Should I accept my girlfriend's promiscuity?

[Sebastiaan]

Okay, so I started working at this side-job about 5 months ago, where I met this girl, let's call her Jasmine, who is Tunesian. We were both 18 at the time.

From the beginning I found her very attractive and friendly, but from my other co-workers I heard a lot of rumours about Jasmine being very sexually active. I never really took any interest in her at this time, because I found the stories about her cheating on her ex-boyfriends and meeting guys in clubs to have sex with a major turn-off.

 

Later it became clear to me that she was a very friendly, funny and intelligent girl, and we were starting to become friends. Soon after, I heard that she had a crush on me, and I started to like her too.

 

About three months ago though, she came to me while I was working, accompanied by a guy of about 30 years old. She said hi to me, and then the two of them left. The day after I overheard her saying to another co-worker that the two of them went to have sex in the restroom of a next-door shopping centre, which made me feel very uneasy.

 

I still liked Jasmine though, and about a month ago we started dating. I now know a lot of things about her sexual life that bother me a lot. At the age of 18, she has had two boyfriends, both on which she cheated. She has had over 10 sexual partners that she remembers the names of, and then some she only vaguely remembers. She has had sex at any public place imaginable, even in Tunesia.

 

I have only had one sexual partner myself, which was in a 2-year relationship, and her promiscuity is something that doesn't really fit into my frame of reference, so to say.

 

The thing is: we are now in a relationship. Also, I knew these things before we started dating. Considering this, I don't think I should consider moving on as an option, but I find 10+ sexual partners pretty unacceptable at the age of 18. It also gives me great doubts about her faithfulness to me, and about her morality. She says that she doesn't regret any of her past decisions, and has a very hedonistic view of life. Even though this is in the past, I think that her past behaviour is an accurate predictor for future behaviour. I find myself getting upset and very angry at the situation. I can't help but visualize her and the guys she has been with, and the fact that I have met some of them makes that more difficult.

 

Any words of advise on how to gain a sense of security in this relationship? Can I find peace with her promiscuity? Or should I move on?

 

 

Friendly greetings from the Netherlands,

 

Sebastiaan

[SadSouls]

It all depends on you, I've suffered from pretty bad retroactive jealousy because of my girlfriend's past. Try the relationship and see how things go, if you find you're worrying about it then break it off.

[Drseussgrrl]

It would be her history of cheating more than anything that would be the biggest red flag to me. You have a right to be concerned.

 

She sounds like she has a ton of growing up to do and is a long ways off from being able to handle a monogamous relationship.

[silvermercy]

I'm afraid you can't complain now that you've already entered this relationship... It's not like she deceived you or anything... It's up to you. If you think that in future fights you may bring that against her, maybe it's not a good idea.

 

I'd be more concerned with her serial cheating for now.

[CarrieT]

Any words of advise on how to gain a sense of security in this relationship?

You can't. You have said as much.

 

Can I find peace with her promiscuity?

I don't believe so.

 

Or should I move on?

As others have said, you shouldn't have entered into the relationship based on what you know about her. It doesn't sound as though she is suddenly going to wake up and be the angelic, chaste creature you want her to be.

 

Move on before you get too far over your head.

[salparadise]

Or just enjoy the sex and wild times with her for awhile, at the same time understanding that who she is, and her behavioral patterns, aren't likely to change just because she bumped into you. The question you have to ask yourself is, can I just enjoy the ride without letting my expectations and emotions get out of hand?

[Imported]

Have fun with her. Don't take her seriously. Stop thinking of her as your girlfriend. Learn a few things from her. Get some practice in and be very concerned about STDs and move on.

[joystickd]

You know and she is not ashamed about it. I say stay with her. A body count of 10 isnt that bad. It would have been different if she said nothing and you found out after the fact.

[ThaWholigan]

Like you say, she has a very hedonistic view of life, and seeing as she has cheated on both her boyfriends and not regretted it, she will surely cheat on you. Why you entered a relationship with her I don't know, you should have trusted your gut.

