at times that are more convenient for them. my ex was with me 24/7 until he got occupied by other things. every time i feel like contacting him i come here and it helps. he hasn't heard from me in a week now. in that time, he has only called me twice and not left messages either time. i am figuring that he won't call again at all....and if he does, who knows. i think he will get it that i am fed up. why am i worrying so much about him?

 

hurt, thank you so much for your post -- i just learned something very valuable -- my ex is probably not pining over me at all. like you did, if i am to feel sorry, it will be totally useless. i will not feel guilty. i think the guilt is more of an excuse to miss him and call him. i hate him for the way i feel right now. i am missing him sooooo much tonight and i don't even know why. i suppose if he really wanted to be with me he would forget his stubborn act and drop all of his pride. it will come to that i feel, but only if i give it long enough. i must also remember that just because i am feeling remaining feelings of love, he may be just feeling relief. what bastards.

 

please continue to post here, your story helps. i will be stronger and not feel sorry for HIS sorry ass. he is so stupid because i am the best thing that came his way. and he doesn't see himself at all. if he had, things would have been workable.

[Hurt]

Seeing her with another man and her two girls, beat me up, but I knew she would be there and in some insane moment I felt that if she saw me she would want me? she has a boyfriend!!! That fact that you are hurting is normal, but be sure that you, me understand that maybe they are already done! I wasted 2 months on her hoping every day that she would call and want me, as I treated her with complete care, some people are just not ready for a good honest relationship, I am right now thinking of what part I had to do with all this! When I met her she spoke of her ex and that she still loved him, as we progressed ahe told me I was the one! How funny that at the beginning of our first summer together she decides her ex is more important? I and you Kate need to not waste time missing great days and meeting new people, life goes on for her and for yours and so must you learn from this and the next time you will pick a giver and not a taker! I mean how long can a person feel less than they are based on your lovers treatment? The good news is that I was going to propose to her and take on a 2 and 3 year old, thank god!!! it did not happen, it would be hard!!! to lose then. Move on use your intuition and not your heart for the next months, trust your intuition and not your heart, your heart in alone and demanding the past feelings, kissing, words. sex, sleeping the morning, even when you where happy in heart, your intuition was destroying your emotions your intuition was always talking to you. My intuition tells me right now that I should never contact her again, and I will not, my heart hurts for what was good, my mind can remember those lonley days....I am going to grow from this and so will you, time takes time! and heals all wounds. Think of the last relationship you had and how you thought you would just die! now all you think about is this guy, let time pass and as thay say all things will pass!

[glow2]

Hey Kate,

 

What will likely happen now is : he will find another substitute

mother.

 

Continue to feel happy, free, and back to your old self again.

 

You really got it gong on, girl! (cuz I can tell - you are SMART)

[Kate]

well thanks a lot for your compliment. i didn't anticipate how hard these last two days would have been. i don't have any solid distractions, besides work (which is boring). he has 3 new roommates, one of which is his best friend/cousin. no wonder it is easier for him! i feel like such a weakling, i can't stop thinking about him. i'm trying to tell myself it's just cause i am a bit bored and lonely right now. i get tempted, out of weakness, to call him. i don't know what i would gain by doing that. i would probably just plummet further down. i feel that he has taken enough from me.

 

it's funny, you know, how when you are gonig through a lonely period of life where your friends are absent or work sucks, how some people will capitalize on those things. then, when the roles reverse and they are the lonlier ones, you help them and support them. my ex is so clueless, he has simply taken any opportunity to run with his diversions and strengthen himself...while i have been going through a tougher time and have needed him more. i don't even know why i wanted him, when i know he could never truly support me emotionally. it's like trying to teach a baby to stand on it's head. it can't.

[ntovrhm]

Stay strong, keep up the NC, no matter how much you miss him or are lonely right now. He doesn't know you are feeling this way, and will eventually begin to wonder. Don't cave! And, as has been said many times before, do something to keep busy and your mind occupied with other things. Do some things for YOU!

