Attention loveshack veterans, I need your guidance

[CaliBabe]

So my ex and I broke up this past weekend. We broke up as he thought I was cheating on him since I went out clubbing with my girlfriends. We later had a discussion where he was bringing up some old things that happened in the past trying to make me feel bad. He had suspicions I had hooked up with someone way in the beginning of our relationship. Just to get it off my shoulders I confessed that yes, I had hooked up with that person but quite frankly it was none of his business as we were not dating, not in love and I was not in a commited relationship to him or anyone. At the time I had barely met him for two weeks.

 

I had no idea we would fall madly in love, but we did. My ex knew I had seen the guy in the very beginning stages and asked if anything happened. I lied and said no to spare his feelings which I know is wrong. I just didn't think I owed him that since we were not an item and he didn't even want to commit to me at the time.

 

Anyhow, I understand how upset he is at me but I don't feel that it should be a deal breaker. He has done wrong too and I have forgiven him... After all thats what love is... Trust and forgiveness right?

 

He swore up and down that I cheated on him when I went out with my friends (which I did not) and he is also upset about the other guy in the beginning. I did all the things your not suppose to do, I begged and pleaded for him to not leave our relationship and to try to work on things. He was so mad at me that he just couldn't do it. He said he wasn't sure if he will regret this later but at the moment he just couldn't be with me. He called me some pretty bad names but quickly apologized for speaking to me that way.

 

The odd thing is... He continued to contact me... Everyday. He initiated all contact. He would text me in the morning and even called me on Sunday. We spoke and he mentioned trying to be friends which I denied. His texts to me were small talk and not about trying to make things work again. His most recent text to me asked if I wanted to come pick up my things which broke my heart and made me think he did not want to reconcile. I immediately turned off my phone yesterday evening. My sister called me on the house phone (which he does not have) and told me that he sent her a message asking if I was okay as he was worried about me... Why is he worried? I mean he is the one who broke up with me and didn't want to work things out... Asked if I wanted to pick up my things making me think it was truly over over right?

 

I have been an emotional wreck for 3 days straight. Crying all day and night, not being able to sleep or eat. I felt like turning off my phone and "disappearing" was the only way for me to get control back and heal myself. I just needed some peace. In no means do I want the relationship to be over I just wanted to get myself together. My ex messaged my sister a couple more times inquiring about me. I know me going NC is for me and my own mental health but I wanted to get someone elses thoughts, ideas or advice on my situation. Also, does me going silent and disappearing only make things worse for reconcilliation? Thank you all for reading this and taking the time to respond, I truly appreciate it.

[AlexfromBoston]

Well any lie, no matter how small it may seem, can be detrimental to any relationship. A mistruth in regards to a bout of infidelity, regardless of the stage in a relationship, is absolute poison. I am sure he will never fully trust you again and without trust, you really don't even have a friendship, let alone a relationship. So keep that in mind when you attempt to reconcile. Also, going NC in this case is probably a good choice for your own mental health. If you feel like you are losing grip over a failed or failing relationship, the last person you should contact is your boyfriend. You should probably talk to close friends and family. However, I think you can fix things if you both really wanted to...just understand that the trust is gone and it WILL be an uphill battle. When you are clear headed and feeling better, maybe you can contact him and try and work things out. That is, if you and your ex are willing to work things out. The only thing that can quell conflict is space and time. So give him some space and give him some time to reflect. Good luck hun.

Edited February 26, 2013 by AlexfromBoston

[2sure]

Unless at the beginning of your committed relationship you had a conversation with each of you revealing every person you had sex with ....then who you had sex with prior to your committed relationship is not an issue you need to disclose or defend.

 

You went out clubbing with girlfriends and he is pissed so, says you're cheating.

 

He breaks up with you but stays in constant contact. When you ignore him he doesn't care for that, so claims to be worried.

 

Controlling much? Get your stuff. Be nice. Don't respond to his every text.

He will be back as soon as he realizes he isn't in control.

 

Me? I'd tell him to take his issues and find someone who can enjoy them.

[TaraMaiden]

Send him this message:

 

"I love you. I did not cheat on you when I went out with my friends. but if that's what you want to convince yourself of, then that's the way it is.

A lot has happened in our relationship, but I was under the impression we had something really good.

I am convinced that if we talk things over and establish where we are together, this is not dead in the water. I feel it.

But you have insisted that nothing can salvage it now.

You want me out of your place, so I guess that means out of your life.

