alxnrwd Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) My exgf broke up with me 8 months ago. We'd dated for 2.5 years: 8 months in college, a year long distance when she was in Africa, and then 8 tumultuous months living together in the process of moving to a new city. We had talked a lot about marriage, kids, building a life together. Our relationship was pretty storybook: at school, we were both in an honorary society for leadership. I was a leader in student business, she was a leader in "social change" i.e. the nonprofit sector. Which is to say: she's dedicated her life to helping people less fortunate than herself. She's beautiful, gorgeous, outgoing, really smart, all the rest -- but she's also a genuinely great person. I was drawn to her because she lives her values (our values?) through her work -- she isn't about money or appearances but is actually about doing good in the world and love. She went abroad to Africa to work (no joke) feeding the poor and I went to visit her there. We had been planning to move cities together after she got back, but I ended up getting too scared and insecure to quit my lucrative job and take the leap with her. I was just too young (23) to know that what I wanted was to be with her for the rest of my life. Needless to say, she moved without me and broke up with me, after giving me a million chances to move with her. Since she broke up with me, I have felt that I SHOULD HAVE moved sooner to be with her. I was only a couple weeks away from being ready to quit my job when she dumped me, so I did it anyway. Here's the kicker: going to Africa with her and seeing her work made me feel like what I was doing (essentially, working just for the money) was pretty meaningless and selfish compared to this amazing work she was doing. The work I was doing wasn't aligned with the values or legacy I want for myself; her work is, which is part of what had drawn me to her in the first place. I've been left trying to move my own career into that sector, without my ex's input or extensive network/connections. I've finally got a job I'm interested in, but it's in a different city than where we had planned to move. I'm going to go do it, and I'm pretty excited about it, but I can't stop thinking about what could have been -- indeed, what SHOULD have been if I were more mature, more sure of myself, more sure that she's the only girl for me. I've pretty much ruined any chance of reconciliation by acting very immaturely after our breakup. I sent her a letter with all my feelings in an attempt to move on, but I'm sure she doesn't want to hear it. She's said she wants to talk in the future but only after we've both moved on. She's said she doesn't think she wants to get married until she's 30 (5 years from now). Frankly, I have no idea how I'm ever going to move on from this. She is a girl that's beautiful, brilliant, shares my values, and is in a career path that I want for myself in a city that I want to live in. How do I get her off this pedestal when I feel like I'm actually incapable of finding another girl like her? How do I stop feeling like she's the one that got away? How do I rebuild my ENTIRE LIFE after quitting my job and leaving my home, when the life I want most is the life she is leading -- even if she weren't in it? How do I stop feeling motivated to better myself just so that I can get back together with her in the future? I literally can't find a fault with her... people tell me to make a list of things I don't like about her, and there's not even one thing I can think of. There's nothing I want in a girl that she doesn't have. I was just too young to know it then... and too immature. Edited February 26, 2013 by alxnrwd
Standard-Fare Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm not sure I have all this straight. So you're both living in different places right now, right? And you're about to move for a job -- to a new city, but not the one where she is? How far away from each other are the two cities where you'll both be living in the near future? I think that's relevant here. Also, how long has it been since you guys have had any meaningful contact? Is she aware of your plans, etc? It's obvious you love this girl and that you've recognized your mistakes. But we don't have her side of the story... do you think the #1 reason for the breakup was your inability to move for her, or were there a lot of other factors involved, too? College relationships are really hard to carry through that next stage of adulthood when you have to find yourselves, esp. when different locations are involved. I feel for you.
Author alxnrwd Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure I have all this straight. So you're both living in different places right now, right? And you're about to move for a job -- to a new city, but not the one where she is? How far away from each other are the two cities where you'll both be living in the near future? I think that's relevant here. Yes, exactly. I'm going to be in DC and she'll be in NYC. I'd move to NYC just for her (especially because I feel that being with her would actually help me do what I want with my career) but she's said she doesn't want me to do that. Without her I have to take the best job I can get wherever that is, and it's in DC. I have a lot of friends in NYC, I'll be visiting there a lot, and I still want to move there in the future -- but it'll probably be at least a year until I have the experience to get a job I want there. Also, how long has it been since you guys have had any meaningful contact? Is she aware of your plans, etc? It's obvious you love this girl and that you've recognized your mistakes. But we don't have her side of the story... do you think the #1 reason for the breakup was your inability to move for her, or were there a lot of other factors involved, too? College relationships are really hard to carry through that next stage of adulthood when you have to find yourselves, esp. when different locations are involved. I feel for you. We haven't had what I would call "meaningful" contact in a long time. The #1 reason for the breakup was certainly my inability to move for her, but there were other factors involved, too -- mostly general immaturity on my part -- this was my first real relationship and frankly I had no idea how to handle myself. I definitely had felt like she "owed" me more than she was willing to give me, after I stayed with her when she went abroad. When she went abroad, I essentially "married" her in my mind to justify staying with her -- but she wasn't quite on the same level of commitment with me, and it led to me immaturely expecting more than she was willing to give in the relationship, which created tension between us when we lived together. It sucks because I think I became more committed over