Breaking the cycle of HOPE

[Kate]

i have posted over and over here. basically i just want to say that i have finally reached my light bulb moment and i want to share this:

 

if you truly have an inner gut feeling about your bf or gf and know it isn't right but are staying anyway, get to your light bulb moment any way you can to get on with your life.

 

my ex and i were wonderful, but he didn't appreciate me. the wholllllle time. i used my pride and esteem and ego to override the CLEAR fact that he didn't appreciate me or care as much as i did. i had too much pride to see the truth -- i was taken for granted and would never be treated the way i deserved. i thought i was too good for that. and found out i am just human....that my smarts, wit, honor, virtue and great looks could conquer anything. not so. this is the biggest lesson i learned about myself. it was a cocky assumption to make, as my ex did not measure up to me in any category, other than the fact that he was a better "fake it till you make it" person...while i am a "be what you are, dont act how you want to be percieved". and so i percieved him for what he put out -- not who he actually is.

 

when i say get to that light bulb moment, i mean push and push until you get there. my final gage for my situation (we were together but he needed his space, i gave 100%, he gave 0%, i made excuses for him because i loved him, i wasted time, money, effort) i came up with a month ago. i booked a great trip for the 2 of us and knew he had no money. i told him he could pay me later (mistake, but that will only FURTHER prove his weak character full of excuses for not doing things). i did this all so i could see once and for all the person that he would prove himself to be. i wanted to see him out of our usual environment, in a beautiful environment away from it all. let me tell you, we had great moments during the trip, but my overall feelings came through -- he didn't appreciate it for a second. he barely spoke unless spoken to, and never initiated a touch with me unless i did first. he constantly looked at his phone and kept it close to him....hmm....(i have looked through it before because i didn't trust him, and found long conversations between him and other women -- ding ding!!, but i dismissed it because i did the same to take away my hurt). i was so disappointed in his lack of proactiveness and his general state, i cried insdie the whole time. at the end ofthe trip, which was tuesday night, i cried to him and told him how frustrated i am with him not being totally ready for a relationship. i said (can't believe this!!) that "i am so sad, but don't want to leave because i am afraid i will be with someone else and i don't want to risk that....if things are meant to work, i don't want to ruin that chance". well, needless to say, i actually did myself a favor with that speech -- because right now he is SOOO secure with me never leaving, this will hit him like a TON of bricks!!!

 

i have decided to never ever pick up my phone again when he calls. that is how i will break up with him. so, i broke up with him tuesday night after i got home, and he doesn't know it yet. he hasn't even called me since then. after all i did for him....just another example. some may disagree with this approach, but it is the only approach in my gut that feels appropriate. i don't WANT to give him the satisfaction of TELLING him we are breaking up -- this will only give him relief and closure and i don' think he deserves that. he deserves the mystery and confusion he has embedded in my loving heart. and that is what he will get. also, it is the only thing i am capable of doing at this point, as to hear his voice would make me want him back. it would create a situation where i beg for him back, and i don't want to do that to myself.

 

i hope this helps all of you who think you are a really great person -- and are -- but forget that you can STILL be taken for....this is the last guy i ever thought would abuse my confidence and faith, and he has violated it to the max on a number of occasions...whether he knows it or not. that is no longer the point, me trying to make him understand what he has done!!! don't forget to read your intuition. your gut doesn't lie, but your heart and mind will confuse you and fight your gut -- by the way, it is never your heart and mind, but your ego. my ego has finally taken control and i will keep constructing the monster that has hurt me so that i never speak to him until i truly don't feel for him.

 

hope this helps some....

[ntovrhm]

Kate, I'm sorry that the reconnection didn't work with you and your ex, but glad that you have gotten to the point in your mind that you know what the right thing to do is.

 

We had talked before about our respective issues. Stay strong! And I guess there is no need to discuss a break-up if you technically weren't back together anyway.

 

It seems you deserve so much better. . . No contact is is order again, I believe. . . .

[Kate]

hey thanks for your reply. the way i reached my final conclusion was when i hit complete bottom with MYSELF. i reached a point where all i could feel was the wrong i was inflicting on myself. this whole time i have been focused on him and me, not me. i got somewhere i never wanted to be. my lightbulb moment was when i noticed that i no longer was holding my head high. my confidence was so affected that i could feel it in my shoulders. i was no longer standing straight and proud when i was with him -- and hardly when i was away from him. i found that i felt more like myself in the presence of strangers. it was at this point where i realized that my innocent and unbelievable nature had become masked with emptinesss -- to him and to me. this is why he no longer cared to try with me -- i had given up my self. of course he would not be attracted to that, but it is not my fault. this is what happens to a human being when they are neglected and their love is unreciprocated.

 

i realize this has NOTHING to do with ME at all. HE IS CLUELESS. no more to it! i finally realized i can't rationalize his actions or behavior. he doesn't get it. but he will. i found myself today falling in love with MYSELF again, the way i used to be, the way i was when he first met me. this is what he will remember as time goes on and he is not with me. i am not a different person, i am the same. i was a person who was broken down little by little by lack of reciprocation. i believe that ignoring someone can kill them slowly. and he killed me until i finally died. i have been reborn completely. there is no where to go except up. as i looked iin the mirror last night, i saw.......ME. and i miss ME so much, much more than i missed him. i can't believe that i allowed myself to lose myself...and allowed him to lose sight of who i am. he forgot because i forgot. but there was no way around that.