 

Please stop trying to contact me. It hurts and wounds me to the core. I need time, space and to be left alone to get over you.

If you really want to contact me, then the only reason you should, is to tell me my feelings are right; this CAN work, and we are good together.

Only contact me if you want to make a go of us, and sincerely, we will both work together to make it work beautifully.

 

but if the only reason you keep contacting me is to see if I'm ok, then No. Of course I'm not OK.

I'm heartbroken and dumped. That means that the more you try to keep in touch, the more heartbreaking it is.

 

Please have the respect for me to leave me alone, unless you - like me - feel breaking up is just the wrong thing to do."

[destroyed4sho]

Sounds like you did nothing wrong here. You were in the early dating stages when you slept with the other guy. There was no commitment so its a no brainer - not your fault. Men are a little more sensitive to the thought of their gf with another man...not saying that his is the real reason he broke up with you.

 

Did your bf not allow you to hang out with your gfs? Did you initially lie about hanging out with them. I dont think there is anything wrong with hanging.out with friends. Why would he suspect you cheated? Again, you did nothing wrong here.

 

My ex also accused me of cheating a year before we broke up and also started not liking the fact that i hung out with my friends too. This may seem like the reason she dumped me but i feel that it was just an excuse. She started being distant with me and raging way before the accusations. I know now that she had checked out of the relationship a while back. I think that this is what is happening in your case. For whatever reason he has checked out and now bringing up some small thing in the past and in the present to break up with you. He knows you didnt do anything wrong. But he still wants out of the relaionship regardless.

 

With him textig you everyday..it means nothing. NOTHING.

 

He is adjusting to not having you around and its just break up residual. Eventually his texts will.become fewer and farther apart until he just flat out ignores you in time. Might as well beat him to it and not help him along this process.

[CaliBabe]

Thanks for the responses back everyone. I should mention that yes, I did tell my ex that I was going out with my girlfriends which he usually doesn't mind. I think he was getting upset at how I was dressed (photos on Facebook) and also how much attention I was getting on Facebook alot of people, alot of men were complimenting me, etc. It made him jealous. We had planned to meet up after but I wasn't feeling so well and cancelled thats when he began accusing me of cheating, like I wasn't going to see him so I must be with someone else.

 

The man is absolutely in love with me, I do not question that for a second. I am just trying to make sense of this. Like he has made some mistakes that I have forgiven him for. I feel as though he should forgive me also, as I have done for him.

 

Anyway, my phone is off and I am thinking about keeping it off for a few days to get some clarity and clear my head. I feel like its a good idea for me, but I feel bad making him worry and stress out as to why my phone is off and he can't contact me. I mean he has resorted to contacting my sister for goodness sakes...

[Leigh 87]

Sounds like you did nothing wrong here. You were in the early dating stages when you slept with the other guy. There was no commitment so its a no brainer - not your fault. Men are a little more sensitive to the thought of their gf with another man...not saying that his is the real reason he broke up with you.

 

Did your bf not allow you to hang out with your gfs? Did you initially lie about hanging out with them. I dont think there is anything wrong with hanging.out with friends. Why would he suspect you cheated? Again, you did nothing wrong here.

 

My ex also accused me of cheating a year before we broke up and also started not liking the fact that i hung out with my friends too. This may seem like the reason she dumped me but i feel that it was just an excuse. She started being distant with me and raging way before the accusations. I know now that she had checked out of the relationship a while back. I think that this is what is happening in your case. For whatever reason he has checked out and now bringing up some small thing in the past and in the present to break up with you. He knows you didnt do anything wrong. But he still wants out of the relaionship regardless.

 

With him textig you everyday..it means nothing. NOTHING.

 

He is adjusting to not having you around and its just break up residual. Eventually his texts will.become fewer and farther apart until he just flat out ignores you in time. Might as well beat him to it and not help him along this process.

 

 

 

I don't agree.

 

He is contacting her sister! It sounds to me like he does not want to break up at all, but rather, he cannot get past the insecurity.

 

Calibabe - Tara Maiden gave a great response you should give to him..... Unless he wants you back, he should leave you alone!

 

Also - I know people who kissed other people, like a week or two after meeting their now partners?

 

It IS no big deal, although it depends on the individual.

 

For instance: some people to not mult date. No exceptions. Therefore, they would not be able to get past what you did, as they have different values to you in this regard.

