Tracy Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 It seems to me that you had great passion with an om-what happened with that how and why did you end it- how are you getting over that lose. Definitely great passion. It felt like what you described with Sunshine.....spilled into everything with us. It was ver destructive for me, however. I ended it because I couldn't stand the uncertainty anymore. I was so guilt ridden when I was with him I couldn't stand it. When my H asked for one last try in January....I told OM it was something I needed to do and that I couldn't see or talk to him anymore. I was not as confident in my decision as you seem to be, and my uncertainty caused alot of problems. My situation is also different....I have young children that I want to protect. Ultimately, I couldn't make a firm decision. Telling him goodbye IS the hardest thing I've done. But, I couldn't face letting my kids have a stepmom without giving a TRUE effort to save my marriage. It's been about 9 months. I think about him EVERY day. It has suddenly started getting a LITTLE easier. Some days I really regret it and some days I know that I did what I had to do.
Author catb Posted September 8, 2004 Author Posted September 8, 2004 Tracey- I feel the saddness in your post-If I were near you Id give you a hug. My children are18 and 13, they are what has stopped me from leaving along time ago. I too wanted to protect them-but then I realized -What exactly was I protecting them from? my happiness? I love them unconditionally-they know WE have always been there for them and would continue to be. Life is painful, maybe Im trying to justify my position but Id like to hope they would love us enough to want us to be happy. I too feel tremendous guilt when I am with my om. You are a stronger person than me-I have tried to break this relationship off atleast 5 times-and maybe this is what TMCM was talking about-I go back like a junkie desperate for a fix. I love my kids, my extended family, my friends--my feelings for all of them has made me stay. Not long ago it hit me ---I cared more about their happiness than my own. This is my life the only one I'll have-i have never had this kind of passion before and it takes my breath away to think of giving it up. Im still not sure what im going to do-my om wont wait much longer for me -god knows he has been more that patient with me. If i do stay it will be for my kids and I know in my heart a part of me will die. sorry to be rambling here---
TMCM Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Originally posted by catb I too feel tremendous guilt when I am with my om. You are a stronger person than me-I have tried to break this relationship off atleast 5 times-and maybe this is what TMCM was talking about-I go back like a junkie desperate for a fix. That is exactly what I meant. You are being torn apart by your love for you children and your love for your OM. If you had divorced your H before you had your affair with the OM, there would have probably been a period of adjustment for your kids in which they would have eventually accepted the fact that mom and dad would no longer be together again and understood your reasons for ending your marriage. But with your affair, your children will grow up knowing that the reason their mother left their father was because she got involved with another man. Their view of marriage will be forever altered by your affair and their relationships with others may suffer because of it. I apologize catb if my words sound harsh because it is not my intention to hurt you but you have to realize that the passion you have experienced from your affair has come with a terrible price not just for your family but for you as well. Your affair has brought you a false happiness very much like the one that drugs or alcohol bring to the people that are its slaves.
TMCM Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Oh how I wish that our young men and women would be forced to learn how to meet each others emotional needs before they would be allowed to graduate. Lord knows how many of them would be saved from sad stories like this one
Author catb Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 TMCM- Wow- Thanks for another reality check- your words are not harsh just difficult to hear. Now what did I do with that darn time machine cause Id go back and do things very differently if i could!!! But Im hear now at the crossroads and I have to decide what road to take- the path of an uncertain future with a man I dont love or the path of an uncertain future with a man i love. My children are old enough that I plan on telling them what has happened, how i felt, what led to what -they lived with us, they saw first hand the apathy -ill never forget my son when he was much younger saying to me "mom,why do you look soo sad?" They know what was going on. Here I go again trying to justify my position. Ive got alot to think about. Thanks for telling me what i need to hear.
TMCM Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Catb I'd let you borrow my time machine except that mine got taken away at birth "I have to decide what road to take- the path of an uncertain future with a man I dont love or the path of an uncertain future with a man i love." There is a third path and that is the one in which neither men are a part of your future. If you end your affair first and then end your marriage, the advantages would be the following: 1. You would no longer be torn apart between relationships and you'd be on the road to personal recovery. 2. Once you healed emotionally, your future relationship with another man would not carry emotional baggage like guilt from your previous relationships. 3. You would then be able to say to your children [and more importantly to yourself] that both relationships were unhealthy and that they were destroying you physically, mentally and emotionally. Your children could understand and respect your decision and so would you. 4. No mistrust from either men [H and OM] towards you. Lets face it BOTH men would have a hard time trusting you and would most probably be forever questioning your actions. But whatever you decide I wish you the best and hope that you will come up with a decision that will be mutually beneficial to you and your family. God bless.
