To be or not to be Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 UPDATE: A little background: I met a guy on a dating site Feb. 6th. First few dates were emails, text messages and then to talking on the phone twice before finally meeting a week later. We seem to hit it off well and very comfortable around each other. We confirmed interest in each other and wanted to see each other soon. We're both looking for a real relationship but he's forward with his words sexually and I let him know that. He says he's not seeing or talking to anyone else and I have all of this attention. But I must say, his attention to me is not much. All we do is text and it's been less since the first week. I attempted to call him but he replied in a text that he was tired. Eleven days go by before he commited to a second date. I thought that was a long time to be asked out a 2nd time! The date went good I thought and we came back to my apartment and things got heavy but no sex. I asked him over for a movie the following day and he agreed. He had house hunting to do that day. I didn't hear much from him that day and finally @5pm I get a text that says " I just got home, I'm tired". He didn't try to reschedule and didn't text me much after. I didn't hear from him the entire day following. So, I text him to see how he was and he replied. I followed that by " I haven't heard from you, are we done talking?" He responds "No, you didn't text me much yesterday". 2 Questions: Are all single men this way, is this normal? I'm trying not to compare but it's kinda hard when ex mm had wayy more charm and showed wayy more interest. When is it ok to have sex with a guy you want a possible relationship with, without him thinking your easy?
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I'm not even going to bother giving you a long and protracted answer. If he's not ticking your boxes and reacting the way you'd like, dump this one. He seems to not want to make any effort at all. If I were doing this, I would KNOW I'm worth a whole lot more effort than this guy is putting in! Well excuse me for even trying! Jerk. 2
Author To be or not to be Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I'm not even going to bother giving you a long and protracted answer. If he's not ticking your boxes and reacting the way you'd like, dump this one. He seems to not want to make any effort at all. If I were doing this, I would KNOW I'm worth a whole lot more effort than this guy is putting in! Well excuse me for even trying! Jerk. I was thinking the same but thought maybe it was just me comparing him to ex mm. I'm not gonna lie...it makes me miss him. Which btw he still manages to use yet Another yahoo messenger account to contact me after i blocked him. I was pissy towards him and blocked him again, I didn't want too but I knew it was best.
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) UPDATE: A little background: I met a guy on a dating site Feb. 6th. First few dates were emails, text messages and then to talking on the phone twice before finally meeting a week later. We seem to hit it off well and very comfortable around each other. We confirmed interest in each other and wanted to see each other soon. We're both looking for a real relationship but he's forward with his words sexually and I let him know that. He says he's not seeing or talking to anyone else and I have all of this attention. But I must say, his attention to me is not much. All we do is text and it's been less since the first week. I attempted to call him but he replied in a text that he was tired. Eleven days go by before he commited to a second date. I thought that was a long time to be asked out a 2nd time! The date went good I thought and we came back to my apartment and things got heavy but no sex. I asked him over for a movie the following day and he agreed. He had house hunting to do that day. I didn't hear much from him that day and finally @5pm I get a text that says " I just got home, I'm tired". He didn't try to reschedule and didn't text me much after. I didn't hear from him the entire day following. So, I text him to see how he was and he replied. I followed that by " I haven't heard from you, are we done talking?" He responds "No, you didn't text me much yesterday". 2 Questions: Are all single men this way, is this normal? I'm trying not to compare but it's kinda hard when ex mm had wayy more charm and showed wayy more interest. When is it ok to have sex with a guy you want a possible relationship with, without him thinking your easy? He is not into you. Do not compare the courting style of a cheating MM with single men. Cheating men are much more dedicated and intense and they have a well defined plan when looking for a date. Single men are less attentive as they have multiple options-------- and are not as focused. Furthermore, your guy may be dating several other women and his interest is diluted. OTOH your MM only has you and the wife at home. Edited February 26, 2013 by Pierre 1
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 As for sex: I suggest you only have sex when you have a BF. 1
kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He's not even trying IMHO. I think you let him know and if he is interested he can step up his game or you can kick him to the curb. Hugs! 1
Cali408 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He could be playing hard to get. As for the exmm, change your email. As for this guy, he probably gets off on you chasing him. Don't email or text. Make him call you. If he's interested, he'll call you, if not, next.... 1
jwi71 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 No, no, no - everyone posting before me is wrong. As a man, and abiding by the man code, totally sleep with him. Like tonight. Or now. Just sayin'
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 No, no, no - everyone posting before me is wrong. As a man, and abiding by the man code, totally sleep with him. Like tonight. Or now. Just sayin' :D:D Yeah, we don't want to undo all the hard work we have put into making women believe they should view sex just like we men do.:cool: What a snow job!