 

breakups are all about confidence....one person takes control and the other sensitive less fake party slowly loses themself. it is a slow death for a human, this neglect thing. this is what happened, and why it was so easy for him to take time away from me. i had become grey to him and lost my color. only in infrequent moments was i colorful again (when i willed away the pain and his actions) and that is when he loved me. but slowly, the pain of his neglect would creep in again, and i would turn grey. i did all i could to make him more colorful than he has ever been before!!! this, unfortunately, for an unevolved person, can stroke their ego to the point where they believe they can do anything and have anyone. he, on the other hand, did not do his part in this romantic endeavor. he didn't know how to keep me burning, even though that is something you are supposed to do for yourself ANYWAY. i did though, but i am not superhuman. i am proud of myself and did my best. i don't regret any of my silly, embarrassing and insecure actions. they were honest. there is not as much honesty in him, though. he is not honest with himself, otherwise why would he let me build him to a point where he loved himself too much on false pretenses to neglect me?

 

what is important here now is me. i love me. i miss me!!! i started realizing again how when i walk into a room i have so much love for people....and the room practically lights up with my presence. i miss making strangers happy in light conversation and sharing light love with people. i lost that capability for a while because i was giving it all to him.

 

the best part of all of this is that i realize i have such a strong character that i made him feel invincible, and i don't think he realized that i was the one who enabled that. he was NEVER the person he was before me -- when i met him he was humble, shy, introverted and not as secure with himself. at this point, he has pulled a 180 and taken the love i have showered with and used that power falsely. this is a sin. i have never done that to anyone who has made me shine like a bright light. so, with that said, this is the best part: where will he be when i am gone, no longer there to paint him beautifully with unconditional love, friendship and energy? answer: lost. it has taken me until recently to realize that.

[evergreatful]

Kate that is great! I am glad to hear you finally realized what was wrong and did something about it. I have done the same thanks to a great reply from you on one of my threads. I feel the same way. I miss me too!!! Good luck to you!!! You so deserve so much better!!!

[ntovrhm]

It sounds like you are on track again! That's great.

 

I don't know if it a girl thing, or not (not to generalize), but I don't know how I could put so much time and effort into a person that didn't reciprocate! At least with other guys where it didn't work out, I didn't lose myself so much because at least I made sure I got back what I put in.

 

Your realizations sound a lot like mine. I wasn't the person I used to be, and my friends even said I hadn't been my old self in a while. Even before my break-up, but after he had been gone long-distance for a while, my one friend said she heard my laugh at a bar-b-que, and realized she hadn't heard that in a really long time.

 

Good relationships are supposed to build you up, not make you feel insecure and inadequate. It is a gradual process, and like you seem to be searching, I have finally found myself again after a long time.

 

Keep up the faith, you will probably back-slide a little, but stand firm in knowing that he doesn't seem to be what you deserve.

[Kate]

thanks for your encouragement. i am SO glad i helped you as well...words are powerful and honest, especially from total strangers who have nothing to gain from giving you honest advice.

 

this weekend is going to be tough, but telling. if i can get through one whole week with ignoring his calls and detaching my mind from the thought of getting back with him, i will be in the clear. after that, it will just be avoiding him that is the biggest task. i suspect that he will try to contact me today, and if not i will be really suprised...but not as suprised as he will be when i don't do it first. that has always been the way things have worked for us. if anything, he is going to get worried that not having talked to me has stricken a chord....whatever....ponder ponder ponder.

 

i will update this thread with info. such as his calls, (if any) and attempts to contact (if any). i am hoping he has a few drunken evenings that will bring him down to planet earth, where he needs to be. he will be confused as to why he can't get another girl like me. then he will hit rock bottom, where he also belongs for a while in order to aid in his own evolvement as a human being (if that is possible).

 

thanks

[ntovrhm]

You didn't totally lose yourself. . . your compassion and caring came through to me on this board when you were going through your difficulties the first time around.

[ntovrhm]

Stay strong my friend. Your gut knows what's best for you in the long run . . .

[Kate]

Thanks! Sometimes people confuse kindness with weakness -- that is what he did to me. It threw me for a loop, and before short, i WAS feeling weak. But, really, I am kind. I say that because I will never let a person i care for drop. I treat them as if it were the last time i would see them. So, thank you for saying i never lost myself, i didn't see it that way.

 

It will be all I can do to not feel GUILTY about not returning his calls when he does. Last time around, i felt so immature and weak. But this was my kind heart talking to me. My religious heart talking. But I am learning that it is ok to treat those as you have been treated -- not with contempt or deciet, but with reciprocation. I know that he would never ever ignore my calls, but if the shoe was on his foot, he would. He has always been very mature and honest with his feelings, and that is what makes me feel bad about doing this. But, he has only been mature and honest when he needed space or time. That was not so, as he wouldn't have been throwing me bread crumbs to come running. The bottom line is, he didn't care enough to work on himself or on us when things were difficult for him to understand. Instead, he chose to put himself on a pedastal quietly and remove himself. Whatever it is, I need his respect back and I will feel more confident about moving on. After trying all else, i know in my gut that the only way to get that respect back is to treat him like he doesn't exist. so sad.

[ntovrhm]

You've got nothing to feel guilty about, although try and do this for YOU, and not just to gain some respect back from him. You've given him all you could, and it wasn't enough.

 

Maintain your distance and build yourself back for YOU, and the next person to come around will appreciate you for the wonderful person you are!

[supergirl79]

Wow, Kate - your story sounds much like my situation! He was so good at building me up in the beginning and making me feel special and then it all stopped and he wondered what was wrong with ME all the time! I would get sad, and he'd just get mad at me and tell me that i'm crazy, possessive and controlling just because I wanted to hang out with him (we lived together even!). He would rather play video games (he's 30) than spend time with me and I'm traveling all the time! What you said about feeling inadequate and insecure is exactly how I felt. Everytime I'd talk almost, I felt insecure about what I was going to say and I"m NEVER like that! Everyone always used to compliment me about my smile and how I'm so happy all the time - I lost all of that and people were wondering what was wrong? He would blame it on me so I felt that the failing relationship was totally my fault!

