sjh2156 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Hi I have been in a good relationship with a lovely lady for the last few months, it is great because we just clicked and enjoy our time together, we meet up a few times a week etc. Whilst we often go out and see friends etc, one thing I have noticed is that we never spend any real time together alone. Yes we go out as a couple only sometimes, but that still means we are around other people. I know our living arrangements are not ideal as I share a place with others near my workplace and she moved back home a couple of years ago after her last relationship failed. But I often feel it would be good to be somewhere quiet to just chat about stuff and get to know each other without the constant distraction of others. I have suggested a few times that we could go for a stroll along the seafront or local parks etc, which would still keep us in public places but give us more space than a pub, cinema, etc. She often says how she loves being around me and likes how open our relationship is and sees a good future together.I know she has some insecurity issues and was hurt badly before, but I am starting to feel she is using the living arrangements and constant going out with friends as a barrier in our relationship. I do not want to loose her, but also I would not want to feel I am being mislead about the relationship because she just wants someone around her. Any thoughts? Thanks
salparadise Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Neither of you having your own place is an inherent constraint. So does she go along with it when you ask her to walk on the beach or go to a park? Have the two of you not been intimate yet? Sounds like to me you need to propose a weekend getaway to a romantic place and see what she says. Of course, if she refuses to even go for a walk along the beach that's probably not going to happen but it would necessitate that she explain why she is resistant to having alone time with you. A few months is plenty of time. If she is using the situational stuff as a barrier to prevent the relationship from progressing then you'll probably need to rock the boat.
Author sjh2156 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah neither of us not having our own place is a constraint, hence why I have been suggesting about walking on the beach/park or any other open public place, which she has yet to take up. We have been intimate to a level of holding hands, long hugs/cuddling and kissing, etc. I have suggested getting away together or full days out, which she says sounds like a good idea but would like to wait for a while, maybe another 5 to 6 weeks away. Which from my point of view puts another few months on the relationship, but then will she do the same again when we get there, hence my doubts and feelings. I do not want the situational stuff to break the relationship, but also I do not want it to be used as a reason not to move forward. It be would be interesting to hear if anyone has been in the same situation and how it worked out.
Author sjh2156 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I have mentioned getting some private time again or going away for a weekend/day out and the response hasn't really changed. I am still in a bit of quandary, I do really trust her and believe what she says, but it still seems a bit strange to wait for so long.
meeji Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Tell I her what you are telling us. Just be honest about your feelings. She will work with you or work against you and you will have your answer
salparadise Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I have mentioned getting some private time again or going away for a weekend/day out and the response hasn't really changed. I am still in a bit of quandary, I do really trust her and believe what she says, but it still seems a bit strange to wait for so long. It's one thing to have a preference for taking things slow, but we're not even talking about jumping into the sac... just having a bit of private time to talk and get to know one another on a personal level. I think it's more than a little bit strange. It's seems to me that she has some fundamental trust issues, and I don't think they're likely to simply resolve all of a sudden allowing her to turn into an expressive, loving partner who is able to reciprocate and give you what you need in the relationship. If it were me, I'd be cutting my losses and moving on to try and find someone who wants and is capable of a fulfilling relationship. Only you know how you feel about her, how frustrating the situation is, what you need in a relationship, and what you believe the potential is with her... but after several months and you can't even get her to walk on the beach... I'd probably have given up before it went this long. It's a shame. Maybe if you start backing away she'll wake up and come to some realization. But even if that were to work you still need to ask what the future would be like with someone who can't seem to warm up to you.
Author sjh2156 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I am going to tell her how I feel, but ironically not being to get some private time makes that kinda difficult. I am tempted just to move on or back off, but as there is/was something different about this relationship it was worth exploring, but that is now disappearing a bit with this issue, which may well come down to trust.
salparadise Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I think it's either some kind of trust issue or she's terribly afraid of intimacy. It makes me wonder if there's been some sort of abuse in her history. I'd put the ball in her court and be ready to head for the exit. It won't hurt to say what's on your mind. Tell her that you need more than a hand out buddy and if the relationship can't progress to spending time alone together and having intimate conversations then you need to know why. But the confusing thing is that she's not uncomfortable with kissing and physical contact, as long as you're in a public or semi-public place. I think you've done pretty much all you can. I suggest one last effort in the form of direct communication and see if you can get her to open up. You deserve to know what's gong on.