[Kate]

don't you think he's beginning to wonder what happened after we went on a vacation for 4 days, then i don't call him again? after he called me 3 days after the vaca and then 2 days ago? does he even make sense of the fact that i haven't called him at all in over a week? or returned his 2 phone calls? will he finally respect me for this? i figure he just doesn't know WHAT to do, so he's doing nothing. why is he gonig to continue to call me if i ignore him? i hope eventually this will eat at him, either way...what do you think? i find it impossible to do anything for me. and when i do, i'm not happy. i feel like such a weakling. i need a new perspective.

[ntovrhm]

Did he leave a message when he made those calls? If not, why did he want to talk? Did he try to make plans? Did he want to hang out? I think not. . . He will call again, and perhaps eventually he will wonder enough to leave a message to ask what's up, if not, then do you really want to call the guy who cares so little for you that he wouldn't try and figure out what is going on?

[ntovrhm]

ALSO, what's the problem with letting him think that you are moving on by not returning his calls, when you know he isn't/hasn't been giving you what you need in the relationship. Force yourself to perform the actions of moving on, and eventually your heart will catch up with your head.

[KristyAGD]

My ex needed a "break" 3 weeks ago. The stories that you and Supergirl shared had me shaking my head in agreement. We are all 25 years old, and in relationships with men slightly older (only in age...my ex is 27 but acts like he's an 8th grader). We are all confident, intelligent, and beautiful...but our ex's never appreciated us.

 

My ex wanted a Stepford wife, not a real woman. He always was looking for more wealth, more happiness, more success. Nothing was ever good enough. He never listened. He was emotionally abusive. He constantly competed with me (Who was more attractive, who made more money, etc.) But I stayed. I guess I figured that eventually he would see the light, and he would one day appreciate me.

 

I am going through the same thing you are. I can see clearly now. I know that I am better off without him. But, I still miss him. Do I miss him or do I miss the idea of being with someone? Tough call. I called him every couple of days the first week and a half, and then I just stopped. He called my cell phone last Sunday and left a message...he didn't know why he was calling...he missed me. The next day I saw him, and I just don't know. He's the same person. He hasn't learned a thing. But he hugged me a few times, and it was this natural high. But I walked out, and I haven't called since. It's been over a week.

 

Be strong. It is agony, but you are not alone. I also turn my phone off, because anytime it rings, I secretly hope it is him. I understand you completely...one moment you are so self-assured, the next moment you miss him.

 

Reading all these posts, expecially yours Kate, has helped.

[Kate]

thanks, you are right. i have made the decision to ignore him because it is all i can do, and here i am feeling weak because of the lack of closure i have. i feel like such a jerk, i have been on this website for months now and it seems i have gotten nowhere. though for some people, it takes years and they just keep dragging on and accepting the behavior. at least i have enough sense to KNOW it's not right...and questioning myself is only a result of feeling sad and missing him. it doesn't change what has happened with us.

 

i am a bit hurt he hasn't even left me any messages to find out what is going on. but, in his mind, he will just use my avoidance as an excuse to leave the relationship. he has a lot of pride, and i know it is affecting him a little, and his reasoning is probably along the lines of: "she is ignoring ME, when she KNOWS i have called...it is her decision to walk away". but, talking to him will give me no answers either!! right? if this doesn't get a solid reaction out of him, then it is just proving the point that has been proven consistently throughout the relationship -- an earthquake could not move him. and, for someone who enjoys being alone so much, for someone who went 4 years with zero relationships or dating, and for someone who then went 4 years in a relationship that was stale for the last 2 years, what am i expecting? before we started dating i knew all this...that he was lazy, period. i wonder how on earth his last gf even stayed with him -- but apparently all she had to offer was an education. perhaps she hung on to the honeymoon phase and he just stayed out of convenience. he even told me that he didn't even have a fulfilling sex life with her. i don't think it would matter if superwoman came around to him...he would do the bare minimum after he caught her, and eventually she would get bored as well. i don't know what i am complaining about here, i just want myself back and it has been difficult because i just moved back to where i grew up 10 months ago, had to get on my feet, started a new job 6 months ago and have had a lot of transition. i suppose i was just clinging to something "stable", meaning a friendship and relationship that i could find as a constant in my life when everything else was inconsistent and full of change.