 

I did finally break up with him because I literally cried every day for 2 months - and each day he'd push further and furhter away from me - just coming over to see me at his convenience, but usually would just call on his way to work - which I don't even consider actual effort. Prior to him, I was a super-confident chick who could get any guy I wanted (sorry it sounds cocky, but I"m trying to put things in perspective) because I had a great job, good personality, always like to go do something fun, and I'm attractive. Well, just like what you said Kate, he was introverted, insecure, always wondering how he was lucky enough to get me (he pursued me for about a year - wasn't interested, guess I should have stuck to my gut!). Then after about 4 months, he moved in - we talked about marriage and then all of the niceness and caring stopped. He felt like seeing me every day was enough - no more dates, dinners, movies, going out - seeing me after work was enough. He started distancing me from his friends and family because he felt I should be content just sitting at home waiting for him. It was funny how I would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for him, so it fed his ego while he beat mine down knowing I'd never leave him. I felt horrible about myself - just no longer had the confidence I once had - but he was more confident than ever! I was so insecure, I checked his email and his phone - confronted him about a couple things, which he got so defensive about. I knew he was looking for someone else, but I am never sure if he cheated.

 

After all of this abuse, one day I was sick of sitting on the sidelines. His dog was more of a priority than me, even his video game took precedence over me and I was sick of it. I believe I should be priority with the understanding that things come up of course, but i was never back to where he once had me - at the top of his list. I felt like such a failure and that everything was my fault....and of course he fed off that and told me everything was my fault. I was miserable and hurt and my work started suffering. So, I finally made the break (he had already moved out, so it was easier), but then he continued to call - wanted me not as his girlfriend, but didn't want anyone else to have me. I struggled with that, I'd get upset sometimes because it's so hard to go from having it all to only having a little and trying to be okay with it - so I'd cry sometimes and he'd just get mad at me and tell me I'm uptight and he was going to hang up. We went through this for awhile, he had to know what I was doing all the time, accusing me of being with other guys ( I never was) just to get a reaction. Then he started coming over, I think just to check that no one stayed at my house (he works nights) but then he'd lay with me, which was great. He'd always try to have sex with me, all but once I resisted, which was the last straw. Afterwards i told him that I hope something good would come out of it and he was just like "well, I don't want a girlfriend" and that confused me even more! I know I was acting stupid, it was wishful thinking, but I couldn't believe he went from being obsessed with me, to not wanting anything to do with me. I was hurt, confused, and finally lost it. Told him to never come over again - and I can't handle it. All he did was yell at me, tell me I'm crazy and that he doesn't have to deal with it.

 

I'm sad because I don't like the way our last conversation went, but I was sick of the emotional abuse and manipulation. He kept telling me how insecure I am, but he did it! he can't seem to understand that when I feel adequate in a relationship, I'm totally secure! So, I deleted his number out of my phone and haven't heard from him in 4 days. His birthday was 2 days ago, i called, but he didn't call back. I'm done and now at the point where i'm trying to pick up all the pieces and be able to look at myself in the mirror and love myself again. I miss him tons, and still blame myself somewhat, but am starting to accept that he's just a jerk, even though I'd still do anything for him.

 

Anyway, sorry this is long - but you're story was very touching and motivating because much of what you say, I've been through and am going through right now. It's good to know that there are others in the same situation. I'm happy to hear you're doing so well. Keep me informed on how things go!

[Kate]

you ARE supergirl -- and so am i.

 

i think the reason we stayed and tried to work it out and STILL feel quilty is because little by little we let our personal convictions and acceptance of what is right, slide. you see, when someone lets you down a little bit, you forgive and try to forget. then, they do it again...and you start to get scared of losing them -- then the cycle continues. in the beginning, i put my foot down hard -- but that was before i fell in love with him. after that, every time he let me down, i vowed it wasn't right inside my head, but tried harder. GOOD people don't hurt you because they don't want to -- not because you will or won't let them.

 

the hardest thing for me is that my guy is a very sweet person. he is caring and a great LISTENER. he has never ever said anything mean to me or ever tried to make me feel bad about himself. the truth is, after so many arguments, he just couldn't understand what was upsetting me -- and it was all about his lack of appreciation for me. the WORST part about him is that he is too laid back and doesn't appreciate things until he loses them. why do i want someone who only wants me when i am out the door? so, the hardest part is knowing that he is a good guy and always will be, but severely neglected me and my feelings and TOOK from me whatever i would give. i have noticed that the biggest difference between him and other guys is that he always took -- other guys stop me and are like, "no, don't do that -- it's my turn". he never reciprocated my offerings, just because he didn't feel like it. the toughest thing has been him not understanding what he is doing wrong -- however he knows deep down. i mean, little things like driving him all around for 2 months when he had no car, paying for him when i was broke, bringing him dinner, etc...he never ever did the "little things" for me. ever. all of this mounted and he TOOK ME FOR GRANTED. no matter what my confusion is and how i try to blame myself and justify in my head, at the end of the day i justify my current action with the fact that if you FEEL wrong and it is nothing inside of you you are doing to yourself, it IS wrong. my guy never told me i was crazy or anything, he told me that i am a control freak and that i need a lot of attention and that puts pressure on him as he is trying to "establish himself." that's not fair. i have given sooooooooooooo much and he has taken it. he would be more of a man to me not by reciprocating if he couldn't, but if he didn't take so damn much. people will take whatever you give them, i guess. never have i had a guy TAKE so much. so, my dilemma, again, is pinpointing somethng horrible about him....when there is nothing horrible about him to speak of. but his behavior sucks. to make matters worse, he never really wanted people to know he had a gf. he took me to ONE family function on mother's day only because i was upset when he blew me off on Easter after i took HIM to brunch with my dad and family. i dropped him off after that at his aunt's house, and he was like, "so what are you doing now?" i was like, "going home -- i had to leave to take you here!" he was like "ok bye" and jumped out of the car. i was more of a conquest for him than something he took seriously. he was seriously so concerned with what others think and won't admit it. he told a guy he knew that we saw at easter brunch RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME that he was with "family and friends!" nice one. and, the funniest part of it all is that i am a total knockout with a great personality and all of his friends were soooooooooooo jealous!! i asked him if he was ashamed of me!! he said no. whatever that meant. so many instances like this one occured and i don't know why. the only conclusion i can draw is that i was a conquest to stroke his ego and improve his self-esteem -- great, now he can tell people he "had" me. good for him.

