pa2pa Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 After 5 years I finally had enough of my partners PA behaviour and he has now been living elsewhere for 3 weeks. He of course does not think that he is PA and I have just picked this term up from the net and decided it fits him. I suppose he is right in a way as I came across the term when trying to make sense of all the hurtful 'non' behaviour from him. Since having that first gut sinking feeling as I was reading other PA partners stories I feel like i have researched Passive Agressiveness behaviours to death! A few examples I have had in my relationship... The biggies: Never wants to go anywhere together unless it is something HE is interested in. I managed to book a short family break away ( after discussing this with him and asking for his input as to where we should go) and he proceeded to make it hell for the whole family. He later told me that it wasn't his kind of break so I shouldn't have expected him to like it. When we first met we both had no plans to ever marry (he is divorced and I have never been married) as time went on and we were living together, had a son I began to look at my situation. Here was me working and struggling to pay the rent and he was at college 3 days a week. I paid for everything sinking further into debt while he had a house which he was renting out to cover his mortgage and credit card bills. I would say as far as household chores went it was a 90% /10% spilt.. me with the 90%. I began to want more... I asked him what commitment he had to me as I really was feeling like a bit taken for granted and like a mother to him. ( I have to point out at this point, 4 years in, my head was a mess) I began to push for some show of commitment and the only thing I could think of was marriage or at least engagement.... We talked and he repeated to me that he had told me from the outset that was NOT what he wanted and I had said the same. I realised that all i really wanted from him was to know that I was loved. I apologised for all the marriage and engagement talk and explained that I really flet that I did not matter to him and just wanted to feel loved. He said what he wanted to do was get me a ring to show his commitment towards me for my birthday which was 3 months away. Birthday came and went with no ring. I was upset I called him out on this. I was told I was ungrateful for what I did get. (chocolates and a make up set). when our son was between 1 - 6 months he was up every hour on the hour. I asked him for help. None came. I asked again... nothing. I was so desperate and so tired that I actually broke down in front of him got on my knees one morning and begged for some help. His reaction -"You are pathetic, you need help - see the doctor" and left for work. So many more examples but this post is far too long already! I guess at this point I just need to vent a bit and hear from others. Part of me thinks maybe I was asking for too much and then as I was googling more about PA's I find a post by him regarding PA and basically thinking that the traits are normal......... Maybe in moderation!
Feelin Frisky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Passive aggression is doing things you know bother other people and pretending to be innocent and unknowing of it. I don't see a case here for that. He just seems selfish and disagreeable. An example of passive aggression would be when you have a spat and are both feeling bad, one or the other will start whistling like they are the happiest care-free camper or pick up the phone in front of the other and act all gregarious with the person on the other end of the line just to stick it to you that your feelings mean little to them. Such acts are aggression that is passive. It's meant to give you the finger and make the other person look the victim if you get madder and say or do anything. It's not for the simply angry but the truly hurtful and diabolical--mostly weaker people do this because they are afraid to just communicate directly. 1
Author pa2pa Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Point taken and maybe not the best examples to give. He will go hell for leather to make sure I do not get anything I want. Everything from spending time together as a couple to asking me if i want a cup of tea only to make one for himself and drink it in front of me ( this happened at least twice a day, not an occasional thing!). His only responsibility in the house was to take the bins to the bottom of the drive every week so they could get emptied..... he "forgot" EVERY week. He also thinks me very childish if I get angry at anything (it could be something that is nothing to do with him/us) and very much plays the " look at me keeping nice and calm while you get angry like a child" card. You may well be right and it maybe makes it worse that he is just purely selfish! Edited February 26, 2013 by pa2pa
Feelin Frisky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Point taken and maybe not the best examples to give. He will go hell for leather to make sure I do not get anything I want. Everything from spending time together as a couple to asking me if i want a cup of tea only to make one for himself and drink it in front of me ( this happened at least twice a day, not an occasional thing!). His only responsibility in the house was to take the bins to the bottom of the drive every week so they could get emptied..... he "forgot" EVERY week. He also thinks me very childish if I get angry at anything (it could be something that is nothing to do with him/us) and very much plays the " look at me keeping nice and calm while you get angry like a child" card. You may well be right and it maybe makes it worse that he is just purely selfish! Yeah, he just sounds selfish and disagreeable. PA is for weenies who love creating drama and getting other people hurt in round-about ways. His aggression seems more blunt.
destroyed4sho Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 He sounds more like a Narcissist..NPD. rather than PA.
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