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When you see them 1,2,3 years later?


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Posted

21, first real love first real loss, ended last year in July,

No contact since then...

 

After hitting rock bottom when we first broke up, the hurt is now kind of stale and I feel better every day, future looks bright... new job, new potential girls, I can't wait to for summer, t-shirt off blasting around on my new yammy R6...

 

Sometimes I still miss what I had every once in a while, I have painful moments and still think about her at least once or twice every day, it's like a passive habit...

 

Anyway I was thinking, 95% of the time I think I would NEVER have her back, if I seen her I would probably give her a dirty look/completely ignore her, if she contacted me I would probably tell her to ****off...

 

But that's reflecting on the hurt she caused me, sometimes I think maybe I would smile at her, say hello like I've completely forgotten about everything she put me through?

 

The sadistic ego side of me wants her to be "effected" by seeing me, maybe even want me back, make her regret walking away from me... I want her to see an improved me, see me with a hotter girl by my side, looking bright and attractive etc etc...

 

So if I see her and look miserable and show hate, that shows I'm still effected by her, something I don't want to show...

I don't really feel either way, I could show up or down emotion when I see her... either would be a true reflection of how I feel...

 

Sooner or later I will see her, maybe it will be a brief situation like driving by, or maybe a more sticky situation being in the same club... who knows?

But one day it's gonna happen...

 

I'll probably give a cheeky smile - which says "I remember you, but I'm happy and content with my life"...

How will you react?

Posted
How will you react?
I think it really depends on how long it has been.

 

I'm 45 and thanks be to the Facebook thing, I've had several exes look me up. One in particular is P.

 

P was very into me and I knew it. He even asked me to marry him. It was unfortunate that I was just not into him at all. After the marriage proposal I realized that this had gone too far. When we broke up he was devastated and I felt pretty dirty about it. With every painful plea he made to get me back, I felt a stab of guilt that would not go away. I should never have started going out with him to begin with. but I did and that was that.

 

I saw him a couple of years later and he was angry. Not just angry, but he treated me with absolute contempt. It hurt me and it was obvious to me that he still wasn't over it, but what could I do to make it better? Apologies wouldn't fix his pain and any effort I would make to send a message that I was truly sorry would only encourage him into believing that there was still a chance. I also had to wonder if he was only acting that way hoping to see if I had a reaction, as if I still had a feeling in there somewhere. For this reason, I acted as though it didn't bother me. It was best to try and ignore it all the way around.

 

Eventually I got married and moved away. I didn't ever see or hear from him again until about a year ago. One of my friends from school friended me on Facebook and I was friends with her when dating P. P immediately requested a friending on FB and I couldn't believe it. Our break up had happened well over 20 years ago, but I couldn't help but wonder if there would be bad blood.

 

To my delight, there wasn't. He is happily married with an adorable wife and children. I felt like a duh (for my stupidity) was in order. Good for him! We are now great friends and our past has never even entered any conversation.

 

So really it boils down to what you want to do and how you feel. If you don't want her to know that you're still in pain, then pretend you're not and act disinterested. If you don't care, then be yourself. If you have a hope that you might get her back, then avoid it completely because you won't. It's done. It's over and there is no changing it.

 

Much luck to you. Hugs.

Posted

I ran into my Ex years and years later. She cheated on me and when I confronted her she basically called me a loser, working dead end jobs and wasn't going to college and she was going with someone that had a future. So, she dumped me.

 

So, I got my act together. I did go to college and a LOT of it. I got myself a great job; a great career. Got married, house in the burbs and traveled the world. Life is good. Last I heard, she married the guy she cheated on me with. He was going to college but had to transfer to the "University of I'm pregnant and you need to get a job". I think he became a Ambulance driver or something.

 

So, one day, I had a meeting across the city that I had to get to. I knew the meeting was going to be EXTREMELY boring so I stopped off at a starbucks to get a Latte for the meeting to keep me awake. As I was climbing out of my car I saw her walking out of the starbucks. I knew it was her because we both had to do a double take. And, unfortunately, she still looked good....dammit. We didn't say a word to each other and she climbed into her little Honda Civic. BUT! she saw me climbing out of my Lexus wearing a suit. Yeah, I'm the loser huh.....

  • Like 3
Posted
unfortunately, she still looked good....dammit. We didn't say a word to each other and she climbed into her little Honda Civic. BUT! she saw me climbing out of my Lexus wearing a suit. Yeah, I'm the loser huh.....
LOL!

 

Can I ask you a question though about that? Did you ever actually get over her? It doesn't sound like you really did. I don't mean that you're still madly in love with her, but there is a twinge of something if you take pleasure in it.

 

Not saying it's wrong, but just curious. I wonder if that's what P is all about on FB? Hmmmm.

  • Author
Posted
If you have a hope that you might get her back

 

I wouldn't have her back even if you promised to make me a millionaire, I've upped my standards since her, solely because of her... so she obviously doesn't meet my standards now...