Author sjh2156 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I decided to discuss openly with her about where the relationship is going. But the discussion left me rather confused and frustrated. She did open up a bit about things, saying I was her rock and couldn't be without me, plus wanted to move the relationship to the next level, whatever that means to her. But again when I suggested going out for a full day or days together (opposed to just evenings) the hesitation was again there. I do not understand how we get months into a relationship, meet her parents, family and friends, but still not able to move forward in the relationship. It seems I am good company for her and someone to depend on, but for whatever reason she will not allow me in more, even though her words say the opposite. My head says it may be time to leave the relationship, but my heart says stay.
Graduate Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It seems I am good company for her and someone to depend on, but for whatever reason she will not allow me in more, even though her words say the opposite. You know what they say about when words and actions don't mesh? Pay attention to the acts, not the words. I am not sure I understand, are you never alone? Like not even in her room or yours? Do you always meet in public or with other people around? My advice is to talk to her once more. Since you already told her how you feel you don't have to go into too much detail again. Simply tell her that you want to spend some time alone with her, and you don't feel like your needs are being met. Tell her you really care about her, but if she for some reason does not want to spend time alone with you, then it would be better for you to move on, as this is a serious requirement for you. Then listen to what she has to say. If she says she is willing to go for a walk or something with you, then make plans then and there. If she still does not want to agree, then tell her you don't think this is working out for you and walk away. Don't contact her again, when she does, ask her if she changed her mind. If not, tell her it just does not work for you. Sorry, that was a bit long, just wanted to give you my opinion. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I decided to discuss openly with her about where the relationship is going. But the discussion left me rather confused and frustrated. She did open up a bit about things, saying I was her rock and couldn't be without me, plus wanted to move the relationship to the next level, whatever that means to her. But again when I suggested going out for a full day or days together (opposed to just evenings) the hesitation was again there. What does taking the relationship "to the next level" mean to her? If you didn't seek clarity, that is a key question that you need to ask since you are stating here that you don't know what it means. Good communication is critical in any relationship. If something isn't clear to you, you have to learn to ask. TBH, I'm not understanding the difficulty of having a straightforward conversation about this. It really doesn't matter whether you do this over dinner, drinks, while in a car, on this walk on the beach or in a park that you seem intent on taking, or wherever. All that really matters is having the conversation and seeking clarification until you understand her responses and her views on the relationship's progress, as she too will learn about yours. Once you are clear on her stance, decide if it's acceptable to you. Negotiate if need be. If a reasonable compromise can't be reached, then perhaps it's time to part ways. You have to weigh the good and the bad, including the pace of progress. Then decide to continue or end things. How old are you both BTW?
Crila16 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sounds like she likes you, but isn’t fully committed yet. She enjoys your company and couple dating, enjoys having a +1, but if she doesn’t want to be alone with you, it’s because she’s not vibing the relationship 100% yet. That doesn’t mean she won’t fall head over heels in love with you, but some times it’s not always instantaneous for a girl. Girls are programmed to grow to love. It took me 5 – 6 months, before I started developing deep romantic feelings for a guy I ended up dating for 3 years. Give it time. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t push the relationship into something more, until she’s ready. She’ll let you know when the time is right.
waiting4u Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Maybe she just isn't ready to have sex and she's afraid when you are alone with her she will feel pressured. Have you done any kissing at all? I think it's okay to wait many months for sex, but it seems like you should have at least made it to first or second base by now. I can understand not wanting to hang out all day or go away for the weekend if you are still 'just dating' and trying to pace things slowly. But if she hasn't even kissed you at this point, then she probably isn't interested.
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