venusianx13 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now, and things have been great for the most part. However, I find myself struggling with something, and it has been hard for me to admit it thus far, because I simply did not want it to be true. My logical mind, though, knows that ignoring something doesn't make it go away... Prior to this relationship, I was in a 6 year-long relationship with a lying, cheating narcissist. The first year or so was fine, as we were both relatively young and naive. I was his first real girlfriend, and I was pretty head over heels for him (I'd had more prior experience than he, due to a sudden undertaking of religious law on his part...he met me when he was loosening up a bit.) Anyway, as things progressed, they began to sour. It became very clear to me that he was in no shape to be a step-father to my son. (We had gotten engaged during year two). All the things that he had professed to me from the start of our relationship about his character began to fall away. He began behaving in evasive ways. He went away on an internship to China for 3-4 months. He cheated on me there with a Chinese girl he met. I was heartbroken, but I decided to get on with my life and see other men. He ended up coming back (saying it was all FOR ME). And perhaps it was, in some weird, obsessed, self-gratifying way. At any rate, he cheated with me yet again a year later, with some girl he met while out with friends. There were more lies and cheating in between, but this is the best I can do to convey it in a nutshell. He always had a way of gas lighting me, of convincing me that it was all my fault he'd cheated, lied, etc... and for the better part of those 6 years, I believed him. And I stayed. It wasn't until my self-esteem was totally in the toilet and I ended up having a short-lived affair with a guy that things finally ended between me and the ex, and to make matters worse, he further revealed to me more of his infidelities (which I already had personal intuition about). That was it, we were DONE. Thank goodness. A few months later, I met someone fantastic. I was in a casual dating mindset at the point due to what I'd been through, and I saw maybe 4 guys during that time, casually, and held no expectations (this does not mean I slept with them.) When my boyfriend came along, I was initially going to pass him off because he wasn't "my type". But the more I got to know him, the more I could see how very, very different he was from someone like my ex. It was like night and day. He fell for me, I fell for him...and we entered into a serious, committed relationship. Everything just "clicked". I never saw it coming, it just happened, and we've been very happy, and planning a future together, but I have one major issue that has been coming up with more frequency. I keep using the experiences and patterns in my last relationship as a template for this one. And I'm fully aware of it, thankfully... but HOW can I stop? For instance, this week, my boyfriend is away in another state on business. He'll be back in three days. I've been pretty composed for the most part, haven't really told him of my insecurity because I know he is worthy of my trust...but my mind keeps telling me he is going to lie/cheat. I end up with immense anxiety over these things, due to the way my brain has been wired. Secretly, I question his intentions and honesty, and end up feeling really guilty about it because he IS an honest and good man. Anyone dealt with this sort of thing before? I'm actually going to meet up with my old therapist tomorrow and seek his guidance. In the interim, though, I think it would be helpful to gather some feedback from anyone who can relate. And ultimately to ask, what can I do to stop this process? I don't want to ruin this relationship. Edited February 26, 2013 by venusianx13
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 This is Fear. You need to find the courage to trust him. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the control of fear. The bet way to tackle your fear is to expose it for the fraudulent machinations of your Suffering Mind. You should actually talk to your BF and confide in him. Tell him of this hurdle you have and that you know it's something you have to work through. If you expose it openly, it may be easier to see it for the liar that it is..... 3
Darren Steez Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Once you've been cheated on things are never the same again. Right now you are happy, but you're protecting yourself from reliving that awful feeling you had when you were cheated on the first time. Sometimes you just have to lean back and trust that the other person will catch you. There are no guarantees in life. No guarantees one day you will get hurt or be the one dong the hurting, but at some point you have to let go of the anxiety before you sabotage this relationship but chipping away at the foundations of happiness and trust. If he hasn't done anything to doubt his loyalty then don't condemn him. You went through alot previously with a lousy person. Enjoy the good one that came along. 2
DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Hi Venusian, I really really relate to this, too. I also dated an emotionally abusive narcissist that was really really harmful to me, it left me an utter disaster. It also left me unable to trust myself and unsure of my judgment. It took me almost 10 months to trust my boyfriend who is really, really good to me and while his past bothers me he has been great while with me. I snooped which i know i shouldnt have but I know he hasnt done anything close to inappropriate. Have you been open with your bf about your past and your feelings? In my case I was having panic attacks and freaking out at my bf, so I kind of had no choice, but he was really understanding and supportive. I made it clear that this was about my past and not about him and that I was working on it. I also talked to a therapist about it, which he knew and which I highly recommend. Trusting him kind of came all at once -- I realized I had to let my wall down so I could move forward in the relationship or I would end up losing him, and that wasn't an option. We had another fight and for the first time he stood up to me instead of coddling me and trying to convince me that he was trustworthy. I sobbed until I calmed down and then something just snapped, I realized that he didnt feel the need to defend himself and that I could calm myself down. Since, I feel much better. Theres anxiety here and there but it doesn't overwhelm me and I'm able to put it aside. I hope that was helpful, quite possibly not. I think the key here is being able to trust yourself not to repeat your mistake. You know how to identify someone like your ex and if youre honest with yourself you knew exactly what he was all along, if youre like me he was a way to abuse yourself because you didnt think you could do better. You also need to really and truly forgive yourself for dating your ex -- once you've forgiven yourself you'll be able to move on with a whole heart. I've seen your posts here on my threads and elsewhere, and I can tell you that you're incredibly emotionally intelligent. Always remember that, no one's getting anything past you. 1
Author venusianx13 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Hi Venusian, I really really relate to this, too. I also dated an emotionally abusive narcissist that was really really harmful to me, it left me an utter disaster. It also left me unable to trust myself and unsure of my judgment. It took me almost 10 months to trust my boyfriend who is really, really good to me and while his past bothers me he has been great while with me. I snooped which i know i shouldnt have but I know he hasnt done anything close to inappropriate. Have you been open with your bf about your past and your feelings? In my case I was having panic attacks and freaking out at my bf, so I kind of had no choice, but he was really understanding and supportive. I made it clear that this was about my past and not about him and that I was working on it. I also talked to a therapist about it, which he knew and which I highly recommend. Trusting him kind of came all at once -- I realized I had to let my wall down so I could move forward in the relationship or I would end up losing him, and that wasn't an option. We had another fight and for the first time he stood up to me instead of coddling me and trying to convince me that he was trustworthy. I sobbed until I calmed down and then something just snapped, I realized that he didnt feel the need to defend himself and that I could calm myself down. Since, I feel much better. Theres anxiety here and there but it doesn't overwhelm me and I'm able to put it aside. I hope that was helpful, quite possibly not. I think the key here is being able to trust yourself not to repeat your mistake. You know how to identify someone like your ex and if youre honest with yourself you knew exactly what he was all along, if youre like me he was a way to abuse yourself because you didnt think you could do better. You also need to really and truly forgive yourself for dating your ex -- once you've forgiven yourself you'll be able to move on with a whole heart. I've seen your posts here on my threads and elsewhere, and I can tell you that you're incredibly emotionally intelligent. Always remember that, no one's getting anything past you. Thank you...it really helps to read about your experience. My boyfriend has been incredibly transparent with me, which is something I am not at all used to. I used to snoop all the time when I was with my ex, which was ridiculous, because even when I found things to question (as was usually the case), he'd gas light me, and I'd end up staying. My boyfriend has given me no cause to snoop, though I've been tempted due to past patterns, but I've been good about controlling this seemingly innate urge. Ultimately, it's not fair to my boyfriend, as he's given me no cause for concern. I often tell myself that my boyfriend is too good for me, which I know is not healthy. He knows about my anxiety,but I'm not sure he is fully aware of the extent of it. As you and TaraMaiden have suggested, I'm going to have a very open discussion with him about it. I'm also reconnecting with my old therapist today. My boyfriend has pointed out to me that I've been going down the path of self-sabotage. It's something I've struggled with for years (even before my ex) and I recognize it, and I want to finally stop it. It all stems from fear, as TaraMaiden pointed out. I feel as though I'm finally taking steps to get a grip on it, and not to eliminate it, but to control it. I really, really hope that my boyfriend has the patience for me/this. And yes, it is true...I need to forgive myself for staying with my ex for so long. I beat myself up over it all the time. Thank you, everyone, for your support. 2