 

You can break up with her (which is what I would advise), or you can continue to have something of a short-term relationship with her knowing that this is not an end-game union. She may be friendly, funny and intelligent, so would be a good companion outside of sex which is why I assume you liked her as well as physically, but a relationship with her is simply not a good idea. Don't take it seriously, or if you know you will, discontinue the relationship.

 

Her promiscuity in this individual case is problematic for a long-term relationship.

[fortyninethousand322]

First of all, you're 18. While some people might say you should be ok with her past since you knew going in, I disagree. You have strong feelings for her, and you want those feelings to overcome your apprehension at her past. You have a right to change your mind. People do it all the time, about a great number of things, not just relationships.

 

Since you're 18, it's likely this will be a relationship that will not last the rest of your life. It might not even last 6 months for that matter. So, don't take this relationship seriously right now. Even if you choose to stay with her, don't over invest too quickly.

 

Finally, she is who she is. She has her past, you can either accept it or not. Does her past make it more likely that she'll cheat on you or break up because she wants a wild sex life? Maybe. Maybe not. Only time will tell.

[runningfar]

Number of partners, bit wild, who cares...

 

BUT

 

2. She cheated on previous boyfriends AND

3. does not regret it.

 

The number two is a gigantic CAUTION sign and the third is the headlights of the car headed straight at you. Bail now. She needs to grow up. If she doesn't regret cheating before, she won't regret cheating again.

[hppr]

If she's hot I say go for it just be advised that she's a charming, intelligent, attractive, skank. Not gonna end well imho but it'll be fun on the way there.

 

Also, past history is a definite indicator of future behaviors. Would you rent a house to someone who got kicked out of 3-4 apartments for not paying rent? Of course not. So why get involved with someone who is a cheating slut?

[Fallen Petals]

This girl is 18? She doesn't even know who she is yet. Her promiscuity is a symptom...you can either help get to know her and help her get to know herself to decide who she wants to be, or you can decide she's not worth the effort and move on.

 

While past cheating and promiscuity are signs to look for in a possible serious relationship as a red flag to watch out for - you also need to consider age as a factor, as well as what happened to her in her younger years? Is she not coping with some heavy things that are helping her choose this inappropriate outlet??

 

Also, her past is just that - HER past. If you can't handle that she has one then you would need to move on because the way it bothers you will only increase over time.

[Cutiepie1976]

None of us can tell you what you "should" do here. There are very few absolutes in dating. What is right for one person may be inappropriate for another. Your values and expectations matter.

 

What I would encourage you to do is to think about what qualities matter to you in a girlfriend. Also, when should you pass on a potential partner.

 

Your current girlfriend, as your relationship unfolds, will facilitate your ability to figure these things out. In that sense, this relationship will be a valuable learning experience for you.

 

...just make sure you always wear a condom. Certain life lessons are best avoided.

[Bengal Tiger]

Be glad that you know about it this early on instead of after she brings it up at your anniversary dinner and you find out she's been riding the carousel behind your back all year. (happened to me)

 

It sounds like this sort of behavior is a deal breaker for you. If so, then end it now. Sexual addiction is real and it affects both females and males. Lying (its not cheating if she's open up front about it) is the cause of many relationship failures.

 

If you do like it and want to keep going, then definitely use protection and be safe and get tested.

 

Good luck bro

[FitChick]

Have sex with as many other women as it takes to equal her number.

[kimberlydoll]

Id be concerned about the cheating and lack of remorse for it. Actually, thats a dealbreaker for me

[Geiss]

What ever you do don't get this girl pregnant. As others had said if she doesn't have remorse for cheating on two past boyfriends then I would be pretty disgusted with her. I would drop her personally. If she didn't care about them how do you know she cares about you? Plus she is only 18 and this girl doesn't sound like she is ready to settle any time soon. If you do continue to see her proceed with extreme prejudice.

[StanMusial]

Ditch that skanky hose-beast immediately before you get any more entangled with her.

[Yamaha]

I think you like her past. You now want to harness all that sexual lust at you but worry you'll get hurt and people will talk.

If you date someone like this the risks come with the undertaking.

If she's to wild for you get out. I doubt she'll change for you.

[silvermercy]

Have sex with as many other women as it takes to equal her number.

The OP seems not into this lifestyle though.