Boyfriend won't move in with him...rather move to different country

[lemonlegs]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to get some insight on a dilemma I have at the moment and also to vent a bit.

 

I'm 21 and my boyfriend of a year is 23. Yes, I know we're young. I'm in my last year of university and am still at home and I absolutely cannot stand living here. I fight with my parents all of the time, and despite the fact that I would probably struggle, I feel like my mental health and overall happiness would skyrocket if I moved out, even though I'd be broke as a joke.

 

My boyfriend, on the other hand, lived with his an ex girlfriend of four years for two years and I know he said it was difficult. However, it kind of upsets me that he was up and willing to do that so she could go to school in the city (they were both from a smaller town outside of the city.) Whereas I'm depressed and upset 90% of my life, he has never even mentioned considering helping me out by possibly living together cause I definitely couldn't afford it on my own.

 

I know he has it decent at home and I can't expect him to leave but another issue is he's all insistent about moving to Europe fairly soon, hence why he wants to save up at home. He wants me to move with him, but I am NOT willing to stay at home as long as it would take me to save an adequate amount to move to freakin' Europe. Not mentioning, I owe 20 grand for university after this year. So basically, it's just not in the cards for me at least for five years, when I have already started a steady career. All's he says to me is "Well, you don't have to come" when I explain my issue with this..... it makes me feel as though he doesn't care about my ****ty situation at home or hell, even if we end up together.

 

Can somebody shed some light on this. This is not making me feel any better when I already am upset enough about my relationship with my parents.

 

 

EDIT: Title should be "won't move in with me" lol.

Edited February 26, 2013 by lemonlegs

[Drseussgrrl]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to get some insight on a dilemma I have at the moment and also to vent a bit.

 

I'm 21 and my boyfriend of a year is 23. Yes, I know we're young. I'm in my last year of university and am still at home and I absolutely cannot stand living here. I fight with my parents all of the time, and despite the fact that I would probably struggle, I feel like my mental health and overall happiness would skyrocket if I moved out, even though I'd be broke as a joke.

 

My boyfriend, on the other hand, lived with his an ex girlfriend of four years for two years and I know he said it was difficult. However, it kind of upsets me that he was up and willing to do that so she could go to school in the city (they were both from a smaller town outside of the city.) Whereas I'm depressed and upset 90% of my life, he has never even mentioned considering helping me out by possibly living together cause I definitely couldn't afford it on my own.

 

I know he has it decent at home and I can't expect him to leave but another issue is he's all insistent about moving to Europe fairly soon, hence why he wants to save up at home. He wants me to move with him, but I am NOT willing to stay at home as long as it would take me to save an adequate amount to move to freakin' Europe. Not mentioning, I owe 20 grand for university after this year. So basically, it's just not in the cards for me at least for five years, when I have already started a steady career. All's he says to me is "Well, you don't have to come" when I explain my issue with this..... it makes me feel as though he doesn't care about my ****ty situation at home or hell, even if we end up together.

 

Can somebody shed some light on this. This is not making me feel any better when I already am upset enough about my relationship with my parents.

 

 

EDIT: Title should be "won't move in with me" lol.

 

Sorry honey but you can't rely on a man that you're not married to to step up and help you out of your situation with your parents. It's not his responsibility. What would you do if you were single? You're both young and now is when you SHOULD be doing stuff like moving to Europe and figuring out your lives.

[lemonlegs]

Sorry honey but you can't rely on a man that you're not married to to step up and help you out of your situation with your parents. It's not his responsibility. What would you do if you were single? You're both young and now is when you SHOULD be doing stuff like moving to Europe and figuring out your lives.

 

You're right and that's why I feel bad about that, but it's not just expecting him to, it just makes me feel as though he doesn't care.

 

And I would LOVE nothing more to move to Europe, but when I have 20 K in student loans to pay off, it seems kinda of stupid.

