Bad day

[MushyPeas]

I'm feeling a little weird within myself today. After a good few strong, happy days, especially after a positive post on here I made yesterday, today has hit me hard.

 

I have no idea what happened but from the moment I got up this morning I haven't been able to handle my emotions, I knew this was inevitable and I'm still so much stronger than any other time he has left me, I know that this time is the real deal and the last thing I want to do is mess up my own chances of moving on.

 

So for those of you who didn't read my post yesterday, basically I responded to a message on FB, really positively (as in wishing him the best, hoping he's okay too) which helped me feel as though at least I have left things in a good standing and that gives me peace of mind that I haven't acted like a crazy bitch so nothing bad can be said about me.

 

Today uni was terribly hard, and even though I should applaud myself for getting out of bed, he lives 10 minutes away from my campus and all I wanted to do was go to his house, TERRIBLE IDEA!, I didn't do it, and for that I'm so pleased because he hasn't had to see this bad day, he doesn't know this happened which means I have retained my dignity.

 

I don't even know why I wanted to go, it won't achieve anything, I'm not strong enough to see him anyway, I just miss him so much and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that after 4 years (admittedly hard years) it's just over...this has happened a few times in the last year and we've always worked through things, I knew we couldn't have kept working through things because that's not what a relationship should be about.

 

Positive thing is I am SO glad I didn't go to see him or contact him!

 

Does everyone feel this sense of "If I don't make a move soon, then he'll/she'll just walk out of my life?"....This completely contradicts so many posts i made yesterday I know, I'm just struggling and I don't know what to do.

[CaliBabe]

You are going to have days like this. It's normal. I do not believe that if you don't make a move soon they will be gone forever. I personally believe that love doesn't have a sense of time. If you love someone whether a year, 2 years, 20 years, 200 years... You love them.

[MushyPeas]

I completely agree with you, I'm finding letting him go so hard because we were each others first for everything.

 

Last year we broke up, he was being a total dick and in that week we weren't together he kissed some 30 year old woman, only a kiss I know but it still hurt like hell but hey, I decided to get over that....

 

But it has caused so many trust issues over the last year, even though I know it shouldn't have but it did.

 

It's ridiculous because I know it's over in his mind, and that means he can do what he wants with whoever he wants, it'd be incredibly selfish of me to expect him not to? and I don't, all I know is that I can't go through that again. And from last time, I know he's capable of just running off with someone new.

 

I keep doing stupid what ifs, going completely against every bit of advice I've ever given someone in my position, what if when I see him for the first time we decide to make a go of it but he's slept with someone else? I don't trust myself enough to think "you deserve better than that" I'm so scared I'd just try and get over it and be back to square one, and this is EVEN IF he would want to get back together, and so far I've done so well in knowing I shouldn't be waiting around for that, but yeah today can **** right off, stupid tuesday

[richard9]

So for those of you who didn't read my post yesterday, basically I responded to a message on FB, really positively (as in wishing him the best, hoping he's okay too) which helped me feel as though at least I have left things in a good standing and that gives me peace of mind that I haven't acted like a crazy bitch so nothing bad can be said about me.

 

Today uni was terribly hard, and even though I should applaud myself for getting out of bed, he lives 10 minutes away from my campus and all I wanted to do was go to his house, TERRIBLE IDEA!, I didn't do it, and for that I'm so pleased because he hasn't had to see this bad day, he doesn't know this happened which means I have retained my dignity.

 

I don't even know why I wanted to go, it won't achieve anything, I'm not strong enough to see him anyway, I just miss him so much and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that after 4 years (admittedly hard years) it's just over...this has happened a few times in the last year and we've always worked through things, I knew we couldn't have kept working through things because that's not what a relationship should be about.

 

Positive thing is I am SO glad I didn't go to see him or contact him!

 

Does everyone feel this sense of "If I don't make a move soon, then he'll/she'll just walk out of my life?"....This completely contradicts so many posts i made yesterday I know, I'm just struggling and I don't know what to do.

 

hope you're okay and as you say its really positive that you didnt see or contact him, you should give yourself credit for that!!

 

in my own experience so far it's a delay, that is, when they make contact (or try to make contact) and you either contact them or dont, it takes ALOT out of you, much more than we realise at the time.

 

for example a simple text from my ex saying 'hi x' , at the time i delete it, i ponder over it, and then the next day or even a couple of days later i feel worn out and vulnerable. maybe it sounds stupid and makes no sense, but ive often being at my lowest a few days after a text. i really dont know why this is lol

 

but the realisation that it is probably that that is affecting me does help because i can say to myself, that is why you feel this way, and it helps me get past it.