 

i have to realize that i was making improvements this weekend when i was out of my regular environment. things just hurt more when you are in a place that reminds you of them, when your daily actions that are now without any contact with them are happening, when every place and thing reminds you of them. i can only go based on what i know of the times that we were apart and he missed me...it is so hard for him to admit it but i could see how lonely he is in his eyes. i think he is lost, in part, and i have been beating myself up so much because i keep thinking about what could be wrong with me. he is a person who only wants what is not available and what is most easy and convenient. if there was ever a man who took the true path of least resistance, it would be him. he is 26, barely makes ends meet, never went to college, his hobbies are an addiction to baseball and sports and playing darts in the bars. he has no needs, so how can he expect to meet a great girl? he is destined for a life of ease and stagnant movement. i know i was probably most unhappy because i wanted him to be something he wasn't .... and when i kept seeing he wasn't who i wanted him to be, i got disappointed and wished he was different -- more proactive, more of a planner, more energetic about me. i kept thinking that it was me, if only i could change he would be different...but i don't know that he would be different with ANY girl, and that is what i have to remember. looking at his track record should be indication enough. i was truly settling in every way. even if he did treat me perfectly, would i be able to sustain this long-term? the mystery of his cruise control demeanor has caused my busy and wired mind to work in insane ways...when there really is nothing at all to figure out. i would think he was cheating on me, when really he just couldn't find the passion within him to express it. he is so closed, and i am not -- and i have been quite good at opening the hearts and minds of others who were pretty closed, so i just thought taht maybe this time i was doing as good of a job. i need to stop looking at myself and taking everything so personally, because it's not me. it was so wierd...the SECOND i would start reciprocating his phone calls or making plans and leaning on him in ANY way, he would go distant for a day or two. that's just not normal. i have stayed because i kept wanting to figure things out for myself, when in reality he is just "so". i wonder if peoplel like him ever get lonely, needy, etc., and what do they do about it? he has a limited relationship with his father, isn't too close to his immediate family and has always been a really quiet and shy kid. all of these things i kept neglecting to notice. since i know his behavior, i know he won't chase anything -- although he claims to want certain things out of life.

 

basically, he is just an unmotivated person in general. i realize i should have felt much worse if he was more of a go-getter or proactive person. he takes whatever falls in his lap and makes no effort to keep it. that's him!

[Kate]

thanks kristy. i guess they are each different men but with the same theme. unlike yours, as you may have read above, mine never competed with me. i don't think he would have cared if i had a pulse. he just liked someone there to do stuff with...to eat, sleep, and watch TV. i could never ever figure out what was going on inside of his head.

 

he was most confusing because he CLAIMED to want certain things. it seemed like he would get them...but he just never did, including me. he never got it. in all of the arguments we have had, even emotional stress that HE felt, he felt like he was trying -- but he never really was. he doesn't know how to self-motivate. i mean, he has been living off of mom and then his ex gf for 4 years. he used to complain to me all the time how he wanted out of his last relationship, but he would never leave!!! what finally motivated him was when she finally ended it. thank God for her. he left willingly and moved back in with mom. i was friends with him this whole time. it's odd, he looks the part...but is a really empty shell. he is seemingly very kind, everyone likes him, he is handsome...but he is lacking the ingredients. i feel like a failure because i failed to bring out his qualities i mistakenly thought were there. they weren't.

 

each day is so hard, but i have refrained from calling him. he will actually do me a favor by not calling because i will move on slowly. i will learn a great lesson from this -- never ever to settle again, even with the slightest reservation about someone. i have so much faith in people, i always believe they can change, but they have to want to. my ex does/did not want to change, even if it meant for good love. i know in his heart he loves/loved me, but wouldn't and couldn't do anything it takes to keep that alive. i told him how afraid i would be to marry someone like him because he doesn't try at all. he is a great listener...but i think that's just because his thoughts don't churn. he said obviously he has a lot to learn about a relationship and if he is apart from me he may learn. how pathetic. he has no relationship skills because everything has always been easy. ugh

[Guest]

Kate --- I've been trying to send you a private message but I can't get it to go through.

 

I've been following your posts for some time now and have identified with each and every one of them, old and new. My relationship with my boyfriend is eerily similar to your relationship with yours.