 

Also, I wouldn't want to be with somebody who was so selfish and cold while knowing how devastated I was, being a pathetic heartbroken mess while she was already getting into a new guy 6 weeks later,

 

And I just generally, and genuinely have no desire to be with her what so ever, I feel like I'm out of her league in terms of lifestyle, she's 23 on welfare with a 3 year old kid, she's going nowhere in life... I'm 21, good looking, good job, car, superbike, apartment... I don't need or want her...

 

But I do have a desire to break that silence, I won't actively seek it but I do want it to happen naturally, and I want to make an impression in my favor when it does happen...

  • Author
Posted
LOL!

 

Can I ask you a question though about that? Did you ever actually get over her? It doesn't sound like you really did. I don't mean that you're still madly in love with her, but there is a twinge of something if you take pleasure in it.

 

Not saying it's wrong, but just curious. I wonder if that's what P is all about on FB? Hmmmm.

 

Well I can relate and understand what he's saying, of course there is a slight pleasure in them knowing that you're doing good, and even better if you're doing good BETTER than they are... damn right.

 

That doesn't mean he's not over her, it just means he has an ego... and who doesn't? I know I do.

Posted
I want to make an impression in my favor when it does happen...
In that case, it's confidence you want. You want to send a message that you're much happier where you are now, so it wouldn't bother you at all if you see her. You don't want overconfidence either though, because then it's obvious what you're doing.

 

Think of it this way, you just act like she's a former classmate that you haven't seen for a while. Somewhat happy to see them, glad to know they're doing great and see ya.

Posted
Well I can relate and understand what he's saying, of course there is a slight pleasure in them knowing that you're doing good, and even better if you're doing good BETTER than they are... damn right.

 

That doesn't mean he's not over her, it just means he has an ego... and who doesn't? I know I do.

LOL! Well we women don't really know what men think just as men don't always get us. I'm presently doing research on that stuff and his post interested me for that reason.
  • Author
Posted (edited)
In that case, it's confidence you want. You want to send a message that you're much happier where you are now, so it wouldn't bother you at all if you see her. You don't want overconfidence either though, because then it's obvious what you're doing.

 

Think of it this way, you just act like she's a former classmate that you haven't seen for a while. Somewhat happy to see them, glad to know they're doing great and see ya.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking, but in a more subtle way, I wouldn't do any small talk, probably just a genuine smile and let my appearance do the talking...

 

I guess it's wanting to patch up the dignity I lost when she broke up with me, wanting to mend a bruised ego...

 

I'm on the very last page of a book and the ending words are unwritten... the last time she seen me I was heartbroken, obviously weak and hurt... her seeing me happy, confident and attractive now would be to write those ending words and I could finally and officially close the book and say "next".... if that makes sense.

Edited by its a lifestyle
Posted
if that makes sense.
Perfectly!

 

As for the chatting, I meant if she ever initiates with you. I agree that the less is the better.

 

You're doing great and I think your ego isn't as bruised as you think it is. You are much stronger than you think you are. :)

  • Like 1
Posted
LOL!

 

Can I ask you a question though about that? Did you ever actually get over her? It doesn't sound like you really did. I don't mean that you're still madly in love with her, but there is a twinge of something if you take pleasure in it.

 

Not saying it's wrong, but just curious. I wonder if that's what P is all about on FB? Hmmmm.

 

 

Oh yeah, I was over her a LONG time ago. I will admit, it was her hurtful words that motivated me to actually do something with my life. To prove her wrong. But, after about a year of making self improvements, it wasn't about proving her wrong, it was about making positive changes for myself and my future. I mean, my Ex wasn't going to benefit from the changes I was making. So, it was about myself after that.

 

Running into her didn't fill me with a sense of revenge or satisfaction. I was rather shocked to be honest. I've moved on with my life and it turned out pretty good. It was her choice not to be a part of it. Her loss. But, in a way, I guess I would need to thank her. She's the one that cheated and dumped me, forcing me to make changes in my life.

  • Author
Posted
I will admit, it was her hurtful words that motivated me to actually do something with my life. To prove her wrong. But, after about a year of making self improvements, it wasn't about proving her wrong, it was about making positive changes for myself and my future

 

I completely understand this 100%...

 

When I was with her I wasn't legit... any money I had was dirty, I was involved in some pretty deep stuff with old friends who I now keep at arms length... I didn't have a job, I had no stability and was living day to day... I had nothing to offer her,

 

We broke up because being first love I didn't understand or appreciate was it was, I hadn't learned the lessons I needed to learn which I now have, we were constantly arguing and I guess I drove her to the point of walking away from it...

 

But, I felt like it was having nothing to offer her that made it possible for her to walk away,

 

After hitting rock bottom, I had never felt so motivated in my life to actually make a real life for myself, in the past 8 months I've got a kushy job, nice car, been smashing the gym 5 days/week, just got myself a brand new superbike, nice apartment in decent area, I look in the mirror and I'm proud of what I see... I'm comfortable, happy and LEGIT.