time, more excited about marrying her -- but she was excited about getting married when we first got together, and became LESS excited about it over time. When I realized toward the end of our relationship that it's her work that lights my own fire, that her friends are a better fit for me than my own, I became incredibly scared and anxious about losing her -- I knew that losing her would have a significant negative impact on my ability to live the life I want. Instead of discussing this with her, and instead of showing my love in productive, mature ways (helping her with cooking/cleaning, making her life easier, emotionally connecting with her), I became really insecure and grasping. I moved even further in the direction of being money-driven, sex-driven, and superficially "male," because I had convinced myself somehow that those were the things that had drawn her to me when we were in college. She broke up with me saying she loved me but she wasn't in love with me, that she wanted to be friends, that it didn't make her happy anymore to be around me or to talk to me, that she didn't think she wanted to get married until she is 30. I think in retrospect what she was basically saying was "get your **** together and figure out who you are before we can have a real relationship - I need to move to NYC and I can't deal with all your **** no matter how much I like you - a relationship at this point in our lives shouldn't be so damn serious, it should be fun, and you aren't fun right now. Maybe you'll be fun if you get to NYC on your own, but sayonara until then!" All I really ever wanted, of course, was to get to NYC and to have fun with her, and to move my career in her direction. I realized that pretty quickly after the breakup. But that realization led me to do some stupid things -- I emoted too much to our mutual friends, I called her mom once when I was emotional to talk about things. I took advantage of her willingness to be friends and I brought up the past too quickly when we spoke instead of just being happy to talk to her and okay on my own. I've done a tremendous amount of work on myself in the past 8 months. I've learned a ton about relationships. I've honestly found God. I've closed the door for good on a bunch of other career paths. I've thought a lot about who I really am and who I want to be -- i.e., someone compatible with her. I found it really hard to get closure given the way everything went down, so I ended up sending her a long letter last week detailing all my feelings -- she hasn't responded and I doubt she will -- she's said she doesn't want to talk until we can both let go of the past. I'm pretty sure she thinks she can do better than me, and she's right -- she can certainly do better than the person I was when we were together, even if I plan to be a different, more mature person now that we've been apart. I think if we're going to have any relationship in the future it will have to be a totally new one, from scratch, starting as friends. So I'm going to DC to work this job, which, again, I'm excited about, but I feel a bit conflicted about it, I guess, given that there's nothing I'd rather do with my life than to be with her. I expressed in the letter that I still love her and I'd be willing to move to NYC to be with her, and since she hasn't responded I know she doesn't want that -- she wants me to live my own life for myself -- she doesn't want me to live just for her. I know what I need to do is to get happy in DC. To kill this new job. To continue to work on myself, meet new people, think about dating other women and other lives I could have besides with her. I only know 2 people in DC right now and they are friends of my ex, so if I live the life I want I am sure she will eventually hear about it. We have a ton of mutual friends from college, and I'm sure we'll see each other again at least as friends in the future. But I'm having real trouble getting excited about DC because, frankly, I'm still in love with her. I know that what I should have done in the past was move to NYC, and I can't help feeling like if I were to move to NYC now maybe there'd be a better chance of reconciliation for us. I know she's making herself happy in NYC - I know she wants to be in NYC for the rest of her life - and I know there are literally millions of guys there she can date that don't have the baggage between us that I do, that are more established than me in their careers, that maybe bring more to the table than I do, that are certainly more established in NYC than I will be after living in DC. I know I've probably lost her for good no matter how much that sucks for me. So how do I stop thinking about her every night before I go to bed and every morning after I wake up? How do I finally get closure when I feel like our relationship ending was 100% my fault, when I can't find any things I don't like about her? How do I get okay with going to DC and seeing where life takes me from age 24, instead of trying to get to NYC ASAP to try to get myself back into her life? Edited February 28, 2013 by alxnrwd
Standard-Fare Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Well DC and NYC definitely aren't that far (P.S. I live in DC and know more than a couple people who date between the two cities), but that really doesn't sound like it's the issue here at all. Your second post was more informative, and honestly does make it sound like this is out of your hands for now. You sent her the letter laying out your feelings and got no response... you certainly can't send another letter. I'd suggest that maybe sometime in the future you could see each other in NYC but even that suggestion seems dangerous here because you're absolutely right that you need to be focusing on your own life right now, making yourself happy in your new city and new job. You absolutely have the right idea. You really need to give her some time and space because if she's ever going to come around -- which may never happen -- it would be on her own terms. I know, SO much easier said than done. That's what's so hard about breakups, the total loss of control. You can want something more badly than you've ever wanted something in your life, but it's not your decision whether it happens or not. You can't talk someone into being with you. And if you slip and try to beg or plead... that just makes things so much worse. And I've been in the same situation as you more than once in my life, of sending that "here's my entire heart laid bare" letter and expecting the other person to recognize how raw and genuine you're being... but getting nothing. It's terrible. Do NOT make the mistake of pushing it further, though... that's something I've also done and it would only feel you pathetic. Keep your head up.
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