RachR Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 When we started dating, we talked about what qualities we like in a partner. I told him how honesty is very important to me. He used the fact to twist my words into "telling it like it is" about what he thought I looked. He would just say "Didn't you tell me that you want an honest guy?" Oh wow, my ex did the same exact thing to me. Maybe these sorts of guys are hatched in the same scummy pond lol. 2
RachR Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Makes me a little mad right now remembering how I was treated and how I let myself get treated like that. OP, he's toxic like you fear, trust your gut, don't waste anymore of your time.
ascendotum Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) Ewww this reminds me of my ex who would say, "I'm just being honest. Would you rather I lied about it? Tell me, why is that better than telling the truth?" And then I wouldn't have an answer because my self esteem was pretty sh*t so I couldn't come up with something. So what would you say to your next bf then..'just be honest' or 'just tell me pretty lies' or 'just be vague and change the subject'? Often the women will broach the subject that leads out to a mine field...how do I compare to your exs when it comes to sex or their figure or the type of figure you wanted in a gf before you met me, and so forth. Sometimes the less experienced/less sensitive guy might blurt it out thinking he's just being upfront and honest with communication or doesn't want to be another guy that compliments a girl all time for her looks no matter what. Chances are an inexperienced guy has probably encountered plenty of attitude over time from women he's tried to chat up so does not realize how insecure they can be when it comes to their figures. (I've been surprised with a couple of confident/sassy gfs). The more savvy & underhanded guys will know they can play on self esteem, but some are clueless because they don't have body issues themselves. Just saying such guys are not necessarily arseholes but just don't realize how much it strikes their gf through the heart (like with you, you kept quiet). Edited February 27, 2013 by ascendotum
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 So what would you say to your next bf then..'just be honest' or 'just tell me pretty lies' or 'just be vague and change the subject'? Often the women will broach the subject that leads out to a mine field...how do I compare to your exs when it comes to sex or their figure or the type of figure you wanted in a gf before you met me, and so forth. Sometimes the less experienced/less sensitive guy might blurt it out thinking he's just being upfront and honest with communication or doesn't want to be another guy that compliments a girl all time for her looks no matter what. Chances are an inexperienced guy has probably encountered plenty of attitude over time from women he's tried to chat up so does not realize how insecure they can be when it comes to their figures. (I've been surprised with a couple of confident/sassy gfs). The more savvy & underhanded guys will know they can play on self esteem, but some are clueless because they don't have body issues themselves. Just saying such guys are not necessarily arseholes but just don't realize how much it strikes their gf through the heart (like with you, you kept quiet). Honestly, I just want a guy not to date me if he is not happy with my looks. If he is happy enough but I am not his ideal, he should keep it to himself.
RachR Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) So what would you say to your next bf then..'just be honest' or 'just tell me pretty lies' or 'just be vague and change the subject'? Often the women will broach the subject that leads out to a mine field...how do I compare to your exs when it comes to sex or their figure or the type of figure you wanted in a gf before you met me, and so forth. Sometimes the less experienced/less sensitive guy might blurt it out thinking he's just being upfront and honest with communication or doesn't want to be another guy that compliments a girl all time for her looks no matter what. Chances are an inexperienced guy has probably encountered plenty of attitude over time from women he's tried to chat up so does not realize how insecure they can be when it comes to their figures. (I've been surprised with a couple of confident/sassy gfs). The more savvy & underhanded guys will know they can play on self esteem, but some are clueless because they don't have body issues themselves. Just saying such guys are not necessarily arseholes but just don't realize how much it strikes their gf through the heart (like with you, you kept quiet). Seems to me you've only cherrypicked this one issue and disregarded all the other comments and things pointed out thus far in this thread about guys like the OP is dealing with (comments and experiences that myself and other posters so far have expressed). Anyway, you've assumed I would broach the subject by asking him things about my appearance, I did not. He was not clueless, he was just a d*** (and I'm also better equipped now to make the distinction between the so called clueless comments and these others types, I can say the same now with more confidence than I could back then, which played a part in me putting up with it in the first place). And he did know it upset me, that's why his whole "What would you rather I say?" deal would come up to defend himself. Edited February 27, 2013 by RachR
ascendotum Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm not being a smartarse, more curious in what you would say to him now to his reply..'What would you rather I say?' I had made a post prior in relation to the OP. Just raising a point that some guys doing such nit picking (occasional and not constant) don't realize how much it hurts their gf and don't have an agenda to lower her self esteem. Okay, in your case there was no ambiguity.