 

Then there are people like me, who, while I do not multi date, I do not mind if the guy kisses another girl wthin the first 2 or 3 weeks... Any time after that (if they hook up with other people) and I would take it as a sign that they were not much into me, and then got attached to me, a women they were never all that into (and stayed with me due to gettng attatched, and not being into me).

 

You cannot change his values on the matter.

 

All you can do is send him one last message, telling him to either not contact you, unless he wants to get back together with you.

 

Do that, and next time, TELL a guy from the start about your values regardng dating and if it is okay to kiss other people n the early stages....

 

Good luck, you sound really heartbroken! I am soooo sorry you feel so bad, it must be so hard to know your both in love, and yet not be together:(:(:(

 

Let us know how it turns out!

[destroyed4sho]

I don't agree.

 

He is contacting her sister! It sounds to me like he does not want to break up at all, but rather, he cannot get past the insecurity.

 

 

 

 

Let us know how it turns out!

 

Leigh- Really?! Do you think.that bc he is contacting her sister that means anything??

MY EX was making her father contact me when I IGNORED her texts.....and.guess.what? She NEVER wanted me back.

 

It means Nothing...he is lonely and unsure of his decision ..typical dumper behavior.

 

Caligirl - if.you really believe he absolutely still loves you...then follow alexfrombostons method.in getting your ex back.....i think its pretty good.and kind of suits your situation. Good luck!! Let us know.

[CaliBabe]

It really puts my heart to ease to know I am not crazy. I mean this was not two weeks into our committed relationship, it was two weeks after knowing eachother! We had label at all and were not even sure where things would lead yet. Anyhow, I am not going to contact him or allow him to contact me quite yet. I need to get emotionally strong and get myself together. I just really hope I'm not sabotaging myself by keeping my phone off to a point where he just says screw it!

[jagdude14]

As simple as a saying as it may be. Follow your heart

[Dark Phoenix]

loveshacks version of chris brown and rhianna

 

get the popcorn folks, this should be interesting

[CaliBabe]

Thats not really nice Dark Phoenix. I usually like and appreciate your posts and feedback in helping others on Loveshack.

 

I came here looking for legitamite advice and help and your post really does not add any value and really just makes a mockery out of something really serious in my life.

 

If your just going to make fun of me when I am asking for help, I would appreciate it if you would please refrain from commenting on my post.

[amlosingmymind]

Calibabe, it's obvious that you two are still in love, but he has the problem of insecure. I think it's still worth trying to work things out between you two. Since i'm the one feel insecure in my own relationship, I can say that it will really help him a lot if you can talk to him honestly and show him how much you love him and want him and how sad you are after you leave him. That's just my thoughts.

[Mack05]

Anyhow, I understand how upset he is at me but I don't feel that it should be a deal breaker. He has done wrong too and I have forgiven him... After all thats what love is... Trust and forgiveness right?

 

Firstly Calibabe it's great and sad to see you back. Great caused I missed your posts, sad well you know. I think there is wrong on both sides. Now some stuff I post you won't like, but I need to give advice impartially.

 

Firstly you. Trust. For me, real trust is obtained by total honesty. Straight off the bat you lied about what happened with the guy in the beginning. Because your ex has an instinct (maybe more) that you are lying about what happened at the start, he probably thinks you are lying about the weekend as well. No trust = no relationship.

 

I know you guys weren't exclusive, but it would still be a kick in the gut if I (say it were me) found out you hooked up with another guy at the very start. Didn't you once say "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy". So why the casual hookup with someone when you started seeing a guy? I kinda see his point to be honest.

 

In my opinion, no great relationship starts with one person having a casual hookup (with another) at the start. Your excuse "I didn't know where this going" wouldn't wash with me and I would leave (that's just me though, I'm old fashioned fuddy duddy). Is that why you lied, cause deep down you thought he might leave? If it were the other way round would you be ok with it?

 

Now onto him. There are red flags EVERYWHERE. The guy is immature and insecure. I see so much of the 'old' me in him. His is the kind of guy that controls and obsesses. Can't let things go. If you guys get back together (and you probably will) your relationship will be very up and down. He will pull and push you until one day you will say 'enough'. He will constantly question you and what you did in the past. Just remember the guys that obsess and question, are usually the guys that are hiding something BIG. Volatile relationships will leave you emotionally drained. They take a lot longer to come back from.

 

No guy should ever call a girl bad names. That is appalling and a good enough reason to never go back. It's our lives and provided we don't break any laws, we are entitled to live them as we see fit. If you both have different standards or different views on certain topics, then this relationship will simply not work in the longterm.

