I wish I could turn back time

[Healing1979]

This is my first thread. I've come here because I'm struggling to cope and thought maybe it would help if I type out.

 

My hubby and I have been separated for 2.5 years. We were together for 10 wonderful years and share 3 beautiful boys.

 

I wish I could turn back time. He has moved on and lives with his new girlfriend and her 3 children. Our children spend time week about.

 

Everytime I get a text or email from him I don't know if its him or his new girlfriend who has typed it out. I feel like its me against them. He puts her children's feelings above me spending quality time with my boys.

 

My heart is so broken and I don't know how to fix it. How to accept that he loves somebody else and our bond is gone. I'm so sad and regretful.

[Healing1979]

I want to have a family again. I want to share my whole life with someone. I want to share my children with somebody I love. Is that even possible?

 

At the moment I share my children with somebody who acts like he hates me but loves somebody I hate. Does he really not love me anymore. He once told me that he knew that one day we would get back together, even if it is 5 years down the track. I think I believed him. He we are 2.5 years down the track and its still not over for me.

 

It is such a mess. Being apart from the father of your young children doesn't feel natural. I don't know why he chose this road. He used to tell me he loved me even more than he loves our children. He chose her and he chose to make this so difficult. Every descision is difficult and full of conflict. Its just too hard for me.

 

The mediators tell me that the way he treats me is domestic violence. My husband was the even tempered man I had ever met. And now he is a monster. I can't work out how to accept it. I grieve the loss of my family every day. The sadness can feel too big to fit inside my body.

[TailSpin75]

I am so sorry to hear of your pain Healing... We all seem to search for the 'magic fix' but alas there is no such thing. It's seems (to me anyway) - that we must all find our way through the process - wheather with help from friends, a councelor, this forum - but it doesn't seem to be something that we can do alone.

 

Thank you for your comment on my post. I find the input and support I receive from this forum to be an amazing benefit. I had asked the question, 'how to let go'. In my time of suffering - I have come to believe that moving on (forward) is the only way to let go. Certainly easier said than done - the fight we fight everyday.

 

What works for me is absolutely minimal contact. I struggle any time she and I have interaction - we exchanged emails briefly today. Messages from her instantly take my heart to a place that seems to nullify days or weeks of 'progress'. But the journey is not linear - it's not like a tree that grows. We have good days and we have bad days. I could easily post thousands of words which describe my brief interactions with her and the feelings they produce. I could write endlessly to describe what she meant to me and how much I loved her. Or now - as I pine for her... But I appreciate the great loss that I'm suffering though and do my best not to dwell. The thoughts (to me) are like having a song stuck in your head - I refuse to sing the words to certain songs.

 

I wish you the best Healing and encourage you to pour yourself into these forums.

[Healing1979]

Thank you.

 

Your reply was very helpful. I read and reread it a few times to let it sink in and it did make me feel better. So thank you.

 

In the community where we live, divorces are quite uncommon. The fact that I see happy families everywhere I go makes it very hard to forget. It also sends me a bit irrational where I feel like I'm the only one who has felt this pain. A pain so intense that it could cripple you. It's very lonely.

 

Of course my rational self knows that is untrue. I also shouldn't feel lonely as I have lots of people in my life who care but surely they must be thinking c'mon, get over it! I tend to keep it all to myself unless prompted by a question and then I blurt it all out leaving them sorry to have asked.

 

So many things he does makes it harder to get over it all. Today I picked our youngest son up from preschool and my ex had filled out a form. Parent 1 - his details and Parent 2 - her details. An invisible knife stabbed my heart at that second.

[M30USA]

OP,

 

What was the reason for divorce? What circumstances led up to it?

 

Also, was it mutual?

[TailSpin75]

Healing - the pain I know all too well can at times be unbearable. It seems that you and I are similar in the sense that when we love someone - we care so deeply for them and invest so much of our 'self' into that relationship. Situations such as ours are completely life changing and tremendously difficult to adjust to.