Els Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Cheesus crust. Leave! You're essentially with an overweight porn addict who nitpicks at your appearance and tells you you'll never be enough for him. Not only is that insanely hypocritical, because the first person he should be nitpicking at in terms of weight is himself! But if you stay with him it'll wear down your self esteem so much that when you finally break free and decide to leave him, it'll probably take you a long time to regain your self-esteem AND it will make it more difficult for you to have healthy Rs in the future. I don't usually throw out the 'leave!' bandaid in any but the most clear-cut of situations, and this is as clear-cut as it gets. It's just been 4 months. Cut your losses and leave, leave, leave. 1
Els Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm not being a smartarse, more curious in what you would say to him now to his reply..'What would you rather I say?' I had made a post prior in relation to the OP. Just raising a point that some guys doing such nit picking (occasional and not constant) don't realize how much it hurts their gf and don't have an agenda to lower her self esteem. Okay, in your case there was no ambiguity. 1) In the OP's case it seems like the dude is the one constantly broaching the subject, not her. 2) It doesn't matter what his 'agenda' is, tbh. Plenty of people do jackass stuff without realizing that they're being a jackass. Doesn't mean that the other person has to put up with it. In her case she has already given him a second chance by telling him it upsets her, and he still does it.
Shardish Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I seriously don't know what you see in this man, he's a nothing man. You (if that is you in your avatar) are incredibly attractive and you seem to have a modicum of intelligence, so use that intelligence and end things. If he is being verbally abusive now (criticising you and putting you down) who is to say he won't become physically abusive down the line?
ltjg45 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm not being a smartarse, more curious in what you would say to him now to his reply..'What would you rather I say?' I had made a post prior in relation to the OP. Just raising a point that some guys doing such nit picking (occasional and not constant) don't realize how much it hurts their gf and don't have an agenda to lower her self esteem. Okay, in your case there was no ambiguity. Let me put to you this way: The reason why females ask this question is because it is a "trick question". It's similar to a question an manager would ask an interviewer during an interview. Why is it a "trick question"? Because, unlike many other questions, not only is there a wrong answer but that wrong answer will hurt your standard almost all of the time. The reason behind this question is to figure out what is your actual purpose for being here as opposed to why they think you are here. Those who are aware of it would answer correctly. Those who isn't will reveal their true intentions and eventually be screened out. Like the OP has stated, he has shown his true intentions. She needs to bolt with the new information in hand.
Treasa Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 You're dating my ex. Please please PLEASE break up with him now before you get too invested and he dumps you six years down the road over something stupid, and it takes you weeks of grieving to realize what a loser he is, and how you wasted all that time on someone not good enough for you. Oh wait, that's my exact experience. Please move on now. 1
StanMusial Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I have met a couple of guys like this. You are obviously out of his league so he tries to pick and pick and wear you down into believing you're in his league. It is his own fear and insecurity that makes him manipulate you this way. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I love (for 'love' read 'hate') threads like this: Someone comes in with a problem: (Sad to say it is usually a female).... They list all the problems they're having with their partner, list every upsetting detail, and seek input as to what to do, because it's upsetting/unfair/unwarranted/hurtful/disturbing. Please help. Members come in, offer requested help, give opinions, and pretty much every single contributor in this thread has said, to summarise, 'ditch this creep, he's a jerk. He's the problem, not you.' What happens? The OP comes back in and responds, justifying all the partner's good points, how kind he is, how affectionate, how helpful/loving/considerate.... That's why I avoid threads like this one. because they suck. OP: The guy's an insecure bully. He's a creep. Ditch this jerk. Otherwise, if you keep balancing it all out with your perceived good points, you might just as well suck it up take it and deal with it. And trust me, the longer the relationship goes on, the more he will wear you down, take you for granted and convince you that he's 100% right, and you are completely wrong - and then he will cheat on you with a 'real woman' because he doesn't like doormats. 10
Treasa Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This guy really does sound like my ex. My ex, to sum it up, was overweight, obsessed with video games and transgender porn (I didn't know about that one), lazy, lived at home with his mommy (who cooked and did his laundry and ****), was TERRIBLE at sex and never initiated it, and basically made me feel like crap because he had an "ideal" woman, and I could never measure up to her, because such a woman doesn't exist. Now, he also had good qualities. He was very tidy. He knew how to save money. He was very nice to all his friends. He definitely liked giving hugs and kisses. He was educated. He had a decent job. He was still A LOSER. The good doesn't outweigh the bad, or how he makes you feel about yourself. While I truly believe that you need to be happy about yourself regardless of what others think, if someone is making you unhappy, that person doesn't need to be in your life anymore. 1
