RhapsodyinBlue Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Me and this guy initially hit it off and have been talking for about four months. I'm 24 and he's 27. He is surrounded by people who take advantage of him emotionally. I'm not even trying to be biased. Everyone else can see it but him. He only has 3 friends and his family disowned him because he's gay. In fact, he lives with the guy who takes advantage of him. The guy has a nice home and charges him minimal rent. He met that guy when he was going through his break up with his ex a year and a half ago (who I still don't think he's over). O likes him and my friend doesn't like him. They tried having a relationship and it didn't work, but O is persistent. So the guy does whatever he can to control my friend and even buys him crazy gifts. Also, he snoops through my friend's things when he's not there. They've gotten into two physical fights. Get this: My friend's OTHER friend, M, is not allowed to come over IF O thinks there is "something going on between them." What the hell? Are you his daddy? But then again, M ALSO likes my friend, but they can't get along for too long without fighting and then making up again. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but 1) I don't want to be apart of the madness because there is so much tension between all three of his friends. It's like they're fighting over my friend and 2) I'm not sure my friend even know what he wants. The first month was cool, it looks like maybe we were headed toward the path of dating considering when we initially met, the energy was so crazy. We both were definitely attracted to one another. We both agreed to take our time to get to know one another. Even though it's the second month, I'm seeing red flags. I notice my friend is a little obsessive over his good friend M. Yes, they started trying to date and he believes it wouldn't work, but I don't know he seems a little too emotionally dependent on the guy. Also, I don't think my friend is totally over his ex, who lied and cheated on him constantly. They were together 4 years. Understandable. But it seems like IN MY OPINION that he's holding on to this possibility that he and ex will reconnect after he's realized all the wrong he's done to my friend. It's kind of scary to me. It makes me think if we were to start dating, you'd ditch me for your ex in a heartbeat. No loyalty? But I may be jumping the gun since he said we should be friends and see where it goes. He then asked if I was only his friend because I was hoping it would lead to more. Umm from the interactions we had with one another, it kind of did look like it was leading to more. He said he doesn't want to force things WHICH is true, BUT I'm starting to wonder if this is just an excuse because he really doesn't know what he wants right now. I told him ideally I would like for it to lead to more, but I just need to know so I can respect our boundaries. I also told him, I didn't feel comfortable hooking up with him anymore. I haven't hooked up with him in over 3 weeks. (We hooked up 3 times) Because if not, I don't want to waste my time just "seeing" where things go when I could be shifting my attention elsewhere. Especially considering that he always wants to complain to me and talk about his problems. I just wanted some clarity: Are we friends? Are we friends with benefits? Are we even MUTUALLY attracted to one another? He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with he and his friends. I said prior obligations. But I asked would they have even minded if I went? He said was going to ask O earlier if would be okay if joined them. Then he asked why I wanted to know. I said, "Just wondering." It kind of proved my point. I just had a similar situation (last year) in which a friend kept assuring me let's see where things go and that we should remain friends. Yet he was always flirting with me and got jealous if he found out I was talking to other people. Eventually we agreed we weren't compatible but I had been there for him through the TOUGHEST of times. So we were kind of tight. Once he got a boyfriend, he stopped reaching out and even would ignore my texts. It took me three months to find out he was in a relationship. I just don't want another repeat to happen. It hurt me a lot. However, I learned that that situation can't stop me from loving people, BUT I also won't be a fool. When red flags pop up, I will definitely take notice. I do agree relationships should develop and progress, but I don't want to feel like I'm being treated as an option, when I'm treated him as a priority. I do want a relationship. It sounds like he doesn't want one right now--which is fine. But please don't expect me to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind--especially knowing that's there could be a chance you may not even want me at all. He's a SWEET guy and I think we'd make a great couple--despite all that drama around him. Any ideas or thoughts of this madness or am I making things worse than what they are? Of course, I need to do more communicating on my part. I just wanted to gather other opinion's first. Damn it, my brain hurts and so does my spirit. I've taken on too much energy for the day.
thecrucible Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 That was a long post and I noticed that you didn't have a lot of replies. Try not to make his problems your own because it's not your job to deal with them. Focus only on working out your relationship compatibility with him. If you are finding all these faults with him, you are talking yourself out of dating him. You know what the answer is. Have the strength to go with your gut on this. If it felt right, you wouldn't have to think about it this much.
Author RhapsodyinBlue Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 That was a long post and I noticed that you didn't have a lot of replies. Try not to make his problems your own because it's not your job to deal with them. Focus only on working out your relationship compatibility with him. If you are finding all these faults with him, you are talking yourself out of dating him. You know what the answer is. Have the strength to go with your gut on this. If it felt right, you wouldn't have to think about it this much. Thanks. That was all the confirmation I needed.