 

Where initially (for me) I was shocked, stunned, completely dumbfounded at what my life was becoming. There was nothing to grab onto, nothing to claw at to stop the sense that my life was in a flat tailspin. That first month - I truly could not stop thinking about her - it was a paradox to me, a riddle that made no sense and my mind raced endlessly in pursuit of a solution. There must have been some plan, some strategy which I had not yet revealed that would change this outcome and stop the tailspin. Of course, there was no strategy or solution. In fact - what I was looking at and thinking of (her) - there was no problem to be solved. I was cast aside - given a 'new' life, coming to grips with that is still an ongoing battle - but I accept I cannot change it, I can only do the best I can do now. As time passes I can make this 'new' life whatever I want.

 

About a month and half in (after hearing I was to be divorced) - I tried to step back and look at the situation differently. I tried to imagine my life a year from now, how I would be, how I would think about her, and how I would think about myself. Divorce not being uncommon in the world today, there are people I know who 'survived' divorce and of course, with the wonderful world of technology these days, support forums such as LS where we can discover for ourselves - that we are not alone in our suffering and struggles, and became a witness to the many contributors who have survived and rediscovered themselves and their happiness.

 

Emotionally - I conceded that I was going to be a hot fu**ing mess for some time to come. But in my mind - I wanted to dedicate myself to a fully recovery - to heal and let go... this is the nature of our suffering - to want what we cannot have. Amazing how the mind and the heart can look at the same thing and see two completely different pictures. I am approaching 3 months now - and I would be lying if I said I was not struggling every day. But I have committed to honoring the grieving process - to express myself here, in my journal, and twice a day everyday on the phone with my sister. It's my understanding that if we do not let it out - then it will persist. The process is unbelievably slow (my mind knows this) and I hate it. But these days I do worry and think about myself a helluva lot more than I do her.

 

Had I a choice - I would still prefer to hold on - to have an opportunity to reconcile. But as time passes I continue to galvanize the believe that she is not good for me. I did not deserve to be treated the way I was, to be discarded, to be betrayed. I can admit with absolute confidence that what I am most hurt and most upset about is that she is not who I want her to be. For so long she was, and toward the end - it was merely a character she played (it was not genuine).

 

There are times that I ask myself, "Am I waiting for something, am I letting go, am I moving on?". The only measure I have is what I 'do'. It's easier to live life in a safe routine - to justify that routine because it doesn't hurt as much as the thought that she is not going to be in my life - that I am and will never be that special someone to her that I desperately want to be. But she made her choice - and there is not a thing I can do about that. What I can do though - is continue to grieve the loss, to express my pain, my hurt, my suffering as over time she becomes someone I am not desperate to be with. Then to someone I do not want to be with. It would be great if it were like flipping a switch, but nothing about true heart ache seems that way.

 

I encourage you to pour yourself into this forum, to let out the pain and receive the genuine care and support of others here. I'll be looking for your postings Healing and hoping for the best for you.

Edited February 27, 2013 by TailSpin75
correction

[Healing1979]

Tailspin, you are very insightful and you are lucky to be so in touch with your feelings. I find it hard to read my feelings sometimes.

 

I am teary quite a lot. If there is a trigger, the tears fall automatically. I tell myself its because I want him back, but do I? Why would I? He is nasty and abusive (these days). He is also the victim in every situation. Back when we were together although we were mostly happy, I recognised even then that there were big issues. Drinking, over spending, off loading responsibilties, under achieving, materialistic.

 

So why I am still upset? Is it because I feel so much guilt toward my children? Is it because life is so full of conflict - communicating in order to come to an sort of agreement is extremely hard, the grass over here is not greener but plain dirt!

 

He and his new girlfriend moved in together within a month of meeting each other. Now together they have 6 kids. She took her children out of their school and put them into the same school as my children go to. She has started making friends with my friends. Is she my replacement?? She has also been horrible, to the point where I was considering an AVO.

 

I know he definitely loved me - or at least that is what he told me and anyone else that would listen. We were a team and now I'm on my own. I have so many fears regarding my boys (predicting hard times) and I'm so scared of facing them on my own. As a mother will I do or say the right thing? I always felt like he adored me, like I was the luckiest woman on the planet but when it came down to walking the walk, he let me down.

