My saga, a complete epic :)

[Bender donetat]

Ok here goes. I am a 25 years old and my now "ex" girlfriend is 21. I am a firm believer that you can't give good advice or comments unless you know ALOT about something so let me start at the beginning. We started dating 1.5 years ago when i was 24 and she was 20. When i first met her, her mother was a manipulative alchoholic and my ex was a very naive and timid girl. It only took 1-2 days to know how her whole life had been a whirlwind and she had dealt with alot of issues and bad boyfriends in the past. From sexually being assaulted by ex's to just not being cared for, she had developed some serious self doubt and issues. I accepted her for those and even loved her in part because of those, and in a way wanted to protect her from future pain.

 

Well the first 3 months were totally great not 1 fight or even 1 disagreement. I was about to move into my own apartment (was living with a friend at the time) when her mom FREAKS and kicks her out. We already felt VERY strongly for one another( we said "I love you after only a month....and meant it.....scary huh?) so I just told her to get her **** and move in, we would be ok. Another 5 months rolled by without a single real issue. Then come Christmas her uncle was diagnosed with cancer and she suddenly had to go see him. Having been through many of my own family members having cancer i knew that it was NOT going to be as quick as her MOTHER, not the doctors, had predicted. After a long talk and almost breakup i let go of my own wants and stood beside her to spend our first christmas apart. While she was visiting her uncle something happened....her cousins husband woke her up with his hand down her pants. When she told me about the event, there were so many warning signs that made me almost feel as if she wanted it or liked it. I.E. he was talking about 3-somes, popped in a porno, etc. When she felt him doing this she didnt get up cause she was "scared"(she simply rolled over and tucked the cover around her) and didnt do anything about it till the NEXT day when she FINALLY told everyone about it. This event made me become slightly detached from her and it took me a few months to fully recover from it. During this time, i even felt slightly resposible for not being there to protect her.

 

Over the next 7 months the relationship seemed fine yet there was something just "missing". I wasnt as loving as i should have been and i generally didnt respect her as much as i once had. Even though when i started dating her i knew about her naivity(sp?) and accepted it. However, through all of this she only worked a total of about 4 months and i continually supported us. During the last 5 months or so of our relationship she grew to be INTENSELY jealous of my boss, to whom i have absolutly no attraction to and reassured her of it many times. On July 2nd we went to a party at my bosses house and both got trashed. We then went home and had sex(we had sex almost everyday if not more than once). The next day i wake up to her "packing her stuff". I ask her whats wrong and she says "Did we have sex last night?" and i said yes. She then asked "why didnt you admit it earlier when i woke you up?" Now you have to understand when I'm asleep and you wake me up i can have a complete conversation with you, make plans,go back to sleep, and never even realize i talked to you after i wake up. She knows that about me, however didnt believe me when i told her that i didnt remember, cause i was "good" enough to drive home that night.....even though i shouldnt have.

 

She moved back to her mothers house saying "she doesnt know if she can look at me the same way anymore". After a few days, i convinced her that it was just the achohol, among other things, and told her that i loved her with all my heart. Over the course of the next two months, we BOTH made attempts of getting back together and really never broke contact. These attempts however were 3 days on 4days off for the most part, in other words half-hearted. We finally ended it about 2 weeks ago, but i was utterly destroyed because we had talked about marrage, had just gotten a puppy together, and already had planned on moving to a new place together. So i did the worst thing possible, i talked to anyone who knew us trying to get information and figure out what the REAL reasons were. I got responses from different people that ranged from her mother is controlling her again to she just needs her space, unfortunatly i couldnt give her space because i was so heartbroken. About 4 months before the breakup her mother had became a born again christian and gave up drinking. So it was easy for me to believe that she had done so to regain my ex's trust to manipulate her. She used to use my ex for her Paycheck to make her life easier and my ex would just hand it over to her.

 

Long story short, my ex started getting "scared" of me and even considered a restraining order. Let me clarify at this point that i did NOTHING to concert this attitude. The only thing i ever did was call(never more than 11-2 times a day(some days not at all), when we were dating it was common for us to talk 6-7 times a day when we were apart) and one time i showed up before she went to work after i called and she didnt answer(i figured she might have been in the shower or walking the dog). However my work is less than .5 mile from her door....and her mother works with me.... bad situation i know. My ex was convinced though that i had been following her to and from work and driving by her apartment and even calling her work and hanging up when she answered......i have phone records and proof otherwise. You do have to understand she is afraid of her own shadow though.

