Game Plan: Be patient or let it go?

[SweetJuliet]

A common situation:

 

I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, and living with my partner for 1 1/2 years. In the beginning we talked a lot about marriage and children, and all was good. That was before we lived together.

 

Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free? Yea. I know about that... except that sometimes I do not understand it since he pretty much pays for most of our stuff. No, I am not a woman who wants to financially lean on him. I provide my own income. However, he is more than happy providing for me. We do not share bank accounts, but if I were to ever need anything he will happily transfer money into my account. I do not ever ask or beg for money.

 

I thought we were heading towards marriage and having children, but it seems like a long stretch towards that now. After all this time he has admitted that marriage feels like a big BIG step for him, and that he feels more comfortable having kids before marriage, but that is a ways off too it seems.

 

He couldn't have admitted this to me from the beginning?

 

He says that he would marry me tomorrow or he says that he's waiting for the right time. I've heard all of these "excuses" before with other friends or other people. I think I know what it means. It's not gonna happen. Or if it does it could be 5 years from now.

 

I'm 29 years old and he is 24 so I am guessing part of it is an age thing, but I have been completely upfront and honest since the very beginning....that I was not dating to play house. I guess I should have walked the walk instead of just talking the talk.

 

I do not want to get married because it is something I feel that I need to do or because I want a fancy wedding. Getting married was never a goal of mine, and I am not a fan of big fancy get togethers. I've known that I wanted to be his wife since I've been dating him. As for having kids...I think my biological clock is screaming at me or something. I used to be so into work that having children seemed way off for me...or I thought about adopting later. Now, I feel jealous anytime I see a friend with their kids or a mother taking care of her child.

 

So...do I stay or do I go? It's not like I see myself picking up another relationship, getting married and having a kid, but being in this relationship where it feels like I have to wait to get the ok for a child sucks. Sometimes I want to cry about it. Then I wonder if I am just being impatient. I feel like I have waited 2 1/2 years already.

 

Some advice would be nice.

 

Thanks

[Minnie09]

Her best years are over at 29? Excuse me, but that's just hogwash. This is the 21st century, my friend, and a woman is not an outdated piece of equipment after she reaches the age of 25. As a matter of fact, that's the age when they finish college, their master's, start a career and start to live. And here's my point: the OP's BF is only 24.....no WONDER he feels he's too young to get married. 24 - hello? Who gets married at 24 these days? Women don't either. Why should a guy? You have all the time in the world, my dear, you're not too old, and trust me, your bio clock is not ticking yet, either. Your desire to have a child is just that....a desire. That's a personal choice. If this is your life plan, ie you want a child or get pregnant by the time you're 30.....then that's your life plan. But at this point it has nothing to do with your age.*

 

I don't know what your ground rules were when you moved in together, or whether you had any discussions about future plans or not, but if you didn't discuss getting pregnant, this can and should be done right now, independent of whether or not you're getting married at some point down the road. However, I do think and I'm 100% convinced that if he's not totally head over heels into the idea of having a baby right now, he will feel trapped and not be a happy camper. 24 is too young for a man to become a father IMO. What life and career experience does he have?*

 

If your desire to get pregnant is so intense that you have to do it yesterday, then I think you might be better off doing it as a single mum.*

[SweetJuliet]

@ Minnie09 and Just_A_Poster - Thank you! Your words have given me more to think about. I do think I have plenty of time to have children, and the last thing that I would like to do is push my partner into something that he may not be ready for and I certainly do not want to trap into anything at all. I have seen firsthand how that can turn into something ugly. I think that my desire to have children right now is a big desire of mine right now, and I have even gone as far into thinking about all scenarios - even raising a child on my own. I think that the reason why I ask the marriage question so much is because he acts like we are married, but won't marry me. I do bring up the subject of marriage, but I do not push that button too much because when it comes down to it - what we have is good. When he talks about his future - He includes me in his plans. When he is unsure if I will like something or not, he will ask me about it before finalizing his choice. When I got hurt, and went to the ER he covered the bill for me. As for sharing a bank account - I figured that he did not want to because he is military and has witnessed a few former wives and girlfriends of his friends wipe out their bank accounts before leaving them or while deployed.

 

 

@ BigMac - I think you have a very interesting idea of women, but it does not apply to everyone. Why group all the woman as the same? That is a bit unfair. I did not spend my time frittering away my youth nor did I sit around and wait for "Mr. Right". I did do what made sense to me. While growing up, I had the idea that I wanted to be able to take care of myself when I turned into an adult. I don't think it was about feminism or being brainwashed by it. I had known of marriages or relationships that did not work out, and sometimes one person was left with nothing and they had a hard time starting over because they did not have any school or work experience. If anything, I thought I was being smart by taking care of myself so that if something did not work out I would have something to fall back on. When I said that it was never a goal of mine to get married...it's exactly what I meant! I did not say that I did not want to get married because I have always wanted to get married, but I never had a book filled with ideas and pictures. I assumed that with the way life seems to go on around me that I would meet the ideal husband later in life so I never worried about it or children. Then I met a guy, the one I am talking about in this post, and all of that changed. I still did not make it a goal, but I could actually see it - marriage and children.