 

the worst part of all is that all he wanted was to "get" me. in the beginning, he told me that he felt lucky enough just to have me, and it wouldn't bother him if things ended and we were just friends. then at month5 he told me he loved me. since then, i have only heard it when i say it first. he never once tried to fix an argument, and as i got more dependent on him he got more annoyed and wanted space from me. he wanted to do nothing to ensure i would be there, so i did that part for him. he is so convinced i will always be there. the last time i attempted to break up with him, i called and caved a week later. he saw me and said he knew things were not over between us. countless times he told me that he saw us together forever - -and you know why?? because i always stayed and gave. for him, that was worth staying forever!!!!

 

today i got my first call after i took him on a lavish vacation for 4 days. first call in 3 days after all that!! there should have been a bed of roses or a card on my front porch. instead i get a missed call at 1pm with no message. of course i did not answer it. i will not answer another one of his calls. i am concerned, deep down, that he will lose respect for the way i am going to handle this....but you know what?? he already doesn't respect me because i have taken so much crap from him. he admitted that i put in way more effort than him. bascially, saying he doesn't care. the thing that makes me the most sad is that when he knows i'm gone he won't chase me. that hurts. but, it should wake me up to realize that someone who cares will chase you to the depths of hell.

 

the more time i spend away from him, the more confident i will be in myself to move on. the more i will see how weak he is. i do not see the angel i thought he was anymore. i am giving myself a point for each day i do not talk to him, and a point for each time i refuse his call. my goal is to reach 100, and i hope that i completely move on before that point. i will keep you posted on that.........so does this sound like your story at all? by the way, people never change. my guy was in LOVE with me for 2 years before he broke up with his ex gf and started dating me just a month later. as soon as he got all he could from me -- entertainment, hilarious laughter, sex, companionship, ego stroking -- he went on cruise control and i went into the hurt zone. i slowly lost myself, and he slowly gained more than he actually is. he didn't do this on purpose, it is the nature of his lazy and unappreciative character. soon enough the roles will reverse for good. i have also committed to not even checking his voicemails if he leaves them -- i will straight delete them. i am creating a scenario in my head as to why i won't talk to him, and have even had dreams he has cheated on me. i don't think he has, but am suspicious. he is doing the same that your bf was doing -- looking for the next best thing. it doesn't exist in his world, let me tell you. this is the most unbelievebable tihng i have ever gone through.

[supergirl79]

Kate - I'm almost wondering if we dated the same guy? I mean, in so many ways they seem so alike that it's almost unbelievable. Like the cruise control thing, that's exactly what he was like and I, like you, am the desire of many men so when he got me he appreciated it, then he had me and now can brag about that. That's why he'd always wonder what i was doing because I think in the end, his insecurities started coming out again and he know that he's lucky to have me, he just treats me like sh*t. And then like you, he would give in the beginning - shower me with gifts, then after 4 months, I started becoming more dependent and he was wondering why i was clingy and needy. Well, he made me that way! In the beginning I totally thought that this was him, and then in the end, he's a person that only cares about himself and wouldn't even go to dinner with me (even if I paid!). His philosophy is "I'm going to do what I want to do when i want to do it and no one can tell me differently". He claimed I was controlling all the time, and the reason why he'd say that, is because I'd make plans for he and I - he'd decided he didn't want to go or something, I'd say half jokingly "oh, come on, you have to go" and he'd respond by saying "you can't tell me what to do". I literally would do everything for him too, his laundry, all of the cleaning, cooking, yard work - while he sat on his @ss and played video games, just so I wouldn't make him mad and so maybe he'd hang out with me that night. Doesn't that sound pathetic? That's the weakling i became and he fed off of it. He enjoyed that i was feeling that way because then he knew i wouldn't leave him!

 

Mine was also the guy that told me he loved me and cried one day because we got in a fight and he thought he was going to lose me. And then he just turned the tables, overemphasized everything and went from being insecure, to being arrogant and cocky. He thinks he's the greatest thing that ever happened and to me, that's annoying - especially since he's obviously insecure since he worried all the time whether I was with someone else. And in most of the relationship, mine never reciprocated either. I had to initiate everything, I had to plan everything - I'd try to plan a vacation with him and he'd be like, well tell me before you plan it because if it's not what I want to do, I'm not going to do it. How selfish!!! Actually, this is the best mind-set I've had in months - when I start talking about this, it makes me angry! Anyway, sometimes the way I acted was inappropriate - for instance, I travel a lot and I had this weird feeling something was going on because he'd get really defensive when I asked about this one girl, well get home, get into this email (guessed his password actually) and found an email to an ex-girlfriend that was VERY flirtatious....it wouldn't have been so bad other than, he wouldn't even email me during the week but found time to email her? Hmmm, and the fact we were having problems and he decided instead of trying to help me, he'd email someone else and get his feelers out there. He was so mad at me for that, and it was wrong, but he wasn't being honest! And like you, i wanted to take him on vacation, pay for everything just to go with him, thankfully I didn't!