 

Some time ago, when you were singing the praises of just having faith, taking it easy and letting the guy breathe, I had faith, took it easy and let him breathe. It seemed reasonable enough. I'm a little hyper, a little neurotic, and didn't want to completely overwhelm the poor bastard. And it worked. But I think that it may have worked for the wrong reasons. By not asking him for anything, by just being chill, he didn't have to step up and participate in the relationship. He wasn't subject to expectations from me. He got my love, but didn't have to earn it. He has been put up on a pedestal, and he is revelling in the unconditional ardor that I've offered, offering nothing in return. And that's where we are now. I love him, he says that he loves me, but I don't feel as if I can count on him to show up for me. And it's hurtful to my self-esteem. I've lost myself.

 

I've been killing myself of late trying to come up with other alternatives to ending the relationship. I don't want for it it be over, but I want to find myself again and get back to the person that I once was. I love her. Now, reading your post and knowing how much your story has mirrored mine, I fear that I'll have to follow your path once again. I know that my only way of ending the relationship is simply by not answering the phone. That's exactly what I would do...only because I'm so easily charmed and turned around by him. I want to believe that it will work, so I choose to be swayed in that direction. So, please don't feel that you are a coward for taking that approach, the cowardly thing to do would be to stay in a bad situation because you didn't possess enough strength to walk away. Going without that closure is unbelievably brave on your part. Chin up.

[supergirl79]

Kate - I'm sorry to hear that you've been down - or not as strong as you were last weekend. I understand what you mean about not getting closure, that's when I feel the best. I may not have him, but at least i have closure and the fate of the relationship is in my hands. I'm sure NC is the best, but maybe if you need closure you should contact him and just talk to him - end it for good though - unless for some reason you want him back. I wish I could just give you a big hug! By not calling though, you're that many days closer to your 60 day goal.

 

I too, have had my moments of weakness. He called and text messaged, but it was so hard for me to not call back. Even sitting here right now i just want to forget about all this and take him back, but I can't. He'd only miss me for a short period of time and then the same things would happen - he wouldn't appreciate me. It's good to hear from you and the others that I'm not alone in this feeling, that i'm intelligent, beautiful, and fun - but can't seem to get my ex to see that! This has been so helpful for me to gain some confidence back, simply because reading how the men have treated us just makes me more angry! Each day that goes by though, I try to think about forgiving, and then i come back to this thread and I remember why I shouldn't forigve and need to stay strong!

 

Hang in there, all of you! And thanks for all of the help and support along the way!

[Kate]

thanks so much. today has been the toughest yet. it has now been a full week since i have spoken to him. i am dying to see him.

 

but, there is not one person on this earth who has told me to contact him!! geez, i have no reason to stay! AND, JUST like you, i did the chill thing. i had a headache each day over what i had to do to keep HIM. i pined over his calls, which became consistent. but, as soon as he had his fix of me, he would go another week before he needed to see me again. he was happy having his little pathetic life and weaving me in when there was a loop hole. i could just feel the lack of love coming from him, from his eyes and body language. he is totally confused and doesnt know what he wants. he only wanted me if i was willing to do everything for him.

 

i have never had someone treat me this way before, and so it was confusing. move away from your man to see the light. just because they are "nice" and stable seemingly and they listen doesn't mean they are really GOOD -- it just means they know how to toy with your feelings, and confuse you enough to make you stay. they claim that you pushed them away by needing them, but deep down they are really ashamed that you needed things from them that they couldn't give you. they are cowards. i can't believe how low i have dropped my standards.

 

the worst part of all this is that my new job has suffered. i have a lot on the line financially, even though i spent over $1200 on a vacation for him and me. stupid. my biggest problem right now is feeling totally bi-polar -- which is how i felt during the whole relationship....is that normal:???? if you notice, my posts are COMPLETELY up and down, in and out, inconsisent....i really need you guys on here to help me. your last post just saved me from calling him. it just shows me that i really know deep down, i'm just going through a weak moment.

[Hurt]

The relationship was not working, what is it you want back? If you call as I did, be very prepared for hurting later. If you go back to him, what will change? I wish I had never sent the messages that I did, just the no response hurt. You will meet that special person when you least expect it.

[ntovrhm]

Listen, I don't consider myself to be bi-polar or clinically depressed, and I am definitely going through the ups and downs as well, just like you. If you had never exhibited these types of traits consistently in the past, it just means that it is likely the situation with this individual that is causing this.