 

Am I waiting for something or letting go? That is my question too!

[TailSpin75]

Healing - I would like to point something out that I hope you can take some comfort in, clearly you recognize that something is not right with how you feel about him now... after this much time. Recognizing that is a wonderful thing - take a moment to at least appreciate that. I am a compassionate, genuinely caring human being - and I want for you Healing what I want for myself, to recover in full and successfully move past the suffering. I do not pretend to educate or enlighten you - only hope I can inspire and share with you some of the things that I've learned, tried, have had success with, and the methods from which I have placed confidence.

 

The nature of this sort of healing, recovery, moving on, letting go - whatever it can be called, is very challenging. We can receive all the input or advice from anyone or everyone in the world - but in the end we must all rescue ourselves. You called me 'lucky' for being in touch with my feelings - I appreciate the kind words, but please understand my life too is a struggle everyday and contrary to the illusion of composure that my postings may imply, most of the time I am a hot mess.

 

The primary method in which I use to express my feelings, to stop the swirling of the thoughts, is writing; that is a method that works for me. As I mentioned earlier - what I've learned (and have been experiencing the value of) is that getting the feelings and thoughts out is a vital part of the healing and recovery process. I am happy (for you) to see that you are returning and posting here - I continue to encourage you to keep returning and 'getting it out'.

 

I completely understand and empathize with the emotions you are carrying, wrestling, and trying desperately to understand. I have read your posts several times looking for insight about you and I am beginning to wonder if you and I are not that different in how our minds work. For myself - I am fully aware that I am an analytical minded, very rational person. I am a deep thinker and (with the exception of my current situation) rather enjoy contemplating myself and my experiences. I have read about, researched on the web, and spoke with my counselor about feelings and thoughts - not mine specifically and how they are created, related, and processed. I learned two very valuable things (neither of which I like or prefer, but it doesn't make them less true). (1) I cannot rationalize away my feelings - I cannot 'figure something out' to make them go away and I had to stop thinking about my feelings as though they were a problem that I could 'solve' (again, I wish I could but it's just not how it works). (2) Feelings come from thought. My therapist likened it to a movie. Said no movie (feelings) can exist without their first being a written script (thoughts).

 

About 6 weeks after learning of divorce, after a period of true suffering, I stepped back to reassess my method, to question myself, and to envision (as realistically as possible) how I would be in one year. I knew that if I was to commit my to recovery I would have to apply what I learned to be true regardless of what I wanted to be true. Let's be honest though, this entire situation (for me and perhaps you as well) is something that I do not want to be true - but it is, it absolutely is.

 

Honor the grieving process. For me, this has not been too much of a challenge. In fact, it does not require a lot of effort to just express what I'm feeling at the time and the thoughts that are in my head at the time. Took a bit to adjust to (especially since I do put some effort into what I write) - it's less about being poetic and more about being honest, about dumping or purging what is in me. I learned, over time, to just let it out - to stop thinking about how it sounded or even if it made sense - it does not have to, it just needs to get out. For example, I do get upset that life continues while I am suffering - that the world is so insensitive despite my struggle. My point is, there is no judgement - no right or wrong feelings. The purpose is to shed rather than analyze (something I continue to reprogram myself to). I am sad to say that it does not take away the feelings, but over time I have become a believer that their intensity is diminishing - I am a witness to the benefits of purging.

 

I knew this would not be enough (cruel world). Since I knew (and continue to remind myself) that feelings come from thoughts - I needed to think about what I thought about. BAD MOVE. I found right away that this only allowed thoughts to persist or to be reinforced and, of course, those negative feelings in which I was so desperate to escape also persisted. My method was wrong and I had to make a change. For me, the thoughts are omnipresent, in droves. And it's absolutely in my nature to grab them, to contemplate them, and attempt to resolve them - but I had to learn (and am learning) to not do that. I mentioned a couple of days ago that for me, it's like having a song stuck in your head and I'm learning to not sing along with it. I just let it play while concentrating my efforts on something else - work, exercise, reading, T.V., journaling, talking with a friend. I find this is a perpetual struggle. Not nearly as bad as it was 8 weeks ago, but still a struggle.

