My break up story,

[Canalplants]

Ok i have refrained from telling my story but its just changed today so here it it.

 

We went out for 7/8 months and fell in love we each other and had amazing times. She lives about 50 miles, 80km away so it was long distance but we saw each other 2/3 times a week. In October i went on holiday by myself for a week, she was fine about it as she was going to australia for a month which was planned before we met. We spoke and skyped everyday while i was away. The day i returned we had a big argument and she split with me the next day, given me a detailed explanation that i understood and accepted. She wasn't happy with our arguing and mainly how i reacted and over reacted in situations which I know i had a problem with.

 

Straight away i went to see a therapist regularly about this as I'm fed up of it effecting my life and relationships. My ex at the time was still very much in to me she said we'll see how things go and look to the future together. Basically she was given me a chance, i didn't jump into this i was being slow. She still came down to see me a few times and we went out kissed and once she stayed for the weekend and we had very passionate sex. We gave each other xmas presents, she gave me a photo album of our best moments together which was so sentimental.

 

Things went down hill when she went to Australia. I knew it would be hard to cope with. She stayed in contact everyday for the month she was there, but every argument we had was because of my impatience of her not replying or something. The day she came back (late january) i capitulated and asked where we were going and i thought we were looking to the future, I acted desperate! She said its over she didn't want to be with me, just wanted to be friends etc etc. i had a go at her for saying she led me on and that was out of order. Since then we have spoke and texted a small amount maybe twice a week. She hasn't called me once tho, she has initiated texting a few times. I have asked if she would like to meet on two occasions, both times she said it would be nice but she does not want to be accused of leading me on. I accepted this and said well some other time then.

 

Other the last week i have noticed how I'm losing her (although i have) she has not called or wanted to see me since she has been back. Ive been getting impatient. I sent her a random complement text last night, i woke up to no reply. I checked my facebook as i do and realised i wasn't friends with her anymore…..I panicked like an idiout and called her 7 times!!! I know super foolish. I asked her about it and she said it wasn't her and she didn't understand. I did delete my FB and then go back on which i normally do to have a break from it but it dosent usually delete people. She also did send me a message on whats app saying 'you deleted your Facebook again…..i can't keep up with you'… i didn't receive this because i blocked her for a while so she couldn't see when i was online. ( I know stupid).

 

Anyway i asked her if she was slowly fading me out or something because she didn't want to talk much to me or see me, she said she wasn't. Now she was saying she couldn't be friends because it was too hard and emotional, she said she didn't want to meet because its hard when you love someone and all those emotions will come up again. This was hard to here, she was saying she has feelings for me but didn't want to see me. She said she was trying to protect herself and move on by doing this. We started talking about general stuff we talk about and then she said she could see me in 2 weeks. This was surprising but i took it cooly. Im not sure if its a sympathy meet up or what but somehow she's up for meeting me……

 

I know this is a long story with tones of mistakes but please advise, she has feelings for me but is also protecting herself. NC between us is a big NO!!!! We both now each other well and ignoring is not one of them. Limited contact maybe…..

[Canalplants]

Hi quite a lot of views but no replies?

 

Anyone have an opinion?

 

Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

Nope.

if you refuse to go No Contact, there's little anyone can do to help you change the scenario.

[Canalplants]

Ok everyone has told me to go no contact.

 

So no contact until i meet with her next week.

 

So what if she contacts me? Do ignore her or say im busy cant talk. Everyone seems to have different views on NC

[Lillygoose]

Everyone would agree no contact, It does make you feel better and its surprising, you both need time to clear your heads!

 

just ignore!

Cant go full NC without doing that

[TaraMaiden]

Ok everyone has told me to go no contact.

 

So no contact until i meet with her next week.

 

So what if she contacts me? Do ignore her or say im busy cant talk. Everyone seems to have different views on NC

 

One week - ?

 

ONE WEEK - ?!?

 

You're kidding, right?

No contact should be for at least 6 months - !!

 

At Least!

 

Nobody has 'different views on NC' here.....

 

In NC you completely ignore, blank off, delete, block and do not respond.

 

Read the definitive guide in my signature/link.

 

And read the remainder of the thread, as well.

We show you how NC is REALLY done - and how effective it is....

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're contacting her all the time. And asking her this, that and the other....to be honest, it's making you look desperate in her eyes and kinda creepy.

 

Dude, if she doesn't want to be with you, then she doesn't want to be with you. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change her mind. Here's the hard truth, she choosing not to have you in her life. As much as that sucks to hear, it is what it is.

 

She wants to be friends. Well, you are not her friend. I'm sure you did get into a loving and caring relationship for the ultimate outcome is you being nothing more than a really great friend. So, don't let her dictate what the relationship is or isn't going to be. She doesn't want to be your girlfriend? Fine. But, you shouldn't see any benefit to being her friend. What benefit would there be? Would you want to be out to coffee with her, seeing the girl that you were in love with and not being able to tell her how you really feel? Only for her to tell you that she has to go because she's meeting up with her new boyfriend at his apartment? Where's the benefit?