 

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't seek help if you feel completely over the edge, but know that you are not the only one going through this, and that time is what will help through the ups and downs. Eventually, things will get back to a more even keel. And with the right person, hell even being without a guy for a while, you will be back to your old self again.

[Guest]

Hey...it's me (Kerrie) again.

 

Kate - feel free to email/phone me should you need any backup. We're all with you!

 

My girlfriends are so sick of hearing about my relationship. I'm sick of talking about it to them. I'm in therapy now, which is good...I'm PAYING someone to hear about this! But, if you need to vent at any time, please know that you have options.

[supergirl79]

I think what you're doing is the right thing and I remember going through a lot of the same things. He and I were on the rocks for quite sometime and my job suffered TREMENDOUSLY! And like your situation, he loved to be with me on his terms, and then he could an entire week without seeing me! It was so annoying beause I wanted to do things with him, like go on vacations and do things with him/my friend with him - I wanted him to be my best friend, but he was happy seeing me for one hour once a week! I knew that it wasn't love, even though he told me he loved me! He just loved himself, but wanted a piece every once in awhile. If he even tries to come back later on, which he may, he is going to have to work so hard to prove to me that I"m worth it.....he'll probably run away after that! And like you, I've never had someone treat me this way. I have always been with a guy who will do anything for me - and then I stick with a guy who'd rather do everthing without me!

 

And one more thing, you're not bi-polar. We've all gone through this stage, the ups and downs - I even called myself crazy at one point. I felt like I was totally losing it....but realized that he just brought out the worst in me. I went out last weekend, had the best time and met so many cool people that I knew I was still the same person. It felt so good to be out there, single and flirting and getting the attention....it just felt good to be there. What I did, which probably isn't good, is I found a new object of affection - ran into an ex and we chatted. We won't date again, but it helped to have someone in my sights to get my mind off the recent ex!

[Kate]

i feel like i really need some help. i just met my best gf for a drink. she is m best friend, but can't seem to understand what my hang up is. she is clearly sick of hearing about it.

 

i can't get him out of my head. he has become an addiction of sorts. i was SOOOOOOOOO close to turning at his exit tonight on my way home. i had even prepared a text message for him and when my friend saw it, she grabbed my phone so it never sent. this, of course, was after a couple of drinks. but imagine the consequences. what am i looking for, exactly?? i really never found a friendship AND a relationship before, and i am scared i won't find it again. but, i suppose the same can be said for him, right???? and if he doesn't care enough to find me, so be it. i am just having a devil of a time with it. i think the biggest obstacle, actually, is being afraid of moving on. in his mind, he doesn't have to move on, cause he has me no matter what. in his mind, he can survey the scene and have me in the back of his mind. i don't have that luxury, cause i don't have that security. not fair.

 

guest, please call me if you get a chance. try and private message me and i will give you my info. tonight has been the toughest night yet, and i am praying for easier days. i just don't know where to turn anymore. i know he is the worst tihng for me and i can't even accept it. befause i know he isn't doing any thing on PURPOSE. but i have lowered myself so much................

[Hurt]

You are lonely, do not want want what may not be good for you

[guest]

Kate - I can't log in. I don't know if my company has a firewall or something that keeps me from doing so. But, I'm stumped. And the moderator deleted the email address I had left for you yesterday.

 

Removed Personal Information

 

Please Read the Guidelines about Posting Personal Information:

 

Anonymity and disclosure

Community participants may from time to time share private conversations and information with each other via private messaging. We expect that all community participants will observe the privacy rights of others and refrain from posting any information about another participant, including repeating the content of any private message in a public forum without the consent of both parties.

 

Participants are reminded to use extreme caution when posting personally identifiable information on the site or when sending private messages. We recommend that you not disclose information that can be later used by others to identify you.

 

For your own protection and the privacy and security of all of our guests, personal or personally identifiable information such as the following may not be included within submissions to the forum:

 

E-mail addresses

Instant message contact information (screen names, usernames, etc.)

Telephone numbers

Mailing addresses

Bank account numbers

Passwords, usernames, or access codes

[WantanS4]

HEY KATE!!!!

 

Where are you located? Maybe I can buy you dinner or something?