BetheButterfly Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 My boyfriend has been incredibly transparent with me, This is awesome!!! which is something I am not at all used to. I used to snoop all the time when I was with my ex, which was ridiculous, because even when I found things to question (as was usually the case), he'd gas light me, and I'd end up staying. My boyfriend has given me no cause to snoop, though I've been tempted due to past patterns, but I've been good about controlling this seemingly innate urge. Ultimately, it's not fair to my boyfriend, as he's given me no cause for concern. When people lie, it makes it hard to trust them or other people. Yeah it's not fair to those who are trustworthy and your boyfriend sounds trustworthy. I understand how being lied to has hurt you in the past, and I think it takes time to heal and not be afraid to trust someone else. I often tell myself that my boyfriend is too good for me, which I know is not healthy.That's 100% NOT healthy!!! Please don't lie to yourself. Thinking someone is "too good" for you is just lying to yourself and putting yourself down... it's also like cutting yourself emotionally, in my opinion. Please don't hurt yourself. Please tell yourself the truth: You are a wonderful and amazing lady and you are worthy of a wonderful and amazing trustworthy man who loves you and trusts you and who you love and trust!!!! He knows about my anxiety,but I'm not sure he is fully aware of the extent of it. As you and TaraMaiden have suggested, I'm going to have a very open discussion with him about it. I'm also reconnecting with my old therapist today. Cool! My boyfriend has pointed out to me that I've been going down the path of self-sabotage. It's something I've struggled with for years (even before my ex) and I recognize it, and I want to finally stop it. It all stems from fear, as TaraMaiden pointed out. I feel as though I'm finally taking steps to get a grip on it, and not to eliminate it, but to control it. I really, really hope that my boyfriend has the patience for me/this. True love is patient with people, even throughout their healing process. Yeah, I agree with TaraMaiden. Fear needs to be controlled, because when it's allowed free reign, it hurts people. And yes, it is true...I need to forgive myself for staying with my ex for so long. I beat myself up over it all the time.Yep!!! Forgive yourself! Don't hurt yourself anymore!!! Thank you, everyone, for your support. Hugs from everyone to you 1
Author venusianx13 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Thanks again, everyone... Beth, thanks, I know it's a way of harming myself and I really want to stop it. I've always credited myself with not really having any outwardly destructive habits (no heavy drinking, don't smoke, I eat healthfully, etc.) but have realized over time that I really do a number on myself with my emotional habits: worrying, trying to please everyone, being too sensitive, feeling inadequate, etc. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and he actually said something which quite surprised me. He didn't think I should be 100% forthcoming with my boyfriend about my past and my anxieties. I trust my therapist; he is a totally wise, educated and scientific person,but I did not expect this response from him. He basically told me that I should briefly apologize for my insecurities, explain myself in a nutshell to my boyfriend, and refrain from dramatics. While I understand the sentiment behind refraining from dramatics, I am not sure why he'd want me to keep this part of myself guarded. My boyfriend has been away on business this week and is returning this evening. I am to pick him up from the airport after work. I was able to remain pretty positive this week, and not because I simply missed him, but because of what I was accustomed to in my last relationship when my ex would travel. He'd flirt, cheat, lie, make himself unreachable, etc. I was doing quite well this week, as my boyfriend was always updating me on what he was up to (I never asked), always called when he said he would, and so forth. However, last night, he attended an office party/happy hour for someone who was leaving the company. He called me before he went to the party, but we didn't have much time to talk as he was still with co-workers and was heading to the party. I understood. He told me he'd call me later when it was time for me to go to bed (he was 3 hours behind my time). It got to be pretty late and he still hadn't called and so I became anxious and upset. Sent him a message telling him such. He later sent me a reply saying he was networking with office guys and that I had no cause to worry. I understood that he was preoccupied, but I felt hurt. This is the first time he's ever not called when he said he would. Of course, my mind was going all over the place. As was my past experience, I equated my partner's unreachable/unavailable status to mean that he was doing things behind my back. I know that my boyfriend is not that kind of person, I KNOW IT! But part of my brain is just STUCK in this kind of thinking. I realize this is worth letting go, because he is always so reliable... but this is exactly what I'm doing to drive the relationship into the ground. I am magnifying little things, and not allowing myself to let them go. I feel as though I never had a chance to rewire my thinking after my last relationship, as issues such as cheating, lying and being treated as inadequate were drilled into my head over and over again. So... let's hope I can curb this before I ruin everything. The post positive thing I can see now is that I'm fully aware, whereas before, I thought it was "normal" to feel the way I did. Delusions can be so powerful. I am going to continue working at breaking this cycle. Edited March 1, 2013 by venusianx13
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