 

 

Time to move on and heal, dude.

[Canalplants]

Ok well things have changed again,

 

She texted me this morning:

 

Rickford, i need to speak to you. I have been worried since we spoke on Tuesday. I feel like the whole conversation was you trying to change my mind and i actually got off the phone thinking what just happened there. Look,, you're such a lovely guy. But mr being in your life is going to be of no use to you. I can't be your friend. And i also sont want a relationship with you. I think it's time we both just remeber the happy memories and cut our loses and move forward. I'm sure you're going to say I'm horrible or you hate me or i don't know. But for me this is for the best. Meeting up/being friends is unnecessary in my eyes. I'm very sorry. My intention is never to you and I hope i havent but please move on, be happy and achieve all the things you talk about. Good luck with your driving. I know you can do it. And enjoy your holidays this year. Take car Rickford. x

 

 

Yea so first of all i wasnt surprised, I had a feeling she would change her mind about seeing me.

 

Second i called her as soon as i got this which was about 30 mins after she sent it (by why does that matter)!! I called not thinking about getting her back or anything like that, i wanted to just speak on a friendly level to the person i love. I read the text with all seriousness that i would never see or speak to her again so I needed closure for myself. She was incredibly upset. She said she cant do these things on the phone because she cant get her thoughts out properly and feels il say shes wrong or i manipulate what she says and feels, so i tried not be like that but i probably still was. I had a few questions just to understand things better and i do now. I said Im someone who needs to here these things on the phone or face to face because they are very emotional things and its important to hear and feel the feelings the offer person gives off when the saying these things. And I did, i felt horribly that she was upset and still afraid of telling me her feelings on the phone.

 

She kept on saying just let me go I need this to get over you. She needs NC to get over me and she said it before, this is why i was scared of implementing NC. I said i understand. We spoke about other things too, more me asking questions and trying to understand more as well as just not wanting go but realising theirs nothing i can do or should do. Some questoins did bring up bad vibes and we still had a few little spats but that was expected. We spoke a bit about the different methods of breaking up and which ones we agreed on. She also brought up the whole friends matter, i said we should stop trying to label ourselves with something, she said being friends wouldn't be any help to moving on, I admitted i never wanted to be friends but i was accepting it as just to be civil with each and not ignore each other (this is all before coming back to the board and reading other get ex back stuff etc).

 

She said shes never ignored me or ignored a call or text, which she hasnt she has always text back or called me back to my amazement. Anyway a lot of things were said, and i had to respect the fact she was very upset about this all, which on my part was comforting and kinda what i wanted to hear just to know the feelings where still there. But she wants to get over me and move on, i can only accept what she wants and i will have to do that. I said i dont have a problem with friendly chats and texts but would expect it to stop if were seeing other people. (she isnt with someone and i do believe her). She didnt want that either but I was saying it in the way of il talk if you want to talk, (again i wasn't thinking about getting her back, more acceptance of the loss). Tried ending the conversation on a good note, well it wasn't a bad note, just spoke about a few general things etc. She asked me to text her when i pass my driving (im not as young a you think ) And she said shel let me know when she she pass her detective exams. I made a joke about maybe calling her or maybe whatsapping her lighten the mood. She laughed thank god.

 

On another note whatsapp made things tough for us, we used it all the time to chat free as we lived far from each other, but the whole seeing when someone is online and not replying or vice versa just cause petty arguments. And sometimes it just didnt work so messages wouldn't get sent which also caused riffs right up until last week, her texting me and me never getting me etc etc etc, at least we laugh about it.

 

Ok im tired from writing, dont be to harsh with the replies im a bit fragile. Im not sure im in a state to be wanting to try and get her back which is why i made all those "mistakes" in the conversation. I love her dearly but im causing her a lot of hurt and pain and that upsets me. Shes been very respectful (although i did say sending a text like that was a bit dis respectful to us,but that just me being a xxxx! ) to me never ignoring me and always talking to me even when she didn't want to.

 

I have to respect her wishes now. The next few months are going to be hard, i dont know how quickly il move on, i dont whether i break and contact her, i dot know whether to tell her about my driving. I just dont know.

 

Il probably stay away form the board and other forums too in a week or so, i remember last time i used it, it did keep me stuck in my own hole.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

her message was pretty clear and non-ambiguous.

You shouldn't have called her, that was just egotistic and disrespectful.

I'm sorry, but it was.

 

It was to give you what you wanted - Closure.

but she gave you that in her letter. She really did, and you know it.

You just wanted one more chance to 'get in there'.

 

And don't blame anything outside of yourselves, for keeping in touch - wasapp, FB or anything else.

you kept in touch because you wanted to keep in touch.