 

My point is at first my thoughts were "I'll show her"... I was doing it because of her... but when things started to happen it felt amazing, and I realized I'm not doing it for HER, I'm doing it for ME... "self-improvements"... the clue is in the name, it just took me a while to realize that.

 

But admittedly, being able to say "look at me now" for ego reasons would definitely be the cherry on the cake.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

That is totally awesome. I just wish people on this subforum could understand that NC is one thing and it will help you heal and move on. But NC with making positive changes and self improvements will make that healing process move so much more quickly.

 

When we get dumped, our ego and our self esteem goes striaght into the toliet. Even if it's a mutual break up and there's no hard feelings. Doesn't matter. You realize that even though this person still thinks that you are a great guy or gal. This person still doesn't want to spend any time with you.

 

 

Just by making even the SMALLEST of changes will have an impact on your ego or self esteem. Even getting a new wardrobe and a new hairstyle will do it. If a friend comes to you and says, "Damn dude, You look sharp!" or "Damn Girl, you look hot!" It's going to boost your ego. Something that simple!

 

Getting new hobbies and join those clubs that are formed around your hobbies gets you meeting new people. These people will usually invite you to events because they like having you around! You're fun to be around! They enjoy your company! That will help too!

 

na49 found himself going to the gym! He's making possitive changes! Getting himself into shape. Feeling good and stronger. Someone else just started a thread about coming back from a trip and she's completely destressed, decompressed and recharged! She sounded happy and came to some clarity about the end of her relationship. She found her closure by doing something outside her norm. By realizing that are Ex's aren't our entire world. There's a world outside our doors! Go see it!

 

People need to start doing these things. Then, perhaps they'll start to understand and heal quickly.

Edited by Chi townD
Posted

The best revenge on an ex is being happy. I know it's a cliche, but making progress in this world will make them ask themselves the question that has tortured human beings since the dawn of time. Those two dreaded words - "What If?" If she sees you being successful - and more successful than herself and/or current partner - you better bet she'll ask herself that question.

 

My own most recent ex will not be returning to my life - and, I am getting to the stage where I really don't want to see, hear or know anything about her ever again.

 

That's because I do have self-esteem, self-respect and pride. This idea that exes should be friends/friendly after many years have passed (and everyone has moved on with their live blah blah blah) might sell tickets to the chick flicks, but to my mind it's all BS. I don't particualrly like my current ex, now, I have no respect for her and no longer wish her to be any part of my life. She cheated on me at her work Xmas party and fell pregnant to her paramour. To my book - completely unacceptable and unforgivable.

 

I set up a thread earlier today where I asked - where am I going to be in 3-5 years time? and answered it. If my literary career continues as it is, I will probably be making a comfortable living. I will probably meet someone new (maybe not marry them) and try to raise a new family. Where will she be: A middle-aged single mother, most likely tied to her current dead end job, living in her house with her three half-trained dogs (whom she cannot let off their leads beyond the garden gate). A squawling, half-socialised brat hanging from her skirt hem (if the dog training prowess is anything to go by) in a house that smells of dog p*ss. The three dogs despite being over 4 years old are still not fully house trained.

 

Why would anyone want to associate themselves with that!!?

  • Like 1
Posted

All of my exes are dead to me. End of story.:p

Posted
21, first real love first real loss, ended last year in July,

No contact since then...

 

After hitting rock bottom when we first broke up, the hurt is now kind of stale and I feel better every day, future looks bright... new job, new potential girls, I can't wait to for summer, t-shirt off blasting around on my new yammy R6...

 

Sometimes I still miss what I had every once in a while, I have painful moments and still think about her at least once or twice every day, it's like a passive habit...

 

Anyway I was thinking, 95% of the time I think I would NEVER have her back, if I seen her I would probably give her a dirty look/completely ignore her, if she contacted me I would probably tell her to ****off...

 

But that's reflecting on the hurt she caused me, sometimes I think maybe I would smile at her, say hello like I've completely forgotten about everything she put me through?

 

The sadistic ego side of me wants her to be "effected" by seeing me, maybe even want me back, make her regret walking away from me... I want her to see an improved me, see me with a hotter girl by my side, looking bright and attractive etc etc...

 

So if I see her and look miserable and show hate, that shows I'm still effected by her, something I don't want to show...

I don't really feel either way, I could show up or down emotion when I see her... either would be a true reflection of how I feel...

 

Sooner or later I will see her, maybe it will be a brief situation like driving by, or maybe a more sticky situation being in the same club... who knows?

But one day it's gonna happen...

 

I'll probably give a cheeky smile - which says "I remember you, but I'm happy and content with my life"...

How will you react?

 

if you have put this much thought into the random chance of bumping into her, and just how exactly you're going to fee/react, then you're going to react badly.

  • Author
Posted
if you have put this much thought into the random chance of bumping into her, and just how exactly you're going to fee/react, then you're going to react badly.

 

I explained a situation of me reacting badly, and I explained a situation of me acting... "goodly"?

 

How do you come to the conclusion that I'm going to react badly just by contemplating how I'll react when I do see her?

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