 

And also, my boyfriend works in the trades and has a terrible paying job which he seems to dismiss as "it's good experience" which also irritates me. He could find something much better that would make a situation a little easier to handle. Again, I know he is NOT obligated but I guess I'm just used to all my girlfriends having boyfriend that do them really big favours, whether it be helping them out financially, or whatever. I know he might if he was able to, but he's not even willing to even move in with me. Makes me wonder how much he cares, that's all.

Edited February 26, 2013 by lemonlegs

[FitChick]

He's lived with a girlfriend in the past and didn't like it. Unlike you, he and his parents get along. He doesn't really care if you go to Europe or not. Find a new boyfriend or better yet, find a good job to start getting out of debt.

[lemonlegs]

He's lived with a girlfriend in the past and didn't like it. Unlike you, he and his parents get along. He doesn't really care if you go to Europe or not. Find a new boyfriend or better yet, find a good job to start getting out of debt.

 

Thank you for your insight, I never considered getting a job after finishing my degree.

 

Idiot. Don't reply to my sh*t if you're going to be a smartass.

[SmileFace]

Thank you for your insight, I never considered getting a job after finishing my degree.

 

Idiot. Don't reply to my sh*t if you're going to be a smartass.

I will give you this..haha... I didn't see the sarcasm coming there...lol

 

Anyway -- besides the whole living situation.

Does he plan to continue this relationship when he moves?

[Leigh 87]

How long have you been together?

 

Planning to move without you is a bad sign - I agree your young and should figure yourselves out more before settling down with one person, however; even at his young age, he should know how invested he is in you.

 

It also depends on the time spent together - my boyfriend travelled with his ex for about 3 - 4 months, and started to fall in love with her even.. she was a girl he WOULD have fallen madly in love with, and would NOT have been able to leave eventually..

After only a few months though, they both left and there was no talk of being together in the future really....

 

And he was truly into her.

 

...He just left after 3 ish months, JUST before he was in the stage of loving her too much to let her go.....

I say, on average, approaching the first year should be enough to know if your too much in love to let a person go that way....

Every one is different, but most guys do not take more than 6 months to figure out if their really in love with a girl.

[thecrucible]

He's done it before and been burnt. It's really not because of you that he doesn't want to take the step of moving in with you. Maybe you want the relationship for different reasons. He probably enjoys it and even has feelings for you but isn't at the stage when it could be truly long term. You may be a place holder or he may not be settled enough to engage with something really serious. Either way you can't really keep this going if he moves to Europe and you can't afford it. Don't do it. Don't follow him to Europe.

[lemonlegs]

Smile: I'm not sure. The thing is I have told him when we first started dating that I would love to move to Europe with him. It's definitely something I'd want to do if I had the money, but I'm also trying to be realistic. And he keeps saying "well, maybe if you can't go right away, I can try and get established there and I might be able to help you out more than I think I can." The thing he seems to keep forgetting is that I'm miserable here and I would like to move out ASAP, not when we both have enough to move across the world.

 

Leigh: We've been dating for over a year, but our "official" date of being together is next week actually. I know he loves me but, but I guess that's why I feel bad is because I'm like "really!? You'd STILL go even if I couldn't???" even though I fully realize how selfish that sounds. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic.

 

thecrucible: He did straight up tell me that he does not want to make that mistake again. Not necessarily the mistake of moving in with a girlfriend, but he did it when he was unemployed and as a result, had to blow all his savings. As I mentioned above, but perhaps not clearly enough, he doesn't get paid well at all as he's still an apprentice in his trade. But again, he works full-time.. so though he COULD do it, it'd be tough.

 

Basically, he keeps saying "you know I've wanted to do this before we even met." and "I'd love nothing more for you to come with me, but... [if you can't, I'm still going]"

 

We had a talk after I posted this and I think he feels kind of ashamed that he can't afford to move in with me, because he knows a lot of my girlfriends are at that stage and I tend to reference that a lot.