 

Now you need to go No Contact and really keep that for at least a year.

 

Seriously dude, you need to back off and focus on you.

because focusing on her is utterly pointless.

 

She couldn't have made it any clearer.

 

leave her alone, and heal yourself.

 

Good luck.

 

You're going to need it.

And us.

Trust me, we'll be here to keep you going.

[Canalplants]

No I'm not blaming Facebook or whatsapp just saying that some technological problems with them caused petty problems.

 

Not the main point anyway. Thanks for the replies.

 

I understand what you say about NC for a year but I think its a matter of contacting when your over them, and even then would I want to or see a point. I wouldn't like to think 11 months down the line I still have a NC thought in my head. I suppose il contact her when i truly don't expect a reply or anything.

 

For now I'm going to do what I'm on this earth to do especially at my age (25) and mate! I think for a guy its the best way to move on, sounds harsh but were programmed like that I think. I know the first few times are hard. I kissed a few girls the other weekend and had a great time but did feel a slight guilt.

 

Its going to be an up and down process. Blurgh

[fixing]

Yeah. No more contacting her. Ever imo. Just try to move forward and enjoy life. Your 25 afterall Young and free. NC though

[Canalplants]

Right..... Ive thrown away all letters and cards she gave me and the photo album of us she gave me for xmas.

 

Deleted all emails, texts and all her contact details from phone and computer. Cant think of much else.

 

I still have loads of photos of us on my computer and phone but I just cant be bothered right now, its not as if they are right in front of my eyes. I'l delete them when I feel a bit stronger, this has made me a bit woozy.

 

Been thinking over the last few days that I wont tell her when I pass my driving, she asked me to but why the hell should I!! I hate the fact she told me she'll tell me when she passes her exams, I dont want that expectation round the time. I suppose with both these situations it depends on how I feel round the time.

 

At the moment, especially today things have been on my mind as its my day off... so I'm just venting here. Usually I do so much on my days off but some days your body just says chill......you all know what I mean.

 

So ive had some quite conflicting thoughts. Im having angry thoughts towards her about why she said she couldn't wait to see me when she comes back and now she dosen't and how she never intended on wanting to get back together but said so much about us and the future and basically gave me hope. So yea those are some of things that have been on my mind. When I find myself getting a bit annoyed or arguing with her in my head I just try to say that I forgive her and things were confusing at the time for her and me.

 

I hate having grudges on anyone, the just not healthy. My friend is going through a break up and shes just going down the hate road, so much hate shes starting to hate all men and just not trust anyone. I dont want that.

 

Another thing is im on major rebound right now and the attention I'm getting is making me feel better but I think I might have a big rebound sticker on my head. In the last month ive hooked up with about 7 girls (this is rare for me). Some just a kiss and others some sexual fun but no sex.....Anyway my point is ive tried to hook up again with all these girls for a date or drink or whatever and ive had 7 NO's all in their different forms. Its like they can smell 'rebound' on me!!

 

The thing is my confidence is higher than ever, its higher than it was before I was with my ex. The day she sent me the 'see ya later txt' I went out after work by myself, none of my mates fancied coming so I thought, whatever il go on my own. I spent the whole night drinking with two lovely girls I'd just met then ended up at ones house, then spending the whole next day there with her in some kind of weird ive just met you love bubble. It was loads of fun, I didn't feel bad at all, I felt wanted by someone but that was the end of that, she's here studying for a few months and gave me the 'it wont be a good idea, i dont want things to get complicated between us' text which I agreed with anyway.

 

My point is im doing better than ever with attracting girls (one who even had a boyfriend but I didn't know about) though, I dont understand where this is from and why im not sobbing like a bit*h. I feel im due a down and low period or something.

[Canalplants]

So the other day I had my deleting frenzy.

 

Yesterday I un-followed her on twitter, not that she ever tweets anything at all. Seriously she hasn't tweeted anything since she made a new account (2 months). She had an old account and deleted it on the purpose to stop checking on me...those where her words.

 

So there wasn't much point in doing it except for doing it before she does it to me. I found myself constantly checking if she was still following me. It was some power thing...me deleting her first.

 

Anyway I didn't even think she used it but she obviously does because she instantly un-followed me back. I know for a fact she was reading my tweets because the other 3 people she followed dont even tweet and neither does she and she told me all she DID was check me.

 

I do tweet a lot everyday, whatever it may be. My issue is, it was the last thing she was connected to me on and could see what i was doing in my life. Is it a good thing or bad thing she's not following me anymore, she can still look at my tweets very easily as its public.

 

Obviously i want her to miss me and want her to want to me back (in the future possibly) but have I given off the sign im moving on (which i do feel I am slowly). Knowing she was reading my tweets and knowing what i was doing was a sign to me she had some interest in me and I feel I might have taken that away. Oddly its nice to know if she's following what im doing...