 

hope that helps, and well done!

[MushyPeas]

That makes sense richard, I can see that messaging him and getting a response has really made me feel like this, even though at the time and even now, I am really glad I did because nothing bad was said.

 

It's just exhausting and honestly, I am already bored of feeling so miserable even though it's only been one day that I've allowed the situation to get to me.

 

I think I know he's not going to contact me again, this scares me so much and makes me want to make the move but you're right, it would consume me far too much, he might not even reply which would then play on my mind even further.

 

I know he's going out this friday night because I was meant to be going out with him too, and I'm a little worried even though it's none of my business that he'll just end up with some girl. I can't stop this and if he does, hey that says it all right?

 

I don't even know how I'm going to manage no contact before then, I know how it's going to make me feel if we do meet up, I know what he's going to say, why the hell do we do this to ourselves

[richard9]

I think I know he's not going to contact me again, this scares me so much and makes me want to make the move but you're right, it would consume me far too much, he might not even reply which would then play on my mind even further.

 

the thought of our ex's never contacting us again is something that effects us all, and is the hardest thing to think about and the hardest thing to deal with. its like an explosion in our minds, it starts out as a passing thought about never seeing them again and then grows until it becomes unbearable and hurts. instead of thinking; he's never going to contact me again and...... and.... , try saying STOP to yourself and thinking of either the bad times or what he has done to you and that he doesnt deserve you. personally ive found that if you recognise the initial thoughts that trigger a thought process, you can stop them and nip them in the bud. sometimes.

 

I know he's going out this friday night because I was meant to be going out with him too, and I'm a little worried even though it's none of my business that he'll just end up with some girl. I can't stop this and if he does, hey that says it all right?

 

I don't even know how I'm going to manage no contact before then, I know how it's going to make me feel if we do meet up, I know what he's going to say, why the hell do we do this to ourselves

 

i think you need to further NC to get over him, knowing he's going out on a night out is something you REALLY dont need to know about. it's unfortunate that you do know, but since you do i think you need to make plans for that night. i dont mean go out yourself but i mean make plans mentally, prepare yourself. that doesnt mean replaying scenarios in your head about what he's doing, but DECIDING what you are going to do that night and how you are going to feel. take time to prepare. do something positive, be with a friend, or if you are on your own, make plans for the future without him.

 

just some thoughts.

Edited February 26, 2013 by richard9

[MushyPeas]

Man, thank you for being so patient!, it's like talking to a brick wall I know.

 

Really, thank you! I know what I need to do, I wasn't even going to prepare myself for that night which is undoubtedly going to be hard and now I know I need to do that, even if it's just within myself and my own thoughts.

 

The thing that is holding onto me so much is that we both ****ed this up, and at the end of it, neither of us have come out unharmed, I refuse to play the blame game because I'm just as guilty, he's not sitting there bitching about me (which is something i've been worried about) I know this because I'm not doing that about him, I'm thinking fondly of him despite everything AND then thinking of the things I did wrong and how I can avoid doing them again, whether that does eventually apply to a relationship with him or with someone new.

 

It's really helping to just write things down because I'm managing to deal with this (even if it is now midnight), I can deal with this problem if I face it again

 

I feel as though this has been a positive end to a horrible day and tomorrow can't be worse and wont be worse, thank you

[SuperSad09]

Does everyone feel this sense of "If I don't make a move soon, then he'll/she'll just walk out of my life?"....This completely contradicts so many posts i made yesterday I know, I'm just struggling and I don't know what to do.

 

EXACTLY! That is exactly what I feel. I want to write him back to keep him from moving on (bad idea, I know) but then I feel like I expect more than just an email after ALL I have shown and done for him to "get him back" <--also a bad idea.

 

Anyway, good job on refraining and coming on here instead. It is SO hard. YOu are not alone and I am proud of you for being strong. Try to remember to that this feeling will pass. YOu will have MANY more moments of feeling strong and probably a few more not feeling strong.

 

Good luck!

[MushyPeas]

It's hard because hey you know what, if he does just move on like that without trying then that's who he is, you can find strength in the fact that you are a strong enough person to have the will to make a go of things despite being beaten back again and again. Don't compare how far much you have done to get him back to how much he has done because you'll never be satisfied!

 

Yeah I'm pretty strong like hulk hogan right now, it's becoming a burden

[jagdude14]

I haven't had the best day either until later this evening. The memories of all the great times are flying through my head. I miss my ex a ton