on rejection

[aj1982]

Hey guys. I was hoping to get some of your thoughts/reactions and maybe help me out a bit from a recent rejection. To give a bit of context, I am in my mid to late 20s and have suffered from depression throughout adolescene and into adulthood. Simply put, I've dealt with a lot of issues around abandonment and social anxiety, and have seen therapists for a number of years now.

 

There was a girl I worked with at my office a few years ago. I didn't really know her all that well when she was there (since at the time I was in a relationship). She is likely returning to work sometime soon. Anyways, I was recently dumped out of a 2.5 year relationship back last September. Lately I've felt more ready to get back on the dating scene, and asked this girl out for drinks sometime. She immediately responded and seemed very interested and said we would get together when she got back (she was going out of town for a bit). When she returned, I tried to pin down a date, only to be told after a couple attempts that her schedule was too busy at the moment and maybe we can get together when things died down a bit. I kind of just played it casual and made it seem like I didn't care, but I am crushed.

 

I know through a friend of hers that she is single and has been talking a lot with her ex boyfriend (so says the friend). As far as I can see, there could be a number of reasons why she rejected me (ie: potential of working together, something happened with her ex-boyfriend, etc...). These are out of my control and I realize there's nothing I can do about it. But all I focus on right now is how I am weird, or did something strange, or unattractive, or uninteresting, etc...

 

I cannot stomach the feeling of rejection. The truth is I don't even know her at all - she is just cute and I built her up in my head to be something way more than she may even be. For whatever reason I just can't stop thinking about her, about being rejected and about how crappy of a candidate I must be in the dating world - I feel unattractive, uninteresting, boring - like a social hermit.

 

Look I know nobody likes being rejected - and nobody likes the feelings that come with it - but it seems to hit me so much harder than most people. Probably because of my issues with abandonment/social anxiety and having been left by my ex girlfriend not too long ago.

 

Any advice would be really appreciated. I am just wondering what your thoughts were on dealing with the rejection and coping with the negative feelings I have about myself that seem to ruminate incessantly. All I think about is that she was perfect for me, and I am a no good loser for not being able to get her. I'm sure all of these thoughts/feelings are normal - I just take them to abnormal levels and cannot stop thinking about it. I just feel awful about myself.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hey guys. I was hoping to get some of your thoughts/reactions and maybe help me out a bit from a recent rejection. To give a bit of context, I am in my mid to late 20s and have suffered from depression throughout adolescene and into adulthood. Simply put, I've dealt with a lot of issues around abandonment and social anxiety, and have seen therapists for a number of years now.

 

There was a girl I worked with at my office a few years ago. I didn't really know her all that well when she was there (since at the time I was in a relationship). She is likely returning to work sometime soon. Anyways, I was recently dumped out of a 2.5 year relationship back last September. Lately I've felt more ready to get back on the dating scene, and asked this girl out for drinks sometime. She immediately responded and seemed very interested and said we would get together when she got back (she was going out of town for a bit). When she returned, I tried to pin down a date, only to be told after a couple attempts that her schedule was too busy at the moment and maybe we can get together when things died down a bit. I kind of just played it casual and made it seem like I didn't care, but I am crushed.

 

I know through a friend of hers that she is single and has been talking a lot with her ex boyfriend (so says the friend). As far as I can see, there could be a number of reasons why she rejected me (ie: potential of working together, something happened with her ex-boyfriend, etc...). These are out of my control and I realize there's nothing I can do about it. But all I focus on right now is how I am weird, or did something strange, or unattractive, or uninteresting, etc...

 

I cannot stomach the feeling of rejection. The truth is I don't even know her at all - she is just cute and I built her up in my head to be something way more than she may even be. For whatever reason I just can't stop thinking about her, about being rejected and about how crappy of a candidate I must be in the dating world - I feel unattractive, uninteresting, boring - like a social hermit.

 

Look I know nobody likes being rejected - and nobody likes the feelings that come with it - but it seems to hit me so much harder than most people. Probably because of my issues with abandonment/social anxiety and having been left by my ex girlfriend not too long ago.

 

Any advice would be really appreciated. I am just wondering what your thoughts were on dealing with the rejection and coping with the negative feelings I have about myself that seem to ruminate incessantly. All I think about is that she was perfect for me, and I am a no good loser for not being able to get her. I'm sure all of these thoughts/feelings are normal - I just take them to abnormal levels and cannot stop thinking about it. I just feel awful about myself.

 

I have/had major problems with rejection. It eats me up and destroys my self esteem. I've been rejected a lot.

 

The truth is she wants someone better. Than you. If she wanted you, then she'd find a way to jump in your lap. Believe me. So, how do you handle that?

 

Most people handle it by declaring the person that rejected them an idiot, and that someone would have to be insane to reject them because they are just that awesome. For others, they take it upon themselves and let their self esteems get pulverized. I've seen many instances of each here.

 

 

Here. Watch that video and let me know what you think. You feel a little less sorry for yourself? You feel like the game of 'getting the best you can get' and 'feeling unattractive' are silly?

 

I did. And I still do.

[thecrucible]

Lately I've felt more ready to get back on the dating scene, and asked this girl out for drinks sometime. She immediately responded and seemed very interested and said we would get together when she got back (she was going out of town for a bit). When she returned, I tried to pin down a date, only to be told after a couple attempts that her schedule was too busy at the moment and maybe we can get together when things died down a bit.

 

Yeah that kind of comment is usually a polite blow off. Unless she says "I'm not free on Tuesday, but I'm free next Friday" or something similar to let you know that she's definitely still available, then she's letting you down gently.

 

But all I focus on right now is how I am weird, or did something strange, or unattractive, or uninteresting, etc...

 

Don't focus on why because you're unlikely to ever find out the real reason for someone rejecting you. It does not say anything about you. For instance, can you say with honesty that you fancy every woman you see? Of course you don't. Whether or not you feel attraction to someone is not really in your control, or hers.

 

I cannot stomach the feeling of rejection. The truth is I don't even know her at all - she is just cute and I built her up in my head to be something way more than she may even be.

 

I know how you feel/what you mean. You have to try not to build people up though because then you're not really falling for them, but your fantasy of them. I always reject guys who do that with me because it doesn't seem like they really like me. It feels like they'd like any woman they come across.

 

Focus on whether they're right for you, and not whether you're right for them. Don't make it about them judging you. Start screening them and then you can come to it in a more balanced way.

 

I am just wondering what your thoughts were on dealing with the rejection and coping with the negative feelings I have about myself that seem to ruminate incessantly. All I think about is that she was perfect for me, and I am a no good loser for not being able to get her. I'm sure all of these thoughts/feelings are normal - I just take them to abnormal levels and cannot stop thinking about it. I just feel awful about myself.

 

Don't put yourself down, honey. Self-pity is never attractive to anyone. It doesn't sound like you are ready to date. No healthy woman will date a guy with really big issues. I'm not being insensitive either. I actually have suffered from depression, now recovered and really I know that dating someone with depression is not something most people want to take on and I completely understand why.

 

Good luck. Chin up. Remember she is just one person. No one is perfect. No one is the perfect partner for anyone. We all have our faults. We all go to the toilet.