 

I don't believe that I should just "settle" for someone. That could surely lead to unhappiness!

 

I also don't think my best years are behind me. If anything - I think that my best years are ahead of me.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[SweetJuliet]

If your desire to get pregnant is so intense that you have to do it yesterday, then I think you might be better off doing it as a single mum.*

 

And...thanks for this advice! I have put some serious thought into this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've heard all of these "excuses" before with other friends or other people.

Why is it that when you express your feelings you're exercising your rights in the relationship but when he expresses his he's making "excuses' ?

 

Sounds like he's been pretty consistent in both his talk and actions as, after 2 1/2 years, you're neither married or even engaged nor pregnant.

 

If you were playing poker with him, I'd say you bluffed ("I'm only in a relationship to get married now"), he's called ("I'm not ready to ask you to marry me") and the next move is up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SweetJuliet]

@ Mr. Lucky - Before we moved in together, both he and I expressed our interest in getting married and having children together. When we moved in together, both of us had big changes going on in our life and talked about picking things up when the dust had settled. The dust settled and now he expresses different feelings. I would not have moved in with him if I knew then how he really felt. He probably finally realized how he felt, and forgot to mention it to me. Lack of communication.... I said "excuses" because he had been beating around the bush before he finally said "marriage is a big commitment, and scares the hell out of me." I think he should have said this before we even started dating because he knew what I wanted. Guess it's those undeveloped frontal lobes.

[jwi71]

A common situation:

 

I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, and living with my partner for 1 1/2 years. In the beginning we talked a lot about marriage and children, and all was good. That was before we lived together.

 

So basically things are pretty good.

Then, after moving in together, they are not.

 

Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free? Yea. I know about that... except that sometimes I do not understand it since he pretty much pays for most of our stuff. No, I am not a woman who wants to financially lean on him. I provide my own income. However, he is more than happy providing for me. We do not share bank accounts, but if I were to ever need anything he will happily transfer money into my account. I do not ever ask or beg for money.

 

Your first sentence makes no sense. Why are you referencing this in a paragraph otherwise devoted to money?

 

The answer comes later.

 

I thought we were heading towards marriage and having children, but it seems like a long stretch towards that now. After all this time he has admitted that marriage feels like a big BIG step for him, and that he feels more comfortable having kids before marriage, but that is a ways off too it seems.

 

What makes you think he is NOT heading towards marriage?

IS he faithful to you?

Does he live with you?

Provide for you?

I'm not seeing anything that says he ISN'T - just that its a big step.

And when one typically says that - there is a FEAR driving it. I wonder what he is afraid of? Did you ask?

 

He couldn't have admitted this to me from the beginning?

 

Are you suggesting you feel used as a convenient vagina for him? That he KNEW this upfront and misled you? Does this explain that odd first sentence in the "money paragraph above?

 

Perhaps what was true before moving in together has, after living together, changed.

 

He says that he would marry me tomorrow or he says that he's waiting for the right time.

 

Why not YOU propose to HIM?

 

I've heard all of these "excuses" before with other friends or other people. I think I know what it means. It's not gonna happen. Or if it does it could be 5 years from now.

 

So...the problem is he is not moving at your pace?

Why are YOU in such a rush?

 

I'm 29 years old and he is 24 so I am guessing part of it is an age thing, but I have been completely upfront and honest since the very beginning....that I was not dating to play house. I guess I should have walked the walk instead of just talking the talk.

 

OK...so it seems like you are saying you moved in together because it was the next step to getting M. Honestly, your goals are beginning to sound askew to me. YOU are placing massive importance on getting M.

 

From what you have written, the only thing "wrong" is no ring.

And that's a problem YOU created. Instead of seeing what, as you have written, is an otherwise healthy and good R, you see an R that is now "bad" or "dead end" because of no ring. You are pursuing the wrong thing.

 

Pursue the man not the ring.

 

I do not want to get married because it is something I feel that I need to do or because I want a fancy wedding. Getting married was never a goal of mine, and I am not a fan of big fancy get togethers.

 

NAh...I'm gonna bullshyt on this.

Your goal is CLEARLY to be M. And if I can pick up on it, I have little doubt you are putting covert and overt pressure on your BF to do the same. In fact, you are willing, per this threads existence, to walk because you are NOT M.

 

I've known that I wanted to be his wife since I've been dating him.

 

Then be patient. Drop the whole wedding pressure.

Enjoy him and what is a good R for what it is NOW.

Let it come naturally.

 

As for having kids...I think my biological clock is screaming at me or something.

 

THIS I believe. IF it helps, and maybe it won't, my W and I had a daughter when she was 42. Her first, my third. Its VERY possible. Not all that unusual at all.

 

I used to be so into work that having children seemed way off for me...or I thought about adopting later. Now, I feel jealous anytime I see a friend with their kids or a mother taking care of her child.

 

Yup...the ticking biological clock. I can't speak more on it as a man but I intellectually understand it is affecting your perceptions now.