Tracy Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 TMCM....your third option is honorable and prob the "right" choice. However, I wonder if it's the best thing for catb. I mean....for me, that is exactly what I should have done. I am young with young children and part of what made my separation so impossible was my relationship with OM. My husband HATED him with everything he had and made it impossible for us to have a peaceful relationship with my children (me, OM and my girls). I knew my relationship with OM would be tainted in every aspect, because of conditions my H imposed. I should have separated from both men. That's not to say that after a period alone that I wouldn't have ended up with one of them. But a period alone would have helped me clear my head, and been respectful to both of them as well. I don't want to confuse catb any more than she already is But, I do think that her age and position in life (grown kids, etc) does make a difference. I think if she is upfront with her kids they will be more likely to accept her reasoning. Especially since they have witnessed years of apathy and from what she has said, are aware of how things really are. The only thing that still draws me back and makes me lean toward your third option, even for catb, is that God doesn't honor sin. And, adultry--no matter what the reason or excuse--is sin. (That is another reason I couldn't commit to OM. I was afraid that we were setting ourselves up for a no-win situation.) Even if catb can get over the guilt, is it possible for her relationship with OM to be blessed and fruitful? I would like an answer to that. At first glance, I'd say no because God doesn't bless sin. But, I see couples who started out the same way and seem to have a succesful, blessed marriage. I think maybe they entered into the sinful relationship, then later repented for their sins, wiped the slate clean, and God forgave??? I better get off that...can get really deep. My point is catb isn't getting any younger. And, it's not as if she has to deal with child custody problems, etc. I imagine she is afraid to let go of OM because at this stage in her life, will she find another one like him? True, she shouldn't leave her husband unless she's prepared to spend the rest of her days alone. But, I'm not sure what I would do in her case either. I think it's still a good idea to detach from them both while you work through separation. I don't think it's unlikely that your relationship with OM could work eventually, if that's what you decide.
TMCM Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Tracy: "My point is catb isn't getting any younger. And, it's not as if she has to deal with child custody problems, etc. I imagine she is afraid to let go of OM because at this stage in her life, will she find another one like him?" If a person is afraid to become single because of the beleif that he/she won't find another person to share his/her life, then that person is saying that his/her happiness depends on having another person in his/her life. In one of my earlier posts I said that an affair, like drugs and alcohol, gives a false sense of happiness to the people who are its slaves. As you and others here know, true happiness comes from inside ourselves NOT from a pill, a bottle or another person.
TMCM Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 The only thing that still draws me back and makes me lean toward your third option, even for catb, is that God doesn't honor sin. And, adultry--no matter what the reason or excuse--is sin. (That is another reason I couldn't commit to OM. I was afraid that we were setting ourselves up for a no-win situation.) Even if catb can get over the guilt, is it possible for her relationship with OM to be blessed and fruitful? I would like an answer to that. At first glance, I'd say no because God doesn't bless sin. I don't pretend to speak for God [my ego is not THAT big ] but I don't beleive that God would be unwilling to bless a union that initially started out as an adulterous one IF both of the sinners are remorseful for their sin ,would express that remorse to the people that they hurt and would take the steps to avoid having another adulterous relationship in the future. What concerns me the most is what the children learn when they find out that one or both of their parents has been unfaithful. There have been reports that children of unfaithful parents are more likely to follow in their parents footsteps than children where none of their parents was unfaithful. This is tragic because not only the children and their children will suffer but their unfaithful parents will feel guilty for establishing a pattern that may take generations to eradicate.
Tracy Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 As you and others here know, true happiness comes from inside ourselves NOT from a pill, a bottle or another person. I know this in theory, but haven't been able to achieve it. THAT is the reason I haven't been successful on my own and treated two very good men wrong. I look forward to day I achieve it, I know it will happen, and can see it getting closer. This is tragic because not only the children and their children will suffer but their unfaithful parents will feel guilty for establishing a pattern that may take generations to eradicate. This is true. There is no way to get around it. If we do decide to pursue relationship with OP, this is just something we'll have to live with.
Author catb Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 TMCM- OK i lied, i really do only want to hear from people who agree with me!javascript:emoticon('') I joke ofcourse-you are a very wise man TMCM, you have given me alot to think about. The third option is prob. the best. I dont think Ill do that but it is best. I cant go back and undo whats done. I dont want to give up this person not because I dont think i could make a life on my own-one of my co workers told me they thought that I was probably the only person on earth who wouldnt be lonely in solitary confinement(I think that was a dig though!) but because we click so well and have for years before anything developed between us. My kids-they will always be loved, reassured and counseled whenever, whereever. I refuse to shoulder blame for something that may not even occur-i refer to my children and their children being unfaithful because I stepped out of my marriage. I gave everything. I was weak. I dont blame my parents bad marriage on my bad marriage-my h and i own that! Alot to think about! big grin
Author catb Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 Originally posted by TMCM I don't pretend to speak for God [my ego is not THAT big ] but I don't beleive that God would be unwilling to bless a union that initially started out as an adulterous one IF both of the sinners are remorseful for their sin ,would express that remorse to the people that they hurt and would take the steps to avoid having another adulterous relationship in the future. Tracy - Im a good person, so is my om. I hope and pray that the above is true.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Often we think of love as a noun. The absence of the feeling in turn prevents us feeling another's love even if we know it's there. Love is also a verb. If there is a chance for the feeling to return it will happen in the tending to another's needs, in making sacrifices for them, in protecting them Wow, Meanon, that is an absolutely remarkable way to express an idea. That's going to be my 'thought for the day'. "Love is also a verb." TMCM, I've been reading your posts on this thread, and the advice you are giving out is so clear, concise, and thought-provoking. Catb, I know you're having a hard time coming to a decision. You're at the crossroads and trying to make the best choices. Take your time. It's not a race. Believe me, if you rush it all now, there'll be LOTS ot time for recriminations later. Tracy, how are things going for you?
Natan Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I don't understand the H here. If my wife cheated on me or if she told me she would rather be with somebody else, I will help her pack her bags ASAP. I don't care how many kids I have (I have 2 for the rec), how old they are. I will never be second choice EVER. **** up once, we have one issue to discuss. Who is leaving.
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