Bengal Tiger Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 OP, we know there are good points. Everyone single human being on this planet probably has at least one good point and the type of person who can get a girlfriend definitely has multiple. He's at least charming and thoughtful enough to snag you. And I bet your mama didn't raise no fool. You came here because of the bad points because you apparently have a problem that you desire help resolving. Do you have any specific questions? The resounding answer to "should I leave him?" is overwhelmingly "throw the bum out today over the phone and don't take him back". What most of the women on here would be surprised to find out is I have been there too. My ex was very sweet for about 3 months and then gradually turned into abusive alcoholic sexual addiction cheater who constantly put me down every chance she got and manipulated my insecurities and made me feel guilty about every single aspect of my life. She would say things like "lots of guys want me because I'm so hot but too bad no other girls want you, pathetic effeminate loser" and "you'll never find someone else who loves you as much as I do". She was violently anti-porn, but chose to have casual hookups from online sites and meeting random dudes around campus and at parties to validate her need to feel attractive. And she didn't like condoms, or sharing the fact that she was banging other dudes. It seemed like she would do more and more to see how much she can get away with. She liked keeping lots of backups in case she lost me. Well, when I finally broke up with her she kept calling and showed up at my door at 2AM and would leave gifts outside and keep crying and threatened suicide, and on and on.... Like you, I was in a new city and didn't want to be alone, didn't have many friends, felt deeply insecure, and had no sympathetic ear to turn to for advice. It felt like it was something to endure and get through and she'll change and we'll have a stronger bond when its over, but no. Life is not like that. She only got worse. I wish I had left her back when I first found out that she was such an excellent liar and had completely different values from me. The fact that she had a Kim Kardashian body while I'm an average looking brown dude definitely skewed with my head in ways that she fully understood and used to her advantage. When she found out that I was a wimpy pussy, then she went to work wiping her feet on her much younger less experienced new doormat. That was a difficult lesson to learn the hard way. The true nature of her issues (alcoholism, sexual addiction, etc) had to be pointed out by other people who witnessed this behavior because I had blinders on. I truly thought I was never going to find someone this attractive or this sexually exciting ever again....and its bull****. Don't believe it. She had good points too. The lovely ladies here who hate me for my arrogant bastard posts, the above is why. It's a defense mechanism to thwart the abusers early on and trick people into believing I'm strong and confident. I've got my armor up. Learn from the mistakes of so many others here who are offering you sincere advice. Don't defend the good points anymore. Only decide if the bad points are a dealbreaker or not. Write it down if you have to. Ask real life friends/family/counselors if they have more credibility than random people online. And leave the bum today. Don't wait. He needs a wake up call. 1
dasein Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Doing some reading between the lines of OP admittedly, so forgive me if I'm off-base. You have had too much contact in the early going and should broaden your social circle. Make a social effort in your community to meet and form a circle of friends. This will give you more objectivity about this relationship. The reason I say this is that you say you are a good match in several ways and the constant contact has likely made you both hypersensitive to getting under each others' skin. If the situation doesn't improve with more apart time and your social efforts in the community, then move on. Good luck. 1
Bengal Tiger Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 OP, Be with someone who makes you happy. Never let anyone else dictate how you should feel about yourself. 3
dj572 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'll keep it short and sweet move on and don't even give him the time of day.
Bengal Tiger Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 OP, Pure unconditional love is 100% acceptance of the other without reservation or regret. If you want to change even one thing about the other to make them perfect, then it's not pure love. In case you missed it, dude doesn't love you. 1
dasein Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 OP, Pure unconditional love is 100% acceptance of the other without reservation or regret. If you want to change even one thing about the other to make them perfect, then it's not pure love. In case you missed it, dude doesn't love you. I agree with the above, generally, but not the last sentence. When people get all up each others' tails in the first few months, before a solid foundation of trust is formed, they say and do things that annoy each other. This can turn into a back and forth insecurity fest and power struggle in a relationship that might otherwise be healthy without the early over closeness. OP says she is new in town and has no social outlets, which could exacerbate this. He was looking at porn regularly, seems to be complying with OP or trying to. 90% of our population in a media saturated culture has an unrealistic conception of beauty and what people "should look like" today, porn or no, and this guy was just impolitically honest about it. If that's all he said in four months of constant contact, that's really not that big a deal. IMO OP should go more by how he actually treats her day to day than the dumb things he might say every now and then and vice versa in a social vacuum. OP get out and make a life for yourself in your new community and you will then have more objectivity about this relationship as stated previously.
truth_seeker Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This guy is in an insecure douchebag. OP you can either ditch the loser or stay with him and be a loser.
tbf Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm throwing down the gauntlet to gender double standards. Why is it okay for women to nitpick the man but not for the man to nitpick the woman? Once again, either accept each other "as is" or ditch.
crude Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This guy really does sound like my ex. My ex, to sum it up, was overweight, obsessed with video games and transgender porn (I didn't know about that one), lazy, lived at home with his mommy (who cooked and did his laundry and ****), was TERRIBLE at sex and never initiated it, and basically made me feel like crap because he had an "ideal" woman, and I could never measure up to her, because such a woman doesn't exist. If he was THAT bad, what does it say about you that you were with him? And maybe the OP's man is comparing you to someone like Rayveness, her boobs are this big, her ass that big, and it's all good. Tough to match up with her. http://www.mobiles24.com/static/previews/downloads/default/154/P-517569-8yChkVIWIn-1.jpg
hppr Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 If he was nice and gave lots of compliments rather than criticism you'd probably get bored with him quickly.
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