 

So...do I stay or do I go? It's not like I see myself picking up another relationship, getting married and having a kid, but being in this relationship where it feels like I have to wait to get the ok for a child sucks. Sometimes I want to cry about it. Then I wonder if I am just being impatient. I feel like I have waited 2 1/2 years already.

 

For someone who previously said M is not a goal...its sure seems like THE goal. Even if you leave tomorrow - how soon do you think you will meet "the new guy", date, get engaged and be M and get preggy? Do you envision that time frame in years? A healthy path, in that scenario, would be measured in years I would think.

 

Provided you meet someone.

 

Some advice would be nice.

 

Be patient.

Ignore others and your friends and all that crap.

Stop pressing him.

Its ok to have children NOW before M (I did).

Change your goal from being M to being with a man you love.

[SweetJuliet]

@ BigMac - Yes, I would have moved in with him if he insisted that everything was split 50/50. I even used money out of my own savings to pay the security deposit, rent, and buying the furniture in the beginning. In fact, it was me who asked that everything be split 50/50 in the beginning so our accounts would remain equal. After awhile I started to feel that I was being too "independent" in the relationship by not allowing him to "take care of me" so I slowly started to accept that he wanted to pay for things for me. It was difficult at first because I had been so used to taking care of things myself, and not asking for help or letting anyone help me.

 

When I said that he pretty much pays for most of the stuff - it is because he is always wanting something new around the apartment. I believe in saving for bigger things for the future such as a house or for a child. I am not a very materialistic person, and do not feel the need to constantly upgrade on everything. Which reminds me that I should have seen the red flag. Yes, he wants to take care of me, but no, he is not thinking of the "bigger plan" in the future or else he wouldn't be going out and buying things that we do not need .

 

I feel that whatever I say to you BigMac does not matter because you have already painted a picture of "a typical woman". It is okay though because I have figured out what I now need to do which is pulling the plug and letting him be the 24 year old that he needs to be or with the woman he actually wants to have as his wife and the mother of his children.

[SweetJuliet]

@jwi71

 

I'll try to make sense here since everything seems jumbled up to me now because I was trying to reply to others.

 

Was it my goal to move in with him to get married and have kids? NO. We moved in together because we wanted to live together and be near each other. I am originally from another state. We felt that distance would have been difficult for us. Looking back, we probably jumped the gun.

 

We talked about marriage and children because I guess that is what happens in a relationship...to see if two people like the same things. I was actually really scared about talking about those things because I never had a guy that I was interested in feel the same way that I did, and then I got excited about being with someone for the rest of my life and having kids with them. Then as time went on and we were starting to share more things together, I mentioned that we could share a bank account so we would no longer have to transfer back and forth or feel that the couch is his or the love seat is mine, and he said no. I was shocked. I only asked him about marriage because in the beginning he would say that he couldn't wait to marry me. So when I asked him later on how he still felt , he said that he was waiting for the right time..when we were financially stable. That confused me since we paid our bills and went out and all that jazz. I told him that it did not make any sense since we have everything we need, and I learned that financially stable would be never because some people always want more when it comes to money or items.

 

So too me it was never about a certain time. I guess it's just that he got me excited about something and got my hopes up, and when he told me recently that if I hadn't moved in with him then we wouldn't have had a relationship long distance or that he was actually scared shytless to make a big commitment such as marriage I was shocked and wondered why he wanted me here all along?

 

I am not mad or feel that my vagina was being used. If he had said in the beginning that we were to be roommates with benefits then I would have taken that into consideration and gone from there, but I guess he felt that he had to say certain things to keep me around.

 

I guess he does not know who he is or thinks I am somebody else who wanted something else.

[SweetJuliet]

Oh and why I mentioned the biological clock...I don't know...I was trying to find words to express everything, but it's more difficult than I thought.

 

With him - I want children, and sometimes I do feel the urge to produce a child but it's not because of everyone else...it's probably because I feel that way when ovulating and my hormones are raging. haha!!!

 

Walking away from the relationship would not make me want to seek another partner for marriage or children.

 

Between this relationship and my last relationship - I was single for four years. I don't just jump from one relationship from another. I also went on two deployments in that time frame and worked long hours so I am sure that also attributed to me being single. Always busy makes things tough!

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh and why I mentioned the biological clock...I don't know...I was trying to find words to express everything, but it's more difficult than I thought.

 

With him - I want children, and sometimes I do feel the urge to produce a child but it's not because of everyone else...it's probably because I feel that way when ovulating and my hormones are raging. haha!!!

I applaud you SweetJuliet for not being one of those women that gets "accidently" pregnant thinking that will solve your problems.

 

Hang in there, you've got lots of time to get what you want, whether with him or someone else. My wife was 38 (and I 47!) when out last was born...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sameerbille]

hey.. he is just 24 years old and you 29. and you mention that he will waiting for right time. so give some time to him and wait for some days,then decide.

[SweetJuliet]

@ sameerbille - Thanks. I have decided to give it time. I love him and he needs time. He never said no so time he will get.