 

For me Cali the only way forward is total honesty. With the last girl I loved we both deliberately kept things from each other. It eventually blew up in our faces. If you guys get back together you have to be honest. I'm sure he is a good guy but that doesn't mean he will be a good partner. If he can't handle the truth, then he is not the guy you are meant to be with. From reading your thread, I don't think this guy is right for you.

 

Cali this is one of my favourite ever threads on Loveshack -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/365254-i-broke-up-conservative-guy

 

The OP (Ruby Slippers) could see that they were not a match, could recognise a potentially volatile relationship. She had the courage to remove herself from a potentially harmful situation, even though she still loved him. What makes her even more awesome is that she is 36. An age where we usually make mistakes cause we feel that time is running out.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Mack05

[Eddie Edirol]

CB, I wonder if he is accusing you because he cheated himself again? You know that old game of covering himself?

 

Are you newly dressing in a sexy way that people are just now commenting on FB? have you not gone clubbing in a while? Were you distant to him? If he is this insecure so fast, maybe it looks to him like you are trying to move on from him, if this behavior is new. These all would look like red flags to anyone who has seen them before, so maybe he could be looking at it this way?

 

Anyway, keep him in the dark for a couple week, let him miss you, let him cool off. it sounds like he is struggling without you. Once you had some peace, and he had some space, and hes pining for you, he should be ready to talk sensibly with you soon.

[TaraMaiden]

Tm, i thought u were into Nc

 

I am.

He broke up with her.

Yet he is the one persistently insisting on getting under her skin.

It's manipulative and hurtful.

She believes he was hasty and that the break-up was both irrational and uncalled for.

 

Going by her post, I agree.

It's trivial, knee-jerk and utterly unnecessary.

 

This is the one - and only one - opportunity she has to make him put up - or shut up.

 

If he won't play ball - then he's an immature controlling jerk and TbH she may actually have dodged a bullet.

[CaliBabe]

My phone has been off since Monday night. I wanted to hold out until Sunday but I am considering turning it back on tomorrow. What do you guys think? Has enough time passed to open the gates of communication again or should I wait it out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you know whether he is still contacting your sister for updates?

[Mack05]

My phone has been off since Monday night. I wanted to hold out until Sunday but I am considering turning it back on tomorrow. What do you guys think? Has enough time passed to open the gates of communication again or should I wait it out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

What do you want to say, if communication lines are reopened? I like Tara's text. If he wants you back he will make it known very clearly. If he does come back the only way forward IMO is to have an open and frank discussion.

 

You need to be honest about the hookup. You need to tell him you will not allow any person to call you names or judge you. You make it clear that he either learns to trust you or forget about it. You need to set your boundaries IF he comes back.

 

Whether you turn your phone back on. That's up to you, but before you do I would have it very clear in my mind what direction I want this whole thing to go in. Lot of red flags here Cali. You would be naive to ignore them.

[CaliBabe]

Tara- He deleted his Facebook.

 

Mack- I know you are absolutely right about the honesty. We were unable to have an adult conversation because tempers were still high which is why I implemented this cooling off period so we can both get a grip and have some time to reflect.

 

I know for sure I will have messages from him when I turn it back on... I don't know what exactly to expect. I wonder if they will be about reconciling, or maybe upset because I have cut off contact... I suppose I will have to wait til tomorrow to read them. If they are good I suppose I will send Taras text.

 

I'm just afraid to send the text because at this point I want him to do all the talking about reconciling as he was the one to decide to leave the relationship.

[Mack05]

Dark read my first point. I clearly state there is wrong on Cali's side as well. I just didn't make my point as 'vicariously' as you.

[CaliBabe]

Dark Phoenix,

 

You have some serious issues man, you are so volatile for no reason. Thanks for the post though.

[CaliBabe]

Dark read my first point. I clearly state there is wrong on Cali's side as well. I just didn't make my point as 'vicariously' as you.

 

 

Right, I never said I was completely victimless here. I know I made a mistake and I clearly stated that. I also stated that I understand how he is hurt and why he is upset. I made a mistake, I am human.

 

I am not playing a victim I am just asking for advice on a forum.

 

Dark Phoenix, RELAX.

[TaraMaiden]

Dark Phoenix,

 

You have some serious issues man, you are so volatile for no reason. Thanks for the post though.

 

 

This is why I have him on 'ignore'. The majority of his posts are pure vitriol.

 

Not worth it.

[CaliBabe]

I just added him to my ignore list as well.