Edited February 27, 2013 by lemonlegs

[thecrucible]

The thing he seems to keep forgetting is that I'm miserable here and I would like to move out ASAP, not when we both have enough to move across the world.

 

Do you have enough to move out on your own? Can you do anything to help yourself in this situation? Because you don't have to rely on him to do it. Maybe if you get on your own feet, you'll have a better idea about what to do about your relationship with him.

 

We've been dating for over a year, but our "official" date of being together is next week actually. I know he loves me but, but I guess that's why I feel bad is because I'm like "really!? You'd STILL go even if I couldn't???" even though I fully realize how selfish that sounds. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic.

 

No. That's not romantic. A good relationship shouldn't involve someone giving up their dreams. You are expecting too much of him if that's what you believe. But everyone makes a choice. Sometimes those decisions work with relationships, but sometimes they work against them. If you love him and it is apparent that this is what he really wants to the point where he feels compelled to go ahead with it, then it'd be better to let him go to do it if you don't want the same thing. Maybe some will disagree with me but I can't see how it can work otherwise.

 

He does love you because he hopes that one day you can afford to go over to Europe to be with him. But he has taken a decision which might be better for his long-term interest, if it's a career decision. Sometimes timing ruins relationships. But everyone has to think long-term regardless of whatever relationship situation they're in.

 

Basically, he keeps saying "you know I've wanted to do this before we even met." and "I'd love nothing more for you to come with me, but... [if you can't, I'm still going]"

 

If he wanted to do this before you met, how long into you two dating did he mention that this is what he wanted to do? Did you know what you were getting into?

 

What do you want to do? Do you want to go to Europe? If you do, go but not because of him. Maybe you feel pressured by him to make a decision but if you don't want to go now/or maybe ever, just tell him that you're not ready to make that decision or you don't feel comfortable making that choice.

[ltjg45]

I don't know. Your BF doesn't sound very trusting or very supportive.

 

First, he is willing to stay with an ex-GF for 2 years strictly for her benefit. While that sound very generous on paper, it makes me wonder what else is going on in there, if you get my drift. Sounds too convenient for my tastes.

 

Secondly, he mentions moving to Europe. For what reason? Is he a European? That sounds completely random and out of the blue.

 

Third, he tells you the "My way or the highway" option when you counters against him instead of finding a compromise. He has no desire working alongside his girlfriend.

 

Dump him. Really. If he is this cold now, your relationship will only get worse if you stay with him.

 

Instead of treating you as his equal, he is treating you as if you are his subordinate. That is not worth keeping a relationship with.

 

Besides, I can see him going back to his ex-GF after all of this anyway if you do.

[lemonlegs]

The crucible: yes I did know about him wanting to move to Europe but as I said , those were aspirations of a third year university student. Now that I'm almost done I tend to be a little more realistic of things. So yes in fairness to him, I was aware. It is something I'd love to do, but it's not about that, it's strictly a financial thing.

 

Itgj: as cynical as your views are, that's what ran through my mind , though I believe that crucible makes good points in his favour. As insecure as I am of his ex sometimes (no fault of his, I'm just your typical catty girl), he told me that moving in with her for her benefit was a mistake; it's something he full out acknowledges. I'm not sure what you mean by it being "too convenient" or why that would allude to him wanting his ex back. However, I couldn't help but wonder why he can't compromise with me. But as crucible said, I can't expect him to give up a dream just for me I guess. As for why he wants to move to Europe, it's just an adventure he wants to experience, even if just for a year. And again, I'd love to as well .

 

I did message him later asking him if his insistence on going to Europe meant that he has no long term interest in me and he replied saying "I want to marry you." I could see myself being with him if all this doesn't hinder that . I think he doesn't know how we'd go about it either. I mean who knows if it'll even happen but it's definitely made me think.

Edited February 27, 2013 by lemonlegs