LFH Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He is not into you. Do not compare the courting style of a cheating MM with single men. Cheating men are much more dedicated and intense and they have a well defined plan when looking for a date. Single men are less attentive as they have multiple options-------- and are not as focused. Furthermore, your guy may be dating several other women and his interest is diluted. OTOH your MM only has you and the wife at home. As for sex: I suggest you only have sex when you have a BF. Remember when I said that sometimes what you say can be damaging? This is a good example. You are making MM sound MORE desirable than single guys. Why would you want to do that? As far as sleeping with him... do it if you want. Don't do it if you don't. There are no magical rules for when it's right. It's only right when you want it to be right.
Cali408 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Remember when I said that sometimes what you say can be damaging? This is a good example. You are making MM sound MORE desirable than single guys. Why would you want to do that? As far as sleeping with him... do it if you want. Don't do it if you don't. There are no magical rules for when it's right. It's only right when you want it to be right. LFH, I like reading your stuff, but you're completely wrong here. Pierre is saying that a MM has less options because most women won't get involved with one, so he is more focused on what he can get and a plan of action to get it A single guy has more options and less of a plan of action. Most guys who are single think, if it goes great, if not, there's always the next one.
LFH Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 LFH, I like reading your stuff, but you're completely wrong here. Pierre is saying that a MM has less options because most women won't get involved with one, so he is more focused on what he can get and a plan of action to get it A single guy has more options and less of a plan of action. Most guys who are single think, if it goes great, if not, there's always the next one. In most instances I'd agree with you. But it's a repetitive theme for him, and that's what I wish he'd understand. Not listening to what someone is actually saying and responding with a cookie cutter response is damaging. The OP already talked about how she can't help but compare and she finds herself longing for her xMM. Being reminded of his "intense" dating style and basically told she'll never get that again from a single guy is not only unhelpful but is also false. Listening to that propaganda is setting her up to become the OW again.
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Remember when I said that sometimes what you say can be damaging? This is a good example. You are making MM sound MORE desirable than single guys. Why would you want to do that? Most women do not think married men are desirable. Some do, but most don't. I was simply trying to explain the differences in dating style. As far as sleeping with him... do it if you want. Don't do it if you don't. There are no magical rules for when it's right. It's only right when you want it to be right. I agree, but I believe women feel better if they have sex after making a solid emotional connection.
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 In most instances I'd agree with you. But it's a repetitive theme for him, and that's what I wish he'd understand. Not listening to what someone is actually saying and responding with a cookie cutter response is damaging. The OP already talked about how she can't help but compare and she finds herself longing for her xMM. Being reminded of his "intense" dating style and basically told she'll never get that again from a single guy is not only unhelpful but is also false. Listening to that propaganda is setting her up to become the OW again. It is not a cookie cutter response. It is reality! In somem affairs men and women text each other 200-300 hundred times a day. For single people that are dating that would be unheard off and way too intense. There is a palpable difference in intensity in most cases.
wisernow Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Most women do not think married men are desirable. Some do, but most don't. I was simply trying to explain the differences in dating style. I agree, but I believe women feel better if they have sex after making a solid emotional connection. Because you know women so well... 1
MissBee Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 UPDATE: A little background: I met a guy on a dating site Feb. 6th. First few dates were emails, text messages and then to talking on the phone twice before finally meeting a week later. We seem to hit it off well and very comfortable around each other. We confirmed interest in each other and wanted to see each other soon. We're both looking for a real relationship but he's forward with his words sexually and I let him know that. He says he's not seeing or talking to anyone else and I have all of this attention. But I must say, his attention to me is not much. All we do is text and it's been less since the first week. I attempted to call him but he replied in a text that he was tired. Eleven days go by before he commited to a second date. I thought that was a long time to be asked out a 2nd time! The date went good I thought and we came back to my apartment and things got heavy but no sex. I asked him over for a movie the following day and he agreed. He had house hunting to do that day. I didn't hear much from him that day and finally @5pm I get a text that says " I just got home, I'm tired". He didn't try to reschedule and didn't text me much after. I didn't hear from him the entire day following. So, I text him to see how he was and he replied. I followed that by " I haven't heard from you, are we done talking?" He responds "No, you didn't text me much yesterday". 2 Questions: Are all single men this way, is this normal? I'm trying not to compare but it's kinda hard when ex mm had wayy more charm and showed wayy more interest. When is it ok to have sex with a guy you want a possible relationship with, without him thinking your easy? Although texting is second nature to most people these days, I am a big fan of phone calls and absolutely HATE for a man to text me all the time. I prefer phone calls. You can do anything while texting. That to me is not giving me your attention. Lots of affairs are conducting mostly through the electronic word. I'm not interested in that and your whole situation is off putting to me personally. He just seems lazy and like he's not that into you. If I am iffing butting and guessing early in the game...it's not a good sign. I personally refrain from having sex too soon with a man I'm serious about...not because of fear of being thought of as easy, but because sex does change and often complicate things and I'd rather have a solid foundation before we have sex. Have you not dated single men before? No they aren't all that way. You have the good, bad and ugly and in the dating game it is crucial you stick to YOUR standards and date men whose behavior, attitude, the way they treat you, their values are in line with your own. If you have to be worried too much, guessing, second-guessing etc. it may not be a good sign. But you are not that involved yet...which is also what dating is...every date or potential interest isn't a commitment. It's a time to discover IF anything further can happen. Many times nothing further should and you want to be loosely connected and observing so you can cut the cord if such is the case. Too many people skip discovery and jump into sex and seriousness and realize after the fact, and after being attached, that it is just not a good fit. 3
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Because you know women so well... Some I actually don't know. I get the urge to have sex with whomever without a connection, but I would not take her seriously. But, maybe I am missing something, you are correct.
