OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I am a dumper and yes I'm paying for it big time, nothing hurts more than knowing you self sabotaged your one true love. However ive asked her back and she says needs to heal. We are still seeing each other and very close. She intiates all contact and arranges dates. I get texts throughout the night saying that she loves me and misses me, that she feels ****ty. Anyone find this strange????, maybe she does need to heal as she rekons she stopped loving herself and is broken. I want to repair her and will do anything. thoughts and possible actions/tips??? do I wait???
CaliBabe Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 As someone who was recently dumped by my love for a white lie I had told in the beginning of our relationship (it is nothing when looking at the big scope of things), I can feel her pain. The heartbreak and pain you feel after being dumped is indescribable. I can't eat, sleep, function at work. This may be what you put her through. She is hurt badly. Dumping someone is like pulling a trigger on a gun. You know you are going to hurt that person and you will change the dynamics of the relationship but you still chose to pull the trigger after knowing this. She does need time to heal, if you love her and regret hurting her, support her through this time.
magnoliasoutherly Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 First off, you cannot fix anyone. EVER. Second, I'm not really clear on your situation. Are you saying that you're still in love with her and want to work it out? Or are you really ready to break it off? Why did you break up with her in the first place? We need a bit more details in order to fully answer this.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 You really need to look at his past threads: He refuses to go No Contact, and they maintain a constant barrage of texts, discussions and exchanges which gives neither of them breathing space. OP, have you actually TOLD your ex that you should go No Contact and stay No Contact for at least 2 months before possibly reconnecting to see where you are both at? I get confused; your threads meander, and it's difficult to keep up. The only reason she succeeds in contacting you, is because you will persist in responding. YOU - NEED -TO - STOP - REPLYING - TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - !!!
magnoliasoutherly Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 You really need to look at his past threads: He refuses to go No Contact, and they maintain a constant barrage of texts, discussions and exchanges which gives neither of them breathing space.Ah yes. I don't routinely read their other posts. YOU - NEED -TO - STOP - REPLYING - TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - !!!+1,000
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He's just posted yet another thread, here!!! This is almost OCD behaviour......
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I really wish tara maiden would stop commenting. I don't want her to move on, I love her and am gutted I broke it off for stupid reasons. How will going no contact help, she needs supporting big time as she is broken. I need to show her that I am understanding and that I feel for her. She is my only ever love. Excellent comments you two, tara please don't comment on my posts in future, thank u.
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 So what if I'm posting a thread, I have that right. Why are u always on here, surely with your excellent advice you should be a relationship councillor.
magnoliasoutherly Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I really wish tara maiden would stop commenting. I don't want her to move on, I love her and am gutted I broke it off for stupid reasons. How will going no contact help, she needs supporting big time as she is broken. I need to show her that I am understanding and that I feel for her. She is my only ever love. Excellent comments you two, tara please don't comment on my posts in future, thank u.Well looking at your other posts, I can see where Tara is coming from. You posted 3 topics yesterday alone: Most bizarre situation for a second chanceWhat am I supposed to do??? To nc or notDo I stand any chance here? Never seen anything like it With the exception of #3, they all have pretty much the same answers. Those are only yesterdays starter threads. I'm not really sure what you're looking for. There is no magical way to fix this and it's obvious that it cannot be fixed. You're having a lot of denial going on here and while it is normal, don't take it to a level that you're taking it to. Sit back, take a deep breath and slow down. Listen to what people are telling you.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 So what if I'm posting a thread, I have that right. Why are u always on here, surely with your excellent advice you should be a relationship councillor. I AM! What you fail to realise is thay you are perpetuating this confusion. You are perpetuating this uncertainty. you are perpetuating this situation, by refusing to do what is both logical and right, and also Fair!! You need to communicate with her and mutually agree a complete 2-month silence. To gather your thoughts, decide what it is YOU want, see whether it matches her desires and if they match, do what is necessary to make a cohesive effort to reach that goal. If in 2 months, you decide that you feel a relationship will NOT work, or that you both want different things, then separate, and remain NO CONTACT!! It really could not be simpler - and works!! WHY Won't you do it - ?!?