Author RhapsodyinBlue Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 That was a long post and I noticed that you didn't have a lot of replies. Try not to make his problems your own because it's not your job to deal with them. Focus only on working out your relationship compatibility with him. If you are finding all these faults with him, you are talking yourself out of dating him. You know what the answer is. Have the strength to go with your gut on this. If it felt right, you wouldn't have to think about it this much. I realized that to a certain degree I am making his problems my own, something I usually do with people I'm close to because I'm very empathetic (by default). So it could be clouding my judgement. I can say that I could see myself dating someone like him. But I guess my biggest concern overall is whether or not he even has [true] feelings for me? My interpretation of "Let's be friends and see where it goes" is I don't really have any feelings for you, but that may change down the line? But then again, it's my interpretation, it's not the absolutely truth. I guess I'm just being a little controlling.
mortensorchid Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 The whole situation sounds a little crazy, quite honestly. I would move on from it ASAP, you don't need all this foolishness making crazy in your life as well. You said he doesn't talk to his family and only has 3 friends. If you get involved with someone who doesn't have a healthy social life they will rip yours apart. You don't deserve this.
ja123 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I was going to take your post and highlight all the parts that you should take notice of, but there are too many points to mention: madness, lack of boundaries, dependency, etc. etc. etc. You are clearly intelligent. Re-read your post in an objective manner and you have your answer. Leave now! Don't consider pursuing this man. You are letting your attraction for him skew your judgment. I'd consider taking major distance from this guy (i.e., not even be his friend if you're attracted to him), and cultivate other dating options. Bonne chance!
zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 sounds too complicated to bother with. some people aren't worth the drama.
Author RhapsodyinBlue Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Yeah, you guys were right. I haven't seen him in a month. The last time we hung out was in Malibu in a park where I was pretty consoling him because him and his friend fell out. Then he thanked me for being so easy to talk to and so "spiritual." Meanwhile, he works a lot, goes to school and has health issues. We were texting almost everyday but they were SO negative. He was always stressed and would say things like, "I'm okay." He even called me in the middle of the day last week because he saw some pics of his ex-boyfriend on instagram and he has a new boyfriend. I was enough to console him, but I definitely had my guard up especially since he told me he wanted to be friends and get to know each other. I'm going to Panama this Saturday. I suggested that we hang out. But his schedule is always "hectic" and his health is priority (he has a thyroid cancer). BUT I notice for the past month he was going out to concerts (two), went to a movie premiere, when out to the bars and etc but never had time for me or never invited me anywhere. He was out on Monday and had some free time. I suggested we get some lunch. No...he went back home and went to sleep instead and pretended as if he never saw that message because clearly he saw the other messages I had sent around the same time. I had an issue like this with a past friend who did the same thing, but when he got a new man he ditched me and ignored me and never reached out. I won't play that game again. So I called him out because I will NOT be anyone's emotional phone buddy. How the **** are we going to get to know each other if we don't hang out or if we do text or talk on the phone it's about health issues and other depressing ****. He got mad and said I had certain expectations from him (romantic) and that it was my fault that he couldn't meet those expectations. He then said he didn't want to argue via text and that the argument was "immature and frankly stupid." That didn't sit too well with me. He's ignored me for two days. But I told him deuces. At the end of the day, he'll be on the one whining to his friends about how "hurt" he got. I told him he will continue to keep getting hurt until he stops and realizes that's hurting other people by a) putting up barriers b) playing victim c) holding other people accountable for his ex-boyfriend's and dad's past actions. I had called and texted him out of concern--yeah yeah yeah I can be a softy. But I've been through this before. I won't play the fool anymore. I'm going to Panama for 10 days. I have business (in Panama) to take care and fun to have and graduation coming up. I don't have time for little school boy games. I will definitely be out of contact. Told him don't think bout hitting me up crying with your problems.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Good for you, man. I dated a girl like that - disaster city. Also, with all of these other guys around that he dated (one of whom he's living with), I think there would be major problems. Go for guys with less drama and baggage in their lives.
Author RhapsodyinBlue Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Thanks for you advice. I've heard people to tell me to be patient so many times. In situations like that above, I've learned it's best to just walk away. No one deserve to have to deal with other people's energetic garbage. It's draining. Lol he also blocked me on Facebook. This guy I tell ya. 27? I know they say guys have a hard time expressing themselves, but I can't deal with men or women (in general) who don't communicate, so I sure as hell won't date one. Thanks for all the advice guys. 10 days with no technology or school work or roommate drama...whew...I need this break so much lol.
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