 

Anyway, I sort of went crazy after he'd been jerking with my emotions - which was Monday. By crazy I mean, just lost it on the phone with him telling how much I loved him and how I think he's deceiving and manipulating me. I was sobbing uncontrollably because he was being so insenitive and I couldn't understand! I know he doesn't like to see me sad, but instead of making me feel better, he just shuts down and starts being an @sshole instead. I asked him what he wanted out of this and if he enjoys torturing my emotions and he's like, well we obviously can't date right now and I'm like, then you're using me and trying to make me feel guilty into waiting for you but you don't want me? I was so confused and I literally hit the peak of my frustration - ever since, no phone call. I'm not sure if he'll call again, in a way I hope he does just so I can't answer or call back and then I would know he's still thinking about me - but it's hard. I am definintely not the insecure, crazy, neurotic chick he's seeing now and i don't like myself! He brings out the worst in me when he used to bring out the best!

 

Thanks for your story, it really helps me feel better to type this out :-)

[Kate]

listen, secure people treat you GREAT. we treat people great, not because we want or need them to like us!!!!

 

hearing your story is helpful, too. i am running the risk of running into him tonight, and already feeling guilty for dodging his call today. but then i think of all of the suspicious stuff. if he knows he has me, he will only treat me badly. i am romanticising a situation that doesn't even exist -- him feeling happy to have me when we are together. i used to feel that my insecurity had ruined everything...so i kept trying to change. i read self-help books, started seeing a shrink, everything. but, in the process, i have gotten so much stronger!

 

it is in our nature to feel sorry for people because we are sympathetic. not because they deserve it. i realized today that our vacation may have been the breaking point for him -- feeling too suffocated -- and if i don't move fast, he will do the deed for me. then i will be sobbing and all of that crap.

 

my advice to you is to get yourself a point system too. if you back to him, he will only do the same thing over and over and over because you haven't trained him to be different. the most important thing is to realize it is not supposed to work. you don't want this guy, you want what you want him to be. people do what they can to get you, but sometimes don't maintain it. my guy does not have it in him to do anything. how could i have a future wtih him?

 

this weekend is going to be very tough for me....i'm going to have to avoid him completely. i need to not let my self-esteem drop because then i will miss him. stop missing him. what are you missing anyway?? feeling like sh.it? any time you want him back, think about your WORST feeling with him. mine were this weekend. is this the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? the way you know you will probably FEEL for the rest of your life??

 

listen i'll make pact with you but you have to stick to it -- don't contact or receive contact from you guy in any way and i will do the same. but we have to stick to it .... we dont have to write about it every day here, just stick to it and when something intersting happens or you needt o vent, do so. i don't think it is healthy to write about it every day, you will be sucked RIGHT back into the weak trap. don't rely too much on this website or venting in general. your mind will still get hung up on it.

 

what do you think????? anything else you think will make this easier?? remember the bad, not the good. your gut is right, not your heart. grow up and start TRUSTING it (that goes for me).....xx

[Kate]

and by the way, he never ever showered me with a gift once. i never ever got a flower or a card or a note. or a nice gesture that he brought to my house. he took me to dinner ONCE. and that was it. mostly i paid cause he was broke. we never had a real date, a proper date. he took me to the movies once. and never even offered to put gas in my car when he used it. nice!!

[supergirl79]

I definitely don't run the risk of seeing him this weekend, so that's a good thing - but I can definitely dodge the call if there is one!

 

Thanks for all of the helpful advice and I"d like to take you up on your little plan. I'll start a point system and start marking the days I don't talk to him. I still don't know how I'd react if I did see him, but I'll deal with that when it happens. And everything you've said has been so helpful. Thanks for keeping me strong and keeping things in perspective. Sometimes my heart tries to tell my mind it's okay if i just talk to him and to forgive him, but I know I need to remember the bad things, and writing to you has definitely helped. Also, if you don't mind me asking how old are you & your ex? I'm 25 he's 30 (sometimes I forget he's that old, he acts like he's 21) - just wanted to gauge how close in age we are since our relatinships seem so similar in so many ways! And, I can't believe he didn't ever do anything for you! Although, mine started out that way - got my hopes up and then it all stopped. I'm not sure which one sucks worse.....I'm so sorry to hear about that!

 

Okay - so no contact - I'll keep track. I actually do enjoy this site because on the days where I start feeling like I want to forgive, I come out here and read posts and find that in the end, I am truly angry. I also use it when I'm sad too to get things in perspective. When I'm out of work, I try to keep myself busy - it's not too hard and I have great single friends so that helps.

 

I hope you do okay this weekend, sounds like you're doing really good and staying strong - your strength has helped me a ton, I can feel it already! I need to remember that I am a beautiful, sexy, fun, and smart girl that can do whatever she wants and will find someone that wants to be with me and make me feel special! I am curious to hear how you handle it if he calls and/or you see him.....keep me posted.

[Kate]

yes we are the same age -- and probably are starting to expect more mature things from men. some men just take a really long time to mature, some never do...the same with women i suppose, but i am noticing sOOOOOOOo much that your complaints, my complaints are the SAME as at least 6 of my female friends! no joke, they are all going through the same thing right now. not to mention that they are smart and talented, 2 of them were professional models and one an actress -- hows that for beauty and charisma!!

