how fast should i move with this guy? I'm having trouble reading his signals

[tuxedo cat]

Once I'm interested enough in a guy to accept a first date with him I pretty much know I want to jump his bones. This means I rarely agree to go out with a guy unless I've been already crushing on him hard.

 

Typically I'll have sex on the third date or so, although I've occasionally done it as early as the first or second. More than a few guys have told me that I'm a little too forward, and it's quite possible I've turned them off by moving too fast. This makes me think that my normal progression is faster than the cultural norm, so I'm wondering if people could tell me their gender and how fast they typically move. Also guys -- how forward would you find too forward in a potential girlfriend?

 

I'm going on a second date with a guy I really really like tomorrow night. I already messed things up a little on our first date by suggesting we go back to his place. I wasn't interested in having sex but I did want to find a private place for us to make out which is difficult when it's brutally cold outside.

 

We started making out when he got there and although he seemed to be really enjoying himself at one point he stopped to ask me what I was looking for. I told him I want a relationship and he said he does too and that's why he was surprised that I wanted to go back to his place. I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him that night, which was true, and he said neither did he this soon. He told me we had gotten intimate faster than anyone he's been with but it "felt natural." I told him we could stop kissing but he said he didn't want to. We got as far as light petting outside our clothes.

 

When I told him I was ready to leave he asked me if he could come back to my place with me, which confused me a little. I told him it was a little too soon for him to stay over so he just walked me to my door.

 

If all goes well on our second date I'll be pretty much ready to have sex with him but I don't want to do it before he feels ready, so how do I know when that is? Should I turn him down if he invites me back to his place? I'm concerned that he'll invite me over because he's horny but then judge me if I stay over. I know decent guys aren't supposed to do that but I think even decent guys are prone to devaluing a woman who gives it up too soon.

 

Any advice?

[tuxedo cat]

bump......

[crude]

No decent guy believes in a double standard, not all men want to have sex with a stranger, and if you're both ready, who is anyone to tell you not to?

[veggirl]

Wow

 

I think it would behoove you to let this guy lead, physically.

 

I can't believe you suggested going back to his place on the 1st date. That just seems...cheap, easy.

 

Stop leading with the sex stuff, let the man and tbh are you sure you aren't sleeping with all these guys so soon because you think sex is gonna snag them or make them more interested?

[tuxedo cat]

Wow

 

I think it would behoove you to let this guy lead, physically.

 

I can't believe you suggested going back to his place on the 1st date. That just seems...cheap, easy.

 

Stop leading with the sex stuff, let the man and tbh are you sure you aren't sleeping with all these guys so soon because you think sex is gonna snag them or make them more interested?

 

No, I just have a really high sex drive when I'm getting involved with someone new haha. Maybe that makes me slutty? It's just always how I've been wired, but I'm willing to wait if I feel like it will benefit the relationship and his opinion of me. I just don't often enough.

 

You didn't answer my question about what I should do on the next date if he suggests going back to his place?

[curlygirl40]

Like Veggirl said, follow his lead. You're moving too fast.

 

I'm sure there's a reason that you want to move so quickly with some guys. Do you think it will make them like you more? (most girls grow out of that by high school), or does the first time make you nervous so you want to get it over with? Do you just really want sex no matter the 'cost' to you or your emotions down the line? What is the reason? Think about it.

 

If you want to have a relationship with this guy, let the relationship grow naturally. Don't have sex too quickly and then wonder why it didn't work out.

 

You don't want to rush sex if it's at the expense of what could be a future relationship.

[tuxedo cat]

Like Veggirl said, follow his lead. You're moving too fast.

 

I'm sure there's a reason that you want to move so quickly with some guys. Do you think it will make them like you more? (most girls grow out of that by high school), or does the first time make you nervous so you want to get it over with? Do you just really want sex no matter the 'cost' to you or your emotions down the line? What is the reason? Think about it.

 

If you want to have a relationship with this guy, let the relationship grow naturally. Don't have sex too quickly and then wonder why it didn't work out.

 

You don't want to rush sex if it's at the expense of what could be a future relationship.

 

Honestly, as far as I know it's purely a physical desire. I've always been prone to poor impulse control. I feel very attracted to a guy and want to be intimate with him and it's hard for me to hold off. But I know I can because I have in the past.

 

But now that I've already gone to his place how do I slow things down? Won't it seem weird if he asks me to come over after our second date and I turn him down?

[Imported]

When it feels natural, you don't question it..........

[todreaminblue]

Once I'm interested enough in a guy to accept a first date with him I pretty much know I want to jump his bones. This means I rarely agree to go out with a guy unless I've been already crushing on him hard.

 

Typically I'll have sex on the third date or so, although I've occasionally done it as early as the first or second. More than a few guys have told me that I'm a little too forward, and it's quite possible I've turned them off by moving too fast. This makes me think that my normal progression is faster than the cultural norm, so I'm wondering if people could tell me their gender and how fast they typically move. Also guys -- how forward would you find too forward in a potential girlfriend?

 

I'm going on a second date with a guy I really really like tomorrow night. I already messed things up a little on our first date by suggesting we go back to his place. I wasn't interested in having sex but I did want to find a private place for us to make out which is difficult when it's brutally cold outside.

 

We started making out when he got there and although he seemed to be really enjoying himself at one point he stopped to ask me what I was looking for. I told him I want a relationship and he said he does too and that's why he was surprised that I wanted to go back to his place. I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him that night, which was true, and he said neither did he this soon. He told me we had gotten intimate faster than anyone he's been with but it "felt natural." I told him we could stop kissing but he said he didn't want to. We got as far as light petting outside our clothes.

