pbjbear Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Someone on here said people generally are givers and takers. I think Im a giver. It may have caused some problems in the past dating wise but Ive learned not to give too much too early on. Within the past few years, I dont think I have at least. It hasnt solved anything though since I have found in the long run (meaning once a guy is done showing their best behavior) alot of guys are takers. They expect me to put more effort into the relationship and dont see anything wrong with not putting in (close) to an equal amount of effort. This really is my ideal relationship. I see a few of my female friends in this same situation and while they still have their relationships, they are not all that happy with them. How do I distinguish givers from takers when making dating decisions? Id like some constructive advice, not criticism on what I have just said.
Weezy1973 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Try men that work in helping professions - teachers, social workers, nurses etc. Also start volunteering - men who volunteer their time tend to be more giving. Of course there are no guarantees, but it might be a starting point... 1
xpaperxcutx Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It's not them, it's you. You can volunteer and give yourself to not-for-profit organizations or join Greenpeace, but, for the love of God! stop giving yourself until the guy is willing to meet you halfway. There are men out there who will take advantage of you because you like to "give'.
RedRobin Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Reciprocation is the key. Learn how to look for it... and learn how to ask for it politely and constructively. People can't read your mind. I think a lot of women have a hard time asking for what they need and holding the line on what they want. In other words, women are socialized to need to be 'liked'... so when someone (man or woman) starts 'taking'... we are socialized to give more hoping they will too. But they don't. So stop it One thing I've learned in business... most men don't value what they don't pay for. and I'm not talking about $$, but I could be. That is how most men are socialized. So stop 'volunteering' or giving away those things for 'free' that they need to earn. Whatever it is you feel you are getting ripped off on.
carhill Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 How do I distinguish givers from takers when making dating decisions? Right out of the chute? Hard to tell, IMO. In retrospect, I've found interactions with the person and their friends and family to be the best indicator of 'style'. Still, good actors and/or disordered people can 'mask' (that was my exW's word) for a good long time.
Treasa Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It's really very simple. Don't be a "giver". Don't pay their way, don't offer to help out, don't "do the little things", don't bend over backward to make yourself available. Be kind, respectful, considerate, honest, and, above all, independent. There's no reason you need to be "giving" yourself away to anyone. Sharing yourself is not the same thing as letting yourself get taken advantage of. Thank you for saving me typing! 1
thecrucible Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Don't be an overgiver. I find it easier to focus on my own flaws than try to deal with anyone else's. Takers are takers but you can become a strong enough person to shake them off when required. This advice might help you.
Keenly Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I think you need to date different types of guys than you are used to It seems you lump all men into the same category because your narrow selection window returns repeating results. Try some one different.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Date better men and ask them. Women really don't know how far they can get with men by simply asking directly. Those little hints some women drop might as well be a a foreign language to us.
crude Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It's really very simple. Don't be a "giver". Don't pay their way, don't offer to help out, don't "do the little things", don't bend over backward to make yourself available. Thanks! That's perfect advice for men.
thecrucible Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Date better men and ask them. Women really don't know how far they can get with men by simply asking directly. Those little hints some women drop might as well be a a foreign language to us. And that's great advice for women. It took me a stupidly long time to work that one out.
Imajerk17 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Bluntly? Go on a second date with every guy who seems nice and decent on the first date. Go for character over chemistry. When ANYONE (male OR female) says that they always end up with takers, I always think THEY are the one to blame. Guys spend a lot of effort trying to win over the hotties who aren't that into them while the shy nice more plain-looking girl in the corner would be happy just to spend time, and then they come on here and write their "bitter-boy" threads about how women want the Alpha Male. Girls gotta have banter straight out of a rom-com or some sort of drama in the guy's life or they don't feel "chemistry", and then they wonder why the guys they end up with turn out to be players or loser-deadbeats.
SJC2008 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Being a giver is in someones nature IMO. I'm a giver but not a giver in that I give just to get a return. I give because I want to, there's a huge difference. TBS if it's going to be one sided that person is not compatible with me. Finding balance in a relationship is very hard IMO. You need to meet somene who has the same relationship "philosophy" as you do but it's not going to be easy, even if you ask/tell them what you're looking for. It's not like a guys gonna tell you when you ask him if he's a giver that he's a selfish prick. You have to keep dating until you meet someone you're compatible with. Take things slow and try to keep your head on a swivel for red flags and don't get too invested early on. I wish there was a clear cut way to tell but some people, as you know first handd, can hide their true selves for months until they're comfortable in the relationship. 2
tbf Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Consider the five languages of love. Sometimes people give back in ways that aren't apparent to you.
mortensorchid Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 If you are a caregiver by nature, find something else rather than someone else to take care of. Do some kind of charity work or dedicate yourself to a project (painting, landscaping, etc.), or even get a pet. If you give too much to one person you will be taken advantage of. THis way you can spread yourself thinner and not concentrate on one person. I have been the giver too many times in my life, I learned the hard way not to give into demands because it's not going to make either party happy, even when the other gets what they want.
