Changing relationship

[mucpa91]

I'm new here but I have a dilemma and don't know where to turn.

 

I'm in my 40s and most of my friends have been married 10+ years and are not much help in the dating world.

 

I've known this guy for over 20 years and we've always had a tremendous attraction to each other. However school and jobs kept us apart for the better part of those 20 years. Last year we began dating. He was totally committed and would say things about getting married etc which scared me to death. He also got pissed when I would put him on the back burner for dates and such. Well long story medium length, I stopped communicating with him after about 4 months. I just had numerous other family/work obligations and couldn't make it all work plus I was scared. After three months, I contacted him again, apologized and we started dating again. Its been about 4 months now. However our roles have totally reversed. I'm the one talking about the future and about how much he means to me. He just tells me how sweet I am, exactly like I did last year.

 

We are definitely dating but anytime I mention things about the future etc, he just freezes up. I'm thinking about telling him that I really like him and don't want to break up but I'm going to stop talking about these things because his lack of response really hurts me. I think if he hadn't been so open last year it would be okay but it seems weird to me after all he said last year.

 

Do I just back off with the future talk or do I ask him about it? We have a great time and are involved in each others lives. This is the only problem I have. Like I said maybe its just me.

 

Thanks

[NiceGuyDTW]

I'm new here but I have a dilemma and don't know where to turn.

 

I'm in my 40s and most of my friends have been married 10+ years and are not much help in the dating world.

 

I've known this guy for over 20 years and we've always had a tremendous attraction to each other. However school and jobs kept us apart for the better part of those 20 years. Last year we began dating. He was totally committed and would say things about getting married etc which scared me to death. He also got pissed when I would put him on the back burner for dates and such. Well long story medium length, I stopped communicating with him after about 4 months. I just had numerous other family/work obligations and couldn't make it all work plus I was scared. After three months, I contacted him again, apologized and we started dating again. Its been about 4 months now. However our roles have totally reversed. I'm the one talking about the future and about how much he means to me. He just tells me how sweet I am, exactly like I did last year.

 

We are definitely dating but anytime I mention things about the future etc, he just freezes up. I'm thinking about telling him that I really like him and don't want to break up but I'm going to stop talking about these things because his lack of response really hurts me. I think if he hadn't been so open last year it would be okay but it seems weird to me after all he said last year.

 

Do I just back off with the future talk or do I ask him about it? We have a great time and are involved in each others lives. This is the only problem I have. Like I said maybe its just me.

 

Thanks

 

Karma....sucks doesn't it. Well put yourself in his shoes. Ask yourself the questions you're asking.

[Joaquin]

People don't like to be treated like a convenience, to be dropped and picked up when suits. Do they. At 40 years plus it's surprising your just learning this now.

[Robman9911]

He's once bitten twice shy.. As I would be..

 

You have to prove it to him. Prove that you are going to be around for the long term.

[mucpa91]

I totally agree about the once bitten comments. In reference to my age, I've not dated much for the last 15 years or so. After divorcing, I took that time to raise my son. I found it next to impossible to work,date and raise my son. Now he is grown.

 

I've told him how sorry I am but I'm totally understanding about it taking a while for him to trust me. The relationship has progressed and is really good.

 

But my question is do I quit making the comments that seem to make him uneasy about the future - etc, or do I talk to him about it?

 

Thanks again!

[NiceGuyDTW]

I totally agree about the once bitten comments. In reference to my age, I've not dated much for the last 15 years or so. After divorcing, I took that time to raise my son. I found it next to impossible to work,date and raise my son. Now he is grown.

 

I've told him how sorry I am but I'm totally understanding about it taking a while for him to trust me. The relationship has progressed and is really good.

 

But my question is do I quit making the comments that seem to make him uneasy about the future - etc, or do I talk to him about it?

 

Thanks again!

 

There you have it. Until he trusts you, you really shouldn't talk about the future.

[mucpa91]

Ohh......That makes sense.

 

Thanks!!

[Robman9911]

I totally agree about the once bitten comments. In reference to my age, I've not dated much for the last 15 years or so. After divorcing, I took that time to raise my son. I found it next to impossible to work,date and raise my son. Now he is grown.

 

I've told him how sorry I am but I'm totally understanding about it taking a while for him to trust me. The relationship has progressed and is really good.

 

But my question is do I quit making the comments that seem to make him uneasy about the future - etc, or do I talk to him about it?

 

Thanks again!

 

You know him better than us. If he is the type to like to be up front just talk and ask where he stands, or if he just wants to take things slowly.

 

Or if he is the type to get scared off easily. Just go with the flow, and hope for continued progress to a deeper relationship.