 

when i leave the house, i forget the bad....and start missing him. he called today at 1pm for the first time since we went home from the airport after our trip tuesday night. i figured it would be a couple of days before he did it, but didn't expect it so soon today. he is probably thinking everything is still normal, he can still give me what he "can", and i will still be there riding the rollercoaster. you know, it's funny, he doesn't like the rollercoaster and he doesn't blame me, either! so why can't he fix it? i'll tell you -- because i have done too much, been too available. too giving, too loving. also, he never went to college to experience alllll of that free stuff your ego needs. i have travelled the world, lived overseas and speak 3 languages although english is my native. we are worlds apart....but i loved that. we both brought stuff to the table. but he let his selfishness override and it ended up hurting me. it is no longer up to you or me to make these guys happy -- to make them dinner, to clean up after them, to be a nice piece of freaking arm candy so that everyone can look up to them...my guy focused waaayyyy to much on having fun with me and not enough on knowing me intimately. maybe he wasn't ready. but there is NO excuse for his lack of manners and appreciation for possibly the best thing that ever happened to him. i mean, i just took him down to miami for the VMAS!! and he got to meet lil john and jimmy fallon for God's sake!! what better a gf could he find anywhere else??????

 

listen i am repeating and repeating, i know, but it helps. the bottom line is even if you ARE at fault (which you AREN'T!!!!!!), the same thing remains: HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER SMILED QUIETLY AND LEFT. if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. get it??> this is what i keep telling myself to move on. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. only crisis forces change, and you are already there and so am i. this guy is going to wonder what the hell happened when he no longer hears from me. i gave him NO inclination i was going to do this....i was crying and holding him and kissing him the last time we talked. well good, i hit a freaking breaking point. he will probably think i am rude or weak at first...and maybe it is in part, because he would never do this to me -- but he is not in my position to claim he wouldn't!!! only judge what you know, right!!! but i think after a few weeks it will START to sink in. i must keep reminding myself that at first, he is going to feel relief -- that is what usually happens when the pursuer backs off. but, like all the relationship books/sites say, it takes a man a full 6-8 weeks to realize the depth of his feelings. try it. no matter what happens to me this time, i am going to stick it out a full 60 days. no matter if he is crying, ignoring or laughing. we will see where he gets NATURALLY in 60 days, without me enabling him in any way. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN EVEN GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL FROM YOUR MAN. at least i will have peace of mind, once and for all!!!

 

oh and by the way, my best gf from college is driving down tonight for the weekend with her gf!!! what PERRRRRRFECT timing, no?!?

[Kate]

http://www.flamesfirepit.org/intuition.htm -- this was MOST helpful to me!! i'll post another one too....

[Kate]

http://georgewalther.com/articles/hunchlog.pdf

[Kate]

i have not had the urge to call him -- in fact, my only urge has been to hope he doesn't call me so i can get over him. if he starts leaving messages or anything like that, i'm going to have a really tough time. i have had my phone off all day long. this has helped. i am sure he has tried calling me, as i never returned his call yesterday -- however he left no voicemail, so why should i?

 

i am having a hard time knowing if i am being rude or unfair. i feel guilty and slightly cowardly at my approach, as i am clearly avioding him to the fullest extent. however, i believe that i am justified in my actions. though he may see this as disrespectful and may be disappointed, after last week's vacation where tears of frustration rolled down my face right in front of him and he offered us no solution, i should be thinking about my pain. i realize that in no way and i trying to torture him with ignoring him with no warning -- i am finally protecting my heart as i haven't before. i am running, essentially, and am scared to hear his voice in a voicemail or otherwise because the whole situation has just become unbearingly frustrating and uncomfortable. i don't want to weaken and remember all the good tihngs, because there are too many. but the good tihngs have turned bad too, and i will just begin this match of questioning my feelings and actions again. i understand his role in the relationship and why he was a certain way - i understand the end of a 4 year relationship just before me may have had an effect, but things went REALLY slowly as i was aware of this, and we were certainly on the same page. it more than less comes down to the mere fact that even if he wasn't totally ready, there are STILL things irrelevant to that fact that he could have done differently. he didn't have to run every time i got upset, he didn't have to ignore my phone calls for a whole day when i was so desperate to communicate over an argument we had. every "little" thing he did had nothing to do with him not being ready for a relationship -- it had to do with respect. and this is what i need to keep in mind every time i try and make an excuse for him. we certainly could have worked things out had he been less careless and selfish. he is too big for his britches now, so to speak, and it is because of my unconditional love and support. i have enabled him to get to where he is now, and he has lost complete sight of the fact that you can't count on one person to do all of the work. in the end, not doing any work creates more work for you. he had started to learn that in the last month, as every time i was upset about something he stopped running. this was working out well, but couldn't m ake up for the continuous lack of respect and commitment in his actions, as well as a repeated pattern. i was willing to forget every "mistake" i feel he made, just to move forward. but he got lazy -- real lazy. cause i was always there as a fall-back. he would NEVER had suggested time and space had he not had it in the back of him mind that we would be together no matter what. it is my fault as i have him so much validation he never felt he would risk losing me. and i warned him so many times that his actions were affecting me. all of those tears of mine!! geez!! he can cholk it up to any excuse such as "i wasn't ready" or "bad timing" or even "we were just arguing for no reason", but in the end the truth will surface no matter what.

 

so i guess i needed to vent that because i am feeling a little nervous today about dodging him completely. even to talk to him would break me right now, i think. i don't need that. i just want to stay far away so i never feel those horrible feeligns again. if he is not "ready", there is nothing i can do but leave him alone -- and NOT on his terms this time. i will not give him the credit to mutually end things so he feels relief. he won't get that from me because he didn't do any give and take our whole relationship. i don't feel that doing that now is even appropriate, though some of my friends have suggested i just pick up the freaking phone if he calls. well, i don't want to. and if that is selfish and wrong, so be it. it is the only way i can protect myself right now.