 

When I told him I was ready to leave he asked me if he could come back to my place with me, which confused me a little. I told him it was a little too soon for him to stay over so he just walked me to my door.

 

If all goes well on our second date I'll be pretty much ready to have sex with him but I don't want to do it before he feels ready, so how do I know when that is? Should I turn him down if he invites me back to his place? I'm concerned that he'll invite me over because he's horny but then judge me if I stay over. I know decent guys aren't supposed to do that but I think even decent guys are prone to devaluing a woman who gives it up too soon.

 

Any advice?

 

 

ive normally known a guy fro a long time ,i dont date for the sake of having something to do , when i have accepted a date its turned into a relationship short term or long term , i dont expect it, it just happens...sex isnt part of it for a while which a guy may interpret as me not being interested it is actually the opposite...sex is easy to come by and its not what i am lookign for....so i am fast and slow at the same time....i dont push anything it naturally progresses....normally i am already quite sure of the guy i am dating, the mistakes i have made have been when i didnt know them and dated them...huge mistakes..they wanted sex...those dates were just simply dates....and not waht i really wanted....i wasnt in the right frame of mind.....heart wasnt in it and i wasnt really attracted to them...i take my time before i date, get to know them see where we might have fun together, where we match on values and then i ask..if they havent already...so therefore i rarely date in fact non existent until i feel something there has to be a strong pull for me to actually jump and i tell them i like them more than a friend regardless of fear..deb

[curlygirl40]

 

You didn't answer my question about what I should do on the next date if he suggests going back to his place?

 

Tell him you're not ready. You've already had the 'what are you looking for' conversation and you both agreed you're looking for a relationship. So if he still wants a future relationship with you then he will wait.

 

If he suggests it, then you're too tired, or it's shark week (what my friends and I call our periods, lol), or you have to work in the morning, or you're not ready.

 

You could joke that you're not ready to go any further than you went the last time so you don't want to be alone with him because you're not sure if you will be able to contain yourself. I have jokingly said that to guys 'public places only! We need adult supervision!'. They laugh it off.

[curlygirl40]

 

But now that I've already gone to his place how do I slow things down? Won't it seem weird if he asks me to come over after our second date and I turn him down?

 

Just like I said in my last post I think you can 'turn in down' in a funny, cutesy way without it feeling like rejection.

 

If you go out on a second date and you're having a great time, and have a nice makeout session in the car or in the parking lot or something, then he asks you back to his place and you tell him it's very tempting but you're going to pass. Make sure he knows that it's coming down the pike, but you're just not ready. It won't feel like rejection when he knows you really like him and you want him too but you think you should wait a little longer.

 

Leave him wanting more. That builds attraction.

[tuxedo cat]

Tell him you're not ready. You've already had the 'what are you looking for' conversation and you both agreed you're looking for a relationship. So if he still wants a future relationship with you then he will wait.

 

If he suggests it, then you're too tired, or it's shark week (what my friends and I call our periods, lol), or you have to work in the morning, or you're not ready.

 

You could joke that you're not ready to go any further than you went the last time so you don't want to be alone with him because you're not sure if you will be able to contain yourself. I have jokingly said that to guys 'public places only! We need adult supervision!'. They laugh it off.

 

that's a great advice, and i'll follow it. i may even use your line about us needing adult supervision!

 

i'm still unclear about how long is considered 'acceptable' to have sex. i know everyone differs but there is probably some sort of cultural norm. 3 dates? 5 dates? since i almost feel ready to have sex with him i'll basically be waiting in order to benefit our relationship, so i can't really use my own desire as a measure of when to give it up.

[curlygirl40]

I sometimes do this funny thing when I'm on say a second or third date with a guy and the kissing is getting hot.

 

When I know we're kissing for the last time and we're about to say our goodbyes, I'll be kissing him madly and in between kisses I'll say to him "O.K, bye bye now. Thanks for coming. You really need to go. Get the heck out of here. I mean it, you need to leave. Have a good night. Good bye now" in between kissing him madly and giggling and pulling him close and pushing him away at the same time. (Yes I'm in my 40's but I can be childish in a good way)

 

It's like it signals to him that I want him too but he needs to leave before we get carried away.

[curlygirl40]

that's a great advice, and i'll follow it. i may even use your line about us needing adult supervision!

 

i'm still unclear about how long is considered 'acceptable' to have sex. i know everyone differs but there is probably some sort of cultural norm. 3 dates? 5 dates? since i almost feel ready to have sex with him i'll basically be waiting in order to benefit our relationship, so i can't really use my own desire as a measure of when to give it up.

 

I'm struggling with this too sometimes. I think there's no set answer. It depends on a handful of things I think. At least date 3 I think. I would say it depends on how spread out those dates are (if they are all in the same week let's say, how well do you really know the guy in a week?). If you have 4 dates and it's spread out in a 3-4 week period and you've been talking on the phone and texting sometimes getting to know each other, to me that's different than having 4 dates in 10 days and getting it on when you don't know each other well.

 

I'm all for casual sex when both parties are only looking for that. BUT if you're looking for a relationship then I think you need to act accordingly.

 

Like, how well do you know each other? How sure are you that he likes you for you and not just looking for someone to sleep with? If you want to be exclusive before you will sleep with someone, then you need to make sure you're clear on that to the other person. Things like that.

 

When I'm dating someone new, I always wish I could fast forward to that moment where we've been intimate already and I can go to his place and we can cozy up on the couch and watch a movie and I can spend the night. And I'm in my sexual peak dammit! So I get it.

 

But I think by rushing to that point you can screw up the natural order of things and actually change the course of the would be relationship.

 

Good luck! I have a very promising first date Thursday night and I'm asking myself the same questions. Ugh