 

You mentioned that you tell yourself you want him back, and question if you do or why you would. I can completely relate to that. I'll tell you now - I believe I want her back (thought my mind calls me an idiot because she does not deserve me). But this though will cripple me if I give it my attention - because she made a choice nearly 3 months ago that no longer makes this a possibility. Of course it doesn't change what I want - but that's where the methods come in. We absolutely have to believe that cannot change others but we can change ourselves. It seems to me that your mind and your heart continue to be at war - so keep dumping, let a journal or this forum be the battlefield where this war is fought. Honor the grieving process but do your best not to dwell. You do not need to figure out how to let go of persistent thoughts, you need only be able to recognize when you're pondering them and just think about something else. (I have 'go to' thoughts that I change every week or so because the begin to lose their impact. At first when I recognized I was dwelling - I instantly began counting prime numbers, a week later I changed it and began saying the alphabet backwards... again, a method that works for me).

 

Also, do not question yourself - "Why am I thinking that?", "Where did that come from?" - it only adds to the stress. I wrestled with myself for weeks - asking what was wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with us - true heart break is completely and totally devastating and it takes time. It's ridiculous to me the amount of time that this process is expected to take.

 

I didn't (don't) want to let her go - but there really is no choice. I recover knowing I did all I could to 'save' my marriage. 6 weeks ago I decided to make that choice to let her go and to accept the loss. Unfortunately, as you know too well, making a declaration doesn't really change any of the feelings. Being the analytical minded person I am however, I took faith in knowing that I could develop a method - build a road map that would lead me to my new goal or recovery. I am on that road - and I suffer, and I struggle, and I worry - but I also know that I am making progress. She does not dominate my thoughts like she use to. I am quicker at recognizing when I am dwelling. I do not see her as often in my minds eye as the 'dream girl' I thought she was.

 

Keep posting Healing - I absolutely believe that you are heading in the right direction. I encourage you to explore methods that you think will work for you. Drop the thoughts that do not serve you. For me, I use to wonder what she was doing or if she is with someone - as you can easily see for me, the answers to those questions are going to break my heart. More importantly, I recognized that by the nature of divorce - those could no longer be concerns to me. These were the first thoughts I dropped and I am pleased to say that these questions very infrequently come to mind. You (we) will get past this Healing!!!

[ver13]

If I may ask why did he leave in the first place?

[Shocked Suzie]

I want to have a family again. I want to share my whole life with someone. I want to share my children with somebody I love. Is that even possible?

 

At the moment I share my children with somebody who acts like he hates me but loves somebody I hate. Does he really not love me anymore. He once told me that he knew that one day we would get back together, even if it is 5 years down the track. I think I believed him. He we are 2.5 years down the track and its still not over for me.

 

It is such a mess. Being apart from the father of your young children doesn't feel natural. I don't know why he chose this road. He used to tell me he loved me even more than he loves our children. He chose her and he chose to make this so difficult. Every descision is difficult and full of conflict. Its just too hard for me.

 

The mediators tell me that the way he treats me is domestic violence. My husband was the even tempered man I had ever met. And now he is a monster. I can't work out how to accept it. I grieve the loss of my family every day. The sadness can feel too big to fit inside my body.

 

Hi, I'm new to this forum too but can totally relate to where you are at, we are in a very similar place right now. It's overwhelming isn't it! How they seem to hate you... My husband said its my fault he had an affair because he's been unhappy for the last two years "news to me" why not say??

 

His comment that In a few years you might get back together?? I'd take that in two ways! He's trying to leave you hanging in a mega selfish way or he's trying to ease his guilt?? How did you feel when he said that to you.... Think if it was me it would have given me force hope, which is really unfair! For you to move forward I think you need to get this thought/his suggestion out of your mind or healing will be really hard..??? What do you think? Early days for me too, so this is really all new to me, but his comment of his bugged me...

 

Thank you for sharing your story this site has been very helpful the past two days

 

:-) x