[supergirl79]

Kate - how did you fair this weekend? Are you hanging in there? Do you think he knows what's up yet? I hope you were strong and did not call him.....I'm sure you were strong enough :-) I do not think you are being unfair at all. You've made up your mind - honestly, I think if he is curious as to why you're doing what you're doing, he needs to go out of his way to find out - not just call, but prove to you that he cares and is genuinely interested. I am glad you're taking the time to figure it out - and not talk to him to get back into the vicious cycle. Fill me in on how it went.

 

So, now I have the same problem, I went 7 days without one word - except for calling him on his birthday which I just left a voicemail. He text messaged me today telling me "hi - I hope this message makes you smile" and then 5 minutes later he called me. No message though - which I hate. It's so hard for me right now to not call back, but I want to play his game a little - it's hard for me to not contact. But, like you i'm worried he'll get me back into the same situation I was in. I'm having a great weekend so far, and can't decide the best way to proceed. Please advise and try to make sure I think with my head and not my heart. All I can see right now is that he's thinking about me, but was such a jerk to me just a week ago, and now once again - on his terms - he's ready to contact me. But, at the same time, I miss him.

[Kate]

i don't know, i have been going back and forth a bit in my mind as to the best course of action -- but i literally have nothing to say to him and don't want to call him back. i don't think i need to give him a reason, as disrespectful as it may seem to him. this is my last chance to salvage some self respect and each day that goes by i get stronger. if i talk or see him, i will break a little. as for him going out of his way to find out why i am not returning his calls, he is stubborn and lazy. i don't think he will look outside the box -- rather he will just try to consume himself with his friends/other girls. but i'm not worried about that and actually don't really care.....

 

like i mentioneed in my last post, i am concentrating yes, a little on him, but more on myself. i had a fabulous weekend -- the first in MONTHS. it was so overdue. i was with 2 of my best gfs and we had a blast 3 nights in a row. last night it really started to hit me how shortchanged i had made myself. getting into nyc and going to dinner, doing fun, normal stuff, is something i have been missing out on not just because of him, but because i haven't been able to enjoy anything in so long it seems. seeing so many different faces last night gave me so much hope and desire to totally remove myself from the situation. now that i am home, it is a little bit harder, because i am back in my "routine", so i think of him more than i would out of my regular environment. for him, he is always in the same environment more or less, even though he has just moved to a new place. at the end of the day, his need for time and space from me is really just a selfish action. he has never wanted a permanent break from me, though his actions were so avoidant that it could have fooled me...i have never felt wanted by him. i don't know what exactly i have felt.

 

what am i doing to help myself? i have made a 3x5 notecard and made notes about the entire relationship and how i FEEL. i am trying really hard to stop hashing/rehashing things in my mind because then i start to make soooo many excuses for him. really, my excuses are made because i miss him. but, i realize now that he was simply a template for many good qualities i want in a man. everyone has their own unique quirks and whatnot, and someone else will have those special unique things i feel i can't find in anyone else right now. so, i am reading my notecard every now and then, and am SO glad i have kept a journal since the beginning of our relationship -- when i go back and read it, i am just repeating ALL of the same things i am saying NOW! it's amazing, different problems, SAME theme. amazing. seperating myself mentally from him is great. but some moments i really falter and start to miss him. i guess that is normal. there was one other time that i was dating a guy who i thought was perfect for me (because i MADE him perfect for me, just like this one) and i HAD to pick up and leave. it seems guys have a much harder time saying goodbye and they don't want to lose their posessions. so, like my other situation, i must do this myself and not announce it. i fear that the second i announce it, i may talk too much or digress (somewhat like i am here) because i have far too many emotions about it. i fear the second i talk to him, i will feel like things are part my fault and start rationalizing in my mind why i need him.

 

the best advice i can give myself right now to remind myself i need to get out of this is remembering my gut feeling. i am sick of this cycle and have reached a point where i love myself more. it is going to be very difficult, but i really don't even really WANT him anymore at this point!! all of his good qualities are still there in my mind, but are in NO way redeeming to him or the situation. this is a good thing. i really started seeing things more clearly. like i said, i just hit such a bottom that i knew i could never go any lower. this eliminated my fear of anything else, even losing him forever. what else worse is there? for him, he may have hit bottom with "stress" over not being able to make me happy i.e.: returning calls on time, not walking in front of me, not ignoring me randomly, not going hot and cold, not not greeting me like a gf, not blowing me off for family functions out of nowhere, you name it!! poor him. those things were just tooooo tough to do??!! anyhow, his bottom is different than mine. he claims to feel too much pressure and stress. that is amazing to me because he is so damn lazy. he will hit a bottom now, probably realizing how freaking EASY it would have been to keep me. and it's too bad for him, but he will grow up and learn from this experience, hopefully.

 

the biggest lesson i have learned here is how to love myself again, and what not to accept in a person. i realize now that it is wrong to justify any behavior that doesn't coincide with my needs or standards. i will not repeat these mistakes again, nor will i ever settle for less. when i was out last night, i started to remember who i am. my gf from college told me she was starting to see my strength again. she knows me well, and it was nice to hear that. before this relationship, i thought i could take over the world....do anything....now all of the rejection and ignorance has affected my inner confidence, esteem and positivity. ugh. last night felt so good -- to take my own world by storm and not feel bad about being me. i realized that there are SO many men out there who would love a date with me. there were so many, and i didn't even know what to do as they looked at me over and over, i suppose i was a bit frozen because i haven't really opened myself to those situations in a while. but it gave me some hope and inspiration and made me remember myself. i see how broken down i have become by him/the situation, and i think the worst part is that i KNOW i had settled for a guy who wasn't up to my standards ANYWAY -- and that is not quite fair to anyone. but, i did it with the very best intentions. but dating someone you feel is not on your level and THEN getting rejected by the sucks big time!! not wonder i was so broken.