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) This is why No Contact Works: Imagine that you are trying to write a tune, or compose a melody. But imagine that around you, there are three other CD's all playing different music, at the same time. You just can't think straight, and your head is bursting. The way to be able to 'compose a good melody' is to close those CD's off and stop them playing. The way to gather your thoughts and strategy together, is to Go No Contact, silence the confusion in your mind, and give yourselves both time to get over the hysteria of daily contact. You need time to calm things down and gather your thoughts - both of you. It's fair on her, and it's fair on you. YOU dumped her - but you don't want her to move on. This is an unfair game you're playing. She loves you and cannot let go. This is an unfair game she is playing. By keeping your distance and silence for an agreed period of 2 months, you will both arrive at a clearer place in your heads..... Edited February 26, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Well when I entered nc first time she battered my phone. The next time about 2 weeks ago she said she'd just go out with me straightaway to aviod losing me even though she needed to fully heal. I have two peoples opinions that say that I should support her through this. However I see what you are saying tara maiden. I do not have ocd just require many opinions before making life changing circumstances. Changing to nc after saying I would support her seems unreasonable, shes messed up enough.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I see.... but can you see how 'supporting her' is not working? This is just exposing her to more pain and anguish. Your good intention to support her is actually having the reverse effect. She is becoming needy, clingy and persistent. You are no longer the object of her affection - you are an addiction which she craves, and although she has a 'dose' of you every day, it is never enough, and the contact is becoming more persistent and actually, more damaging.. Can you see this? Now do you understand how No Contact enables a person to heal? At least if she can refrain from this continuous barrage of contacting you, she may give herself the time to calm her nerves, and heal her heart, and then evaluate your relationship with you more logically.
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Yes I do understand but I've changed tactics too many times so far, im like the wind. If you read my post off yesterday which are the same posts in different sections you will see a person called richard9 commented on them. I believe his opinion to back up what my dad has said. I can see why my support is not working but I almost positive she'll get back with me if I go nc but it won't be right and we'll mess up again. She says she wants it all in the future, mentions rings and everything. Tara maiden my apologies, you have a very stellar point here. so how do I do it? Anyone think I am right in supporting her, want two sides to it here?
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 . I can see why my support is not working but I almost positive she'll get back with me if I go nc but it won't be right and we'll mess up again. She says she wants it all in the future, mentions rings and everything. Tara maiden my apologies, you have a very stellar point here. so how do I do it? It's very simple: Ask to meet her. Tell her that you think you two are crushing each other with constant contact and that you both need a chance to step back, breathe and calm yourselves. She needs to 'get over' the situation and start to think rationally. You need to give her the space she needs and the opportunity to "Find her centre." So what you propose is this: You will meet back here (Wherever you both are - in a cafe, preferably) on such-and-such a day, at such-and-such a time, in two months. It's a promise, and a date. But in the meantime, you must both absolutely - definitely - completely - go Total No Contact. Do not pine every day, and tick off the hours, and clock- or calendar-watch. Try to live each day fully, and be happy. Do not date anyone else, do not see or contact anyone else; remain exclusive, and then, when the day arrives, see where you are both 'at'. But you must BOTH exercise self-discipline and will-power. This will do you both good, because you cannot hang your search for happiness and fulfilment on the shoulders of another person. You cannot seek or find validation through being with someone. They are NOT responsible for your happiness. They can ADD to it - but they should not be the creators of it. Be firm, clear and calm, but make it absolutely definite, that you will, not contact her or reply to her, and that she must not contact you or reply to you. Be strong, and be strong for each other. Anyone think I am right in supporting her, want two sides to it here? It would be interesting but I don't think so. I may be wrong, but I don't think I am...... 1
geegirl Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 ^^^ Everything Tara said ^^^ It is sound, mature advice, Oscar. I couldn't have said better.
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I completely see your point but do you think its possible to get back? If I thought that it would work I would definately do it, god I need a councillor. I've been to just one session by myself, however ex mentioned going together. I'm meeting her sunday, nc is gonna kill me. But I did mention it in my post last night so its been on my mind. Thanks for help.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I completely see your point but do you think its possible to get back? Yes, it's possible, but several things are required: You both admit the responsibilities you have in maintaining a good relationship. A good relationship needs constant work, and you both need to be 100% committed to making it work, even if it means facing up to uncomfortable truths; What did you do to sabotage it? (I'm using the word 'you' collectively, not personally to you, Oscar, okay...? ) This is not about blame, accusations or recriminations. There may well be blame - but regret, accept, amend and move on. Go to Counselling, both together, and individually. You not only need to establish your roles in this relationship with joint counselling, but also in individual counselling, to understand yourselves, your pluses and minuses, your 'work-in-progress' levels and what you do to bring good stuff to the partnership - and what you do to sabotage it. If I thought that it would work I would definately do it, Oscar, if there were guarantees of this kind, places like Loveshack wouldn't be necessary. There are no guarantees. That's why we're all here.... god I need a councillor. I've been to just one session by myself, however ex mentioned going together. Then get one. Suggest she gets one too. Then in 2 months, that will be the time to start going together. I'm meeting her sunday, nc is gonna kill me. But I did mention it in my post last night so its been on my mind. It won't Kill you I promise you. But yes - it will be difficult, it will be challenging, it will be painful - but hopefully it will teach you both independence and that life is better shared when the relationship is not dysfunctional.....
Author OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Thanks, hope you realise that you should be charging by the hour.
YouAreBeautiful Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to reconcile and work through the issues together.
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Yes there is..... you need to stick around a bit and see why. If it's not productive,, hurtful and one-sided, it's gonna be wrong.....
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