fllygirl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 It's nothing to do with being single or married. With all these different type of dating sites some polished married men have more options then single and can be very picky, and single guys chase just as much if not even more than married and with right connection can be very intense as well with hundred texts a day. In your case he is just not into you, his interest level dropped after first date for whatever reason only he knows, even if he has some interest left it is not enough to persuade you. When guy likes you he won't be waiting for you to ask him out on the 3rd date. Stop initiating any contacts if you still want any chances with him and look for others. But I would say: Next! 1
Author To be or not to be Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Although texting is second nature to most people these days, I am a big fan of phone calls and absolutely HATE for a man to text me all the time. I prefer phone calls. You can do anything while texting. That to me is not giving me your attention. Lots of affairs are conducting mostly through the electronic word. I'm not interested in that and your whole situation is off putting to me personally. He just seems lazy and like he's not that into you. If I am iffing butting and guessing early in the game...it's not a good sign. I personally refrain from having sex too soon with a man I'm serious about...not because of fear of being thought of as easy, but because sex does change and often complicate things and I'd rather have a solid foundation before we have sex. Have you not dated single men before? No they aren't all that way. You have the good, bad and ugly and in the dating game it is crucial you stick to YOUR standards and date men whose behavior, attitude, the way they treat you, their values are in line with your own. If you have to be worried too much, guessing, second-guessing etc. it may not be a good sign. But you are not that involved yet...which is also what dating is...every date or potential interest isn't a commitment. It's a time to discover IF anything further can happen. Many times nothing further should and you want to be loosely connected and observing so you can cut the cord if such is the case. Too many people skip discovery and jump into sex and seriousness and realize after the fact, and after being attached, that it is just not a good fit. Thanks for all the great responses! I cut the cord today and back out to the sea I go; dating sucks! MissB: I have dated single guys prior to ex mm but quite honestly I never felt like I had that much of a connection with any. I've been divorced for 11yrs and have only been in one real relationship with a single guy since then. I haven't met many that I felt compatible with or thought were relationship material. Just my luck! I wonder if OP find it difficult getting back out in the dating world again? Like over sensitivity or over analyzing everything a guy says? I'm finding this an issue and I don't believe I was like this before.
Author To be or not to be Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 He is not into you. Do not compare the courting style of a cheating MM with single men. Cheating men are much more dedicated and intense and they have a well defined plan when looking for a date. Single men are less attentive as they have multiple options-------- and are not as focused. Furthermore, your guy may be dating several other women and his interest is diluted. OTOH your MM only has you and the wife at home. Yes I do know the difference between the two and it makes realize how much easier it was to date ex mm. He made everything easy and I felt very desirable. But could dating a mm for so long cause me too have unknowingly increase in expectations of the single man? Making dating more difficult?
Author To be or not to be Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 In most instances I'd agree with you. But it's a repetitive theme for him, and that's what I wish he'd understand. Not listening to what someone is actually saying and responding with a cookie cutter response is damaging. The OP already talked about how she can't help but compare and she finds herself longing for her xMM. Being reminded of his "intense" dating style and basically told she'll never get that again from a single guy is not only unhelpful but is also false. Listening to that propaganda is setting her up to become the OW again. Your right I hope that is not the case but in the 11yrs that I've been divorced I've only been in one relationship that was similar to the attention a married man gives. Perhaps my luck in men had me in a weak moment that drew me to the mm like so many. LFH I'm not familiar with your story but has dating a mm increased your expectations of the single guy?
LFH Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Your right I hope that is not the case but in the 11yrs that I've been divorced I've only been in one relationship that was similar to the attention a married man gives. Perhaps my luck in men had me in a weak moment that drew me to the mm like so many. LFH I'm not familiar with your story but has dating a mm increased your expectations of the single guy? I don't date. I'm monogamously committed to my MM. I do know that I'd never want to be with anyone that didn't treat me as well as he treats me though. I think it's the matter of the quality though and not actually the maritial status. I KNOW that there are really good guys out there that are really committed to being interactive. My sister has just such a guy, and he's very much only hers.
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