 

so he has called only twice since our trip last week -- we came back very late tuesday night, he waited till friday afternoon to call me. no message and i didn't call back either. then today, monday, he called this afternoon. same story, no message. i'm sure he obviously knows that for whatever reason i don't want to talk to him. and you know what? why do i even want to think about being with someone who wouldn't chase me? i would go to the ends of the earth to chase someone i loved. it's funny, i miss the beginning where when something would go wrong in any way, he would call me immediately or text me saying he wanted to fix it. this was back when my feelings were not as strong and so i did not jump all over fixing things. well, all of his willingness to fix things certainly changed as soon as i started show my emotion and effort. that is stupid as far as i am concerned. the only way this guy ever learns is when he is ignored. at this point, i really don't care and don't think he deserves any communication with me either. i can feel myself getting stronger every day, and i am not trying to play a game with him. but he hasn't given me the communication and respect i have deserved and so i will deal with this the only way i feel comfortable -- total avoidance.

[dreamguy]

Kate,

Throw away the notes you have written and stop doing things that reminds you of him. Stop seeing him, stop calling him and stop answering him. Stop thinking about him. It will get easier. I promise. It might get harder before it starts getting any easier but it will definitely all fade away.

I was lucky to meet someone 3 weeks ago. She's a wonderful person (so far) so I cannot say that I've been thinking about my ex lately because I haven't. My new gf is really more ambitious and smart than my ex. I can see the difference when I'm with her. I feel we understand each other perfectly. So yes, I'm very happy right now and I wouldn't even answer my ex if she called. I might answer her just to tell her to "f*** off" after what she did to me but, still, I don't want her back... not now and not ever !

I had once started a thread (that reached 700 replies before being locked by the forum admins). I started this thread by typing "this goes to all of you out there who, day after day, lose faith".

I can say the same right here right now. This goes to all of you out there who, day after day lose faith. Believe that, even if your ex never comes back to you, you WILL be happy again and sooner than you expect. Don't force your happiness just go with the flow and let go of your ex. Happiness will meet you halfway before you realize it and when it happens you will never want that ex (who treated you shabbily and misused your trust).

Keep the faith and go with the flow ! Life is too short to be spent mourning on some confused, cruel person who never deserved you in the first place !

[Kate]

i am trying so hard to stay strong deep down and on the surface. it's just so hard because i am already missing him so much -- but i must think about the fact that i shouldn't be missing someone who didn't take care of my needs. but, sometimes i guess, that just doesn't take away the hurt. i don't think it's that i'm just lonely, or want someone else -- i keep thinking about the good times and it's stupid. i need to remain strong. in the end, i know i can't worry if he will come back or not. if he really wanted me, he would. i wouldn't have to pine for his attention and love. i have given myself to him the only way that i know how. i know all the reasons why this happened, it's just so frustrating and i feel like talking to him so much. but if i am missing him, i suppose it is the same for him. BUT -- i must be so careful -- he may try hard to talk to me ONLY because he misses me, not because he is ready for something. i know if i feed into it and cave and talk to him, i am only prolonging his indeciciveness, and that is why i decided to run in the first place. there is no big mystery to him, he knows why. and i don't think that a week or two is long enough for someone to crawl into the depths of an empty pit and realize how much they care for you. if he gets over me that fast, he never truly loved me i suppose. i'm trying to put the shoe on the other foot, and i realize that not contacting him also puts a lot of pressure on him and so forth. but wtf. what about my pressure? i am sticking to my gut that if i give this a full 60 days with zero contact at all (nothing, not returning his calls), he will reach his own conclusions and at that point maybe i will be totally over it. i am doing well enough so far, i suppose. i just need to go away on the weekends and stay out of my house until i am ready to go to sleep. keeping my phone turned off is also a big help, because then i don't think about whether or not he has called.

 

ugh all of my positive posts before this and now i feel like i am backsliding a bunch. any advice??? i know what needs to be done here, and i know that right now i need a different person or to be alone altogether. the pain of the love just hurts so much. it sucks how when you are out of touch you start to forget the bad, no? it must be the same for him, too, though. enough for him to change? not sure. i have read so many posts by guys who felt smothered by their gfs, only to break up and then later regret it. i must reach down to the depths of the pain i was experiencing a week ago and realize that at least for today i am in a better place. i wish i could just stop thinking about what he is feeling...

[doubledown]

Kate,

 

I think that deep down you know that this relationship will not work. If you're not happy then he won't be either. Everybody wants to hang on in hopes that someday, even if it's 5 years from now, that we'll look back with our SO and say "wow, we went thru some rough times".

 

You know the answer. Either way you'll have to deal with the pain of not having this person in your life anymore. It's like pulling a tooth, you can either tie it to a doorknob and, Yank. Or wait weeks for it to fall out on it's own.

 

I feel for you (and most of the others here), it's the hardest thing in the world to let go of someone that we think of everyday, and dream of them being there when life is at it's best.

 

For me it's the opposite of your situation. Whereas you two broke up and then kept in contact, my EX dumped me and I have not heard from her since then, 8 months ago. In some ways I think that I'm better off the way it turned out for me, and in other ways I envy what you have. At least you still have him in your life, and it's up to you whether you want to deal with him or not. I never got that choice, it was her decision and she had the last say in the matter. I wanted to work things out, she didn't.

 

Good luck with your decision. I really hope that you BF doesn't have to lose you to appreciate you. You never know what can happen.