FitChick Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Try men that work in helping professions - teachers, social workers, nurses etc. Also start volunteering - men who volunteer their time tend to be more giving.... I'm dating a man who isn't a teacher but he loves to "teach" people new things and help them out, including me. He is very helpful overall and volunteers without asking. Some people are naturally helpful. Especially Virgos.
AverageCat Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This is a tough topic. But I disagree with everyone who said you should stop giving. YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO TAKERS. Unfortunately... you (and most women), are not attracted to guys who want to put in the extra effort. It's just in the genes. Women are more caring and guys are more strong and unshakeable. If a guy started to invest more than you you would probably drop him because you just don't feel it. But your logical mind, is unhappy with your subconscious mind... So it's not a problem with the men really, just you. IMO giving is beautiful and is one of the traits men look for, but you have to find one of those RARE MEN (i.e. me), who knows well how to make you attracted and invested at first and then smoothly change into caring and rewarding for your investment and meet you halfway. It's all a push pull of investment and return (in cheap terms), but doing all once (i.e either giving or not giving), is not gonna produce good results.
dasein Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Limit early contact, avoid false intimacy. Keep an intelligent distance until they are actively seeking to involve you in the whole of their lives, family, friends, groups, not just their sex or partying life. Not that complicated actually.
rocketman122 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 its usually the takers who can easily say "dont give" its built into the givers and hard to stop. you cant turn this on and off. those who give will know. I dont know any other way but to give. its very hard to be a giver in this very taker world. I accept it that people are not like me and think about themselves more than their partners. its the reason wanted to be with me all the time and I drop them because they are takers. for me to be happy, if you meet me 20-30% im happy and shows me you put effort in too. im having this argument with my GF now as I give much more than she does. I dont have a problem with that. just when youre taken for granted and not appreciated is when I explode. I give you a finger, dont be greedy and take the whole hand. Peanut butter jelly, on the whole most are takers. it will be hard for you to find someone who is like you and me. its very rare. most say, im a giver..but its under circumstances. 1
Bengal Tiger Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 OP, do you know what you want and ask for it? (or at least drop very obvious hints) Or are you waiting for him to guess? Most guys are clueless (including me) and no guy can be expected to read your mind. This all seems very theoretical and generic. What specifically are you wanting more of? When he does something you like, do you let him know? And vice versa. Rewarding good behavior works for both pets and people btw. If you want to train him.
SJC2008 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This is a tough topic. But I disagree with everyone who said you should stop giving. YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO TAKERS. Unfortunately... you (and most women), are not attracted to guys who want to put in the extra effort. It's just in the genes. Women are more caring and guys are more strong and unshakeable. If a guy started to invest more than you you would probably drop him because you just don't feel it. But your logical mind, is unhappy with your subconscious mind... So it's not a problem with the men really, just you. IMO giving is beautiful and is one of the traits men look for, but you have to find one of those RARE MEN (i.e. me), who knows well how to make you attracted and invested at first and then smoothly change into caring and rewarding for your investment and meet you halfway. It's all a push pull of investment and return (in cheap terms), but doing all once (i.e either giving or not giving), is not gonna produce good results. I somewhat agree with you and was going to metion something but I didn't want this thread to snowball into "Women won't appreciate xyz..." war lol. TBS I think the OP is the type of woman who would aprreciate a "good" man and has dumped plenty of men after they did a 180 on her.
Author pbjbear Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 I somewhat agree with you and was going to metion something but I didn't want this thread to snowball into "Women won't appreciate xyz..." war lol. TBS I think the OP is the type of woman who would aprreciate a "good" man and has dumped plenty of men after they did a 180 on her. I have only dated 2 men where I think they were good men who wouldnt take advantage of me. One kind of fizzled out on his end and the other moved away. I always dump guys that do 180's on me. Just havent had the luck yet I guess. I wanna know how to spot them earlier but I guess it isnt always that easy
Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'm a guy but I am a giver! Someone on here mentioned an over giver. That seems to be me. It makes me happy to help that special someone. I mean do anything for her. But as you have found out the takers just take advantage of that. The situation I'm in right now started with us both giving. That is part of why I fell in love with her. But boy did it come to a halt. Good luck finding someone that gives as much as you do.
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