 

One day the proverbial "**** hit the fan" and i was called by my(and her moms boss) and told that they wanted me to just leave them alone. So i called her mother and explained that i was sorry if i did anything wrong that after 1year and 5 months with her daughter 1.2 living together that i loved her daughter very much and i had just wanted to fix things. While talking to her mother, she said that she felt i controlled her daughter and was disrespectful of her house because the very last time i saw my ex(1 week ago today) we had "played" around. My ex told her mother that she was uncomfortable with that. However, my ex had left out the very important detail that we had been having sex there the entire 2 months we had been broken up, so i felt that it was acceptable behavior and was even told by my ex that "i wanted to just go with you (and have sex)". I never recieved the stop sign (a big fat no is all i need to back off). I also think it takes 2 people to french kiss......

 

Well after these events me, my ex, her mom, our boss, and a neutral party all sat down to discuss and finalize what the hell was really going on. At first my ex was very angry, hurt, and confused. When it was brought up about us maybe having any chance, before the comment was said she was shaking her head no, however by the end of the 4 hour conversation she had changed. Throughout the 4 hour conversation we learned that more than anything our biggest problem was simple misunderstandings. Like most guys i felt that us having sex meant things were getting better, while she felt that because it always went to that i didnt love her for her. there were at least 20 of these similar misunderstandings and by the end of the conversation, we were sitting side by side and the following comments were made: From my ex "it would hurt if you were with anyone physically or sexually", "I miss you", "If you dont change your number"(the neutral party had said " she knows your number if she wants to see you") and she held onto my hand very hard and longer than i had wanted, she gave me the familiar "i want a hug look", etc. My point being after alot of the misconceptions were cleared up she softened and even seemed remorseful that we had broken up. I am not the only one that saw that by the way. Her mother, my boss, and the neutral party all saw it as well.

 

Since the talk i havent made any attempts to see or contact my ex. You have to understand as well throughout the breakup all the way to that night, my ex never would say "I dont want to be with you anymore", just an "i dont want a boyfriend right now". However that night she made it clear for the first time she didnt want me in her life anymore, although when i said "she doesnt want me in her life anymore, thats all that needed to be said, ill never be around again" she spoke up and said "thats not what i mean". She didnt explain that comment though. At the end of the night we held hands, talked like we used to, and i was even told by her "I believe in fate" in reference to me and her possibly having a chance after she gets counseling(sp?).

 

Throughout the breakup i got mixed signals and misinformation. In the end, i know its over until she calls, if that ever happens. However last night i relieved her mom and for the first time in over a month my ex was sitting her at work, in her moms car. My ex has avoided this place like the plague cause i was around at differing times (im about to becaome the assistant manager and my duties are spread out right now). But as i walked in i was told that "its just a bad night i was supposed to pick her up at 11 and she had to get a ride here" (i was 30 minutes late, havent slept well since the breakup, and work midnight shifts). I would have accepted this fully had my ex's mom and her lived further away but i can throw a rock from the front door of my work to the front door of thier apartment. So when i looked at what calls had been made from the office phone that night my ex's HOME phone came up at 10:30, 10:45, and 11:17 (2 minutes after i had been called and woken up by her mom). Now if she had to pick up her daughter at 11 pm why would she call her home at 10:30pm, 10:45pm instead of her daughters work? (my ex's mom and my ex talk WAYYY too much for her mom not to know EXACTLY where she is)

Doesnt really matter, just seems fishy.......

 

This is my understanding on the whole issue, My ex is very young (21), a little scared of the seriousness of the relationship, very confused about herself, Very kind hearted, she did love me very very very much throughout the relationship, and her self esteem is low. I honestly believe that she loves me, is afraid to admit it to herself, believes she doesnt deserve me(she kept asking "why am i so special?", and said "ive never really been loved" when we were all talking), and has made numerous "small" "normal" issues much larger than they should have been to have a reason to run. She needs to discover who she really is and eventually i will get a call saying she wants me back. However that call may be a little late, because im moving forward with my life at this point. It can take years for people to find who they really are, but i know i treated her like a queen. Everyone that knew us has said that to me, and to other parties...my real question is.....Do you think im just thinking "wishfully" cause i want it to work? or from everything you can get from this that i am kinda on the right track?

 

Thank you very much for reading this.....it really is a window into my thoughts and heart......

[overseas2004]

I think that there is alot of issues that would not make this relationship work even if you did get back together.

 

Sorry I cant offer more.

[Bender donetat]

Only after counseling would there be ANY chance......but what im wondering is if im seeing through the BS clearly.....Im not even sure i would take her back but we did have a good relationship for a long time....i think some of this erupted from her need to mature...

[Bender donetat]

I would reallllllly like some input here lol

[ricky]

Sounds like she is doing a lot better without you.

[Bender donetat]

ricky.........i do know for a fact that she is lamenting the loss of the relationship too....and your probably wrong about the "better"......shes reverting to the stage of where i met her.....and she HATED her life when i met her.....you do the math.